YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BOSTON IF....
You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's)
You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heatwave.
All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
You refer to 6 inches of snow as "a dusting"
Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
You don't think you have an attitude.
You always 'hang a left' as soon as the light turns green,
and oncoming traffic always expects it. [Interesting. In Pennsylfania,
this is called the "Pittsburgh Left Turn" -- but only 80% of the traffic
expects it!!]
Everything in town is "a five minute walk".
When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
You still can't bear to watch highlights from game six
of the 1986 World Series.
You have no idea what the word compromise means.
You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness
You don't realize that you walk and talk
twice as fast as everyone else.
You're neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
You think if someone is nice to you, they must want
something or are from out of town.
Your favorite adjective is "wicked".
You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
* * * * *
WHEN WE SAY/WE MEAN...
Bizah=odd
Flahwiz=roses, etc.
Hahpahst= minutes after the hour
Hahwahya?=how are you?
Khakis=what we staht the cah with
Pissah=superb
Retahded=silly
Shewah=of course
Wikkid=extremely
Yiz=you, plural
popcahn=popular snack
* * * * *
HOW WE'LL KNOW YOU WEREN'T BON HEAH:
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You wear a lobster sweatshirt.
You ask for a "Lobster Bib".
You ask directions to "Cheers"
You order a grinder and a soda.
You follow soccer.
You eat at Durgin Park.
You pronounce it "Worchester" or Glouchester"
You call it "COPELY" square.
You think Fanuel Hall is the best place to go in the city.
* * * * *
DEFINITIONS:
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't
If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah.
It's not a trash can, it's a barrel
It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage.
It's not a purse, it's a pockabook.
It's not a basement, it's a cellar. Not a wine cellar, just a cellar
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans. (NOT recommended for tourists!!)
They're not franks, they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.
They're not suckers, they're lollypops
They're not tennis shoes, they're sneakers.
* * * * *
THINGS NOT TO DO:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford)or Slumaville (Sommerville).(I grew up north of Boston-in Haverhill-and it's pronounced "Medfid" there!)
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, The Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
The underground train is not the subway. It's the "T" and it doesn't run all night (this ain't Noo Yawk).
* * * * *
GETTING AROUND:
Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're
on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets you're in Wellesley.
All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Av, Mass Av, Dot Ave.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville
doesn't exist.
* * * * *
THE NORTH-EAST-SOUTH-WEST THING:
Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. Eastie is East Boston. The North End is east of the West End.
The West End and Scollay Square are no more -- a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. Backbay was filled in years ago.
* * * * *
BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BOSTON
Boston is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in which to drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and visitors, are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these parts:
To obtain a general idea of how to drive in Boston, go to a Celtics game and carefully watch the fast break. Then get behind the wheel of your car and practice it.
Very generally speaking, the intransigence of the Boston driver
is directly proportional to the expense of his American-made car,
and inversely proportional to the expense of his foreign-made car.
But in applying this formula, bear in mind that they are all more
or less intransigent.
When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other drivers. Crossing entire 4 lane roads in one block always gains the respect and salutes.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Double park in the North End of Boston, unless triple parking is available.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Taxicabs should always be given the right of way, unless you are bent on suicide.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
When in doubt, accelerate.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
It is traditional in Boston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. Color doesn't matter.
The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the Boston area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get through the intersection before the light turns red. As a result, yellow lights only light for a quarter of a second.
Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions. They are put there to confuse people who don't know their way around the city. And to confuse those who do but are detoured by the Big Dig.
Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. They also confound and distract other Boston drivers, who are not used to them.
Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Boston drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass you.
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
There is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Boston.
Rush 'Hour' generally only lasts from 7am until 8pm
At a rotary, "Yield when entering" really means plow headfirst and ignore all cars already in the rotary.
Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers
to may brake for animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it.
Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. Most multicar pileups are caused this way.
Pedestrians have no rights. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb.
Remember that the goal of every Boston driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Above all, keep moving!
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(subject to change at any time):
