Jokes
Joke # 1
This is when Anil was a little boy studying in a convent school. He was busy doing his homework
and as his mother approached she heard:"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two... Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four... Three and three...
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Anil remarked that his teacher had taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she stormed into little Anil's classroom and confronted the teacher. She told her about Anil's different way of doing math and his claims that she taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Anil had said what he did. Then suddenly, she exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two..."
Joke # 2
At a grocery store in Phili, Anil went for shopping and wanted to pay by his credit card. They had a
new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. Anil asked the check out girl, "How do I use it?"
The girl said, "Strip down, face toward me." Anil starts to take off his clothes...
Joke # 3
A Anil walks into a pizza joint and orders a pizza.
The cashier asks him, "Sir, how many pieces should I cut your pizza into 6 or 8?"
The Anil replies, "Cut it into 6 pieces, I can't eat 8 pieces!"
Joke # 4
One man was crying in the medical lab when another came up to him and asked, "What's up?"
The man replied, "I had a blood test and the doctor has cut my finger!"
The other man also started crying and the first one asked, "What are you crying about?"
The man replied, "I'm here for a urine test!!!!!"
Joke # 5
Anil and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'
His second friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench
under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Anil says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No
I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.
Joke # 6
Anil: My doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath to cure my cold.
Jay: Does it work?
Anil: I don't know... I can never finish drinking the hot bath.
Joke # 7
A Pakistani and an Indian get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Indian sees the Pakistani's car and asks,
"So you're a Pakistani. I'm an Indian. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of
our days."
The Pakistani replies, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from Allah." The Indian continues,
"And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Johnny Walker
Black Label didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he
hands the bottle to the Pakistani.
The Pakistani syas : "Even though alcohol is banned by Islam but it looks like Allah wanted us to drink." He
takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the Indian. The Indian takes the bottle, immediately puts
the cap on, and hands it back to the Pakistani. The Pakistani asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Indian replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police!"
Joke # 8
How do you keep a sardarji busy?
Ask him to sit in the corner of a round room or better still write PTO on both sides of a paper and hand it over
to him.
Joke # 9
Dr. Anil was teaching Intro to Reproduction at the Indian Institute of Medicine. He held up an unfurled
latex condom and asked the class, "Does everyone know what this is?"
" It's a condom ," said the class."Very good," he answered.
"Now, what is this?" he asked, holding up a surgical glove. The class shrugged, "We don't know."
"It is jay's condom ."
Joke # 10
Anil with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he
answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked
up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The Jay called back."
Joke # 11
Laloo, Jayalalitha, and Sonia are on a long flight in an Air Force plane. Laloo pulls out a 100 Rupee note and
says, "I'm going to throw this Rs.100 note out and make someone down below happy."
Jayalalitha, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my 100 Rupee note, I would split it into two Rs.50
notes, throw them down and make two people down below happy."
Of course Sonia doesn't want these two candidates to out do her so she pipes in, 'I would instead take one
hundred Rs.1 notes and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "If
I throw all three of you out of this plane and I'll make 100 crore people happy!!!!!!!"
Joke # 12
Q: What do you call a Pakistani prostitute in France ?
A: Lahore.
Joke # 13
Anil: Mini your father is a teacher, but your sister does not know how to read a single letter.
Mini: So what? Your father is a dentist and your little brother does not have a single tooth!!!!!
Joke # 14
Top 10 Rules of film-making in Bollywood:
1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on
different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will
suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the
villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all
his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is
possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines,
the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross
and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other
savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If
it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained.
Else, it will be overruled.
5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend
(i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain
within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
6) In a chase, the hero will *always* overtake the villain,
even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he
will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in
rule 2).
8) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a
stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will
be smashed to pieces.
9) Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song
sung by a) the brothers b) their blind mother (but of course,
she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat. The amazing thing is that these folks
remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't
remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.
10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in three
categories:
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed
by the villain before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1),
saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him
in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter
is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the *real* villain's
sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s)
in the climax
Joke # 15
How do u identify a Mallu(Malayali)?
Zimply.
Joke # 16
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to
each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told
him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani
disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you
in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you
kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who
ever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward
the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani
fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"
Joke # 17
Q: What does INTERNET stand for?
A: Indians Networking To Ensure Raillery Now En Then.
Q: What do you call a smart Indian?
A: Indigenious.
Q: Why is India a banana republic?
A: Because the politicians keeps chanting, "Hame ye banana hai, wo
banana hai!
Joke # 18
Q) Once ram,sita,luv & kush were walking down the street,suddenly ram crosses
the street followed by sita& kush but luv doesn't cross. can u tell why?
A) because love is blind.
Q) What happens if your computer pops in a pill of viagara?
A) your floppy drive becomes a hard drive.
Q)Why was KASTURBA GANDHI so thin?
A)because MAHATMA GANDHI was the father of the nation.
Joke # 19
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white
is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So
why is the groom wearing black?"
Joke # 20
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from
about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."
But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out. When the officer got face to face with the woman, he
said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked. "Well," said the
officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse." The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I
left the baby on the bus!"
Joke # 21
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.
Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On
seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE.
Again our sardar thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
Joke # 22
A kid gets a $100 bill from his parents for his birthday. He doesn't know what to
spend the money on. So he goes to his mother and asks her what he should do with
it. She says, " I don't know, go ask your dad." So he runs to his dad and asks him. He
says, " I don't know, go ask your grandma." He goes over to his grandma's house
and asks her the same question. She says, "Give me the hundred bucks and I'll let
you fuck me." The kid agrees. He runs home and his father asks him what he did with
the money. He says, "I screwed grandma." The father says, "WHAT?! YOU FUCKED
MY MOTHER!" The kid says, "So what! You fucked mine."
Joke # 23 
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the
following note on his door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat
me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Joke # 24
Teacher: I asked all of the dumbells to stand, and you're the only one who
did, Anil. Are you a dumbell?
Anil: No, but I thought you might be a little lonely standing there all by yourself.
Joke # 25
A school principal saw some boys huddled together. "What are you
doing?" he demanded. "We were telling dirty jokes," was the sheepish
answer. "Oh, that's all right. I thought you were praying."
Joke # 26
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Anil: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Anil: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
Joke # 27
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around severaltimes, does he become disoriented?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around severaltimes, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why
aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person that drives a race car not called a racist?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around severaltimes, does he become disoriented?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
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