1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26 The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
"Better save that. We'll need it for the
autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop"
"Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie"
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Darn, there go the lights again..."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off"
"What's this doing here?"
"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?"
"What do mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."
"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."
"This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
"What do you mean "You want a divorce"!"
"She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!"
"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"
"FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
A married couple went to the hospital
together to have their baby
delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
There's nothing whatever the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both of me knees,
And when I talk it's with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak and my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
My teeth will eventually have to come out, And my diet I hate to think about, I'm overweight and I can't get thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. Arch supports I have for my feet Or I wouldn't be able to go on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night And every morning I'm really a sight. My memory's failing, My head's in a spin; I'm practically living on Aspirin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. Old age is golden, I've heard it's been said,
But sometimes I wonder as I go to bed, My ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, My eyes on a shelf until I get up, Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself, "Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
When I was young and my slippers were red, I could kick up my heels right over my head. When I grew older my slippers were blue' But I could still dance the whole night through.
Now that I'm old my slippers are black, I walk to the corner and puff my way back. The reason I know that my youth has been spent, My get up and go have got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin, Of all of the places my 'get-up' has been. I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
The moral is, as this tale we unfold, That for those of us who are growing old, It's better to say "I'm Fine" with a grin Than to let others know the shape we're in!
If you need money, borrow from a pessimist.
He doesn't expect to get it back!
A pessimist is a man who gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, then goes to get a second opinion!
A pessimist is somebody who's afraid that somewhere, somehow, someone's having a good time!
Money talks....it says good-bye.
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.
The best way to cure your wife of a case of nerves is to tell her it's caused by advancing age.
There are usually two sides to every argument, but no end.
Most of us know how to say nothing...few of us know when.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a
life sentence!).
-Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
-Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
-Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
-Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
-Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
-Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
-Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" : * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring * The Endu-Ring
-Married life is full of excitement and frustration: * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
-It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye opener.
-Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
-There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
-A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
-Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
-Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
-Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
-Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
-There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married ...and then it was too late!"
-Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
-They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self defense.
-When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
-There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
SO ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH IT? :) You Bet!
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your husband says, "Good morning, Julie" and your name is Jennifer.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she thought a quarterback was a refund
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
she tried to drown a fish
she tripped over a cordless phone
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
she got stabbed in a shoot-out
she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
she sat on the TV and watched the couch
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
at the bottom of the application where it says "sign" she put Sagittarius
it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
she studied for a blood test - and failed
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
she sold the car for gas money
when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your biofocals.
21. The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.
22. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
23. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
24. Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.
25. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
26. You get two invitations to go out on the same night and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
27. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
28. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
29. You get to the check-out line, see how long it is, and decide what you have in your buggy isn't worth the wait.
30. You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care anymore.
31. Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.
32. You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.
33. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
34. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
Just a line to say I'm living, that I'm not
among the dead.
Though I'm getting more forgetful and mixed up in the head.
I've gotten used to my arthritis; to my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bi-focals but, oh God, how I miss my mind!
For sometimes I can't remember, when I stand at the foot of the stairs, If I must go up for something, or if I've just come down from there!
And, before the fridge, so often my poor mind is filled with doubt;
Have I just put the food away, or, have I come to take some out?
So, if it's my turn to write you, there's no need for getting sore.
I may think that I have written, and don't want to be a bore.
So, remember, I do love you and I wish that you were near.
But now's nearly mail-time, so I must say "good-bye, Dear."
There I stood beside the mailbox, with a face so very red.
Instead of mailing you my letter, I had opened it instead!!!!
Author Unknown
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better
