The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So,where y'all from, bitch?"

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his bird, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his bird
down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and
after a few moments, tells the man that his bird, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a
second opinion.  The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat
and puts the cat down next to the bird's body. The cat sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the bird's body and finally
looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that
your bird is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his bird is dead. So the
vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks  from head to tail,
and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your
bird is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how
much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my bird is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

"The Five Commercials Aired During The Lewinsky/Walters Interview"
(and yes, these really did air during the interview)

5.  Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4.  Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I
    Want To."
3.  Oral-B Deluxe.
2.  A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following
    voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful
    leader in the world."
1.  Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually has the power to
    remove stains!"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she wraps her arms around the horse's mane, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when a

Walmart employee runs out to shut the horse off.

.....Hehe....hope my wife never sees this one.....

 

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away.  "Where do you live?"
asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her
over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table,
unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard
time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll
be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

Initial Post
Dear Sirs:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker night  10.3 and Beerbash
2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to
purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

First
Response--------------------------------------------------------------------
-----

Dear Mr.. Powell:

This is a very common problem for men. It is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the
idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0
is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is
impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 will claim registry
exceptions and crash your system. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0
over Wife 1.0 but end up with more problems than original system.

Do not try to run Girlfriend 2.0 at the same time as Wife 1.0. If you do, it
may work for a while, but ultimately this will corrupt your BIOS and your
computer will no longer function. Look in your manual under Warnings-
Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife
1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of
action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup
occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Second
Response--------------------------------------------------------------------
-----

Lawyer 1.0 will remove Wife 1.0s executable, however, it is unable to
completely remove all of Wife 1.0s DLL (dynamic life links) files, and so
you will still run into problems with Wife 1.0 popping up at very
inopportune times. Also be extremely careful to check your version of Wife,
many users have reported that their program had received an automatic
upgrade to Wife 1.1 which will have devastating results if you try and
remove it with Lawyer 1.0. Lawyer 1.5 is needed to cope with the Wife 1.1
alimony service pack, otherwise your system resources will be forever
compromised. Lawyer 1.5 cost a whole lot more than lawyer 1.0, but it is
worth it in the long run.