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Daily Thoughts

April 29-> It's 12:34 right now. It will change as the mintues pass I got home fromm my "Date" with Peter (I drove him home) There was a show at the Lava lounge. I was all excited because I would be able to see my promdate. He was in a pissy mood... so it kinda took all of the fun out of the night. I really want to know how he feels... this is seriously killing me!! Well at least Kerrie was lookiing extra sexi tonight. I gave her a big kiss on the cheek and left a good mark... tee hee. Peter's a real sweet heart.... he makes great company, and so very pretty!! Hmmmm... Andrew and I got into a stamp fight... there's the highlight of my day. It's going to be fun trying to wash the ink off my arms.

April 17-> Is there really an imotion attached to a kiss? Or can you just kiss for no reason at all? I just told a guy how I really feel. He didn't say anything, but I did get a kiss... and yes it was on the lips. So I called this guy up last night, and asked hi, what he thought, his plans, whatever... and he didn't give me an answer... he told me that he hasn't thought about it. Am I getting the wrong impression? Did I do something wrong? I'm just so confused.

April 1-> It's been a while I see. Well, right now I'm feeling a little down, but I'll try to keep this happy.. all I can do is try. Well, I lost a prom date and gained a new one. I'm now going with that guy I mentioned in my last entry.... Not dave. I was going to go with Adam *sighs* but it was not meant to be. Bleck... I feel like shooting myself... I guess I should have taken my "medication" today... oops. I wonder what I'd look like without eyebrows.... Hmmmm.... I cut up the back of my ankels I spent a good 5 minutes watching the blood flow down the drain. I found it pretty facinating. I musn't start my old habbit again. That wouldn't be a good thing.

March 17-> Happy Birthday to my twin sisters Laurah and Victoria. I saw Dave again today.. I love him very much. Guess what everyone? The other day I had a brief reunion with a grade eight *buddy* at work. I gave him my number and we've been talking for a while... He's a really sweet guy. Today he got to hang out with my friends at the show.. See how we interact with eachother and whatnot. I'm surprised that he hasn't run away yet. I'm kinda scared in a way. I havn't *dated* in a year... and I'm thinking what I'm feeling is not real... Maybe I'm just wanting a boyfriend really badly.

March 5-> (really early in the Morning) Ok, I've had several conversations with different guys over the past couple of days and here's what I've come up with. Guys I couldn't talk to: Dave, well that was obvious. I can't talk to him because he thinks of what I feel as a game. Sometiems we do have actual conversations, but they only last about 2 minutes. I've had conversations with 2 drunk guys. One was kinda funny, he acted like a 2 year old, very guallable and scared, the other wanted me naked.... I hope he didn't drink bleach cleaner. Then there was a couple of guys who care for me... but just don't get it. They both knew that something was wrong (duh!) and didn't react the right way. Both reactions were different, but had the same effect on me in the end. Guys I DID talk to: Guy#1 Cart Boy Caleb. This guy is the best!! He's not my best friend, hell, all he knows about me is that I am a cashier and he can make me piss myslef laughing when he does his cartman impressions, or tells a story about how he makes girls cry. He's himslef. That's all that matters. Guy #2: Nick. Man, I always talk to Nick. Not much... he's kinda like Caleb in the sense that he can make me piss myself laughing, by being himself. Guy #3: Cashier Derek... ya, there's something more than he can make me laugh... but there are people from my store who can read this at some point so I won't write anything else. Guy #4: Dylan. Yet another guy who I talk to everyday.. make that I drive him home every day... This kid can just move and I'll laugh. Therefore... If I'm in a pissy mood and I'm OBVIOUSLY trying to hide it, go with the flow and be yourself because I usually don't want to put up with your shit.

Feb 25->Today: Semi formal. I'm not going. Well, I just got back from Cuba... and little 'ol Nick wouldn't go with me... Oh well.. There's always prom... Well, I know that I havn't written anything.. but this is what's been happening. Well, I went to another show Feb 11th... and yes, I saw Dave. Well, here's my story, not only was Dave there... Some ex of mine was preforming there too. Great. Well, there was this sign haning above the Heatskores merch table that said "kisses $3". So, as a joke, I offered Dave $3. He said no, naturally. Well, a friend of mine (I will not say her name, because no matter what she does, I will always lover her) decided to ask him again for me... and he told her that he was married. During his set... He planted a good one on my New friend Peter. I'm so jelous of Peter... He's always been prettier than me. To make a long story short.. I hid from Dave and I couldn't even look at him.

Jan 16-> Oh my! I saw Dave yesterday! How do you get Sarah to forget about her problems for a breif period? You get Dave to walk in front of her! I got a hug, and a guitar pick, and one of the bass strings that fell off his guitar during the show (a great show moment: when dave stopped in the middle of a song and said, "Can I borrow someone's bass, I lost a string and someone stole it." at that point I hid). Oh, that guy is a savoir to me. I forget all my problems for a moment... When he's gone, they're back in my head.

Jan 8-> Stressed, stressed.... is it all work related stress? Maybe today it is? I don't know... Ya, my guy friend is still ignoring me... he emailed me... but it was a forward... does this mean he still thinks of me... I mean, he had to type my email address and all... AHHH!!! WHY CAN'T ALL THE ANSWER BE EASILY ACCESSABLE?? I think I should join a monastary of munks.. they know a lot, but don't speak much.

Jan 3-> I feel so bad. I just left my good friend Marina's birthday party early. Well, I did come early... I wonder if that counts... Anyways... It wasn't like I had to be home at a certain time. I left because I couldn't sit there... Everyone was having a good time, I should have. in similar situations, I do. But for reasons not under my control, I didn't. I so wanted to. I was with my good friends, watching a cool movie... I don't know what to do. Everything around me is crashing down........ FUCK STRESS!

Jan 2 2000-> So it's the new millenium... now what changes has happened so far? My guy friend hates me. yup. He says he doesn't, and it's not my fault... But what other conclusion can I come to when my best friend askes never to call and tell me that he won't respond to any of my emails any more. Not my fault, eh? Bull!! How the hell is this not my fault? Obviously I did something. There's no other explination why he's cutting off the Sarah supply. So I really hope he reads this... which I think won't happen because he told me that he won't be online anymore. Can he hurt me any more than he has now? Stress level rising...

Dec 28 -> Guys are funny creatures. I may have brought this up before... I'm too lazy to check... I don't get them. You tell them one thing they think another... for example: I placed a personals ad for fun on the net, just to see what it's all about. You could tell it was done for fun because it was nothing but nonsense. Anyways, I get at least 5 responses a day now... I respond to only one out of the batch. I respond to those who seem harmless and fun to talk to, because that's what I want. There's this one guy I've been emailing back and forth for a while, that I've just added to my icq list today. First question he askes: How many guys have you gone out with? Second question: How many guys have you had sex with? GREAT!! this is what I really need RIGHT NOW! I AM STILL SO STRESSED OUT OVER EVERYTHING AND THIS GUY WANTS SEX NOW! Am I a friggin sex robot? no. Anyways, I tell him that I've taken a vow of chastity... which is the truth. So he asks if I had ever given or recived oral sex.... So I tell him, "I'd rather join a convent." Question 3: So do you have any single friends? WHAT THE HELL! I'm not good enough because I won't get dirty. I don't even know if he realizes what a dumb question that was. It was almost hurtful. A message for all those guys interested: Don't date me 'cause I won't give you head. I know that's what you're looking for.

Dec 23 -> AHHH!! I'm so incredibly stressed out! I'm fighting with this guy friend of mine, work sucks because of Christmas and the holiday season makes me feel all lonely. I'm not spending time with my loved ones. I'm spending it with my new family at dominion. I have no bf... like that's a necesity... but I want one damnit! *sigh*

Dec 16->Yes, yes I know it's been a while.. and this hasn't been linked to my main page either... oh well... But I'm back with more stuffs to spill our of my brain. Sarah has had her first root canal... Aw... kinda like baby's first christmas. Last August, I has a cavity filled and the dentist drilled too close to the nerve... But he thought nothing of it and left it. I had migranes ever since, and thought nothing of it... untill 2 weeks ago. The pain got worse and I went to the dentist... he gave me anti-biotics. That didn't help much. So he put me on anti- biotics and Tylonal 3. That still didn't work, plus I could drive or drink which sucked when I went to the Company Christmas party (another story I cold write about... if you really want to hear it, let me know and maybe I'll post it). I went to the dentist for a root canal. 5 freezing and it still hurt like hell... He gave me more ty 3's (yes I did O.D. on them) and he sent me to a specialist. I went the next day. Stupid guy told me that it wouldn't hurt. Once he got in the tooth, he told me that he has never seen a case like my tooth... always reasurring. It hurt like a bithch. He insisted that I held his assistant's hand... I probably broke it cause she left and didn't come back. The root canal isn't done yet.. I have to go on the 21st to have it finished. Hurray. He said I should experience any more pain... I have a headache now, and I can't chew. Thanks doc.

October 31 -> HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Anyways, Here is my "whine" for the day. I was reading my mail, minding my own business, when a online friend of mine told me to read he guestbook, so I did. The entry I read was submitted by a girl named Sarah and she said that she met Ryan Dennis, and she even left a picture of Ryan and... wait a minute! That's me! She thinks that the picture is of her and ryan.

Now look at this pic. First of all, "Sarah" is wearing a Canadian Martyrs Catholic School T-shirt. Only 4 in that colour was made. Second, there is that pink necklace I always wear. I emailed this girl, kindly explaining that the picture is of me, but she insists that I'm the imposter, not her. What am I to do?!

October 24-> I am forced to make a descision that will change my life from that point on. Should I quit my job? I mean, I love my job, my co-workers are cool (and half of them are very good looking), and I love what I do. Shut up, I do. I hate admit it. It's hard to believe that just a year ago I though cashiers suck. The thing is, I don't get very many hours. I could also get a second job, possibly... Maybe I'll get more hours around Christmas... I sure hope so.

October 17-> I figured something out. Being a cashier is one big game! I mean, the whole point of my job is to get an order through in the least amount of time. They even keep scores posted in the office. I think I'm losing.

October 16-> Is it the job of others around me to try to upset me in anyway possible? I'm starting to think it is. Aparently I have no life and I bring people around me down. I'm also starting to think that the people I thought who cared are just "hanging around" just to keep me happy... they are too nice to tell me the truth because they thing I would do something drastic like kill myself or something.

October 2-> Lately, I've been tired. I've been up late, doing absolutly nothing... well I was talking on the phone, but that's nothing to talk about. I need some time out, have some fun... Besides that one time I got caught in a mosh pit... I will NEVER do that again! All the people around me have lives. I WANT ONE TOO! Go out every Friday and Saturday night. But no, I'm stuck doing nothing but sit around on the phone, talking about the same thing everynight... and it doesn't help when the person on the other side is ALWAYS LAUGHING AT ME!!!!

September 24-> What the hell is love anyway? I totally despise it, but at the same time, I crave it. I'm only 17 years old. I'm still young. It doesn't help when my grandmother keeps on telling me that she was pregnant when she was my age. They grew up too fast back then, and now it's starting to pick up again whether we like it or not. I feel that I am not mature enough to handle such emotions, but how do I get out of it? I'm growing up. I don't want to grow up. I'd rather sit in a high chair and have my parents feed me. Those were the days...

September 22-> Here's what I don't get. I have so many people mad at me for a very stupid reason. I care about them. Yep, that's what I said. I don't want to say what they've done that started this whole fight, but I'll try in my own little way. They did something that makes them rebles in the eyes of others, and told the people who knew what they were doing, to not tell me. I guess if I was them and I had a friend like me, I wouldn't have told myself... ya. Anyways, I found out and called them up on thier cell. I told them that what they were doing was TOTALLY wrong. They got mad at me and started complaining about my bad habbits and making it look like I was living the evil life. Now, one of my "friends" will talk to me and make me feel so low, like I have no point in living. Now, sometimes I will question myself where there is a point in me being alive or not. Don't you just love friends?