This is the end.

"I cannot save you, I can't even save myself."

Anger. Frustration. Bondage.

After all these years, I still find myself stuck. I'm constantly going to extremes of love and hate while thinking of the past 20 years with you. You tried so hard to ease my pain and calm my fears in the midst of a whirlwind of emotions, only to be met with ungratefulness and spite. I love you for being unselfish, but I hate you for not standing up to the ones who take you for granted. Especially to me. Every single day, I watch you die a little more, and a little quicker than the day before, and I feel betrayed, cornered into feeling emotions I don't want to deal with. You're the only one who hasn't given up. Why?? I'd feel so much more at ease if you'd just tell me to fuck off, to deal with my own shit. I love you, but I don't know how to express that, even the words, no matter how simple it seems, I can't get them to leave my lips, and I'm angry because I know you can't understand that. Guilt overwhelmes me in your presence, but it will never show. I'm guilty for being ungrateful and undeserving of your love, of your compassion. I'm angry that you've given your entire life to people who just left you crumpled and emotionally spent. I'm forlorn because it's too late to change the past. I'm scared because I don't know how to change the future. I'm confused.

"All the times that I've cried, all this wasted, it's all inside, and I feel all this pain, stuffed it down, it's back again."

Anger. Bitterness. Betrayal.

I feel like a pushover for letting you hurt me today, even though I haven't even talked to you in almost 2 years. I still resent what you did. I still cry, not over losing you, but over losing myself because of you. To tell you the truth, I really mean it when I tell myself I don't care about you, so what makes my stomach knot up whenever I think about you? I've never gotten over you getting over me, and especially being so cold about it. You're the only one in this situation who has ever told me I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy of your time. I guess this is what it feels like when they say "a taste of your own medicine." I feel betrayed after doing everything within my means to make a dream work, only to end up left out in the cold. Resentment fills my soul and my heart gets a little blacker with every thought of you. I hate that I gave up so much, sacrificed so much at such a young age, with nothing to show for it now. I hate you for having that much control. I hate you for giving up a good thing. I hate you for showing me what I've done to so many people in my own life. I hate you for not feeling. I hate you for giving me hope, then snatching it all away. I hate you for fucking me over.

Anger. Resentment. Rage.

"A constant wave of tension on top of broken trust, the lessons that you taught me, I learned were never true. Now I find myself in question."

I despise you for stealing my soul. Whenever I think of you, my heart starts pounding, my fists clench, my teeth grind, my head sinks, my eyes turn dark with rage and resentment. I used to always feel hurt because you weren't who I needed you to be. I used to cry because I knew I could never make you change. Now, I don't feel any hurt at all. I feel anger. I want to hurt you. I want to stand over you and kick you in the ribs just like you once did to me. I want you to feel the sweat off my brow stinging your face. I want to leave you crumpled on the floor, dead inside, with nothing left on the outside but a blank stare in your eyes, a void in your soul. I want you to step out into the world as a child and hate every fiber of your being. I want you to feel hopeless. BUT..I don't fucking want your pity. I just want you to know how it feels. I'm fucking finished with you, I don't need you. I thought I needed you once, but I survived without you, I made it on my own, and I now know that you can never hurt me the way you once could so easily. Stop calling me. Stop writing me. Stop trying to use me just because you have no one else left. I'm done with you. You're dead to me, just as I've been to you for 20 years.

"Tomorrow will be OK....."

This is me. These are my tears. This is my bloodletting.

I wish I could change the past, but I know I can't. I pray for the future to be different, but I fear it won't. I constantly ask myself if this is the end.

I want to make amends, but I can't. I'm afraid. To those who've shed tears because of me, I'm forever in debt to you. I never meant to cause anyone undue pain.

My muscles are all tense, my head throbbing. In the darkness, I nervously search for a vein. My tear-streaked face reflects 20 years of pain. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of being angry, but it's all I know. I gently stroke a blade back and forth across my wrist, half-daring myself to push down. More tears as my teeth bite into my bottom lip, drawing warm, bitter blood forth. The blade sinks into my wrist, and immediately my tension eases. The tears cease, my stomach untangles, my mind is at ease. I don't feel guilty for my sins anymore. I've paid my debts. My pain rapidly collects in a puddle of crimson on the cold, tile floor. My fear. My hurt. My pain. My resentment. My anger. My hate. My rage. My selfishness. My darkness -- all gone.

Look closer. This is not the end. This is only the beginning.