[Setting: Night Club]
JERRY: The bus is the single, stupidest, fattest, slowest, most dispised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus people in your car go, "what are you doing? Get away! Come on!"? The back of the bus, it's like an eclipse, isn't it? People are just like like, "the sun! Where is the sun?" It's like this huge, metal ass, just taking up the whole windshield of your car. When it pulls out, it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (Low, prolonged groan)
[Setting: A NYC Bus]
GEORGE: It's just not good. It's not good.
JERRY: It's not good.
GEORGE: I'm bored. She's boring. I'm boring. We're both boring. We go out to eat - we both read newspapers.
JERRY: Well, at breakfast everybody reads.
GEORGE: No, lunch: we read. Dinner: we read.
JERRY: You read during lunch?
GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: Oh. Well.
GEORGE: There's nothing to talk about.
JERRY: Ah, what's there to talk about?
GEORGE: Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
JERRY: Why don't you talk with her about how there's nothing to talk about?
GEORGE: She knows there's nothing to talk about.
JERRY: At least she'll be talking.
GEORGE: (Recoiling) Ah, shut up.
(AL makes his way up to Jerry and George.)
AL: Hey, look who's here.
JERRY: Hey, Al.
GEORGE: Hey, Al, how's it going?
AL: Deeply in love. We have so many things to talk about. Sometimes, we'll talk all night! (Chuckles) Till the sun comes up. (Sighs) So, how about you?
GEORGE: Oh, I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her - Daphne Bower.
AL: Great girl.
GEORGE: We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep, soulful looks.
JERRY: Like Dwight and Mimi Eisenhower.
AL: Oh, did you hear about Fulton?
JERRY: Yeah.
AL: Yeah, I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago. I think he'd really like you to come visit.
JERRY: Me?
AL: Yeah. He said he could use a good laugh.
GEORGE: What about me?
AL: He didn't mention you. Oh, this is my stop, uh, see ya.
GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: Yeah, see ya.
GEORGE: (Scoffs) "Deeply in love." If he can't say something bad about a relationship, he shouldn't say anything at all.
JERRY: (Nodding) Uh-huh.
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry and George enter.)
GEORGE: I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.
JERRY: "Could use a good laugh." You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me.
GEORGE: I-I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I make them feel worse.
GEORGE: Yeah and, also, I'm afriad that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know, they've got nothing to lose; what do they care?
JERRY: So you're not going to come?
GEORGE: No, but say hello for me.
(Kramer and Mickey enter.)
KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Hey. Hey, Mick.
MICKEY: Hey, Jerry.
KRAMER: What's doin'?
JERRY: Nothing, what's doin' with you?
KRAMER: Same old, same old.
JERRY: George, this is Mickey.
GEORGE: (Shaking Mickey's hand) Hi, nice to meet you.
MICKEY: Pleasure.
JERRY: So how's working going, you guys?
MICKEY: Let's not even talk about it.
GEORGE: (To Kramer) You got a job?
KRAMER: Yeah. Mickey, he hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on All My Children. Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight-year-old kid, and I stand-in for the kid's father.
MICKEY: But I got a big problem. The kid I'm standing-in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's, like, four two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches! I could do four-two. Four-three's a stretch. Any higher than that, I'm going to be out on my ass doing that paralegal crap.
JERRY: How do you stop a kid from growing?
KRAMER: (To Mickey) I told you, you shoulda offered him some cigarettes.
MICKEY: I offered him cigarettes! But his stupid mother is always hanging around. She won't let him have any.
KRAMER: What about lifts?
MICKEY: Out of the question.
GEORGE: Can't you just switch with another midget?
(Mickey starts as Jerry gives out a groan.)
MICKEY: (To George) It's little people. You got that?
KRAMER: Easy, Mickey. Easy...
GEORGE: (Meek) Yeah.
KRAMER: Alright, we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?
JERRY: Oh, I'm going to the hospital to visit Fulton.
KRAMER: Oh! Oh, well, say hello for me.
(Kramer and Mickey exit. Scene cuts to the outside hallway.)
KRAMER: Now, look, we're going to stop at the shoemaker, right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.
MICKEY: Lifts?! Look, Kramer, you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done.
KRAMER: You want to keep your job, don't you?
MICKEY: Yeah, but--
KRAMER: Aught. No buts.
MICKEY: But--
KRAMER: (Cutting him off) Aaaaaught.
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Hospital Room]
(Jerry enters. A stone-faced Fulton is lying in bed)
JERRY: Hey, hey! Ful-Ful-Fulton! It's me.
FULTON: Hey, Jerry. Good to see ya. I could use a good laugh.
JERRY: Who couldn't?
FULTON: I haven't cracked a smile in months.
JERRY: Oh, dont' worry. You'll crack. Cracking's inevitable. First you crack, then you chuckle. That was the motto of the Russians at the siege of Leningrad. First you crack, then you chuckle. (Pause) You know, because, Leningrad, when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time...'Cause of the war. Famine...'Cause it was cold, very cold...They were eatting eachother. (Pause) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit.
FULTON: It's a fine time.
JERRY: Oh, all right, well, there's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all skydiving...
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Monk's Diner]
(George and Daphne are both reading newspapers. George is eager to talk.)
GEORGE: So, how are the eggs?
DAPHNE: Eggs are eggs.
GEORGE: Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. By the same token could you say fish is fish? I don't think so. (A beat) Listen, Dauphne--
DAPHNE: Daphne.
GEORGE: Daphne. I have to tell you something. This is very difficult--
DAPHNE: Oh, I forgot to tell you! Al Nechie called me, today.
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say?
DAPHNE: He told me not to get involved with you.
GEORGE: What?
DAPHNE: Yeah, he said you could never make a commitment to anyone and you'd just wind up hurting me.
GEORGE: He said that? What a nerve! How dare he say something like that!
DAPHNE: Is it true?
GEORGE: (Defensive) Of course not!...I mean, sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past when I may have reacted in an impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me.
(Scene end.)
[Setting: All My Children Set]
(Father and Son actors are shooting a scene.)
SON: How long are you going to be away for, Daddy?
FATHER: I'm not really going away. I told you, I'll be back every other weekend.
SON: (Hugging Father's legs) Don't go, Daddy, don't go!
FATHER: (Kneeling down) Now, Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But, sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
(They embrace as the director moves in.)
DIRECTOR: Aaand there's your scene. Stand-ins?
(Kramer and Mickey move in the set.)
KRAMER: Yo.
STAGE HAND: (Off camera) All right, you guys, get on your spots. We gotta fix the lights.
(Various stage hands mess with things on the set as the two actors are moving off. Kramer taps the father actor's shoulder.)
KRAMER: That was good work.
(The actor gives Kramer a depreciating look as he moves away.)
MICKEY: (Flat) How long are you going to be away for, Daddy.
KRAMER: (With unnecessary drama) I told you, I'm not really going away. I'll be back every other weekend.
MICKEY: (Ibid.) Don't go, Daddy, don't go.
KRAMER: (Ibid.) Now, listen, Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But, sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
(Mickey goes to hug Kramer, but gets hit in the face by Kramer's pipe. Kramer continues to hold Mickey in a hug.)
MICKEY: (Flailing) All right. Kramer, Kramer!
(Mickey pushes Kramer off of him and to the floor.)
DIRECTOR: Okay, that's lunch, everybody. One hour.
(A buzzer sounds as random people leave.)
KRAMER: How do those lifts feel?
MICKEY: Quiet!
(Tammy, another little person, approaches them.)
TAMMY: Hi, guys.
MICKEY: Hey, Tammy.
TAMMY: Hey, you look different. Have you been working out?
MICKEY: Not that I know of.
TAMMY: Well, whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it. You look great.
MICKEY: How about lunch?
TAMMY: Oh, I can't today! But, um, I see it in our future...See ya, Kramer.
KRAMER: Yeah.
TAMMY: (While exiting) Bye, Mickey.
KRAMER: Ooh, she likes you, Buddy.
(The high-five eachother.)
MICKEY: Yeah.
KRAMER: Yeah!
MICKEY: Why all the sudden?
KRAMER: What?
(Another child stand-in, Johnny, approaches.)
JOHNNY: Hey, Mick.
MICKEY: (Flat) How you doin', Johnny.
JOHNNY: What gives? What's going on? Are you going out with Tammy?
MICKEY: Maybe. What's it to you?
JOHNNY: There's something different about you.
MICKEY: I got my haircut, that's all.
JOHNNY: No, that's not it. Something else...Yeah, you look different.
MICKEY: You don't. You got the same ugly mug you had since the day I met you.
JOHNNY: (Threatening) I don't know what it is, but I'll find out. I'll find out.
(Johnny walks away as Mickey gives Kramer a worried look. Kramer chuckles, shaking the threat off. Scene ends.)
[Setting: Hospital Room]
(Jerry's still trying to get Fulton to laugh. He's sweating and his throat is dry.)
JERRY: So, uh, she's just sitting there, and then Pachyderm - you remember the 'Derm - he says, uh, "I'm gonna go up to her." So he, uh, he uh, picks up the two pieces of pizza, and he, uh, and they're steaming hot, they're burning his hands, see? So he's juggling them - he's throwing them up in the air - and just as he gets up to her, down they go! (Catches breath) Well, we all just lost it...It was really, really funny...
(Phil enters.)
PHIL: Hey, Jerry!
JERRY: Hey, Phil! How you doin'?
PHIL: You look terrific.
JERRY: I got my health.
PHIL: Well, that's the most important thing. (Phil's attentions shift over to Fulton as he coughs) Hey, Fultain, Nitaine, Butaine, Nitraine! (To Jerry) How's he doin'?
JERRY: (Whiping his brows) He could use a couple laughs.
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
ELAINE: (Chuckling) You shoulda told the story about Pachyderm dropping the pizza.
JERRY: I told it!
(Jerry's intercom is buzzed by George.)
JERRY: (Through intercom) Yeah?
GEORGE: (Outside) Yeah.
(Jerry lets him up.)
JERRY: Hey, you know, as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Tatolla. He is one of the greatest guys.
ELAINE: Do I know him?
JERRY: No, but I tell you something, of all the guys I know, he is the one I could envision you going out with him.
ELAINE: If you were a woman, would you go out with him?
JERRY: If I was a woman, I'd be down on the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
ELAINE: (Laughs) Yeah, I bet you would. All right, give him my number.
JERRY: All right.
(George enters.)
GEORGE: This, you're not going to believe. Al Nechie - that pimple! - tells Daphne, now get this, not to get involved with me.
JERRY: What?
GEORGE: Yeah! That's what she told me.
ELAINE: Why?
GEORGE: Because he's afraid she's going to get hurt.
ELAINE: Is she?
GEORGE: Of course!
ELAINE: ...So?
GEORGE: Well, he doesn't have to tell her!
ELAINE: Maybe he likes her.
GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no. He's "deeply in love"...And I was just about to break up with her when she told me.
JERRY: Well, so what are you going to do?
GEORGE: Well, I can't break up with her now.
JERRY: Why?
GEORGE: Because he said I was going to!
ELAINE: So now you're going to keep going out with her for spite?
GEORGE: Yes! I am!
JERRY: Yeah, I can see that.
GEORGE: I don't see any way around it.
JERRY: No, me, either.
GEORGE: What choice do I have?
JERRY: None.
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: All My Children Dressing Room]
(Mickey enters to find that someone has pried his locker door open. Though his lifts are still there, they've been removed from his shoes.)
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
JERRY: She told me it's all my fault. She said that since my visit, he's taken a turn for the worse!
KRAMER: Did you tell him the Pachyderm story?
JERRY: Yeah, I told him the Pachyderm story!
KRAMER: Maybe I'll go over there.
JERRY: Towards what end?
KRAMER: No, I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend, Len Nickademo, had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days. The doctors were amazed at his recovery.
(Mickey knocks on the door. Kramer opens it for him.)
KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Hey, Mick.
MICKEY: Johnny Vigano went through my locker.
KRAMER: Oww!
MICKEY: The little bastard! He saw the lifts in my shoes. Yeah, he knows I'm heightening. (To Kramer) This never woulda happened if you didn't push me to get those things. I told you.
KRAMER: Hey, nobody put a gun to your head.
MICKEY: Yeah, well, just keep out of my business, you big ape!
KRAMER: Who you calling a big ape?
MICKEY: I'm calling you an ape!
(Kramer and Mickey begin to wrestle as Jerry steps between and separates the two.)
JERRY: All right, break it up! Just cut it out, now! (Everyone catches their breaths) Behave yourselves.
MICKEY: I'm sorry, Kramer.
KRAMER: No, no, no. It's all right, It's all right...You're stressed out!
JERRY: Why's this guy, Johnny, have it in for you?
MICKEY: Oh, he's always been jealous of me. I always get the stand-ins for the biggest stars: the Cosby kids, Ricky Schroder, Micauly Caulkin...
KRAMER: (Whistles) What's he like?
MICKEY: He's a good kid.
KRAMER: Yeah?
JERRY: Well, so what does he care if you put lifts in?
MICKEY: You don't understand. There's an unwritten code about this kind of thing. I could be ostrasized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten me; he lost his job, lost his friends, everything. Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind of thing, but I was so...desperate! What is this kid taking, anyway?! Hormones? Steroids?! Would you tell me?
(Scene end.)
[Setting: George's Car]
(George and Daphne are parked after a date.)
GEORGE: Well, here we are.
DAPHNE: George, tomorrow's Sunday. We could sleep late, and get the paper, and have breakfast, and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch--
GEORGE: You know what? I-I don't think I'll be able to stay over, tonight.
DAPHNE: Why not?
GEORGE: Yeah, I really should go home. You know, actually, I'm planning on spending the day with my Father, tomorrow. We're...going to a father-son picnic - just the two of us.
DAPHNE: I thought we were going to spend the day together.
GEORGE: Well, Dad's been planning this for such a long time. He bought a new blanket. And he got that game with the foam paddles, and the velcro ball.
DAPHNE: Have you given any more thought to what we talked about? You know, moving in?
GEORGE: Yes. Oh, yes...very much...mm-hm.
DAPHNE: ...Maybe you don't want to move in.
GEORGE: No, no. I do. You know, it's just--
DAPHNE: Maybe Al Nechie was right! Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with you!
GEORGE: (Stern) No, he is not right. Al Nechie is not right! Alright, I'm cancelling the father-son picnic! I don't know what he's going to do with all that potato salad!
(Scene end.)
[Setting: Phil's Car]
(Elaine and Phil are parked, just after a date. She's telling Phil the Pachyderm story, and her entire story is laced with hysterical laugher on both their parts.)
ELAINE: And then Pachyderm picks up the two pieces of pizza, and mind you, now, the're burning hot - he can barely hold them! And he's trying to, like, juggle the pizza, you know...I mean, and then, and then they go flying--
PHIL: I'm going to pee my pants!
ELAINE: And then they go flying out of his hands, and one of them lands on her face, and the other one lands on his face. (Moments of pure laughter) I mean, it's hopelessly crazy...Ah, that was good.
PHIL: Oh, that's a good story.
ELAINE: I know. I know.
PHIL: Oh, oh...(The laughter finally subsides) Oh, that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.
ELAINE: I know.
PHIL: Well, this has been one hell of a night.
ELAINE: Ohh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner.
PHIL: You know, you really are beautiful, Elaine.
ELAINE: (Gasps) Oh! Well. (An awkward silence) Goodnight.
PHIL: Goodnight?
ELAINE: (Leaning in to kiss him) Well... (Elaine's gaze shifts downward, and a look of shock flashes on her face.)
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry's on the phone.)
JERRY: Come on, Adrie, give me another chance. I know I could cheer Fulton up! I tell you what, I'll do my act. No, new material. He's never heard it. (Elaine enters) He'll love it! I just did it at the Concord last week, it killed! Thank you. Thanks for-- You will not regret this. (Hangs up; to Elaine) Hey.
ELAINE: Hello.
JERRY: So?
ELAINE: What?
JERRY: Come on. How was your date?
ELAINE: Ohh, the date. The date...
JERRY: Yeah, how was it?
ELAINE: Interesting.
JERRY: Really?
ELAINE: Ohh yeah.
JERRY: Why, what happened?
ELAINE: Let's see...How shall I put this?
JERRY: Well, just put it.
ELAINE: He took it out.
JERRY: He what?
ELAINE: (Removes her glasses) He took. (Breathes on the lenses quick, twice, then cleans them with a cloth) It out.
JERRY: He took what out?
ELAINE: It.
JERRY: He took it out?
ELAINE: Yessirre, Bob.
JERRY: He couldn't.
ELAINE: He did.
JERRY: Were you involved in some sort of amorous...
ELAINE: Noooo.
JERRY: You mean he just...?
ELAINE: Yes.
JERRY: Are you sure?
ELAINE: Oh, quite.
JERRY: There was no mistaking it?
ELAINE: (With a frank look) Jerry.
JERRY: So, you were talking...
ELAINE: Mm-hm.
JERRY: You're having pleasant conversation...
ELAINE: Mm-hm.
JERRY: And then all of the sudden--
ELAINE: Yeah.
JERRY: It.
ELAINE: It.
JERRY: Out.
ELAINE: Out.
JERRY: Well, I-I can't believe this. I know Phil. He's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
ELAINE: Oh, it be. You got any other friends you want to set me up with?
(Kramer enters.)
KRAMER: Hey. (To Elaine) Hey, how was your date with Phil Tatolla?
ELAINE: He took it out.
(Kramer startles dramatically.)
KRAMER: Well, maybe, uh...it needed some air. You know, sometimes they need air. They can't breathe in there. It's inhuman!
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Monks Diner]
GEORGE: So she's just sitting there. She's having a pleasant conversation, and all of the sudden--
JERRY: It.
GEORGE: It.
JERRY: Out.
GEORGE: Out...Wow! I've spent so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off...Oh, hey, come on, get out of here. Daphne's going to be here.
JERRY: All right, I'm going.
GEORGE: You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored; I genuinely dislike her.
JERRY: Well, how long are you going to keep this up?
GEORGE: Hey, I'll get married if I have to! Al Nechie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me, again!
JERRY: You know, George, they're doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set up a meet-and-greet.
GEORGE: I'm very disappointed to hear you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick.
JERRY: Yes, I do.
GEORGE: Alright, what are you doing?
JERRY: I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material.
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: Hospital Hallway]
(Jerry meets up with Phil.)
PHIL: Ah, hey, Jer!
JERRY: (Uneasy) Ohh, heeeey. Phil.
PHIL: You know, I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong.
JERRY: Well, you showed her who you were.
PHIL: (Noticing a woman nearby) Oh, look at this...What, she's gotta breastfeed in public?
JERRY: Yeah, that's...the last thing you want to see. Well, next to last.
PHIL: I'll see ya.
JERRY: Yeah, take it easy. (Enters Fulton's room with energy) Hey, how you doin'?! Good to be here!
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: All My Children Set]
(Kramer and Mickey are playing rock, paper, scissors.)
BOTH: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Match!
MICKEY: Alright! Rock beats paper.
(Mickey smacks Kramer's hand.)
KRAMER: Ow! I thought paper covered rock.
MICKEY: No, rock flies right through paper.
KRAMER: Well, what beats rock?
MICKEY: Nothing beats rock.
KRAMER: All right, come on.
BOTH: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Match!
KRAMER: Rock.
MICKEY: Rock.
BOTH: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Match!
KRAMER: Rock.
MICKEY: Rock. (A child stand-in walks by) Hey, Bob. (He waves Mickey off) Hey, what's with you? You got a problem?! (To Kramer) You see that look he gave me?
KRAMER: (Calming him) Alright, come on.
KRAMER: Rock.
MICKEY: Rock. (Tammy walks by.) Hey, Tammy.
TAMMY: (Sassy) Hello.
MICKEY: So, Tammy. Finally, today's our big lunch.
TAMMY: (Ibid.) I don't think so.
MICKEY: Why not? What the hell are you talking about?
TAMMY: Look, Mickey, everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set.
MICKEY: Wait, wait--
TAMMY: Don't touch me! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! All the progress we've made over the years, and you go and blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like that.
MICKEY: Wait a second! Wait a second, you've got me all wrong! It was all because of the kid. The kid was growing. He shot up two and a half inches in a month! (Slowly, all the little people on the set circle Mickey) I woulda lost my job! Any one of you woulda done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbot! I stood-in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing! (Gesturing to Kramer) It's all his fault. It was his idea!
TAMMY: Come on, Johnny, let's go get something to eat.
(Everyone leaves but Mickey and Kramer. Mickey yells out of frustration, and then charges toward Kramer.)
KRAMER: (As Mickey attacks) Mickey!
(The two fall to the ground, fighting, as the scene ends.)
[Setting: Hospital Room]
(Fulton is laughing uncontrollably as Jerry does his act.)
JERRY: This guy's belching up firemen. And this whole justice league: Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman; you mean to tell me Superman can't cut for everything? For crying out loud - he's Superman! (All the sudden Fulton's laughter dies out. Jerry looks on with concerned guilt) ...Fulton?...Fulton?
(Scene ends.)
[Setting: