Darkness. Approaching, descending and engulfing with frightening intensity. Frantically searching the inner recesses of my soul, where joy and happiness should be and finding nothing. No feelings of deep peace and contentment, no beckoning light, illuminating the person I once was......not so long ago. Alone. So utterly absorbed in a place devoid of all feelings. This shell which once contained so much beauty, passion and life, now completely empty of the tiniest emotion. Blackness and despair washing over me with all the fury of a wave upon a storm ravaged ocean.
Sweeping me along on a sea of despair where apathy and tears are my constant companions. Each day sinking deeper into a bottomless void that was once filled with happiness, love and a life so fulfilling that it reached out to those around me and like a beacon illuminating the darkest night drew them into my warmth.
When did that light that shone so brightly within me begin to flicker and fade? And when did the tenuous threads that held the fibre of my life together begin to fray? How do I emerge from this depression that has taken control of my very being? And even now consumes my every thought? God help me, do I even possess the determination and the strength to try?
As darkness descends and I drift once again into the silence that surrounds me, a tiny voice penetrates the edges of my subconscious. "Mummy, please don’t cry again" And as I gaze into the confused and hurt eyes of my little girl, whose very life was nurtured within me a tiny spark is rekindled.
And as she gently takes my hand I realize that this small child will guide me through my darkness. Her light will ignite my flame. And through her, the person I once was, will be reborn.
In her I will find my strength...
©Susan Cummins 23/4/98