I Don't Have to Wonder
Title: I Don't Have to Wonder
Author: Dana Gonzales
Rating: PG
Category: S, R
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to the man, the myth, the legend: Chris Carter and 1013
productions. Sadly, they are not mine, but if they were....Please don't sue. I'm just a poor college student.
Author Note: WARNING!! All Non-Shippers turn back now!!!! You've been warned. The song belongs to Garth Brooks (one of the greatest country singers around). I liked it so much I
decided to write a story kinda connected to it. Anyway, enjoy!
Special Thanks to Megan for giving me such wonderful encouragement with this story. Thanks again!
******************************************************************************
Drove to the church
In my suit and tie
But I just couldn't bring myself
To go inside
So I sat alone
In my truck across the street
Watched that chauffeur smokin' cigarettes
By that long white limousine
********************
I Don't Have to Wonder (1/7)
Dana Gonzales
"You're what?" Mulder asked, hoping that he heard her wrong.
"I'm getting married," Scully said in a straight voice.
*Nope, I didn't hear her wrong* he thought to himself. Mulder knew that he really shouldn't be surprised. Scully ran into Jeff O'Brien about three months ago and they hit it off immediately. They went to med. school together before Scully was recruited for the FBI. Mulder was slightly annoyed with the fact that Scully had never mentioned him before, but he didn't think it was a big deal. That was then. Now, Scully and Jeff were going to get married the following month.
"Mulder, did you hear anything I said," Scully asked as she watched her partner return from
dreamland.
"What? No, I didn't. What were you saying?" Mulder said embarrassed by the fact that she
had caught him daydreaming.
"I said that we are getting married next month and wanted to know if you'd be able to make
it?"
No, I can't make it because you're making a mistake. Don't you think you're rushing into
this? How well do you really know this guy? Mulder's head swam with thoughts he knew he
couldn't tell her so he did something he promised he'd never do: lie.
"Scully, you know I'll be there. Just let me know where and when," he said, mustering the
best grin he could.
Scully only smiled. Maybe this was going to be easier than she thought. "Thank you so much Mulder. This means a lot to me."
"Um Scully, I was wondering..." he stuttered not sure how to phrase his question.
"No, I'm not going to quit work. Not right away, anyway. Is that what you were wondering?" she asked.
"Yes. What do you mean not right away'?" he asked.
"Jeff's fellowship is up at the end of next month and he doesn't know where they'll send him. There is a chance that he'll continue working in D.C., but it's likely that he'll get sent somewhere else. We should know in two weeks."
"Oh," Mulder said. Again, he tried to act happy. "Well Scully, I hope you're happy. You
deserve to be."
Scully just smiled. God, he was making her feel so guilty. She knew he wasn't happy, but at least he was trying to pretend he was. This wasn't about him, though. This was about her and her happiness. Jeff did make her happy. She was sure that they would have a wonderful life
together, but something plagued her. She wasn't sure what it was, but she couldn't shake the
feeling.
******************************************************************************
I Don't Have to Wonder (2/7)
Two weeks later
As she promised, Scully did find out about Jeff's job. He told her over dinner the night before.
"Dana, I have some news for you," Jeff said, carefully weighing his words against her emotions.
"Oh," was all she said. She didn't even bother looking up. Well, it's now or never. He
cleared his throat and said, "I'm being transferred to Denver. They're expecting us to me to start a week after the wedding."
"Denver," Scully said, as she looked up. Jeff sat across from her nervously waiting for her response. She knew there was a chance that they were going to have to leave, but she didn't
expect it to be so far away. She wouldn't be able to see her mother, or her friends, or Mulder.
Fear crept into her mind as she thought about how she was going to tell him. He was her best
friend and she knew this was going to kill him.
"Dana?" Jeff said nervously.
Scully quickly remembered where she was and forced a smile. "I hear Colorado is a great
place to live." She didn't know what else to say. Jeff seemed so happy and she couldn't tell him that she didn't want to leave.
"So you're happy, right?"
"Yes. Yes, I am," she said with a smile.
The rest of the evening was rather boring. They discussed plans that still had to be made for the wedding, their families, and work. Jeff had only met Mulder once. But he knew how
important Dana was to him. They risk their lives for each other almost every day. She's probably the only friend he's got. Jeff worried about how he would react to the news, but remained quiet during dinner.
******************************************************************************
I could just imagine
What was goin' on in there
Sunlight streamin' through the stained glass
And those flowers in your hair
And in less time than it takes a tear to fall
Those bell ring loud as thunder
As they open up the doors
Now I don't have to wonder anymore
*********************
I Don't Have to Wonder (3/7)
One week later
The basement door opened and Scully walked to her area. The past three weeks had been
more awkward than either had expected. They just didn't know how to act around each other.
The silent communication they had carefully developed over the span of five years was quickly
deteriorating. The comfortable silence they both shared now hung over them like an
overwhelming pressure that couldn't be removed.
Scully knew she had to tell Mulder, but she didn't know what to say. If only she knew how he would react. She knew she had to tell him; she had put it off long enough. If she didn't, he would ask sooner or later. She took a deep breath and mentally prepared herself for the task at hand. She suddenly found herself wishing to be anywhere but where she was. In their work with the X Files, the agents had confronted many horrific cases. Scully decided she would rather go through the worst of them again if it would get her out of telling Mulder. She knew she had to do it though.
"Mulder, are you busy?" Scully asked quietly.
Mulder heard her, but decided to pretend he didn't. *Maybe if I ignore her, she'll go away* He laughed to himself. Ignoring Scully would never work. In fact, it would just make her more persistent. He knew what she had to tell him and from her demeanor, he surmised that it wasn't good news. He sighed and looked up. It was time to face the inevitable.
"No, Scully. Is something wrong?" he asked casually.
She decided to just be straight forward and say what she had to say. "Jeff is being transferred to Denver. We leave a few days after the wedding," she said in one breath. There, that wasn't so hard. But one look at Mulder made her cringe with guilt. She would never forget the look on his face as long as she lived. Feelings of hurt and pain danced in his eyes, but quickly disappeared as he built a wall to hide his emotions.
Mulder knew that one look at him would reveal how he really felt. He couldn't believe she
was leaving him. A part of him wanted her to see the pain in his eyes. Maybe she would feel
guilty about leaving and decide to stay. He knew that wasn't fair to her so he did the only thing he could do. He built a wall to hide his emotions from her. It killed him to shut her out, but he knew he had to do it. Now, what should he say? He knew she was waiting for a response, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. He grinned a tight-lipped grin and nodded. He didn't know what else to do.
The only thing worse than being shut out by him was watching him pretend to be okay. She
knew she wouldn't be able to stay in their office so she made up an excuse to leave. She
mumbled something about an autopsy and quickly walked out the room before she started to cry.
He watched her walk away, but didn't make a move to stop her. The truth was, he was glad to
see her go. He didn't want her to see him cry. His best friend, his only friend had just told him that in one week she would be gone from his life forever. It was more than he could take. He left a note on her desk saying that he had errands to run and would see her tomorrow. He grabbed his coat and quietly made his way out of the building.
He found himself in a familiar spot. Mulder sat on their bench near the Reflection Pool and watched people busily walk by. He watched as the sun started to set and suddenly found himself wishing to be dead. He was letting Scully walk away and there was nothing he could do about it. At least that's what he told himself. He could always be honest with her and tell her how he really felt. In the beginning, he tried to hate her. He convinced himself that she was a spy. As long as he believed that everything would be fine. Mulder couldn't pinpoint when it happened, but he started to trust her. Then, his trust eventually turned into love. Fearing how Scully would react to his news, he remained silent over the years. Now he was kicking himself for not telling her sooner.
Mulder wanted to believe that if he had just said he loved her everything would be okay.
Scully wouldn't get married and she wouldn't leave him. Deep down he knew why he hadn't told
her; he was afraid of rejection. Countless others had rejected him in the past, not just in
relationships, but in his professional career as well. With Scully it was different. For the first time he found someone who might not always agree with him, but she always stood by him. She never made fun of him the way others did. While he thought he could interpret her feelings for love, he realized Scully deserved better so he kept his mouth shut. He wouldn't ruin her life any more than he already had. If he could get through the next few days, he would be fine. He got up and walked over to the pool and silently wondered if he could drown himself in it. He laughed at his own thought and quickly walked back to the parking garage.
*********************
Scully's apartment
Later that week
Scully walked into her apartment and side stepped the boxes that were now overcrowding her
living room. With a few days left until the wedding, most of her stuff was already packed up and ready to be shipped to Denver. Jeff had flown up this weekend to look for a house and to get the paperwork straight. Although she was used to living alone, her apartment had never felt more empty than it did now. She sat on her couch and looked around her apartment. For the first time, Scully had time to think about how much she was going to miss it. She realized she really didn't want to leave, not her apartment or her family or her job.
Suddenly, she realized what was wrong. She did not want to leave Mulder. Telling him that
she was leaving was one of the hardest things she had to do, even harder than telling her father
she wanted to join the FBI. Scully prided herself on being an independent person, but sometime
over the past five years they had started to depend on each other. They needed each other and
now she was letting him down. Determined not to cry she reminded herself that she would be
happy with Jeff. They wouldn't have to worry about people bugging their apartment or trying to
kill them. There would be no more conspiracies to worry about. Still, Jeff was no substitute for Mulder. She wondered what Mulder would do without her and what she would do without him.
"He had his chance to change things," she said to herself. "He didn't want to and now I'm
going to move on. I have to and so does he. It's for the best."
Promising herself that she wouldn't dwell on her thoughts, Scully got up and started wading
through her things. Looking at the mess, she realized how much she still had to do before the
wedding. Scully walked into her kitchen and thought about making a cup of tea. She looked
over her to do' list which seemed to grow longer every day. Tired from the long day at work,
she put the list down and went to her bedroom. She didn't realize how tired she was as she
climbed into bed and quickly fell asleep.
******************************************************************************
I Don't Have to Wonder (4/7)
The day before the wedding
Scully showed up at the office earlier than usual. She had already turned in her transfer
papers. Now, all that she had to do was pack her things and make it through the day. Scully was surprised Mulder wasn't already there. He usually beat her to the office, but he was running late. How odd, she thought. Scully started typing some field reports that they had both neglected when Mulder walked in. She watched as he quietly opened the door and walked straight to his desk without even acknowledging her.
"Morning Mulder," Scully said, determined not to let his mood affect her.
"Morning," he mumbled.
Mulder debated whether he should have come into work today at all. He knew it was her last
day, but still couldn't accept it. Staying home and hiding wouldn't be fair to either of them and he knew it. He knew it was just as difficult for her to leave as it was for him to watch her go. The only difference, he thought, is that she gets to leave and have a normal life. I'll still be here by myself in the basement, wallowing on the fact that I could have stopped her, but didn't. He would at least try to make the day enjoyable for her sake.
He cleared his throat and asked, "Do you want some coffee?"
"Sure," she said. If he was going to pretend that everything was normal than she would do the same.
The rest of the day went on in the same way. Both avoided the fact that it was her last day. When it was time to go home, they both just sat at their desks, neither one wanting to move. Mulder made the first move, realizing they couldn't stay in the office all night. He stood up and put on his coat before looking over at her. Scully was still sitting in her chair willing herself not to fall apart.
"Well," Mulder started, but stopped when he didn't know what he should say.
Scully immediately picked up on this and smiled. "Well," she replied.
Not knowing what else to do, he walked over to her and hugged her. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said.
"Okay," she said, hoping that her voice wouldn't fail her.
"Have a nice life."
With that, he quickly walked out of the office. Scully sighed and walked over to her stuff. She reached inside her purse for her key chain and removed the office key from it. After placing it on Mulder's desk, she picked up her box and walked out.
********************
Mulder was having trouble sleeping. The conversation, or lack of, that he had with Scully
upset him. He had so many things that he wanted to tell her, but didn't. She deserved to know
the truth, whether it would change anything or not. He sat up on his couch and glance at his
clock. It wasn't that late, but he knew she would be sleeping by now. After all, he thought
bitterly, it is now officially her wedding day. If he didn't go over there and tell her what he had wanted to say in the office, he would regret it for the rest of his life. He grabbed his coat and ran out of his apartment before he had a chance to change his mind.
******************************************************************************
Laughin' and a cryin'
Tossin' that bouquet
And when you got in that limo
I drove off the other way
And I still don't know
Why things happened like they did
But I parked that old pickup
On that lonesome river bridge
********************
>>
-----------------
Forwarded Message:
Subj: heres the story there was no url the second part is in the other mail
Date: 6/23/99 8:17:07 PM !!!First Boot!!!
From: DK03Scully
To: Gillian788
Title: I Don't Have to Wonder
Author: Dana Gonzales
Rating: PG
Category: S, R
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to the man, the myth, the legend: Chris Carter and 1013
productions. Sadly, they are not mine, but if they were....Please don't sue. I'm just a poor college student.
Author Note: WARNING!! All Non-Shippers turn back now!!!! You've been warned. The song belongs to Garth Brooks (one of the greatest country singers around). I liked it so much I
decided to write a story kinda connected to it. Anyway, enjoy!
Special Thanks to Megan for giving me such wonderful encouragement with this story. Thanks again!
******************************************************************************
Drove to the church
In my suit and tie
But I just couldn't bring myself
To go inside
So I sat alone
In my truck across the street
Watched that chauffeur smokin' cigarettes
By that long white limousine
********************
I Don't Have to Wonder (1/7)
Dana Gonzales
"You're what?" Mulder asked, hoping that he heard her wrong.
"I'm getting married," Scully said in a straight voice.
*Nope, I didn't hear her wrong* he thought to himself. Mulder knew that he really shouldn't be surprised. Scully ran into Jeff O'Brien about three months ago and they hit it off immediately. They went to med. school together before Scully was recruited for the FBI. Mulder was slightly annoyed with the fact that Scully had never mentioned him before, but he didn't think it was a big deal. That was then. Now, Scully and Jeff were going to get married the following month.
"Mulder, did you hear anything I said," Scully asked as she watched her partner return from
dreamland.
"What? No, I didn't. What were you saying?" Mulder said embarrassed by the fact that she
had caught him daydreaming.
"I said that we are getting married next month and wanted to know if you'd be able to make
it?"
No, I can't make it because you're making a mistake. Don't you think you're rushing into
this? How well do you really know this guy? Mulder's head swam with thoughts he knew he
couldn't tell her so he did something he promised he'd never do: lie.
"Scully, you know I'll be there. Just let me know where and when," he said, mustering the
best grin he could.
Scully only smiled. Maybe this was going to be easier than she thought. "Thank you so much Mulder. This means a lot to me."
"Um Scully, I was wondering..." he stuttered not sure how to phrase his question.
"No, I'm not going to quit work. Not right away, anyway. Is that what you were wondering?" she asked.
"Yes. What do you mean not right away'?" he asked.
"Jeff's fellowship is up at the end of next month and he doesn't know where they'll send him. There is a chance that he'll continue working in D.C., but it's likely that he'll get sent somewhere else. We should know in two weeks."
"Oh," Mulder said. Again, he tried to act happy. "Well Scully, I hope you're happy. You
deserve to be."
Scully just smiled. God, he was making her feel so guilty. She knew he wasn't happy, but at least he was trying to pretend he was. This wasn't about him, though. This was about her and her happiness. Jeff did make her happy. She was sure that they would have a wonderful life
together, but something plagued her. She wasn't sure what it was, but she couldn't shake the
feeling.
******************************************************************************
I Don't Have to Wonder (2/7)
Two weeks later
As she promised, Scully did find out about Jeff's job. He told her over dinner the night before.
"Dana, I have some news for you," Jeff said, carefully weighing his words against her emotions.
"Oh," was all she said. She didn't even bother looking up. Well, it's now or never. He
cleared his throat and said, "I'm being transferred to Denver. They're expecting us to me to start a week after the wedding."
"Denver," Scully said, as she looked up. Jeff sat across from her nervously waiting for her response. She knew there was a chance that they were going to have to leave, but she didn't
expect it to be so far away. She wouldn't be able to see her mother, or her friends, or Mulder.
Fear crept into her mind as she thought about how she was going to tell him. He was her best
friend and she knew this was going to kill him.
"Dana?" Jeff said nervously.
Scully quickly remembered where she was and forced a smile. "I hear Colorado is a great
place to live." She didn't know what else to say. Jeff seemed so happy and she couldn't tell him that she didn't want to leave.
"So you're happy, right?"
"Yes. Yes, I am," she said with a smile.
The rest of the evening was rather boring. They discussed plans that still had to be made for the wedding, their families, and work. Jeff had only met Mulder once. But he knew how
important Dana was to him. They risk their lives for each other almost every day. She's probably the only friend he's got. Jeff worried about how he would react to the news, but remained quiet during dinner.
******************************************************************************
I could just imagine
What was goin' on in there
Sunlight streamin' through the stained glass
And those flowers in your hair
And in less time than it takes a tear to fall
Those bell ring loud as thunder
As they open up the doors
Now I don't have to wonder anymore
*********************
I Don't Have to Wonder (3/7)
One week later
The basement door opened and Scully walked to her area. The past three weeks had been
more awkward than either had expected. They just didn't know how to act around each other.
The silent communication they had carefully developed over the span of five years was quickly
deteriorating. The comfortable silence they both shared now hung over them like an
overwhelming pressure that couldn't be removed.
Scully knew she had to tell Mulder, but she didn't know what to say. If only she knew how he would react. She knew she had to tell him; she had put it off long enough. If she didn't, he would ask sooner or later. She took a deep breath and mentally prepared herself for the task at hand. She suddenly found herself wishing to be anywhere but where she was. In their work with the X Files, the agents had confronted many horrific cases. Scully decided she would rather go through the worst of them again if it would get her out of telling Mulder. She knew she had to do it though.
"Mulder, are you busy?" Scully asked quietly.
Mulder heard her, but decided to pretend he didn't. *Maybe if I ignore her, she'll go away* He laughed to himself. Ignoring Scully would never work. In fact, it would just make her more persistent. He knew what she had to tell him and from her demeanor, he surmised that it wasn't good news. He sighed and looked up. It was time to face the inevitable.
"No, Scully. Is something wrong?" he asked casually.
She decided to just be straight forward and say what she had to say. "Jeff is being transferred to Denver. We leave a few days after the wedding," she said in one breath. There, that wasn't so hard. But one look at Mulder made her cringe with guilt. She would never forget the look on his face as long as she lived. Feelings of hurt and pain danced in his eyes, but quickly disappeared as he built a wall to hide his emotions.
Mulder knew that one look at him would reveal how he really felt. He couldn't believe she
was leaving him. A part of him wanted her to see the pain in his eyes. Maybe she would feel
guilty about leaving and decide to stay. He knew that wasn't fair to her so he did the only thing he could do. He built a wall to hide his emotions from her. It killed him to shut her out, but he knew he had to do it. Now, what should he say? He knew she was waiting for a response, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. He grinned a tight-lipped grin and nodded. He didn't know what else to do.
The only thing worse than being shut out by him was watching him pretend to be okay. She
knew she wouldn't be able to stay in their office so she made up an excuse to leave. She
mumbled something about an autopsy and quickly walked out the room before she started to cry.
He watched her walk away, but didn't make a move to stop her. The truth was, he was glad to
see her go. He didn't want her to see him cry. His best friend, his only friend had just told him that in one week she would be gone from his life forever. It was more than he could take. He left a note on her desk saying that he had errands to run and would see her tomorrow. He grabbed his coat and quietly made his way out of the building.
He found himself in a familiar spot. Mulder sat on their bench near the Reflection Pool and watched people busily walk by. He watched as the sun started to set and suddenly found himself wishing to be dead. He was letting Scully walk away and there was nothing he could do about it. At least that's what he told himself. He could always be honest with her and tell her how he really felt. In the beginning, he tried to hate her. He convinced himself that she was a spy. As long as he believed that everything would be fine. Mulder couldn't pinpoint when it happened, but he started to trust her. Then, his trust eventually turned into love. Fearing how Scully would react to his news, he remained silent over the years. Now he was kicking himself for not telling her sooner.
Mulder wanted to believe that if he had just said he loved her everything would be okay.
Scully wouldn't get married and she wouldn't leave him. Deep down he knew why he hadn't told
her; he was afraid of rejection. Countless others had rejected him in the past, not just in
relationships, but in his professional career as well. With Scully it was different. For the first time he found someone who might not always agree with him, but she always stood by him. She never made fun of him the way others did. While he thought he could interpret her feelings for love, he realized Scully deserved better so he kept his mouth shut. He wouldn't ruin her life any more than he already had. If he could get through the next few days, he would be fine. He got up and walked over to the pool and silently wondered if he could drown himself in it. He laughed at his own thought and quickly walked back to the parking garage.
*********************
Scully's apartment
Later that week
Scully walked into her apartment and side stepped the boxes that were now overcrowding her
living room. With a few days left until the wedding, most of her stuff was already packed up and ready to be shipped to Denver. Jeff had flown up this weekend to look for a house and to get the paperwork straight. Although she was used to living alone, her apartment had never felt more empty than it did now. She sat on her couch and looked around her apartment. For the first time, Scully had time to think about how much she was going to miss it. She realized she really didn't want to leave, not her apartment or her family or her job.
Suddenly, she realized what was wrong. She did not want to leave Mulder. Telling him that
she was leaving was one of the hardest things she had to do, even harder than telling her father
she wanted to join the FBI. Scully prided herself on being an independent person, but sometime
over the past five years they had started to depend on each other. They needed each other and
now she was letting him down. Determined not to cry she reminded herself that she would be
happy with Jeff. They wouldn't have to worry about people bugging their apartment or trying to
kill them. There would be no more conspiracies to worry about. Still, Jeff was no substitute for Mulder. She wondered what Mulder would do without her and what she would do without him.
"He had his chance to change things," she said to herself. "He didn't want to and now I'm
going to move on. I have to and so does he. It's for the best."
Promising herself that she wouldn't dwell on her thoughts, Scully got up and started wading
through her things. Looking at the mess, she realized how much she still had to do before the
wedding. Scully walked into her kitchen and thought about making a cup of tea. She looked
over her to do' list which seemed to grow longer every day. Tired from the long day at work,
she put the list down and went to her bedroom. She didn't realize how tired she was as she
climbed into bed and quickly fell asleep.
******************************************************************************
I Don't Have to Wonder (4/7)
The day before the wedding
Scully showed up at the office earlier than usual. She had already turned in her transfer
papers. Now, all that she had to do was pack her things and make it through the day. Scully was surprised Mulder wasn't already there. He usually beat her to the office, but he was running late. How odd, she thought. Scully started typing some field reports that they had both neglected when Mulder walked in. She watched as he quietly opened the door and walked straight to his desk without even acknowledging her.
"Morning Mulder," Scully said, determined not to let his mood affect her.
"Morning," he mumbled.
Mulder debated whether he should have come into work today at all. He knew it was her last
day, but still couldn't accept it. Staying home and hiding wouldn't be fair to either of them and he knew it. He knew it was just as difficult for her to leave as it was for him to watch her go. The only difference, he thought, is that she gets to leave and have a normal life. I'll still be here by myself in the basement, wallowing on the fact that I could have stopped her, but didn't. He would at least try to make the day enjoyable for her sake.
He cleared his throat and asked, "Do you want some coffee?"
"Sure," she said. If he was going to pretend that everything was normal than she would do the same.
The rest of the day went on in the same way. Both avoided the fact that it was her last day. When it was time to go home, they both just sat at their desks, neither one wanting to move. Mulder made the first move, realizing they couldn't stay in the office all night. He stood up and put on his coat before looking over at her. Scully was still sitting in her chair willing herself not to fall apart.
"Well," Mulder started, but stopped when he didn't know what he should say.
Scully immediately picked up on this and smiled. "Well," she replied.
Not knowing what else to do, he walked over to her and hugged her. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said.
"Okay," she said, hoping that her voice wouldn't fail her.
"Have a nice life."
With that, he quickly walked out of the office. Scully sighed and walked over to her stuff. She reached inside her purse for her key chain and removed the office key from it. After placing it on Mulder's desk, she picked up her box and walked out.
********************
Mulder was having trouble sleeping. The conversation, or lack of, that he had with Scully
upset him. He had so many things that he wanted to tell her, but didn't. She deserved to know
the truth, whether it would change anything or not. He sat up on his couch and glance at his
clock. It wasn't that late, but he knew she would be sleeping by now. After all, he thought
bitterly, it is now officially her wedding day. If he didn't go over there and tell her what he had wanted to say in the office, he would regret it for the rest of his life. He grabbed his coat and ran out of his apartment before he had a chance to change his mind.
******************************************************************************
Laughin' and a cryin'
Tossin' that bouquet
And when you got in that limo
I drove off the other way
And I still don't know
Why things happened like they did
But I parked that old pickup
On that lonesome river bridge
********************
Second Part
I Don't Have to Wonder (5/7)
Scully's apartment
2:23 a.m.
Scully was just starting to fall asleep when she heard what sounded like a knock on the door. She decided to ignore it and go back to sleep. When the pounding became louder and more
insistent, she started to panic. She grabbed her robe and walked toward her door.
"I'm coming," she said, as she unlocked the door.
There stood Mulder, looking more frazzled than usual. He was still wearing his work clothes, but his hair was messed up and he looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks. She opened the door wider and motioned for him to come in. He slowly walked inside, but remained silent.
"Is everything okay Mulder?" Scully asked, taken by his silence.
"Scully, we have to talk," Mulder said quietly.
"About what? Is this about our last case because I already handed in the report to Skinner
and..." she said before he cut her off.
"No, this isn't about a case," he said and laughed nervously. "Although, I wish it were
because that would be easier to discuss."
"Mulder, I don't understand. You're acting strange, even for you," she replied with a slight smile.
*Weren't jokes his usual defense mechanism?* he thought. He willed himself to sit down and
tell her what he had to say.
"I couldn't sleep," he said honestly. "I thought about what happened in the office today and I couldn't let you leave without telling you what I really wanted to say."
"Mulder, you don't have to say anything," she said, not liking where this conversation was
going.
"But I do," he said persistently. "I haven't been completely honest with you. This is really hard for me to say so, please let me just say it and then you can say anything you want. Just promise not to interrupt."
One look at him told her how serious he really was. She nodded her head and patiently waited for him to continue. Instead of saying something, he stood up and walked over to her window. After a few minutes had passed, he sighed and started to speak.
"When I first met you five years ago, I was convinced you were sent to spy on me. They had
sent me other partners in the past who monitored my work so why should you be any different."
Scully started to say something in her defense, but remained silent as Mulder started to talk.
"I couldn't tell exactly when it happened, but I slowly realized that you were different. You weren't like the others. Scully, you listened to me rattle off my theories and never made fun of me, but you never agreed with me either. Instead, you challenged me. For the first time, someone actually challenged my theories and made me defend myself, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. Your opinions were the only ones that really mattered. Then, as time went on, I also realized that you were someone that I could trust," he said, now looking directly at her to see her reaction. When she didn't say anything, he continued. "You are the only one I could trust."
"I never understood that about you. I tried to scare you off and make you hate me, but you
stood by me. Even when I ditched you, you were still there to help me pick up the pieces. You
became my best friend, my only friend. I always had a hard time letting people get close to me,
but I let you. I swore I would never let anything bad happen to you and I would never lie to you, but I broke my promise."
"Mulder you never broke any promise," she said, sensing he was still feeling guilty about her abduction and cancer.
"Scully, please let me finish," he said. "I did break my promise. The day you told me you
were getting married I lied to you."
Scully looked at him, shocked at what she had heard. "Wha...what did you lie about," she
stuttered.
Mulder looked down at his feet and said, "I lied when I told you I was happy. When you said you were getting married and leaving me, I was devastated. I didn't want you to leave, I still don't. Today in the office, I didn't tell you all of this because I didn't think you would want to hear it. You deserve to be happy, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell you. I was tempted to call in sick from work so I wouldn't have to see you. That way, I could kid myself and say I would see you at work the next day, but I owe you more than that. I also owe you more than what I said in the office. No matter what you think, I'm glad you were assigned to the X Files.... and to me. God knows I would probably be dead right now if you hadn't come along."
Mulder looked over at Scully and saw she was crying. Maybe he had said too much? He took
a breath and decided to say what he came to say.
"Somehow, you went from being a spy to being my best friend and more. And I realized
something today. I finally understood why I was so upset that you were leaving. It wasn't only
because I was losing my best friend, it was because I was losing someone I lo...."
"Stop," Scully said. "Just stop."
Mulder was shocked by the harshness of her voice. He didn't expect her to react like this. He watched as she jumped up from her seat and began pacing her living room.
"I don't want you to say anymore. Regardless of what you say, I'm getting married
tomorrow. Who do you think you are?" she yelled. "Did you think you could just come over and
tell me how much I mean to you and everything would be fine? What did you think I would say
Mulder?"
"I don't know," he answered quietly.
"You don't know. Well, I'll tell you. You had your chance. I spent five years of my life with you and suddenly, you finally discover how you feel about me the day before my wedding?!? Too bad! I'm still getting married tomorrow and I'm still moving to Colorado," she said and paused for a moment to decide what to say next. "I can't say that I won't miss you because you are my best friend and I will miss you. No matter what you think, you do mean a lot to me, but so does Jeff. I think you should leave now," she said, finally calming down.
He stood up and walked to the door, but paused before he opened it. He turned around to
look at her, knowing he would never see her again.
"Before I go, I want you to tell me something," he said.
With a sigh, she said, "What?"
"Do you love him? If you really love him, then I'll leave. But if you're not sure, please don't go through with the wedding," he said earnestly.
She didn't know what to say. Up until he asked that, she was sure she loved Jeff. Now, she was having doubts. She wouldn't let him know, though. He had his chance and he missed it, she thought to herself. Let him go.
"I'll see you at the wedding tomorrow," she said, avoiding answering a question she had no
idea how to answer.
"I guess that answered my question, huh? Goodbye, Scully."
He opened the door and walked out. Scully sat on her sofa for what seemed to be an eternity. She thought about everything he had just said and she started to cry again. She realized how cold she was to him, but she had to be.
"Why was he going to say he loved me?" she said to an empty apartment. "Did he think it
would make me stay? Did he think I would say I love him and I wouldn't get married?"
She knew that's exactly what would have happened. She would have said she loved him and
she would have stayed and she would have called off the wedding. That's why she hadn't let him
finish what he was saying. She would have lost it for sure. She walked to her window and made
sure he was gone before walking back to her bedroom. She turned to look at the door where he
had stood only moments ago. "Goodbye Fox," she whispered softly so only the shadows that
played across her living room floor could hear.
******************************************************************************
I took your ring from my pocket
And held it one last time
Watched that diamond sparkle
I drew back and I let her fly
And in less time than it takes a tear to fall
Oh that old ring went under
And now it's gone for sure
And I don't have to wonder anymore
******************************************************************************
I Don't Have to Wonder (6/7)
Day of the wedding
As promised, Mulder arrived at the church half an hour before the wedding began. The
anxiety he was feeling escalated to a new level once he parked his car. Instead of going inside, he sat in his car thinking about how everything would change in a matter of hours. She would no longer be his Scully. The Scully he knew would die today and leave him forever. This was something he hadn't prepared himself for. Never in the five years they had known each other did he consider the fact that she would leave him to get married. He always thought she had been happy with her job and with him. Painfully, he realized how much could change in five years.
His thoughts crept back to the night before. Telling Scully he loved her seemed like a good idea at the time. He didn't expect her to be so angry with his confession. Never before had she yelled at him like she did last night. She was being completely irrational as far as he was concerned, not even letting him finish saying what he had to say. After her harsh words, it was possible that she didn't want him to show up. He would have gladly stayed home, but she had
asked him again to come to the wedding and once again he said yes. Realizing what time it was,
Mulder got out of his car and started to make his way toward the church. He watched as the
other guests, mostly Jeff's friends, hurried into the church trying to find their seats. As he walked into the now crowded church, he noticed the decorations for the first time. The church itself was full of flowers and looked perfect. Exactly what Scully deserves, he thought bitterly. Mulder suddenly felt foolish for showing up. Promise or no promise, he couldn't watch as Scully got married. He wanted to stop her from getting married, but he couldn't. He would never forgive himself for ruining her happiness. Looking around one last time, he quietly slipped out the doors unnoticed. Once outside, he slowly led himself back to his car. Getting out of the church made him feel better, but nothing could stop his heart from aching. He unlocked the car door and climbed inside. He didn't drive off right away; he just sat there trying to decide where he could go.
********************
Scully paced nervously around the room. Everything was going as planned and the wedding
would start in a little while. Memories of her conversation with Mulder found their way back into her mind. She laughed nervously as she realized the memories had never left. In fact, Scully hadn't slept at all that night. Mulder loved her! At least, she thought he did; she never let him finish the sentence. She cried after she was sure he had left. It couldn't have been easy for him to finally be able to say those words to her and in return for his honesty, she was cold and spiteful. It wasn't because she didn't love him; it would be easier for her if she never had feelings for him. She was angry at herself for never admitting her feelings to him and she was angry at him for waiting so long to tell her how he felt. If she would have known, she wouldn't have agreed to marry Jeff and she wouldn't have to leave everyone that she cared about.
Suddenly, she realized she had to choose. It wouldn't be fair to marry Jeff is she didn't love him. Mulder's question played over and over in her mind. Do you love him? Why didn't she
answer him last night? It was a very simple question that deserved a simple answer. For three
months, she had been sure she loved him. Now, Mulder had her questioning her true feelings the
day of her wedding. She couldn't bring herself to admit or deny her feelings for Jeff or Mulder. The only thing she was sure of was how important Mulder was to her. The thought of being separated from him scared her more than she cared to admit. She had to decide what she was going to do and fast.
A knock on the door brought her back to the present.
"Dana, it's time to start. Are you ready?" Jeff asked, not trying to hide his enthusiasm.
Scully knew she had to decide now before it was too late. "Jeff, can you come in?" she said trying to keep her voice steady.
"Don't you know it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding?" he joked.
"I know, but we need to talk," she answered.
"Dana, can't this wait until after the wedding? Everyone's waiting for us," he said.
"Jeff, we really need to talk and no, it can't wait," she replied as the tears started to fall.
Realizing that she was upset, he quickly entered the room and shut the door behind him.
******************************************************************************
Well the angels sang like thunder
As I felt myself go under
Now I don't have to wonder anymore
********************
I Don't Have to Wonder (7/7)
Mulder left the church and drove around for a while trying to clear his head. He noticed it had gotten very dark so he decided it was time to go home. He turned his car around and headed home. As he reached his building, he noticed a light coming from his living room. Thinking about past break-ins, he ran up to his apartment. Once he got there, he noticed there was no sign of forced entry. *Maybe I left the light on* he thought as he slipped the key into the lock and walked in. What he saw shocked him. Sleeping peacefully on his sofa was Dana Scully. Mulder quietly closed the door and took off his coat, trying not to wake her up. When he turned back to look at her, he saw she was awake.
"Hey," he said in a whisper.
She smiled at him and said, "hi."
"What are you doing here Scully? Shouldn't you be on your honeymoon by now?" he asked.
"Yeah, I should. Mulder, why didn't you show up today? You promised you would, but I
didn't see you," she said, not hiding her disappointment.
He cleared his throat and walked over to where she was sitting. Mulder sat on the sofa and
sighed. "I figured I was the last person you wanted to see after everything that was said last
night. I know I said I would be there, but I thought it would be better if I didn't show up. To tell you the truth, I didn't think you would notice," he replied, sadly.
"I did notice and despite everything that was said, I did want you there," Scully said just above a whisper.
"Why?" he asked.
She thought for a minute and looked up at him. "Because I knew you would stop me if you
thought I was making a mistake," she said in a steady voice.
"I would have stopped you, you know," Mulder said painfully. "I couldn't stay because I
knew I would stop you. Scully, you seemed so happy with Jeff and I wouldn't forgive myself for
making you unhappy. I did what I thought I had to do," he said, trying to control his shaky voice.
She smiled and said, "Everything was so perfect today. It was just how I imagined my
wedding to be: a beautifully decorated church filled with my family and friends, a gorgeous
wedding dress, and my Prince Charming. Then my rational side kicked in and I realized nothing
can be perfect. It seemed like something was missing, but I didn't know what. I finally figured it out when Jeff knocked on the door and said it was time to start. Do you know what was
missing Mulder?"
Mulder sat there for a while trying to think of something to say. He finally shook his head and waited for Scully to tell him.
"You."
"Me?" Mulder said in disbelief.
"I realized I'd forgotten how much I need you. When Jeff knocked on the door, I knew I had
to make a decision then. He came in and we talked for a while. I explained to him that I didn't
want to leave everyone or my job. He laughed and said we could visit as often as I wanted, but I
still couldn't marry him. I didn't want to leave you, I couldn't. I love you too much to leave you so I told Jeff I couldn't marry him. He took it very well. Hell, he almost seemed relieved that I realized it then instead of after the wedding," she said with a laugh.
When he didn't say anything, Scully got nervous. Maybe this time she was too late. "Mulder, say something. Anything. Yell at me if you want to, but don't shut me out," she pleaded with him.
"I don't know what to say," he answered. "I still think this is just a dream and I'll wake up and realize that you're gone."
"Mulder," she laughed, "I can assure you that I am really here. As weird as it sounds, I really am here."
"Thank you," he said quietly.
"For what?" she whispered back.
"For loving me," he said as he took hold of her hand. "I never thought I would need someone
as much as I need you. My feelings were so strong it scared me, but I doubted that you felt the
same way. I never knew what was going on inside your head. Then, I decided to tell you
everything and I was sure you hated me."
"I didn't hate you. Granted, I wished you would have given me a little more notice, but I
never hated you," Scully said with a giggle.
They sat there on Mulder's sofa staring at each other, letting there eyes express what words
couldn't. For the first time, Mulder honestly looked happy. He knew they still had things to talk about and work out, but nothing mattered to him anymore. Scully actually loved him. He fought to suppress a laugh.
Noticing Mulder's expression, Scully gave him a quizzical glance and waited for him to explain the ridiculous look on his face.
"I was just thinking," Mulder began, "about all the times I stayed awake at night wondering
how you would react when I finally told you. I created this perfect scenario in my mind, but this beats all of them."
"I bet it does," Scully said. "What happened?"
"Well, first of all, I didn't expect to wait till your wedding day to tell you," he said with a laugh. "And we never had that fight. I told you that I loved you and you allowed yourself to cry for the third time in front of me. then, you said that you loved me too."
Scully grinned mischievously and said, "Well, it's not my wedding day any more and we can
pretend that the fight never happened."
Catching on quickly, Mulder smiled and said, "Dana, I've been meaning to tell you something
for a long time, but I didn't know how you would react. I love you; I've loved from the first time I saw you and I was wondering if you felt the same way."
Scully looked at Mulder with tears in her eyes and grinned. She leaned closer to him and
gently kissed him. She pulled back as Mulder waited to see what she was up to. She whispered
softly in his ear, "I guess you don't have to wonder anymore."
Not hiding his happiness, Mulder laughed and said, "No I don't."
*************************************************************************************************
I don't want to beg, but please send feedback. Please :-) does that constitute as begging? Send all comments, flames, etc. to dana_mulder42@hotmail.com. I promise to respond to everything sent.
>>
-----------------
Forwarded Message:
Subj: second part
Date: 6/23/99 8:17:46 PM !!!First Boot!!!
From: DK03Scully
To: Gillian788
I Don't Have to Wonder (5/7)
Scully's apartment
2:23 a.m.
Scully was just starting to fall asleep when she heard what sounded like a knock on the door. She decided to ignore it and go back to sleep. When the pounding became louder and more
insistent, she started to panic. She grabbed her robe and walked toward her door.
"I'm coming," she said, as she unlocked the door.
There stood Mulder, looking more frazzled than usual. He was still wearing his work clothes, but his hair was messed up and he looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks. She opened the door wider and motioned for him to come in. He slowly walked inside, but remained silent.
"Is everything okay Mulder?" Scully asked, taken by his silence.
"Scully, we have to talk," Mulder said quietly.
"About what? Is this about our last case because I already handed in the report to Skinner
and..." she said before he cut her off.
"No, this isn't about a case," he said and laughed nervously. "Although, I wish it were
because that would be easier to discuss."
"Mulder, I don't understand. You're acting strange, even for you," she replied with a slight smile.
*Weren't jokes his usual defense mechanism?* he thought. He willed himself to sit down and
tell her what he had to say.
"I couldn't sleep," he said honestly. "I thought about what happened in the office today and I couldn't let you leave without telling you what I really wanted to say."
"Mulder, you don't have to say anything," she said, not liking where this conversation was
going.
"But I do," he said persistently. "I haven't been completely honest with you. This is really hard for me to say so, please let me just say it and then you can say anything you want. Just promise not to interrupt."
One look at him told her how serious he really was. She nodded her head and patiently waited for him to continue. Instead of saying something, he stood up and walked over to her window. After a few minutes had passed, he sighed and started to speak.
"When I first met you five years ago, I was convinced you were sent to spy on me. They had
sent me other partners in the past who monitored my work so why should you be any different."
Scully started to say something in her defense, but remained silent as Mulder started to talk.
"I couldn't tell exactly when it happened, but I slowly realized that you were different. You weren't like the others. Scully, you listened to me rattle off my theories and never made fun of me, but you never agreed with me either. Instead, you challenged me. For the first time, someone actually challenged my theories and made me defend myself, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. Your opinions were the only ones that really mattered. Then, as time went on, I also realized that you were someone that I could trust," he said, now looking directly at her to see her reaction. When she didn't say anything, he continued. "You are the only one I could trust."
"I never understood that about you. I tried to scare you off and make you hate me, but you
stood by me. Even when I ditched you, you were still there to help me pick up the pieces. You
became my best friend, my only friend. I always had a hard time letting people get close to me,
but I let you. I swore I would never let anything bad happen to you and I would never lie to you, but I broke my promise."
"Mulder you never broke any promise," she said, sensing he was still feeling guilty about her abduction and cancer.
"Scully, please let me finish," he said. "I did break my promise. The day you told me you
were getting married I lied to you."
Scully looked at him, shocked at what she had heard. "Wha...what did you lie about," she
stuttered.
Mulder looked down at his feet and said, "I lied when I told you I was happy. When you said you were getting married and leaving me, I was devastated. I didn't want you to leave, I still don't. Today in the office, I didn't tell you all of this because I didn't think you would want to hear it. You deserve to be happy, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell you. I was tempted to call in sick from work so I wouldn't have to see you. That way, I could kid myself and say I would see you at work the next day, but I owe you more than that. I also owe you more than what I said in the office. No matter what you think, I'm glad you were assigned to the X Files.... and to me. God knows I would probably be dead right now if you hadn't come along."
Mulder looked over at Scully and saw she was crying. Maybe he had said too much? He took
a breath and decided to say what he came to say.
"Somehow, you went from being a spy to being my best friend and more. And I realized
something today. I finally understood why I was so upset that you were leaving. It wasn't only
because I was losing my best friend, it was because I was losing someone I lo...."
"Stop," Scully said. "Just stop."
Mulder was shocked by the harshness of her voice. He didn't expect her to react like this. He watched as she jumped up from her seat and began pacing her living room.
"I don't want you to say anymore. Regardless of what you say, I'm getting married
tomorrow. Who do you think you are?" she yelled. "Did you think you could just come over and
tell me how much I mean to you and everything would be fine? What did you think I would say
Mulder?"
"I don't know," he answered quietly.
"You don't know. Well, I'll tell you. You had your chance. I spent five years of my life with you and suddenly, you finally discover how you feel about me the day before my wedding?!? Too bad! I'm still getting married tomorrow and I'm still moving to Colorado," she said and paused for a moment to decide what to say next. "I can't say that I won't miss you because you are my best friend and I will miss you. No matter what you think, you do mean a lot to me, but so does Jeff. I think you should leave now," she said, finally calming down.
He stood up and walked to the door, but paused before he opened it. He turned around to
look at her, knowing he would never see her again.
"Before I go, I want you to tell me something," he said.
With a sigh, she said, "What?"
"Do you love him? If you really love him, then I'll leave. But if you're not sure, please don't go through with the wedding," he said earnestly.
She didn't know what to say. Up until he asked that, she was sure she loved Jeff. Now, she was having doubts. She wouldn't let him know, though. He had his chance and he missed it, she thought to herself. Let him go.
"I'll see you at the wedding tomorrow," she said, avoiding answering a question she had no
idea how to answer.
"I guess that answered my question, huh? Goodbye, Scully."
He opened the door and walked out. Scully sat on her sofa for what seemed to be an eternity. She thought about everything he had just said and she started to cry again. She realized how cold she was to him, but she had to be.
"Why was he going to say he loved me?" she said to an empty apartment. "Did he think it
would make me stay? Did he think I would say I love him and I wouldn't get married?"
She knew that's exactly what would have happened. She would have said she loved him and
she would have stayed and she would have called off the wedding. That's why she hadn't let him
finish what he was saying. She would have lost it for sure. She walked to her window and made
sure he was gone before walking back to her bedroom. She turned to look at the door where he
had stood only moments ago. "Goodbye Fox," she whispered softly so only the shadows that
played across her living room floor could hear.
******************************************************************************
I took your ring from my pocket
And held it one last time
Watched that diamond sparkle
I drew back and I let her fly
And in less time than it takes a tear to fall
Oh that old ring went under
And now it's gone for sure
And I don't have to wonder anymore
******************************************************************************
I Don't Have to Wonder (6/7)
Day of the wedding
As promised, Mulder arrived at the church half an hour before the wedding began. The
anxiety he was feeling escalated to a new level once he parked his car. Instead of going inside, he sat in his car thinking about how everything would change in a matter of hours. She would no longer be his Scully. The Scully he knew would die today and leave him forever. This was something he hadn't prepared himself for. Never in the five years they had known each other did he consider the fact that she would leave him to get married. He always thought she had been happy with her job and with him. Painfully, he realized how much could change in five years.
His thoughts crept back to the night before. Telling Scully he loved her seemed like a good idea at the time. He didn't expect her to be so angry with his confession. Never before had she yelled at him like she did last night. She was being completely irrational as far as he was concerned, not even letting him finish saying what he had to say. After her harsh words, it was possible that she didn't want him to show up. He would have gladly stayed home, but she had
asked him again to come to the wedding and once again he said yes. Realizing what time it was,
Mulder got out of his car and started to make his way toward the church. He watched as the
other guests, mostly Jeff's friends, hurried into the church trying to find their seats. As he walked into the now crowded church, he noticed the decorations for the first time. The church itself was full of flowers and looked perfect. Exactly what Scully deserves, he thought bitterly. Mulder suddenly felt foolish for showing up. Promise or no promise, he couldn't watch as Scully got married. He wanted to stop her from getting married, but he couldn't. He would never forgive himself for ruining her happiness. Looking around one last time, he quietly slipped out the doors unnoticed. Once outside, he slowly led himself back to his car. Getting out of the church made him feel better, but nothing could stop his heart from aching. He unlocked the car door and climbed inside. He didn't drive off right away; he just sat there trying to decide where he could go.
********************
Scully paced nervously around the room. Everything was going as planned and the wedding
would start in a little while. Memories of her conversation with Mulder found their way back into her mind. She laughed nervously as she realized the memories had never left. In fact, Scully hadn't slept at all that night. Mulder loved her! At least, she thought he did; she never let him finish the sentence. She cried after she was sure he had left. It couldn't have been easy for him to finally be able to say those words to her and in return for his honesty, she was cold and spiteful. It wasn't because she didn't love him; it would be easier for her if she never had feelings for him. She was angry at herself for never admitting her feelings to him and she was angry at him for waiting so long to tell her how he felt. If she would have known, she wouldn't have agreed to marry Jeff and she wouldn't have to leave everyone that she cared about.
Suddenly, she realized she had to choose. It wouldn't be fair to marry Jeff is she didn't love him. Mulder's question played over and over in her mind. Do you love him? Why didn't she
answer him last night? It was a very simple question that deserved a simple answer. For three
months, she had been sure she loved him. Now, Mulder had her questioning her true feelings the
day of her wedding. She couldn't bring herself to admit or deny her feelings for Jeff or Mulder. The only thing she was sure of was how important Mulder was to her. The thought of being separated from him scared her more than she cared to admit. She had to decide what she was going to do and fast.
A knock on the door brought her back to the present.
"Dana, it's time to start. Are you ready?" Jeff asked, not trying to hide his enthusiasm.
Scully knew she had to decide now before it was too late. "Jeff, can you come in?" she said trying to keep her voice steady.
"Don't you know it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding?" he joked.
"I know, but we need to talk," she answered.
"Dana, can't this wait until after the wedding? Everyone's waiting for us," he said.
"Jeff, we really need to talk and no, it can't wait," she replied as the tears started to fall.
Realizing that she was upset, he quickly entered the room and shut the door behind him.
******************************************************************************
Well the angels sang like thunder
As I felt myself go under
Now I don't have to wonder anymore
********************
I Don't Have to Wonder (7/7)
Mulder left the church and drove around for a while trying to clear his head. He noticed it had gotten very dark so he decided it was time to go home. He turned his car around and headed home. As he reached his building, he noticed a light coming from his living room. Thinking about past break-ins, he ran up to his apartment. Once he got there, he noticed there was no sign of forced entry. *Maybe I left the light on* he thought as he slipped the key into the lock and walked in. What he saw shocked him. Sleeping peacefully on his sofa was Dana Scully. Mulder quietly closed the door and took off his coat, trying not to wake her up. When he turned back to look at her, he saw she was awake.
"Hey," he said in a whisper.
She smiled at him and said, "hi."
"What are you doing here Scully? Shouldn't you be on your honeymoon by now?" he asked.
"Yeah, I should. Mulder, why didn't you show up today? You promised you would, but I
didn't see you," she said, not hiding her disappointment.
He cleared his throat and walked over to where she was sitting. Mulder sat on the sofa and
sighed. "I figured I was the last person you wanted to see after everything that was said last
night. I know I said I would be there, but I thought it would be better if I didn't show up. To tell you the truth, I didn't think you would notice," he replied, sadly.
"I did notice and despite everything that was said, I did want you there," Scully said just above a whisper.
"Why?" he asked.
She thought for a minute and looked up at him. "Because I knew you would stop me if you
thought I was making a mistake," she said in a steady voice.
"I would have stopped you, you know," Mulder said painfully. "I couldn't stay because I
knew I would stop you. Scully, you seemed so happy with Jeff and I wouldn't forgive myself for
making you unhappy. I did what I thought I had to do," he said, trying to control his shaky voice.
She smiled and said, "Everything was so perfect today. It was just how I imagined my
wedding to be: a beautifully decorated church filled with my family and friends, a gorgeous
wedding dress, and my Prince Charming. Then my rational side kicked in and I realized nothing
can be perfect. It seemed like something was missing, but I didn't know what. I finally figured it out when Jeff knocked on the door and said it was time to start. Do you know what was
missing Mulder?"
Mulder sat there for a while trying to think of something to say. He finally shook his head and waited for Scully to tell him.
"You."
"Me?" Mulder said in disbelief.
"I realized I'd forgotten how much I need you. When Jeff knocked on the door, I knew I had
to make a decision then. He came in and we talked for a while. I explained to him that I didn't
want to leave everyone or my job. He laughed and said we could visit as often as I wanted, but I
still couldn't marry him. I didn't want to leave you, I couldn't. I love you too much to leave you so I told Jeff I couldn't marry him. He took it very well. Hell, he almost seemed relieved that I realized it then instead of after the wedding," she said with a laugh.
When he didn't say anything, Scully got nervous. Maybe this time she was too late. "Mulder, say something. Anything. Yell at me if you want to, but don't shut me out," she pleaded with him.
"I don't know what to say," he answered. "I still think this is just a dream and I'll wake up and realize that you're gone."
"Mulder," she laughed, "I can assure you that I am really here. As weird as it sounds, I really am here."
"Thank you," he said quietly.
"For what?" she whispered back.
"For loving me," he said as he took hold of her hand. "I never thought I would need someone
as much as I need you. My feelings were so strong it scared me, but I doubted that you felt the
same way. I never knew what was going on inside your head. Then, I decided to tell you
everything and I was sure you hated me."
"I didn't hate you. Granted, I wished you would have given me a little more notice, but I
never hated you," Scully said with a giggle.
They sat there on Mulder's sofa staring at each other, letting there eyes express what words
couldn't. For the first time, Mulder honestly looked happy. He knew they still had things to talk about and work out, but nothing mattered to him anymore. Scully actually loved him. He fought to suppress a laugh.
Noticing Mulder's expression, Scully gave him a quizzical glance and waited for him to explain the ridiculous look on his face.
"I was just thinking," Mulder began, "about all the times I stayed awake at night wondering
how you would react when I finally told you. I created this perfect scenario in my mind, but this beats all of them."
"I bet it does," Scully said. "What happened?"
"Well, first of all, I didn't expect to wait till your wedding day to tell you," he said with a laugh. "And we never had that fight. I told you that I loved you and you allowed yourself to cry for the third time in front of me. then, you said that you loved me too."
Scully grinned mischievously and said, "Well, it's not my wedding day any more and we can
pretend that the fight never happened."
Catching on quickly, Mulder smiled and said, "Dana, I've been meaning to tell you something
for a long time, but I didn't know how you would react. I love you; I've loved from the first time I saw you and I was wondering if you felt the same way."
Scully looked at Mulder with tears in her eyes and grinned. She leaned closer to him and
gently kissed him. She pulled back as Mulder waited to see what she was up to. She whispered
softly in his ear, "I guess you don't have to wonder anymore."
Not hiding his happiness, Mulder laughed and said, "No I don't."
*************************************************************************************************
I don't want to beg, but please send feedback. Please :-) does that constitute as begging? Send all comments, flames, etc. to dana_mulder42@hotmail.com. I promise to respond to everything sent.