Quotations (W.C. Fields)

W.C. Fields(William Claude Dukenfield 1888-1946)

  And it ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

  I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

  Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

  Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

  I came from a very illustrious family. My great grandfather was a friend of Benjamin Franklin. He would have discovered electricity but he was too poor to afford a kite. He would have to go out and hire one. I have a picture of him standing in front of the local tavern. He was hiring a kite.

  There we were....surrounded by Indians. Shoshones, I believe they were. I whipped out my Bowie knife and whittled my way through a wall of human flesh..........while dragging my canoe behind.

  One day I stumbled across a case of bourbon..........and kept stumbling for several days thereafter.

  If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damned fool about it.

  Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

  I like children. If they're properly cooked.

  What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

  Never give a sucker an even break.

  The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

  A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

  ...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

  There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

  My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

  Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad.

  A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

  'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

  Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.

  Don't worry about your heart; it will last as long as you live.

  Who stole the cork from my breakfast?

  There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

  My boy, when I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.

  Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

  Marriage is better than leprosy, because it's easier to get rid of.

  Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

  I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

  Marry an outdoorswoman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

  No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

  Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

  Now don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

  Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

  Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

  Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

  It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

  Say anything that you like about me, exept that I drink water.

  Water, Fields said, "rusts pipes.

  Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

  Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.

  Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it--but you can die having it.

  Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink.

  I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

  I had this Melanesian belle, a comely looking lass, and I was headed for the shrubbery, which grows very lush in those parts. Well, her husband was following behind holding a forefinger up in the air and crying, 'One dollah, one dollah!

  I never drank anything stronger than beer, before I was twelve.

  I take inordinate pride in my nose. Indeed, I have treatment done on it every day. (At this point, Fields is handed a glass and lifts it). My daily treatment.

  I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

  The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

  California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

  (with a hangover) The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache...

  I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

  Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

  The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

  Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

  I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

  I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

  To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

  Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

  I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, un-upholstered pew.

  If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

  It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

  I feel like a midget with muddy feet have been walking over my tongue all night.

  I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

  A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

  Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.

  Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

  By god, I was born lonely!

  In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

  Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

  I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

  I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

  (Fields' proposed epitaph:) "All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."