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Welcome to your Medicine On Line Cancer Forum and Album! featuring: Expected vs. Sudden? |
O.K. all this discussion leads me to a question you
experienced people might be able to answer.
How or When do you ask your loved one if they know they are only here for a limited time.
Would
it be totally wrong to even think of asking that question? Some days I feel if we
were able to clear that
hurdle our time together would be more important. Other days, I think the pain in
that question would
be too much for anyone else to take. It's really bothering me. I realize we
all have different needs during
this process, and I don't want to assume anyone would agree with me. Just some
insight please. Maureen
Maureen, I am glad to hear that I am not the only one in the family wondering about that! I have often wondered how and when we will be able to get mom to come to terms with this unfair and untimely death sentence. I have for myself (through the wonderful input I recieved here in the group) decided to not make it my role at least at the time. She wants us all enlisted on her side, the fighting side at least for now. I don't know if she will ever voice her fears about dying, but she must know somewhere deep down. I have sensed it a couple times, especially when she became so angry when a friend of the family was sounding morbid to her. Let's just make the most of our time with her and not be afraid to be as intimate as we want (for fear of her sensing that we feel we are losing her). Cover all issues that are important between us and make sure we express how important she has been to us all along. She is such an incredible person and we are blessed to have her in our lives. I think when the time comes that someone must tell her not to be afraid to die, if it becomes necessary we will know. Did I make any sense at all? I just read that over and it is so scrambled! You are older and wiser and you have known her for longer than I have, maybe your insight will be better. I would like to hear what you have come up with as this develops. For now, I believe, she is fighting tooth and nail and we must not discourage her. As for the sudden vs expected death thing, I am grateful that God did not take her that fateful day after her first craniotomy at St. Johns. I thought it was the end when that angry tumor syndrome set in. I have never wanted more than that day to yell, "No, not yet! It is not time!". I still would like to yell that out, but it would have been so hard to have her swiped from our arms that day. I have had so many beautiful moments withher since. At the same time, I don't want to see her suffer. Well, I guess I am back at "I don't know". Lisa
Maureen,
That is a good question. I guess it would depend on how much trust and openess in the relationship. I have always been myself w/ Mom and have asked her probably very dumb questions that later I have had to go back and tell her that I was sorry if it sounded insensitive. The thing is that she knows me and knows my heart and if the question is posed in an honest and loving manner, I can't imagine it being a bad thing. My honest opinion is that people know they are dying even if they don't inform you or act like it. Sometimes they put on an act because that is what others come to expect, you know? I don't know the right path for any situation but my own but I do know that honesty in a life & death type situation can only help keep the relationship REAL and not on the surface. I think because my Mom can talk about death with me and she still pretends w/ her friends that she is still fighting and doesn't know what is going on. With me, she can really share fears and questions and we don't have to have an answer. Just to be able to put a voice to some uncertain feelings helps. I hope I made some sense. I do understand you not wanting to sound like you have given up. Go with your heart and don't be afraid of sounding stupid, nothing you will say about it will be anything they probably already hadn't thought of. Regards, Dusti
That is really a tough question. In my situation my mother told me she was tired and wanted to go to her maker. She had everything arranged, all her wishes in writing. She had a box in a drawer and it was written on top "DO NOT OPEN". Well, we all know what that means! Of course I opened it and here was this beautiful pure silk slip, chemise; etc. from a store she had owned many moons ago. I found another note and it said " THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO BE BURIED IN DO NOT FEEL BAD BECAUSE I DON'T" Guess what? I never opened another thing that said "DO NOT OPEN"!!!! The point being that she did everything the way she wanted and at the same time made it easier on me as I fulfilled her wishes.
I believe for the most part the patient will express what is on their mind at some point, in their own time; but then no doubt there are some who don't. I will pray that you make the right decision for you and your mother. Warmly, your friend, lillian
That is such a difficult situation, Maureen. It seems like the only way
you could handle it would to ask her, while you are having a
conversation, if she feels like she has gone forward this week in how
she feels or if she feels she has gone backward. I think you have to
make openings like that in your conversations with her so she can, if
she chooses. tell you if she knows how bad she is
She may be very grateful that you are not coming right out with the
truth. She may not be ready to hear herself say it.
All this is of course just my thoughts from my experiences. If it
helps a little I'm happy. If not I'm sorry. But please know you both
are in my prayers many times a day. Charlotte
I agree with Dusti. My Dad died suddenly of a heart attack and my mom died
this past March after suffering with cancer less than 1 year. Both deaths
affected me deeply but differently. I agree it does sound selfish but I
never got to make peace with or finalize life with my Dad. I did with my
mom and even though what she went through was horrible I don't think if she
had to go through it again, she would have changed anything. It's sad but
as Dusti said, 'being creatures of nature..." you don't always tell someone
how you truly feel until something bad happens. My mom and I finalized our
life together and it has made my going on not easy but easier knowing there
was nothing left unsaid. I just felt I needed to jump in here too.
Warmly, Joy
This discussion has valuable points on both sides, no matter how we look at it, for those left behind it is a no win situation. One has to console themselves as best as possible, for survival. Hopefully through the expierence we have learned the valuable lessons and will go on to help other's crossing the bridge. Warmly, Lillian
Dear Lisa: We are all so very very different in the way we handle ourselves physically and emotionally when we are faced with loosing a loved one. My mother and I were very close, to me she was the most perfect human being on earth. If you recall one of my latest e-mails, I mentioned that she prepared me for her death. She made it so that I would know what she wanted, do what she wanted and always be able to carry that in my heart. This is not to say that my heart was not broken. I would talk to her, ask her advise and sometimes I would cry for her to come back to me. Till this very day, I miss her, I can still see how she would lean forward on the couch with her fingers locked together laughing at a T.V. show.
Now, let me tell you a short story. The first time I was faced with cancer, I had shut my husband out. I did not share my feelings of fear with him or anyone for that matter. The next thing I knew, he packed me in the car and we went to a counselor. It was the best thing we ever did. When confronted (each of us), he was as afraid as I was. When this was released he became my number one joy and comfort. The second time I had cancer and had very serious complications, we both knew we would be open with each other and he was the best at taking care of me. In the midst of tragedy we find our rocks. Are you being fair to your husband by denying him and employing his help? I know I wasn't being fair to my husband. If we think they are not already worried, we have another thought Lisa. He is not going to send you to the ha ha house friend, he will be your rock if given the oppertunity.
I am very sorry that anyone must go through all of this; but I promise you : You will end up being a better person. The picture of life will be clearer and many lessons learned on this journey have a beauty all to their own. Be kind to yourself dear one. Your friend, lillian
I, too, found that Lillian's email captured the essence of my own emotional roller coaster. I am 37 years old, and have been through the deaths of my father (from cancer) and a fiance'. My father went through ten months of pure hell, quite frankly, and the pain, desperation, and helplessness that Mom and I felt as his caregivers was with us every single day, every hour of the day. Despite all of the unpleasantness, we as a family had the opportunity to share many things that we would not have otherwise. We all showed our emotion freely... and we able to gain strength from one another in the process. I found that if I didn't over analyze what was going on.... what was happening, what scenerios could possible happen with Dad, WHEN it would happen, etc. (those dark clouds of the unknown that have a tendancy to follow many of us in these circumstances), I freed myself to appreciate and fully participate in every moment.
Mom and I learned so much through the experience with Dad, and now as Mom faces cancer and its poor prognosis, we find ourselves using this knowledge and building on it. Sharing is the operative word in this entire experience....share with the beloved patient and those that are close and dear in your life. We will get through this, and although the outcome may not be what we desire, with faith in God we know that there will be better days.
There is much wisdom in the phrase "Take one day at a time". It certainly helps to preserve one's sanity (figuratively, not literally), as we has humans have little to no control as to when we are called home. And know that there are many people in your life who love and care for you....the rocks of life without which we would have nothing to build a future with. Love, Jeanne
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