Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 99’: if I could offer you one tip for the future, it would be: get sunburned. The long-term effects have been proven by scientists to cause pre-mature aging, swollen feet, and melanoma. But, what the h*ll, you have to die of something. You’ll have a healthy glow, and you’ll look good for a least one summer, anyway. The rest of this is philosophical nonsense that I will attempt to regurgitate at this time.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your baby-sitter. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your baby-sitter until you are too old to enjoy them —legally.
Take nude photos of yourself. Trust me. In thirty years, that is the only way you will still be able to see your feet. You are every bit as fat as you imagine.
Worry about your future, especially if it doesn’t looks like your going to have one. It won't change the outcome, but will create deep, cavernous wrinkles along the forehead area.
Do something everyday that scares the living h*ll out of you—look in the mirror.
Don’t be reckless with other people hearts. Who knows? You may one day need theirs for a transplant someday.
Belch, just belch.
Don’t waste your time on Jeopardy. Jerry Springer is much more educational.
And remember: the race is long, and in the end, your knees are shot, your dehydrated, and all you have to show for it is a paper number.
Remember compliments, there won’t be many. Don’t forget insults, you may reuse them.
Maybe you’ll marry, hopefully you won’t. But if you do, one thing’s for sure: you will be divorced, and broke, and homeless, etc., etc.
Maybe you’ll collapse in the Brittle Hills old folks home while attempting the Funky Chicken in your depends.
Abuse your body. Pierce and tattoo every imaginable orphic you can. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. Play the h*ll out of it.
Dance. Preferably in a strip bar— you’ll make a heck of a living.
Don’t read the directions, the guy who wrote them is probably illiterate and doesn't know as much as you do.
Live in Las Vegas, Wayne Newton does. Live in San Francisco, but leave before it makes you hard.
Feel free to get sunburned. It's O.K. What the h*ll? At least you'll look good for a day just as well.
Don’t mess too much with your privates. You won’t go blind, but by the time your 40 they will look 85.
Be careful whose advise you buy, especially if your paying $2.99 for it on the psychic hotline.
Some people say money can’t buy happiness. Evidently, they’re not shopping in the right places like a downtown corner at 2 A.M. in the morning.
And remember: what you hid from your parents as kids, you will hide from your kids as parents.
Hey, but trust me about that sunburn.
