My Story

I really don't know how to start this, but ill give it my best shot. I suppose it all started when my mother met my Stepfather "K". My mum was divorced and she met him at work. She was only going out with him a short while when she decided to move in with him. He had two sons of his own, from a different marriage, and they were there every second weekend, and only me and my older sister moved in with Mum, my brother and eldest sister were to remain at our old house.

I cant remember when it started, but I know that he used to sit me on his knee a lot. He used to leave his hand on his lap when I sat down. He would feel me, and ask me if it felt good?? I never answered him, I just used to giggle. I remember feeling real funny, not good, not bad, just funny, but also a feeling that what he was doing wasn’t right.

When I was young, I was frightened of everything, mainly of being left alone. I suppose I could blame my mother for that as she always threatened to leave, drank all the time, and called me a slut, no good useless piece of shit, fat , ugly, stupid little girl. A slut at the age of 9, I didn’t even know what a ‘slut’ was??? Every horrid name under the sun, she used to call me all of them. The thing was she said it with such anger and hatred, I was continuously scared of her, I feared everything. I used to get dressed in the loungeroom in front of Mum and "K" all the time, because I was afraid. When I took baths I used to leave the door open and "K" would stand there the whole time I was in there and talk to me, looking at me the whole time. I finally started closing the door, and I also stopped sitting on his knee, as at 12 years of age, I thought I was a bit too big to be sitting on his knee.

Mum and "K" got married when I was 12, just a small ceremony at home, then a reception at my Nanas house. My sister and I caught "K" a number of times perving at us either through our windows getting undressed or through the window in the shower. We also caught him smelling our knickers and searching the bins for used pads and tampons.We did tell Mum this, but she waved it away as if it was nothing.

My mother got a job at an old peoples home, where she had to stay overnight 3 nights a week, and at this time, my brother moved in with us as well. Most nights it ended up just being me and "K" at home. It didn’t really bother me too much, I didn’t have to deal with Mum in her drunken rages. It was just the start of the Xmas holidays, I was 14 years old, and Mum was at work, noone else was home. I went to bed, with the light and radio on.I ended up waking up to "K" next to my bed, his hand patting my dog, Jemma, and his other hand in my pants. I stirred and turned over the other way, and he ran out of the room. He came back a number of times though, and ill never forget seeing his eyes peek around the door. That memory stays with me the most.After the 4 time of peeking to see if I was asleep, I finally got up and went to the toilet, it still hadn’t dawned on me what had just happened.

I went back to bed, but felt absolutely disgusting for some reason, I didn’t feel right, it was starting to hit me what had just happened, so I climbed out the window and went out the front. I had no idea what I was going to do, I sat there for about an hour it seemed.I finally grabbed my bike as quiet as I could and starting riding over to my friends house. When I turned the corner, my brother came around with his car. I broke down. I told him what had happened, and he went back to the house to ask "K", he denied everything.Its funny because "K" never looked anyone in the eye, until that night. He blatantly lied and stared me in the eye. My brother slept with me me in the loungeroom.

Then next day when Mum came home, my brother told her what had happened, she said nothing to me at all. I felt like it was all my fault. For years I felt guilt, and I felt my mothers pain and my own pain was all my fault. Everything was my fault!!!

Mum ended up taking me to a place called Crisis Care, mind you this was about a month after everything happened. They wanted to involve the police, Mum swore black and blue she didn’t want them involved, but she didn’t have any choice. "K" was charged with 2 years probation!!!!! Just two years for taking away my innocence, and a lifetime of pain!!!!

My story isn’t as bad as a lot of other people who have suffered at the hands of an abuser,but my real agony and pain, was I had to live with "K" after everything that happened!!!This really messed with my head, because 2 months after being convicted, he was back to perving on me in the shower, smelling knickers and searching the bins. My mother would come home drunk most nights and she would constantly be at "K" about him abusing me, which hurt me deep down because everytime she bought it up, I felt like it was happening all again.

I’m angry that "K" can keep living with my mother, like he never did anything wrong, he’s friends with everyone, everyone thinks he’s a great guy. I’m still left with it like I was the one who did wrong!!! I have had years and years of depression and fighting to keep my head above water, and I believe I am close to being totally healed. The last of my healing is to put the guilt and blame back onto him, and with doing these pages and helping other people, and spreading my story, I am doing that.

I will forgive, but I will never forget!!!!!!

"K", be careful, because soon is the time to let your ugly secret out!!!!!

If you would like me to put your story on my webpage, Please email me at bubsy2u@angelfire.com.