My Mother

My mother was born in a country town, she never drank and never smoked. A completely different person than what she is today. Mother married Dad, they had 3 children. The marriage ended when Dad found out that mother was having an affair with every sheerer on the station. Dad did give It another go, but mother still had a wondering eye. This is when mother started drinking every night, I’m not sure if she did or not because I wasn’t born, but, its what I have been told by my older siblings.

Mother met a man and accidentally fell pregnant with me. I was constantly reminded everyday that I could have been aborted, and if she had the choice, after I was born, she would’ve. My father left her and accused her of having an affair with another man, and said that I wasn’t his. I still don't know the truth to this day.

My earliest memory of my mother was the familiar smell of smoke and alcohol on her clothes. I also remember watching mother falling down because she was punched by a man. My first encounter of physical abuse. I suffered severely at my mothers hands, after all, she was all I had. I had no-one else. She physically abused me, she used to smack the hell out of me. Shed also call me a lot of horrid names that still stick to me to this day. I think they always will. My self esteem never had a chance with her around.

My mother used to chase us around with knives, spit at us, call us f****ing little bastards, this was all brought on by alcohol. From about the age of 13, I knew what my mother was doing, she was making us pay for the life she could’ve had. Making us pay by taking every ounce of confidence and security we ever had.

My mother hurt me that many times I had to stop all contact with her. The biggest thing was she stayed with a guy that sexually abused me countless times. That hurts. All she gave me was a room with a lock on the door, I never remember my mother holding me and telling me it wasn’t my fault or that she loved me and we would be leaving him, she just wallowed into her own self pity. I was forgotten.

I have kids of my own now, and my mother could never understand why I wouldn’t let her look after the kids at her house!!! Not that she ever wanted to look after them in the first place. I didn’t want her to anyhow, because sure enough, she would bring her beer over with her. I don't want my kids growing up with her abuse, mental and alcohol, around them.

She tells people, the reason she never left "K" was that, and I quote!!! " why should I leave when I didn’t do anything wrong????" She was getting her beer, smokes and all expenses paid for, so why would she have any reason for leaving????? I wasn’t important enough for her to leave. That’s the reason for this page, because I’m only starting to heal from all the hurt, the shame, the fear and insecurities she instilled in me.

Id like to thankyou mother, for showing me all the mistakes I will never make with my own children!!!!!!

March 98.

My mother has been telling people that the court case I had with "K", was a farrce and that I lied about the whole lot. 'He just touched her leg' is what she is saying. I cannot imagine a mother lying about her own flesh and blood!!! I think Im more hurt by her lying and maliciousness, than I am about being abused!!! Shes told my Husband that in her eyes, I am dead. That its all my fault I dont talk to her anymore. Blame is being put back on me and I cant stand it!!! No wonder I got into a pattern of "Everything is my fault!!! I will try and leave the blame where its suppose to be, on her conscience!!!!