Anyway, you're probably wondering what exactly I'm talking about. I'll start from the beginning. My name is Morgan Fairweather. I live in the country, doesn't everyone these days?
I was at home for a few days, enjoying my vacation. I work as a free-lance chef.
Suddenly, I hear a strange sound from outside. I go out, and see a kid gnawing on my drywall. At first, I couldn't move, I was so surprised.
"Hey! Hey you there! Get away from my house!" I yelled. I did not move, just spoke by the way, for all of you out there that aren't as swift as the rest of us.
He looked up startled, and immediately burst into tears.
"Oh... Oh no... Don't start crying...." I hurried over to him.
"Oh, he always cries." A girl that looked a bit older walked out of the bushes.
"Who are you?" She looked at me quizzically.
"Morgan. Who are you two kids, and why are you trying to eat my drywall?"
"I wasn't eating it. Blubber over there was." she gestured at the boy. "My name's Gretel, and he's Hansel."
"Hello. Now, why aren't you with your parents?" Those lucky people, I thought dryly to myself.
Now I will intervene to make a long story short. It turns out the Hansel and Gretel lived in a nearby village, and had just met their new stepmother. And surprise, they didn't like her. So they ran away. Right to my house. And that is where I found them. Gnawing on my dry wall, out of hunger is what they said. Not likely. They both looked like they always ate way too much.
Well, now that I had found them, they were ecstatic. Not only would they have a nice place to stay, but free food as well! So, I decided to let them stay for awhile until we could sort out this whole sordid deal with their parents.
I cooked for them. And cooked for them. And cooked for them. It was amazing how much these two ate. Anyway, they were both staying in my guestrooms, (cages is what they'd tell you) and were basically in the lap of luxury.
Well, I have a old stove out back. So one day, when my gas stove broke down, I decided to use the stove out back. I hadn't used it in awhile, so it really flared up in my face.
Around this time, Gretel looked out her second story window at me. Now let me tell you, this kid has a wild imagination! I had gotten quite a kick out of it other times. But this time was different. She somehow concluded that I had been fattening them up in the past few days, and now I was going to eat them.
First of all, I don't even eat meat. I am a strict vegetarian. Was brought up that way by my Mother. Anyway, Gretel managed to convince Hansel of this, and they decided to push me into the stove before I could eat them.
They run downstairs, push me into the oven, and here I am today. Two weeks later, I am lucky to be alive.
With first and second degree burns. I am in a great deal of pain, even as I write this.
Actually, I'm not even writing this. I am dictating it to my lawyer to write. I think he's doing a good job. Be sure to thank him at the end. Give him a little wave if you see him. He's the guy in the suit that looks like a vulture stalking some poor little mouse, or ambulance, as lawyers often do. Stupid lawyer.
I am now looking into suing the parents of Hansel and Gretel for hospital bills, and emotional damage. They are already suing me for, and I quote, "Trying to eat our precious angels.", not quite the words I'd use to describe them, but what can you expect?
Thank you for hearing my story, and you can send contributions for my cause at: "Chefs Against Cannibalism". Get the number from my lawyer. As you might expect, I am very much against cannibalism. Morgan Fairweather
