Now, I have always wanted a baby and a big family and I wanted that with my husband. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant. As for my husband he was not happy. He told me I had only 2 choices Abortion or Adoption. Well I wanted to keep my marriage together and keep my baby, but he was persistant and refused to let me keep her. So I, being the trusting person I was I believed that he was doing this because it would be best for our child, when all along he planned to divorce me anyway and just didn't want to pay child support. But I was under the power of his mental control & abuse and didn't see his true intentions. I guess I believed he did it for us.
For months we avoided the subject, I refused to have an Abortion, so I held out talking about it till we could no longer legally have one. It was the only way, but between the 24 hour a day morning sickness and my waist size doubling. We could no longer hide it. Christmas we spent at his parents. He told me to wear big clothes so I could hide it. He didn't want his parents to know. My family found out through a friend where I worked and they were not happy, but stupid me stood beside the man I loved and broke ties with my family.
By January I started to show and we could no longer avoid it. We decided we should face reality. By that point in time I could feel her moving inside of me. I also couldn't miss the big foot sticking out of my left side. Earlier that week I had my first ultra sound done. We tried and tried to find out weather it was a boy or girl and just as the doctor was about to give up, she said OK and exposed herself. That day I learned I was going to have a daughter. I was happy yet I was sad. So at 11pm that night he decided it was time to get it over with and so we got out the phone book. We looked up adoption agencies in the yellow pages. The first ad we saw jumped out at us. It was for ABC adoption agency. It said that they were available 24 hours a day and being so late that was exactly what he needed before I could even think of changing my mind. So we called. A half asleep lady answered the phone. I didn't realize that she forwarded the phone to her home at night. I felt so bad. She said she got calls like this all the time. Her name was Melanie. She told us to come in the next day to meet her and the lawyer Paul and start to fill out some paperwork, the sooner the better. I was so nervous and confused. I was doing what was right for my baby. Why did I feel so bad? So the next day we went to her office. I started some basic paperwork and right away she got started on what qualifications we wanted the adoptive parents to have. I couldn't believe I got to choose what we wanted them to be like. I started to feel a little bit better because I got to choose who my daughter would be able to call mom and dad. We wanted a couple who was not too young, both had a college education and a must was she had to be a stay at home mom. Out of the 50 people they had on the waiting list, 4 fit our qualifications. Each couple had put together a photo album for the birthmother’s to look through and a “Dear Birthmother” letter. Well, Melanie spread the four books out and right away one caught my attention. It was beautiful book. Inside was tons of picture of happy family photos from holidays. They were a cute couple. the were foster parents to a little boy for a long time, but he went back to his family. So they decided to adopt a newborn baby. There was so much love in every picture. I knew right then, that they were the one's I wanted to raise my daughter. I fell in love with Bill and Jodi.
We arranged with Melanie to meet Bill and Jodi. First she wanted Jodi and I to meet with her alone. I was so nervous. We agreed to meet at a restaurant. As soon as I walked in I saw her. Like an angel she was glowing from head to toe. She was just as nervous as I was. It was great. We found out we had a lot in common and we got along real well. Soon after we decided that the two couples should meet. Jodi and I spent the day shopping and we even got our hair done. We then headed down the mall and there were the guys. Dinner went well and both of us were so happy with Bill and Jodi. I knew then, that they were the family I was looking for. For the next few month Jodi and I spent every day together. Shopping, eating, more shopping and definitely more eating. Jodi came to all my doctors appointments. She was as excited as I was. She was there when we taped the ultrasound.
Well as my due date got closer and closer I became more nervous. I couldn't even sleep anymore. And after several false alarms the date that we chose for induction was here. May 12, 1997. One day after Mother's day. For Mother's day Jodi and I spent the day together. As we were sitting down and eating I realized I was losing not only my daughter but I was losing my new found close relationship with Jodi. After Alexis is born we would no longer be close. I couldn't sleep one bit. We arrived at the hospital at 6:30 AM. I did not know if I was ready. But there was no turning back now. So I registered and went to my room.
So there we all were. Waiting for the biggest moment in all of our lives. My husband and Bill were sitting in the corner playing trivial pursuit. We were all having a good time. It wasn't till 8pm that the labor became intense. All along I did not want to have Bill in the room during delivery. But at the last minute I decided that I could not let him miss this first moment in our daughter's life. So he stayed. I remember seeing him standing in the corner. he was so nervous. Maybe even more then I was. Well, finally the time came and at 8:25PM I gave birth to my daughter. A 7lb. 12.5oz screaming baby girl. Boy was I tired. I don't remember the next three hours. I do remember holding my daughter right after she was born. Sadly I don't remember it too well. I remember everyone leaving the room. I remember it getting quiet. I remember being alone. I drifted off to sleep. I woke again at midnight. It was dark and I was alone. I was so scared. I started to scream. The last thing I remembered was hearing my baby cry and now it was quiet. Since my husband didn't care to inconvence himself by having to sleep in a hospital chair and really didn't care to stay with me they had to call him back to the hospital and They gave me a shot. it became dark again.
The next day, lucky 13th, was the day the lawyer came with the papers. I never felt so numb before. I felt cold and empty inside. there was no longer a foot digging in my side. No little hiccups in the middle of the night. They handed me the pen. I was shaking. I thought to my self “ How can I do this? Yet how can I not? I love my daughter, I have to do this.” and so I sold my soul away. The papers told me that she would only be legally known as Baby Girl Porter. They named her Mara Suzanne, but I named her Alexis Michelle and that is who she will always be to me. After I signed the papers I was able to see my daughter. They gave Jodi a room at the hospital so she could stay with the baby. I was not allowed to room with the baby. As I came into her room, I saw her. She lit the room up. My daughter. She was so sweet, so small and so beautiful. She looked like such a happy baby. That made me feel much better.
They gave me a little time to be alone with her. I sat there and counted her fingers and toes. "All there" I said. Over the three days I was in the hospital I was able to see her any time I wanted. That was nice. I went down there several times.
Soon the second day was coming to a close and I began to realize that tomorrow I would have to let her go. I woke at 4am like I did the entire nine months I was pregnant. Alexis always got up at 4am and wanted to roll around. So I was used to it. So I went down to the room and spent some time with her. Jodi let me try to feed her. It didn't go to well. She got fussy and wouldn't let me feed her. Jodi gave it a try and it worked. I got frustrated and went back to my room.
Soon it came time to leave. I slowly packed my stuff from my room. There was a knock at my door. A delivery man brought in a huge bouquet of Yellow roses with a card that said " We are forever Grateful. Bill, Jodi and Mara." I started to cry. Then both Bill and Jodi came in 1 by 1 to say thank you. Really all we could do was cry on each other. I went down to Jodi's room for one final time. They gave me a few moment to hold her and say good-bye. We took pictures of all of us. (Like I looked good after giving birth and crying for 3 days.) After the pictures I gave Alexis to Jodi and I left the room. I cried all the way down the hall. I kept hearing a little voice say "No, Mommy, don't leave me. Mommy come back, come back" The voice kept getting louder and louder and the hall longer and longer. I barely made it to the elevator and it all stopped as the door slammed.
We went down stairs. My husband wanted to be at work more then being home with me my first day home from the hospital because he was sick of my crying over my baby. So Melanie took me home. As we were leaving the parking lot we turned left and Bill, Jodi and the baby turned right. They were gone. That was the last time I saw my baby. Melanie dropped me off at home. After she slammed the door I looked around, there was nothing, nothing that said I just gave birth to the most wonderful baby in the world. Just me, no noise, just Quiet. I took my medication and went to bed. I must say that I stayed in this medicated state for many days. He made me stay medicated because he said I needed to get over it and I couldn't. But I soon realized I was still alive and my baby was happy and I got up and went on. Because that is what Alexis would want me to do.
Well here we are more then three years after this whole story started. I have been seperated from my husband for two years. He has refused to send off the divorce papers. Pretty low for a guy who wanted out of this marriage so badly. He has run off into the Army somewhere. I am living on my own and I am a much happier person now because of it. He no longer controls me and I make my own decisions. I have come a long way from the scared young woman that he forced me to be. I am strong and have no fears. No matter what he says or does, he can no longer hurt me. I have no contact with him. My daughter will also never have contact with him because he is no father to her. He treated her like trash and threw her away. He never wanted her and never claimed her. Bill and Jodi send pictures every few months. They have moved from SC. Alexis is growing like a weed. Every picture reminds me that I did the right thing. She is such a happy baby. I send her gifts on her Birthday, Easter and Christmas. I received a lovely picture frame for Mother's day last year and a lovely cat statue this year. Both years they have sent Mother's day cards signed Mara. Being a Birthmother and what I went through, I decided to reach out and help others in the same situation. So I run a support group for all members of the adoption triad and plan to march on Washington for Open Records for Adult Adoptees. Every person deserves to know their medical background. As for my personal life. I am a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant, So I control my own job too. I am also at Southern Weslyan University getting my Buisness Degree.
I hope to someday hold my daughter in my arms again. I believe she will know that I am her mother. I have put that trust in Bill and Jodi and I believe they will follow through. That is why I picked them from the start. I hope that my daughter will accept me in to her life when she feels ready. I love Alexis very much and I know that I did the right thing. All I wanted for my daughter was to have a happy and safe home with a good family. And that is the one thing I was able to provide.
Wendy-Ann Porter 4/6/00
