I will not go into town for information if I am regularly beaten to a pulp while doing so.
When selecting a love interest, I will keep my eye out for a moderately attractive, spunky tomboy-type whose about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are spies for the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to weasel information out of me or get me to convert to the dark side.
If the Hero tells me to stay put, I will listen to him for a change.
Optimism and survival seem to correlate negatively. If I find myself feeling good about human nature at all times, I will verify the status of my life insurance policies.
I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents rather than trying to become a swashbuckling master of fisticuffs.
I will coordinate all heroic struggle-related activities with the Hero. If I can't tell him what I am doing, I shouldn't be doing it.
I will exercise the utmost caution during the heroic struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death, nor the burning rage to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.
I will be quiet and try to stay sober most of the time. If I get drunk and begin to sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are actually spies for the Evil Overlord.
If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make many copies and use Federal Express to deliver it.
If the beautiful captured female spy offers me sexual favors, I will refuse. It’s a trick, and she will try to kill me and escape.
If my partner is named "Dirty Harry", I should realize that there is a reason for that and request an immediate transfer.
Before accepting the job of Sidekick, I will find out how the position became vacant.
If the Hero does something to hurt my feelings, I will presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off in a fit of self-pity and get captured by the Evil Overlord.
I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets I may have, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.
If the Hero has some really extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will do my best to acquire like items.
I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a strange planet.
I will not tell the Hero about any of my plans to settle down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown until after the Evil Overlord is actually overthrown.
I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform any other personal task on his behalf.
If the Hero ever tosses me his car keys, I will politely toss them back and take the bus. That way, I will not be killed by the car bomb.
I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero so often that the fans think that there is a revolving door in the afterlife.
