Jokes

BETS

A guy in a casino goes up to the bartender.

Guy: I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my left eye.
The bartender's pretty curious, so he agrees. The guy takes out his dentures and bites his eye with them, then puts them back in. The bartender thinks it's pretty clever and pays him $50. The guy's not done yet.
Guy: I'll bet $100 that I can bite my right eye without taking out my teeth.
Again, the bartender's curious and agrees. The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it with his teeth. The bartender laughs and gives him $100.
Guy: Now I'll bet you $200 that I can piss all over your bar without getting it wet.
Now the bartender's pretty sure there's no way he can do it, but this guy has tricked him twice, so he's dying to know how he could possibly win this bet, and so agrees. The guy gets up on his bar, pulls his pants down, and starts pissing, spinning all around like a sprinkler, and sure enough, all the drinks, bottles, and the counter get wet. The bartender starts laughing.
Bartender: Haha! You lose! You got my bar wet!
Guy: Yea, I did. But I bet that guy over there that I could piss all over your bar and make you laugh.

What did one eye say to the other?

"Between you and me, something smells."

TALKING CLOCK

While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERKS! IT'S 2 AM!"

How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

Twist its nose until it turns blue and use the blue elephant gun.

SMARTER

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal was somewhat alarmed. Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubble gum
Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: Shake hands
Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

JOHNNY EXPLAINS POLITICS

Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

PICTUREs

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
"Tripod??
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... ..Good Lord, she's fainted!!

LIFESAVERS

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red...................cherry"

"Yellow...............lemon"

"Green.................lime"

"Orange...............orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.
Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes."
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.
Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment.
However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master...
Moral of the story: Pay your bills!

WHO SHOT THE DOG?

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

THE COLLEGE WINO

Several men shared a fraternity house. One member, regularly drank a rough brand of wine and would run in and vomit in the kitchen sink. His roommates grow tiredof this and warned him if he didn't quit he would lose his stomach one day.

After this did little good they decided to disembowel a chicken and left the entrails in the sink.

When the young wino arrived, he headed straight for the kitchen and immediately began heaving with great vigor. A few minutes later he appears in the door of the living room - white as a ghost to announce.

"Men it happened just like you said I vomited up my insides. But the good news is that by God's help, I got them all back down."

BITCHY

The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news." Linda asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Linda asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."

DINNER AT GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

THE KEY TO ECSTASY

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.

SCHOOL PRIDE

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

Little Margaret usually slept through class in Sunday School. One day, her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Who created the Universe?" she asked. Little Johnny, who was sitting behind Margaret, jabbed her with a pin. "God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said, "Very good." Margaret fell back asleep.

Later, the Nun asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Johnny stabbed her again with the pin. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good." Margaret fell back asleep.

Later, the Nun asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny poked her. This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

SINGING BLOWJOB

There's a guy who's tired of sex - he's done it so many times that it's getting a bit boring. So one day he goes to a pimp and asks if there's anything more exciting.
Pimp: I think I've got something for you. You like singing?
Guy: Yea, I kinda do.
Pimp: You like blowjobs?
Guy: Hell yea.
Pimp: I got a girl who'll give you a blowjob while singing the national anthem for you!
Guy: WHOA! Hook me up!
So the guy goes to the girl's apartment and they get ready to do it, but the girl has a condition: she'll only do it if the lights are out. So they turn off the lights, she goes down on him, and sure enough, the guy hears, "Oh say can you see..."
Holy shit! he thinks. How the hell does she do that? He's so curious that he goes again the next day, and the day after that. Finally, he's just dying to know, so he decides that the next time he goes, he'll flip on the lights. So he goes once more, and while she's singing, he turns the lights on.

The first thing he sees is a glass eye roll off the table.

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