Idiot Stories

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Yes, Linda is a blonde.

A pair of 72-DDs is being blamed for the death of a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was celebrating his bachelor party at a popular strip club. The well-endowed Kandy Kane was giving Daniel Greene a lap dance and began smothering his face with her humongous hooters. Witnesses said Greene began waving his hands around, but everyone thought he was just enjoying the attention. Who could have known that he was signaling for help? said a confused friend. Onlookers eventually realized that Greene was no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane's breasts. Now Greene's family is suing Miss Kane and the strip club for wrongful death. Those breasts were lethal weapons, Greene´s father told reporters.

A man who thought his wife was cheating on him decided to take drastic measures and placed what he called a chastity lock through his wife's genitals. Floyd Weseman is being charged with aggravated assault after his wife fled away in terror and filed charges against her demented husband. He allegedly cut holes on both sides of her vagina and inserted a 3/4 inch lock through the holes. When arrested, police found the key on his person.

An American woman had no need to fasten her seatbelt on a flight from Scandinavia to the United States after a high-pressure vacuum flush sealed her to the toilet seat of the transatlantic airliner. The woman filed a complaint with Scandinavian Airlines System (SAS) after her ordeal on a Boeing 767 flight last year. She got sucked in after pushing the flush button while seated, activating a system to clean the toilet by vacuum, the airline said Monday. "She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until the flight had landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose," a SAS spokeswoman told Reuters. "She was stuck there for quite a long time."

A man suffered possible multiple franctures when he fell 20 feet to the ground while throwing a television set off the second floor porch roof of his home. The accident occurred when Bryan Allison and his brother Justin decided to throw their 25-inch television set off the roof after they watched a 1989 NHL hockey playoff game on videotape and became upset over the outcome.

In an Inuit village, a young man was searching for a way of getting drunk for free because he had no money to buy alcohol. So he mixed gasoline with milk to get his buzz. After he drank it he became ill and vomited on the fireplace in his house which in turn ignited his vomit and burned his house down killing him and his sister.

Back to Profile