Lost This Journal
Thank god I found this in my dirty clothes bag. If someone found it-well..crap. Anyways, too much has happend, and ironically enough, my mind is blank.
So what can I talk about? Well it's Cali's birthday. I haven't gotten her yet, but I have everything planned out for a day of distraction (Her best friend is planning a suprise party) From taking her to get some jewelry, to a little bit of site seeing around Vegas. It's a costume party, so getting her to go in a costume is going to be a bit tricky. I'll find a way. Afterwards, I have a special jungle themed room reserved for us. You know an Egyptian jungle looking thing going on. I ordered champagne and some other stuff, I hope she likes it. I don't want to freak her out, but I want it to be a nice night. The jacuzzi supposively has a big window with a view, so I got some nice bath stuff and jazz music. I know it sounds like I'm trying to frisk her, but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't. I want her to just enjoy herself.
Anyway, I gotta get her. Write more later.

Things Are Brighter I Guess
Well, I think that void between me and Julie is something I can deal with... I mean, what I did was morally wrong, but.. In a weird way-and I know this sounds so wrong- but It was like closure for me.
Now I have Cali, and we're real, we're actually an item. I couldn't really imagine being with anyone else right now. I love her to death really.
I'm just afraid one of these days someone like Nick or Julie are going to come along and tear us apart, like they did to Miles and Brian. They were perfect too, regardless of their differences. I've never seen one or the other so happy. Nothing against Nick, he'll always be my little brother, but he has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe one day there'll be a Frick and Frack... until then one could only hope.
Well, I guess things are looking up seriously now, all I seem to want to do with my free time now is spoil Cali to death, let her know I love her, you know? I don't think thats a bad thing, right?

Man Do I Ever Screw Up
Well.. Cali and I are kind of an item.. But I'm such a damn screw up. After Julie and my official break up, well.. I was in a million peices..
So what do I do? I run back to her and take her by force. Of all the sins to commit.. I commit one of the unthinkables. So now not only is it hard to live with myself or look in the mirror for being such a screw up, but I have that too..
Sure she deserved her own shit she dished to people, but not that.. Even as messed up as she is..
And most of all, I'm afraid if Cali knew, I'd lose her..

FOUND HER
I found her trying to break up a fight with Nick and Tony!! SHES ALRIGHT!! THANK GOD!! But..........................................
SHE'S MARRIED!!! Never have I felt so devastated and heart broken in my LIFE!! the nerve of her! God, I don't know wether to break down and feel the pain or be extremely pissed off....with XANDER?! She barely knows him! I'd love to get him alone in a room....
I care about Calista...but EVERYONES trying to tell me it's fine..and EVERYONE is telling me I need to get over it...WELL IM FUCKING SORRY..love doesn't work that way. Love is all emotions. Brian told me bout him and Miles...can you believe it? I might have a mini Brian to look after here soon if she keeps it.. you know he says Miles doesn't love him..but you can see it the way she'll glance at him when he's not looking.. fucking hell.. You know people fuck up I get that.. that's why I stayed with Julie..because I LOVED HER..I loved her enough to go through that.. and just to find this out.. god.. I want to die..I want to die...I don't deserve this air, this light.. I just...ugh!!!

FINE MY ASS
WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?! SHE COULD BE DEAD ON A ROAD SIDE FOR ALL I KNOW!! BUT IF SHES FINE WHERE IS SHE?! AND WHY HASN'T SHE TOLD ANYONE?! I've gone to Miles probably ten fucking times a day worrying about that girl! I had to resort to buying morphine off the streets to calm my nerves....fuck, it's not working! WHERE IS SHE?! I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.....

Panick
Julie is gone! She's disappeared. I've called her cell phone, searched everywhere... I've done everything!!! GOD!! Why does this shit always have to happen to me?!
She has to be ok..I need to keep telling myself that... she has to be...she has to be..
We have a stalker!! Could the stalker of done something? Oh god she could be dead...NO KEVIN.. she's fine...she's fine...fuck..

It only gets worse
Where do I begin? God.. Ok Calista told me Julie is cheating on me.. okay so I expected that, but damn. That really gets on my nerves. I think in a way I love Julie, otherwise I really wouldn't be with her right? And Dave, he's always there for me.. I care about him alot. But Calista, she's always been there, and I don't know how to explain it, I know I love her. I always have.. and Now that Nick betrayed her with her own best friend...god that's just harsh.. of all things I thought more of him than that. But that's not my business. My life is a mess. I want to kick the morphine, I mean I crave it all the time.. but where the fuck do I get some? I'll have to find Julie and ask her. Christ, she's my own girlfriend and I hardly ever see her, how pathetic is that? Me and Calista are always together..it just makes me wonder. And now that I think about it, Nick hurt Cali.. and at the same time Miles hurt my cousin. I need to remember to call Brian and see how he is. If I was a lowlife I'd beat sense into everyone, but I'm better than that. I just hope...I can straighten things out. And whats with this stalker stuff? It's getting way out of hand. I mean.. the messages, what in the world do they mean? I guess all we can do is wait and find out huh? Oh well.. my mind is on Calista. I told her I won't push for anything because well..that'd just be messy.. but I wonder what it'd be like. Nick was super bitchy to us.. but hey, it's his loss and my gain. If he can't deal with other people being happy then that's his fault.. but I better get going.. my job never ends. Til next time.

I'm So Corrupt
Well I'm not mad at Julie for making me a drug addict or anything, I think I'm just mad at the fact she's blaming it on me, and hitting on people infront of me. I mean if you're going to addict a person to drugs, least supply them. I was willing to pay her, but god. She's so moody.
Anyway, that's why I'm seeing Dave. He cares. I don't know, I never thought I'd see a guy in this light.. but he has more emotions and all that than a girl does.. I don't love him, but I care gravely for him.. What if it turned into love? I loved him and Julie..? That'd be hard...
And what if I chose Dave over Julie? What if I came out of the closet, admitting I was bisexual? They'd probably all disown me..and my family, they'd never talk to me again.. But if they only saw Dave how I see him.. -sigh- I guess maybe I'm confused.. I mean.. what if I'm not Bi? and just on rebound.. or just.. fucked up?
I guess we gotta find out the hard way...

Forgot I Had This
Well after a fire Nick started, I found this journal. Luckily only had one entry so it wasn't that bgi of a lost... well, just to give a quick update.. me and Julie are together. She turned me into a morphine addict.. I'm seeing Dave (yes a guy) behind her back.. we never stop fighitng, I'm going nuts.. But Dave cares alot, he's so affectionate.. besides that.. I don't know really. Me and Britney are on bad terms.. again. I guess my life is just going downhill, Dave is the only one who cares.. speaking of which.. I'm gunna go see him.. later

Busy busy busy
Haven't had time to write in this. Been so over whelmed by the stress of this tour. This beats all other tours by far!
Let's see...what to write in here... oh! Well, I'm torn between 4 people, how bout that? How'd it happen to me! what'd I do? Calista totally likes Nick so it's out. I mean she's a sweetheart, but it'd never happen. And Jennifer, I like her...but I feel more like I need to help her, and that's why I'm so caring I guess. She's gotten herself into such a mess. Lord, I hope she'll straighten up one day.
That leaves me with Julie and Britney. Julie is complex. Or so I think. I don't know I think I make her mad alot, but then again she's normally always quiet. She's an alcoholic wich worries me. But all in all I like her, and I've made that clear to her.. but I don't know if she's just being nice about it or if she likes me back....well, we'll see... I'm going to invite her out to movies and dinner or something sooner or later.
But the last girl....? Britney. Little Britney Carter herself.. I've liked that little golden haired sweetheart since we first met. I mean...ok, she's way younger than me...but Britney isn't exactly a kid anymore either. She's a young woman. A popular one too. Sometimes I try to talk to her and I get cut short by that phone of hers. I want to drop it in a lake.
But I guess Brit won't see I like her...heck none of them do. Cept Julie, she knows. Well, I'm done with my pathetic so called love life. I'm going to get around to talking to Julie bout her feelings...and if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen..I don't think I could lose sleep over it. Well, later.

I need another vacation
Well I feel pretty funny writing in this journal. It's quite silly in a way. My cousin Harry had bout it for me, I never used it. In fact I lost it until lately, finding it in my empty office I'm using for storage at the moment..
Anyways, everything here is a mess. But I'm still breathing, thank you lord!!!
I don't know what's up with Jen. She hits on me (desperately) then harasses me. Whatever. I'm not going to affiliate myself with her anymore. I hate being like this, but I got to take care of myself before anyone else.
Well, I got to get packing. Tour is tomorrow.