I'm bored, a bit energetic at the moment too. Brian's accent is sooo adorable!!! Little farm boy hahaha, he had me laughing pretty hard tonight. We're together finally, no thanks to my cautious SLOW ass ha! But no, I really really care about him... I'm not using the nasty 'L' word, cuz I mean, it hasn't fully gotten there yet!
I'm just afraid of relationships...all mine go sour then they throw me out in the garbage. Honestly, that's only happend a few times... I end up hurting people. Always. How do I do it?! I mean I don't do anything wrong...it just happens..and no that isn't denial. I've always tried to make the other person as happy as I could, then I'd give so much I couldn't give anything because I'd be so bone-dry.. I hope I don't hurt him.. he's special, this one
I'm mad however, I got locked out of my room, haven't talked to Cali yet about it, but I'm going to change rooms or something... I mean, I hope she realized she locked Britney out too.
Well.. anyhow, I think I'm going to go change my room arrangements...so, I'll write later...and see TWO ENTRIES IN TWO DAYS!! feel proud little book...feel proud.. because I wrote in you! I didn't skip a week either! haha.. ok, buhbye.
Well I'm back. Back in chaos! I knew it was gunna happen, just a matter of time of course. Oh well.
I talked to Jen today, wich by the way..is pregnant with Carter's kid, and I tried to help her. I know what it's like. I hope though she sees what a gift her kid really is. I wish I could have. Suprisingly I didn't snap at her. I think it's because I've been where she is...well sort of. I didn't do the same things as her. I was just as lost as she is though. (sigh) I saw her drinking and that really got to me. I mean, Anela had a birth defect because of my drinking. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant until it was a little too late to stop without it affecting the kid. I mean, I stopped..but it already hurt her. Well.. I'm not going to write on about this, I already have an old journal filled with this stuff... I just hope Jen knows she can come to me if she needs someone there.
May my baby rest in peace.
I talked to Julie...so I guess all that's left now is seeing Brian. Hopefully he's had more fun than I have. Anyways, More to come later, as always. I'll try to write more in this. Bye.
On the Plane
Well I havent the time lately to write about what's been going on. Parker was hard to be near, I actually found myself on the edge of tears alot. Strange. I haven't cried since I was a teenager (Excluding that incident with Brian). But Parker is okay now.. I think. For how long? I don't know.. just goes to show how much things change and go wrong in a small amount of time.
Speaking of Brian.. I miss him. I love his accent. It's cute. I hate my English accent, I've tried so desperately hard to mask it so it'd go away, but it isn't working. But anyways, back to my golden haired, southern boy. I wonder if he knows how I feel? I mean.. I know I'm not easy to read, unlike most people I know. In fact if I really want to get away with things, I can pull off anything. But it's there. I've tried to hint it. Maybe I'm expecting too much too hehe. Oh well, I'm going to chill out and let him come around if he wants anything more than a friendship. Until then, I'm going to have a load of paperwork. Ick. Well, have fun laying in my duffle bag, I'm going to get some shut eye!
Ok, I'm slacking off a bit in writing in this book. So far I've managed to write every few days...not everyday like I tried to. Oh well... I'm leaving the tour. Not leaving, leaving, but I'll be gone a while.
My step mum called and my step brother is in the hospital again. I got help from my bosses to cover for me, saying I'm leaving on business matters, even though its personal. My brother is the only sibling I've really ever had. A drug addict at that. Im flying to Oregon to visit him and help keep the family together during this time. It's about as stressful as being stuck in a room with the blonde Backstreet Boy so far...but I gotta do it...ta ta for now
I wonder if anyone else feels the way I'm feeling right now. I don't know this guy (Brian obviously) as well as I want to, but I adore him. For once, I found someone who can make me smile and laugh regardless of what is happening with me. I feel like I'm pushing him though. What if he doesn't even like me the way I do him? Maybe he's just being nice, because he's one of those nice guys who doesn't like hurting people's feelings... I don't know...maybe I should back off, but I really like him...I swear I'm cursed.
Morning of the Tour
Well I haven't slept much. Today is the start of the tour. I'm really burnt out because of my stress levels. My doctor put me on medication again for my depression. Least I don't have to see that bloody therapist again.
I really don't feel up to dealing with anyone's silly squabbles today, I plan to lay low. Possibly by doing this I won't be dragged off every 5 minutes to "talk" to someone about something dumb that isn't important.
Maybe if this method is useful I'll use it more...
Well I won't be getting much time to myself having to follow all these people around. I'm going to go mad. I talked to Matt and he promised me that he'll hook me up with some things to help me relax.
Until then I'm hopeless...
Well, unfortunately for yours truely.. I must be going. It's going to be a long day, yet an even longer tour.
I feel like my cousin condemned me to hell giving me this job....
Day Before Tour
My week was pleasant after that horrid meeting. I punched out Jennifer Ried, told off Mr. Carter... among other things. After not seeing them I was pretty at ease. Until tonight. Jennifer is a slut, and she's a hyprocit who can't keep her mouth shut. She loves to talk shit about people. I think in reality she has a low self esteem and has to put people down to make herself feel good. That's just too bad.
Well anyhow, the party was a mess..and I still hate Nick. I don't know why I invited him but I did.
Hope he doesn't mind me and his best friend liking each other......
On second thought, I do. I like pissing that weasel off. So I hope he's mad.
This nightmare is about to get a new pair of wheels and travel the country tomorrow. Yes, the tour starts.
I'm tired and intoxicated, so I'm going to sleep. More to come tomorrow.
OOC: mkay, rambling! learn bout her hahaha.. yeap, I'm not saying when these are written or anything, they're just written.. so like it
I have always idolized eccentric people; old story tellers, like my grandpa, who'd rant on for hours of the many things he'd have to do as a child, and the struggles during the depression. Sadhus covered in the ashes of their brothers. Street performers who don't care about fame and money, they're just out there doing what they love for anyone to hear, regardless of people's reactions. That's true passion. Magicians who can fool our perception and make us think that beyond science and the laws of 'real' there's anything possible, from levitating to disappearing into thin air. I love painters, their art expresses their feelings, their feelings and true emotions expressed to the whole world in a single still portrait, yet no one knows the true honest passion behind their work. Poets who rhyme and blend their words magnificently, making everyone of them roll off their tongue with such ease and such beauty that no one else could eche. These people seem to demonstrate to me ideals that I could never find amongst the throws of everyday life and society. You have to go 'below' the surface to find this world of the others, so to speak. These things held me to a pursuit of music, my one love and passion. I hold these things sacred.
So now that I've rambled and exposed some of my weaknesses, why didn't I continue my pursuit in music? I haven't. I just decided to pursuit it at a different level. I always dreamed of being on stage in front of the thousands, the heated light shining down from above, people listneing to every flowing word and strum of the guitar. Who hasn't dreamt such a thing? Well, I decided a long time ago I didn't need the fame and money for that happiness, I could play anywhere I wanted to and anyone could listen to my heart being poured out into every word if that's what they chose to do. Instead I became a tour director. I stopped real estate. Actually I hired my mom to do it for me. I'm quite established financially. As a director, I get to see what it's like for these people who are living a dream I wanted to live myself.
But I got stuck with a pop group. Yeah, not what I wanted. I wanted a band band, one who played their own instruments and sang. But whatever, it's alright. I have nothing against these men. I'm looking at it as a different view on the 'music dream'. IT's cool I suppose. Except for the fact no one is taking me too seriously. My cousin said that they're more comfortable near casual people. Why dress up in a business suit for lunch when you know they're only going to wear jeans and a t-shirt too? So what if they're the celebrities, I can dress for comfort. So I went in hip hugger jeans and one of my notorious t-shirts. It was like being invisible. I think next time I'll wear a beanie with one of those fan things on top and see if that gets attention.
Anyways...enough of that. Hopefully they'll warm up to me? Hah, with my luck.. I doubt it. My cousin told me about them, before I met them you know? And said one of them was into pranks and all of that nonsense. Hey I am too..so anyhow, I think I tipped over the wrong one's chair. What was I supposed to do, stand up and ask wich one got in trouble the most for retarded gag jokes? Hahahahhaa...that'd be a good first impression.
So anyway, I took my first set of earrings and stretched them from a 14 gauge to a 4. I can now fit pens through them. How bout that? They're still a bit sore, but damn...they look cool. My 2nd set is sore from the repeircing, and damn.. I'm just killing my cartilage aren't I? Well that's what you get for having 12 ear peircings.
I'm debating on a lip or tongue ring, we'll see how it goes. After all I gotta heal from the three navel rings. They're shaped as a triangle.
Why do people hate body modification? I think it looks spiffy. Anyway I'm off to torture myself some more. I don't see how people can necessarily say icing down something that's sore will help. When you take the ice off it only hurts worse. I tihnk they just enjoy watching people be dumb and hurt themselves.
Until next time...
okay guys, not being miles for a moment..I'mma warn you, I'll probably have her vent in this lol.. but she's not the super rude person you all probably thought she was.. from pushing nick over in his chair to chewing hope out.. they just aren't taking her serious :( and that could be a bad move lol.. but every once in a while.. I might do a post that doesn't deal with anything about the other people and just focus on her...it's her diary right? yeah okay.. well yanno.. in diaries is where you learn about people..sooo you're going to learn damnit, from silly things like dying her hair, to why she's so uptight bout some things... just deal with it or don't read the diary. (see where she gets her attitude?) lol.. nah, I'm a nice person...a goof ball... but I'm nice.. don't take me for being a dumb @$$ because I'm a helluva lot smarter than I act... okay yeah so anyhow, you've been warned. Oh yeah... sometimes you might see poetry or sayings or stuff.. you know you all do it.. just deal with it.. cuz iiiii love writing junk down.. I used to have a live journal and if I wasn't out and about in the town doing stuff, and i happend to be online, i'd post A LOT of stuff... okay, but yeah.. keep it in mind.. or else! lol
.. I need a nicname for her.. any suggestions?
I hate my job...
I'm still new at my job. So anyhow, I'm sitting here in the back of this resturant waiting for my first clients to show up. My cousin (Who got me into this job) said that I'd be working with an amazing exciting group. Why'd he lead me on to think it'd be rock music or something? PLEASE! PRIMER 55 OR SOMEBODY! But no... guess who I get to work with? Yep.. that's right ;) the pop kings themselves........AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I swear I will KILL Kyler after this job.. They're all late! Disrespecting me man..
Okay so maybe I'm being a bit harsh.. but I mean, I've never listened to pop (voluntarily) I'm hard core rock and stuff... yanno Warp Tour, OzzFest..you get the drift.. I haven't met these boys...okay that sounds wierd.. I haven't met these YOUNG MEN, (Better?) but I have a feeling we'll bump heads.
I can't stand being all googily goo and giddy all the time.. okay but yeah, I'm rambling now.. I never thought I'd be weird enough to start writing in a journal, but yanno..things happen.
I just hope they're easy to get along with.. But with my luck they'll all hate me...ehhh.. oh well.. I'll find something productive to do.
I got a new shirt today...yes, you must know.. It says 'Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you'. Suits most cases right? Well that's another one to my notorious t-shirt collection. Gotta go, if no one shows up I'm leaving.
ps. Ey, ever wonder if people find these things and read them? Well if they do... SCREW YOU PAL!! BUT MY JOURNAL DOWN NOW!!