*DISCLAIMER - I typically post these stories on VN boards. This last story has gotten me some... hate tells Please bare in mind that there stories are both from real experiences in the game along with a good deal of fiction. I make fun of EVERYONE. If I haven't made fun of you yet, just wait." I decided after my many encounters with the french that perhaps it was time for a change of scenery. So I headed on over to the ice island in hope of escaping the ubiquitious sitting death bug. Well, once I finally got there, I spent a good deal of my time looking around for something to kill. Eventually I came upon a pretty nice camp that had some griffons. There were even a couple of dwarves there that were nice enough to let me group with them. We were pretty quiet at first. That's always been a pet peeve of mine, quiet groups. But I was thinking that they too might be french... So I tried to start up a conversation. me: "1 heR3 2 Keel u!" dwarf1: "ah! Thath is THO not roleplaying!! I can't believe he thaid that Hans!" Hans: "Yah Frans, me either! Lithin to uth Pellinore, we don't speak sthpeak like that! Gaw! You need to learn to roleplay like uth dwarves!" me: "Oh I'm so sorry! I thought you were maybe french and that's why you were being so quiet! All I've met have been french people really and it's really hard on the conversation." Frans: "French? Wow, I with I could meet thome french!" Hans: "Would that be just thpetacular Frans? This Human ith kinda cute though, don't you think??" Frans: "Yah, yummy! Thay human, do you have a guild??" Pellinore: "Well, some day, if they ever fix that sitting death bug, I'll buy a try and start a guild called Lords of Life! LoL for short." Frans: "Why not Lords of Love??" Hans: "Ya! Lords of Love, you are THOOO funny Frans, that's why I love you!" Frans: "I love you too! Hans!" At this point they kept spamming socials like "blow kiss" and "faint" and "hug" and "propose". It was very distrubing really. I patiently waited for it to peter off off. Hans: "Tho, anyway. Pellinore, I think you'd REALLY like our guild. We have 3 requirementh. 1. You have to be a dwarf - we make exceptions for hotties like you though. 2. You have to like to roleplay - " Frans: "Yeah, I love roleplaying with you Hans." Hans: "Yeah, my little sweat candy, I know you do! - and 3. You must be a boy!" me: "So it's an all male dwarf club basically? Like a fraternity or something?" Frans: "Yah, or thomething..." This comment was followed with about 3 minutes of rolling of the floor laughing animations, laughing out louding and laughing animations. I started getting alittl suspicious at this point... me: "So what about female dwarves, isn't that a little unfair for them?" Hans and Frans just looked at each other for a moment. Frans: "Um, there are no female dwarves..." Hans: "Frans can dresth up and look just like one! Except for the facial hair... Rawr!" me: "Um... I think I might have to pass on it... thanks for the invite." At this point I was hoping that I know some people that weren't french so I could come up with an excuse for leaving. Frans: "Now now, you haven't even theen our thity yet!! You'd LOVE our thity!" Hans: "Yeah, I think you'd REALLY enjoying going to visit our, hehe, trainer there, the Dutch Oven." Frans: "Oh yeah! The Dutch Oven ith by far the best building! We have weekly gatheringth there to, you know roleplay..." Hans: "Yeah, we're altho petitions WP tho that we can get barbara strythan and village people to be our back ground muthic!" me: "I'm SO sorry guys, but I think I have to go now... I need to, umm bank all this cash I have..." Frans: "Oh don't leave!!!" Hans: "Yeah! We just want to be your friend!!" I started running at this point. They actually followed me! I had to hit the spring button to finally get away. So I guess a dwarf roleplaying guild is out for me. I kept thinking about the encounter and wonder if I'd ever see those dwarves again. I have to admit they were pretty friendly people. I mean really friendly. Excessively friendly. The hugging was okay, but when they started squeezing my butt I probably should have gotten suspicious. Anyway, I was a little distracted and returned to my original plan of heading for town to bank cash and try another different camp. Then, out of no where I heard someone yelling at me. voice1: "Halt Human! Or feel that wrath of my sorcerious might!!" me: "Huh? I don't see you yet, you graphics might still be loading..." voice2: "Ha! It is our superior and awesome elf magic that hides us from your view! Say now, human scum, will you pay, or will you die?" me: "What, are you firemen or something? I only have 1000 gold on me, I mean, I had a good camp until a pair of midgets tried to mount me." At this point a figured faded into view. It was an elf wearing a robe and holding 2 blades in his hands. voice1: "OOC Oh hey, might want to make sure this guy isn't allied with us?" voice2: "OOC Ah, you're right. Are you allied with our guild??" me: "No, I don't think so, I'm not really in a guild yet you see." voice1 "OOC sweet! Let's just kill him and gank his stuff, Vegeta" Vegeta: "OOC K, hold on, I'm low on mana, let's stall for a moment, better go IC, Krellin" Krellin: "OOC Oh yeah, good idea." Krellin: "Okay, I'm IC now, k?" Krellin: "Human! The crimes of your kind cannot go unpunished! You race will no longer oppressed the elven nations!" Vegeta: "Human, have you any last words??" me: "Hmm, I get a last request?" Vegeta: "Yes, it is our way!" me: "Can you please lay off the killing me then?" Krellin: "OOC Damnit, Pellinore, work with us here, okay?" Vegeta: "Yeah, Pellinore make some request like to tell your next of kin or something..." Krellin: "OOC Dude, you need to use OOC when you say things like that." Vegeta: "OOC [censored]! I forgot. I'm sorry, I'll try to remember in the future." me: "What on earth is OOC? Does it mean the same thing that WTF means?" At this point they just looked at me for a moment. Finally, Vegeta said, Vegeta: "OOC Dude, do you eat paint chips?" me: "Funny you should say that..." Krillin: "OOC Oh! don't forget the TOS Vegeta" Vegeta: "Oh crap, you're right.." Krilling: "OOC You forgot OOC ..." Vegeta: "OOC oh Damn, you'r eright, sorry. I'm goign IC now" Vegeta: "Okay human, before we can kill you we've been instructed by our illustrious and wise leaders that each victim should understand our Terms of Service, so listen well!" Vegeta: "Any action made by this sub-guild of the larger coglomerate guild is in no way a reflection of the policies or beliefs or roleplaying styles of the home guild. As a result, all damages to person, properties, and life are not the responsibility of the home guild, the said having no such liability for the behavior or actions of the sub-guild. All proceeding and royalties as a result of the subguild are the sole property of the home guild, and as such, claims against the subguild will have to be addressed to the home guild in such a way where no blame or liability may be claimed for repartions." Vegeta: "OOC did I get everything?" Krilling: "OOC You forgot, "die human scum!" Vegeta: "OOC Oh, right. IC now" Vegeta: "DIE HUMAN SCUM!" At this point I was pretty sure at the inevitable conclusion to this particular converstaion when suddenly, a miracle struck. Suddenly Vegeta died. Krillin: "OOC Damn it, freak'n theives!!!!" me: "Oh, I see i'm not the only one that suffers from the sitting bug!" I noticed a thief running away just as Krillin went into a combat stance. Murdock: "I'm doing God's Work!" Krillin: "OOC okay, that's it. I'm callin in a raid." A few moment later masses of people for different guilds arrived. At this point the chat screen was flying by so fast that The only think I kept seeing was that "OOC" thing. I was both alarmed and relieved. On the one had, it appears they were too distracted to kill me. On the other hand, I was afraid I would have to listen to the TOS for a large scale raid. Then, I felt a sharp stab of abject terror when I heard a famaliar voice. Hans: "PELLY! There you are!! We were tho worried about you!! Come meet my friendth! They're THO looking forward to meeting you!!" Frans: "Well, go figure, there the cutie I wath talking about in the first place!" Dwarf1: "Oh wow you weren't lying! he DOETH have a nith butt!! Tho tight and perky!!" Dwarf2: "Hey boyth! Leth give him a proper dwarven greating!!" Dwarf3 -dwarf 9: "Oh boy!!! Let'th get him boyth!!" There are a few things I've regreted in my life. I now regret that I did not bother to buy the traveller rune. Needless to say I spent the entire evening running from an entire nation of dwarves. I eventually just swam into the ocean to drown myself to escape them. I think it's time I go back to the desert.
Wow. Finding a guild is HARD and Hazardous work! Ever since I've hit 43 I've found it harder and harder to find a groups. Despite all the hype, Ambers is barely more than a haven for the infamous gank PKers and gank PKers don't always make the best groupmates. So I've embarked on a quest to find a guild! Believe you me, I had NO idea what I was getting into. Choosing the right guild is so important. You have to think carefully about whether the guild will stay around long enough to warrant a long term investment of time and resources... you have to be sure that they're a group of people you can have fun with and develop a good working relationship with. But, as I discovered, the most important aspect is that you need to find a group of people you're not KOS to. So I decided I'd give Lok'ri a try! Now, maybe it wasn't very wise on my part, but I've always believe that applications should be made in person. Rather than asking them over tells, or visiting their website, I just headed over to their city. While was at the traveller ring I encountered a aelfborn warrior. Warrior: "u a pk?" me: "pk?" Warrior: "u know, like LoD?" me: "LoD? what's a pk? I'm just heading up to see if I can join Lok'ri" Warrior: "...." Warrior: "Um, ur Irekei..." me: "Yeah, so?" Warrior: "Don't u know that Lok'ri is a RP lore guild?" me: "RP? Is that like PK?" Warrior: "Dude, if u go up there they'll kill you." me: "Nah, they wouldn't hurt me! I'm just going up to visit them. I'm I'll make a good impression on them." Warrior: "Heh, whatever, it's ur funeral" It occurred to me that possibly the warrior was just jealous of the fact that I was going to join so prestigious a guild. And while I wasn't entirely sure what PK or RP meant, I assumed it had something to do with sort of faction system the players have worked out. me: "well, we'll just have to see!" So I sprinted out of the rings and began the long trek up to their city. Boy, it was LONG. eventually I finally arrived that the gates of their fine city. Let me say this about Lok'ri. No matter what you may think of them, you have to admire their city. It's well designed with great geographical and built defenses. They also lock their doors. I was not prepared for this obstacle. It has always been my opinion that a locked for is counterproductive. What's the point of a door if you keep it locked? People are going to start thinking that you don't want them to enter. But rather than give up I decided I'd just try a door approach. /shout "Hello?? HEEEELLLLLLOOOOOO?? Anyone home?" Nothing /shout "Anyone here? I wanna join Lok'ri!" More silence. /shout "Come on, I just want to be friends, isn't anyone here?" Still no responce, but I did hear someone casting a fly spell. This gave me a BRILLIANT idea. Now I realize that we have a lot of preconcieved notion about "trespassing". But I figured, with all I had to offer, Lok'ri would be THRILLED for me to show the initiative and enter their city and meet them on their ground! I mean, I was really going the extra mile here. I was certain it would impress them. So, I cast fly and flew over the wall and landed next to their tree of life. And landed in the middle of a very large group of very high ranked elves. /say "Hi! My name is Mycrof and I'm interested in joining Lok'ri!" At this point everyone was just standing there staring at me. I had the distinct feeling that I was barging in on something, you know when you go over to a group of people and all of a sudden they stop talking and just look at you. That what it felt like. Everyone was just standing there, seemingly shocked. I figured they were just shocked to see such initiative in a potential recruit. I turned to one and said; /say "Hey, can you help me?" Elf1: "uh... sure... umm... I guess..." He looked distinctly confused and uncomfortible for some reason. /say "I'm interested in joining Lok'ri, what should I do?" At this his jaw dropped and it took him a few moments to recover. Honestly, how does a guild get so large when they're so shocked when people ask to join? Elf1: "I, uh, don't handle recruitment... umm, sorry I could help but notice that you're irekei..." Elf2: "What IS that red thing in our city??" The words of that Aelfborn Warrior came back to me with stunning clarity. You know when you make a big mistake, you think of all the things you could have done to avoid it? Well, it occurred to me that walking around with just irekei pants on wasn't necessarily the best fashion in this city. I suddenly longed for my Robe and Hood... and gloves. I was about to respond when all of a sudden an Elf came running toward me wielding two swords while another 4 elves began to cast nukes. Now, at this point I figured I had 2 options: 1) Recall out 2) Lie. I decided to lie. Just as the swords started swinging I made my move. /say "STOP! Owe!! That hurts!! Don't kill me! I'm and elf!! I'm an elf!!" At this they stopped and just looked at me. Elf2: "Lothorian, can we kill him please? He's clearly insane and he's trepassing in our city." Lothorian: "Mycrof, you're red skin reveals you for what you are, a foul irekei. Return then to you sands, red one!" He was about to swing again when I said, /say "No!! Stop!! I'm an elf, honest.. I'm just... sunburnt! I was hoping that you would have some calamine lotion for me in your city. Please don't you recognize a fellow elf?" Lothorian: "Oh please..." /say "Honestly! Here, I prove my elfishness to you! Ask me to do something elfish!!" Lothorian: "This is ridiculuous..." Elf1: "Okay, if you're an elf... then" Elf1 seemed to be deep in thought. He then turned to another elf. Elf1: "Hey, can you think of something sufficiently elfish?" Elf2: "Well, lets see..." me: "Well, see, if you can't think of something elfish for me to do, how do you know I'm not an elf!?!" Lothorian: "Because you're red..." At this an electrocute hit me from behind. me: "Hey, stop that!! YOu see? That's why I'm so sunburnt! People keep electrocuting me... You would turn red too!" me: "I've had it hard, HARD you hear?? You have no idea what it's like being pigmently challenged as an elf, NO IDEA!" me: "I was always the last one they chose for sports team, no one but the really wierd girls would go to dances with me.." me: "My life has been HELL, all because I sun burn easily! And now, the ultimate affront, the ultimate insult my own KIND turning against me!" Lothorian: "You are clearly insane, irekei, killing you would be the most merciful service we could provide..." me: "Fine! Kill me then! Just know that in killing me, you're kill a little bit of you're own...." Now I have to admit the next word was cheesy, but humanity didn't seem to fit in this context. me "Elfanity!" Elf1: "You know, maybe he's right... maybe it's wrong for us to kill someone just because of the color of their skin, maybe we should judge them based on their merits... maybe Mycrof really is an elf at heart." OMFG. I might actually live through this. Elf2: "Geez, it seems kind of wrong to kill someone just because they have some horrible birth defect that gives him sensitive skin..." Just as I thought I was home free.. it happened. Elf3: "Hey, weren't you that channeler in Khar adverstising to join Virakar Kurada'al?" Oh [censored]. Elf1 and Elf2: "What??" Lothorian: "Are you done yet? You're mindless rambling have gone on long enough. Let us purge our city of foul irekei?" Well, suffice it to say, all hell broke loose. I made a last ditch effort, me: "Don't kill me! I'm pregnant!!" Elf1 and Elf2 and Lothorian: "YOU'RE A MAN" Well. I guess I won't be joining Lok'ri. They have some SERIOUS aggression issues that they need to sort out. I guess my next stop will be the ice island.
(An ongoing record of Mycrof the Tainted attempts to find a guild to call home. We now find Mycrof on the frozen island trudging toward the infamous guild known only as LoD) Sometimes I ask myself if the effort of all this running is worth the potential reward of being part of a good, strong guild. Nonetheless, I am committed now to finding a guild to call home. Lately I've been feeling an urgency that I didn't before. Maybe it's because somewhere, deep down, I have a deep seated need to belong. To be part of something larger than myself. It could also have something to do with all those posters in Knightcross that says "REWARD: LOK'RI SEEKING AN INSANE IREKEI THAT HAS VIOLATED THEIR BORDERS. PREFERIBLY DEAD" Now, not only was description deflating, but the reward is just insulting. And I most certainly did NOT do anything indecent with their borders... So, inevitiably, my wanderlust brought me to this freezing hell hole of an island. In hopes of becoming a member of the mightly LoD empire. In the course of my journey to LoD keep I discovered something somewhat shocking. A lot of people really don't seem very fond of LoD. I learned this very early on. After arriving at the ice island's runegate I soon encountered a group of dwarves. Dwarf1: "Ho, Who goes there?" me: "Just me!" Dwarf2: "Who are you? Why do you lack a guild insignia?" me: "Well, obviously I don't have a guild..." Dwarf1: "I think we should kill him, Irekei have no place on our ice island - and he's probably LoD..." me: "Have you been talking with those Lok'ri?" Dwarf2: "Lok'ri are our allies, why do you ask?" me: "Ummm, no reason..." Dwarf1: "Wait a minute, I think I heard about this guy, are you the nut that waltzed into their city??" me: "I'm not a nut!" Dwarf1: "Sure you're not, many male irekei get pregnant??" me: "They, uh, remembered that, eh? Well, I was under a lot of duress at the time. I don't feel I should be responsible for anything I said there." Dwarf2: "We don't accept Irekei in our guild, btw Mycrof..." me: me: "Well, that's okay I'm just here to apply for LoD anyway" Dwarf1: "You're a PK??" Dwarf2: "Oh that's rich, YOU a PK..." Now, in all honesty, I don't really get the "PK" thing but I'm starting to get the distinct impression that it's not good. Dwarf2: "Nothing personal Mycrof, but if you're goign to be LoD You're our enemy" At this they ran towards me. Luckily My flight spell was still in effect so I just took off. me: "Listen, why don't we talk this out?" At this point I was wracking my brain about those sceminars they use to make us attend in school about handling aggression. Slowly, the steps came to me. #1: Explain how you feel... me: "When you kill me, it makes me sad. And it makes me think you don't like me." #2: Explain what you expect... me: "I really want you to stop killing me." #2: Ask them how they feel... me: "Now, tell me how you feel. Do you feel that killing me will make you happy?" At this the two dwarves stood there, seemingly stunned. I had the feeling that my approach was working. I could feel wheels turn in their heads. I could almost hear one epipheny after another *Killing is wrong!* *Hurting Mycrof won't solve our problems!* *We should talk this out* Dwarf1: "The elves were right. This irekei in nuts." Dwarf2: "Kill him is the only merciful thing to do..." me: "You guys aren't even listening to me!! We should just talk this out and express our negative emotions in a non-violent, productive way!" Dwarf2: "You can't stay up there all day..." Dwarf1: "Eventually you'll run out of stamina Mycrof, why prolong the inevitable?" #3: If all else fails, show them you care... me: "Okay guys, I didn't want to do this... but who wants a hug?" Dwarf2: "OMG" Dwarf1: "Get down here you pansy, I have a hammer that wants a close encounter with your skull." Screw highschool. They didn't teach me [censored]. At this point I noticed my stamina was getting pretty low. I decided the only option was to run away... me: "I'm sorry guys, I didn't want to do this, but..." 2 hoarfrosts and a sprint later I left the midgets in my dust. And continued my quest for the LoD keep. I had learned that it was probably wise to avoid any dwarves along the way. Eventually I arrived at my destination and was somewhat disappointed to find no one there . However, the city seemed very welcoming. The buildings had questions written on them, as though they really wanted to get to know me! One of them asked me who my daddy was, and what he did. I was so charmed by this that I instantly picked up a piece of charcoal and wrote "Henry" and "Electrical Engineer" in Big Block letters on the wall. One thing that stuck me as very odd was that, rather than stockpiling weapons in their towers, they had piles and piles of potatos. Yes, Potatos. I then entered the church to speak with the banker. As I neared the Bursar I felt something dig into my back and some grab me behind. And heard a hissing voice say into my ear voice: "You tred on sacred ground! Name 5 things which are made of the holy vegetable or perish." me: "What!?!? What Vegetable? I'm just here to join LoD!!" voice: "Cretin! We do not take the holy vegetable's name in vain! If you truly desire to join us, You will instinctively know of WHAT vegetable I speak!" Well. That's wierd. Then I remembered the potatos in the tower. Feverishly I tried to remember 5 dishes made of potatos. Me: "Um, uh... Mashed Potatos, Scalloped Potatos, French Fries... and um... " I felt the dagger dig into my back voice: "That is only 3!!! You have only a few more moments to save your life, infidel!" Me: "HASH BROWNS! and um, uh, umm, oh god, oh god, what am I forgetting..." voice: "DIE INFIDEL!" Me: "TATTER TOTS!" At this he froze. voice: "Very well. You may live. For now. If you truly desire to be among us, you must become indoctrinated into the way of the potato." voice: "The potato is a great and power vegetable. Worthy of awe and respect. It is as a pheonix, once buried in the ground, it again springs forth!" me: "So, where do you keep your potato trees?" Voice: "Ah, you have much yet to learn young one. Come with me. I will show you the countance of our god." Well. I have to admit. If anything, this was by far the most creative guild I've encountered so far. Potato God? He led me into a large building that was dark and lined with row after row of pews. At the end of the dimly light room was an alter that held a small idol. As I drew closer to the small figurine became it's features became distinct. Assassin: "Behold, our god!" I noticed a small figure next to the idol. me: "Whose that next to him?" Assassin: "His Archeron, Sara Lee!" I examined the figurines more carefully. Now the "idol" was to say the least unique. It had a oblong body with huge, bulbous shoes on which it stood. It's arms were long and thing and ended in overly large gloves. He had a large roman nose with overly large eyes that were mounted by thick spectacles. His mouth was a cherry red that spanned across his face in a goofy grin. Atop his head was a overly large, brown hat. I instantly recognized him from my youth. me: "You worship Mr. Potato Head (TM)?" Assassin: "You will NEVER speak that name again! It is not your place to say the name of the most holy potato!" me: "uh huh..." Assassin: "He has filled us with a vision, Mycrof. Unlike others, we do not seek conflict. We are peacable and wish only to spread the word of the potato!" Assassin: "But we must spread the kingdom of our Potato God, this requires more land for our massive potato plantations! As a result, sacrifices must be made! The world must be purged of unbelievers so that there is room for the millinia of farming to begin! Yes, the earth must be watered with the blood of the evil dwarves, who rape the potato-dedicated soil, and of the hateful elves, who seek only to destroy the spirit of the potato. Many many many r1s and r2s must also die! Just because!" Mycrof: "Well, that's... nice." Assassin: "Nice? No Mycrof, it's paradise! Imagine - the world united under the crest of great potato!" Assassin: "Many people erronously assume that our crest is of a hooded mask, but no! It is merely a representation of the awesome potato!" This Assassin was scaring the crap out of me. The truth is... I don't even like potatos, except for french fries and tatter tots. Oh, Mashed potatos are good too. Suddenly there was a big commotion outside and I heard someone yell. LoD1: "WHO THE HELL WROTE GRAFFITI ALL OVER THE BARRACKS??" Uh oh. Assassin: "Oh hey, what's up?" LoD1: "Hey, whose in there with you? Are you feeding him the bullshit about that stupid potato thing again?" Assassin: "I was bored..." LoD2: "Huh? You haven't killed him yet?" Assassin: "No, right now I'm just scaring the crap out of him..." LoD1: "I want to know who the hell wrote all over our buildings!" me: "Um... there were some dwarves here earlier... One of them had charcoal all over their hands!" Thank goodness my red skin doesn't hold stain well... LoD2: "Those Bastards, sounds like we need to ream some more midgets" Assassin: "Hey, that sounds like fun, can I come?" LoD1: "Sure, are you nearly done in there?" Assassin: "Sure, just a second..." He then turned and looked at me. Assassin: "Honestly, what were you thinking coming here uninvited? You must either be incredibly stupid or increbibly naive. Either way. You're dead." Me: "But... What about the potato??? Isn't this a holy sanctuary?? You can't kill me here!" Assassin: "STFU. I just led you in here so I could lock you in." *sigh* Here we go again. me: "Wait, let's talks this out..." Unfortunately, he didn't stop to hear me out. Well. Despite the set back, I'm still not giving up on them. I have to say, that potato talk kind of got me stirred up and stuff... Maybe, just maybe, there is some fact to that fiction!
Wow, everyday you learn something new! Whether it's how to tie your shoe or describe a holliday junction, it all adds to the sum total of our knowledge. Today I learned french. It wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it was. And it's really made me respect the french cultural in general. I mean, who else has come up with such a interesting and unique way of conversation! Essentially it happened like this. Once again I was at the Orc rocks, minding my own business, benevolently killing orcs when this guy come along says: "U rdy 2 dy?" Remember my previous encounters with individuals that spoke that language, I immediately ascertained that this person was french. "Sorry, I don't speak french, do you know any English?" I said. "Wat?? WTF u b Syg?? 1 heR3 to Keel u, punk!" "Hmm, I got punk and to, is that all the English you know??" Here's where I tried to remember some of the french my girlfriend tried to teach me, hoping I'd be able to open a dialog with this fellow. "Parley vu Ingles? Oui??" "STFU u NOOb!!" I guess Parley vu Ingles didn't mean what I thought it meant, because he attacked me! Well, I didn't feel it would be right for me to hit him back and maybe even kill him seeing as I obviously had said something rude and inflamatory to him. So he killed me, and I respawned at Ambers. Well, that didn't go as I had planned and I was a little bummed by the whole ordeal. By the time I got back he had left. So I decided to cut my loses and start killing again. A little while later yet another french person showed up! This time he didn't really say anything. It must have been pretty bright because he kept shading his eyes. It was about then I noticed that after 20 kills I still hadn't gotten any gold. I was certain that I had looted some! I came to the conclusion that I must have been bugged. It was only fair to warn my silent friend about the bug, just in case he got it. "Hey, I think I'm bugged, I don't seem able to loot gold, know anything about the bug?" "Bug?" "Yeah, I can't seem to loot anything - well I loot something and then it disappears from my inventory" "Wat, us Stoopid or Sumthn? "Oh, sorry I don't speak french, do you speak any english??" "WTF is ur problem? U a nOOb or wat?" I was at that critical stage again. Rather than make the same mistake as last time, I decided to try something different. "1 heR3 2 Keel u!" I said, hoping for the best. "DooD, ur 2 ranks lwr... I RoxOR u if u try 2 b h8n on me" Now we were making head way! I was so proud of myself! It was my first real french sentence and, while I had no idea what it meant, I felt as though I had bridged a massive barrier, that I had spanned the language barrier! I decided to try again, this time doing a little mix and match. "I RoxOR u, nOOb." Says I. "WTF!?! DoOd, u sToopid or Sumthin. Go Keel Sum MOr orc fo Me." WTF seemed to be one of those articles common in other languages. like "ang" in tagalog, so I tried something new. "WTF!?! U rdy 2 Dy?" I said. I could really feel a bond form between me and this anonymous french person. And I sat down, feeling pleased with myself. "K, Dat'S it, u Ded now." He vanished from view and a few moments later something hit me for over 1k damage and I was back in Amber. It must have been another one of those bugs. You'd think after 2 years of beta they'd be able to fix something a serious as a bug that kills you when you SIT, sheesh. I felt kind of bad leaving my friend alone there, the world being as dangerous as it is, so I sent him a tell. /tell "I'm on the way back, Could you please loot my corpse and hold to my things for me?" he replied "SuR DooD. I LewtD ur Corpse Already." /tell "Wow! You understood me! I must say, I'm impressed that you french people understand english so well. It seems unfair that so many other cultures learn to understand our language when so few of us understand theirs!" he then replied "WTF U 3mokIn'?" /tell "Ah, I guess understanding English and speaking english are different things. What's your location." /reply "Umm, Y dOn't u Giv me Ur Loc?" I stared at that statement for a while. I got Loc, which obviously meant location. I ascertained that he wanted to come to me. The french keep amazing me with their willingness to go the extra mile to help. /tell "I'm at 321 123, thanks! I'll be in the bank cleaning. I have some stuff to sell." /reply ".... U Eat Paint chips or sumthin?" He must have heard that in an American movie and obviously didn't know it was an offensive thing to suggest, so instead I changed the subject. /tell "I really want to thank you for teaching me some french. When I got this game I didn't realize there would be so many people from different cultures!" I'm sure he was going to respond but a few minutes later I got hit by that damnable sitting death bug and lost all the gold I had in the bank . I hope WP fixes that soon.
This just in, reports are streaming from numerous sources that the massively successful MMORPG Everquest has declared war on Shadowbane and are invading. The invasion began earlier this morning. Hold on... just a moment... Yes! We have a interview coming in from one of our in field reporters, live via satellite feed - Pellinore, can you hear me? (You see the city of Khar, Jammed packed with refugees. Out side the gate you see Pellinore standing with a army camoflauge jacket and holding a microphone) P: "Hello Rick, are we live?" R: "Yes Pellinore, we are currently live, can you describe what you are seeing?" P: "Well, All hell has broken lose. Khar is currently under siege by a coalitation of players from the gaming universe EQ from across several servers. Aparrantly the siege began earlier this morning with several groups were ported in via their druid or wizard transports at the rune gate. Right now we're on the way to have an interview with the leaders of this invasion force, we'll let you know when we've arrived safetly, back to you." R: "Thankyou, Pellinore. This is apparantly another force is moving towards the city of Knights Cross. Now we'll go to one of our correspondents there - Mycrof?" (A fuzy image of a red irekei wearing only irekie pants comes into view. He stands on top of the Knight Crossing's battlements on the north gates. In the distance you see camp fires.) M: "Rick, can you hear me?" R: "Yes, Mycrof, you're coming in loud and clear>" M: "Are we not live yet?" R: "We're live Mycrof, can you - " M: "Hello? Are we on air yet?" R: "Mycrof - M: "Are we live yet?" R: "We seem to be experiencing some techincial difficulties. While we wait for the feeds to get through, we have some streaming news to -" M: "Okay Rick, I think we got it fixed." R: "Great, okay, Mycrof, can you describe what is happening?" M: *Stands there waiting* R: "Mycrof?" M: "Oh, sorry, okay, we're live. Let's make this a good one folks. Turn the camera on - how do I look?" Cameraman: "We're rolling" M: "You Fu- uh, I mean. Hello Rick. Things are chaotic and the tension is high here at KC. The coalitions forces have surrounded the city and have currently been making incuriary attacks but have been keeping their primary forces at bay." R: "Can you describe the attacks?" M: "Well, it's the wierdest thing. They keep sending one man, wearing from what I can see only cloth armor, and holding 2 sticks who comes up, throws what appears to be a shuriken at one of our guards, and then immediately runs away. Part way back to the enemy forces he suddenly just falls over, apparantly dead." R: "Could it be that the invaders are not suited to breath in our atomsphere and simply die from the exertion?" M: "Well Rick, we thought that may be the case, but the person seems to recover pretty quickily, Hold on, Oh God, it's and attack!?" /shout ">>>>INCOMING ARCHER GUARD<<<<" /shout2 "Wait for the assist!" /shout2 "Is chat still down?" M: "Are you getting this???" The camera man pans to the actions. You see an large figure loom over the archer holding 2 glowing swords, one red and the other blue. /shout2 "ASSIST ---=> Archer Guard <=--- ASSIST" /shout3 "COMPLETE HEAL, 10 SECONDS, CLERIC 2 START IN 5!!" /shout "ALL MELEE IN!" /shout4 "COMPLETE HEAL, 10 SECONDS, CLERIC 3 START IN 5!" /shout2 "ALL NUKE HARD NOW! WATCH FOR RAMPAGE!!" /shout4 "Are we pulling yet?" /ooc1 "WOOT! HAHAHA! Archer Guard PWNED! What he drop??" /ooc2 "Loot will be awarded by the point system. Main looter, examine the corpse." /ooc3 "Bah, this is crap loot, not even a fine steel weapon. Okay, whoever wants a bow, random 100 900" 648 456 997 234 543 264 245 143 234 101 234 553 754 /ooc "LOL, I Suck! 101!" /ooc5 "Umm, who rolled 997??" /ooc3 "This sucks! I never win anything! Why don't we use the point system??" /shout2 "Calm down, the good stuff will probably drop off the KC boss." (Camera pans back to Mycrof whose standing there with a dumbfounded look) M: "What the hell just happened?? Holy crap, are they idiots? Don't they know everyone can hear them..." /shout1 "CAMP CHECK?" /shout2 "KC" /shout3 "KC" /shout4 "KC" /shout5 "Emporer Crushbone" /shout2 "LOL!!" /shout1 "ROFL!" M: "Rick, I have to say, this is the wierdest siege I've ever experienced. Not only are they doing nothing to hide their communication, but they're apparantly all retards." /shout3 "Can any1 KEI?" /ooc4 "INC MGB KEI 30seconds" /ooc1 "Hello?? I've been asking for Haste for like 5 minutes now!" M: "This is really... something..." /shout1 "Okay, get ready for next pull, we don't want it it respawn - holy crap, it's back already! Anyone keep time on this??" /shout2 "Sorry, I will next time.." R: "I'm sorry Mycrof, Pellinore has just arrived at the enemy camp, and is coming to us live with an interview with the coalition's leader" R: "Pellinore?" P: "Yes Rick, I'm here live with the leader of the invading forces, Tofumalo" Tofumalo: "You a GM?" P: "A what?" Tofumalo: "Oh you must be starting an event, Cool! I thought all guides and GMs names were green though." P: "Huh?" Tofumalo: "This is a cool expansion. I didn't like LoY, and PoP was okay, but it got boring. This is almost like a whole new game!" P: ".... Um, huh, well. I'm here to interview you about you invasion of khar and KC." Tofumalo: "Oh, is this a roleplaying even. Wow, will we get a story on the sony live sight??" P: "I'm sorry, I'm a little confused.." Guard1: "I think he wants you to play along with him." Tofumalo: "Oh, right. Well, We have come from our home land of Freeport and now seek to spread the domination of the Freeport Militia to this land!" P: "Freeport!?! But why? Why would you attack us?" Tofumalo: "Because umm... Oh crap, take to Hottie. She's good at roleplaying." (There's a sound in a back ground and a dark purple female walks into view wearing a red robe and holding a staff that resembles a serpent) P: "Is hottie your public relations person?" Tofumalo: "Something like that..." Hottie: "We have come to reft the life from all those who refuse to bow down to Innoruuk!" P: "Whose he?" Hottie: "Behold his likeness!" At this she lifts up her robe and exposes here stomach which has a tattoo of the face of a very ugly person with a long long pointy nose. You notice the camera is nearly dropped. P: "Oh WOW!" Hottie: "You have seen his face, it is good you know the one who sows seeds of hatred and will destroy you're civilization!" P: "Oh sorry, Could I get another look please? I think I missed the face..." Hottie: "No you may not..." P: P: "Umm, well, Hottie, Your armies tactics has confused us. You apparantly only kill one of our guards or players at a time. Isn't this awfully slow?" Hottie: "We don't want to wipe... A CR is a pain here... Do you know how hard it is to get in this zone?" P: "No, not really.. zone?" Hottie: "Well, you have to defeat ALL the gods, and get to the boss in the Plane of Time! THEN we had to buy this new expansion call "EQ Invasions!" And each time we tried to get into this zone we kept getting this "Server is Busy" message." P: "So, on your planet, is there water?" At this a lizard named Monkeeeeee runs in. Monkeeeee: "This zone sucks, the drops are crappy here and the respawns are way to fast. They need to nerf this zone..." Tofumalo: "Hmm, maybe this guy has a drop, he's a named isn't he?" Hottie: "looks like it to me, what's he con to you? Let me DC his pet" P: "Pet, what pet?" Cameraman: "As you wish, oh spendid one!" At this the camera lens repeatdly hit Pellinore in the face. P: "Will you stop that!" Tofumalo: "This is taking too long, better haste your pet." A cameraman is infused with the spirit of shissar. The camera lens being to move so fast it blurs. P: "Oh this is just stupid, back to you Rick." R: "Thanks Pellinore... Tell the Cameraman he's fired. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just gotten word that a large force of Silent Tribe members are now moving towards KC to intercept the invasion force, we now switch to mycrof." M: "So anyway, I told her that it wasn't always that size, it was just cold, and that makes it shrink. I'm pretty sure she believe me too, cause she gave me that, you know kind of 'knowing' smile -" Cameraman: "We're live, Mycrof" M: "How long have we been rolling???" Cameraman: "Since you've were talking about shrinkage." M: "GOD DAMN YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR SORRY ASS YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU NEVER WARN ME! I SWEAR I'M GOING TO -" R: "Um Mycrof, hows it look out there?" M: "Oh, uh *Cough*" M: "Well, the enemy force has been pulling the same archer guard for the last hour. Nothing new." /Shout1 "This sucks, no Drops!" /ooc2 "Hey, anyone check on emporer lately?" M: "Oh, looks a large force of Silent Tribe has just arrived and is engaging the enemy." /druid1 "CHOOO CHOOO TRAIN CHOOO CHOOO, MOVE IT OR LOSE IT!" /shout2 "Thnx for the warning jerk!" /shout3 "This is why drOOds are nOObs!" /shout2 "U SUX, drOOd!" /shout4 "YOUR HEALER IS UNDER ATTACK!!" /ooc1 "Damn, who keeps breaking my messes??" /ooc2 "AE AE AE!!" /shout1 "ALL MONKS AND SK FD! CLERICS CAMP OUT!" SilentTribe1: "Okay, if ganking all the rank2s and camping the city wasn't enough to kill you, the fact you spam so much is." /shout2 "OMFG, THESE MOBS ARE GM CONTROLLED!" /ooc1 EVAC EVAC EVAC!! At this, chunks of the army begin to vanish. M: "What the hell just happened?" ....Meanwhile back near Khar.... Hottie: "This pet sucks." Tofumolo: "Yeah, no kidding. It's taking forever..." Pellinore: "I swear, if you hit me with that camera lens one more time I'm going to take it and shove it so far up your ass that you'll have to focus with you epiglotis..." Monkeee: "Umm, half the raid just recalled to freeport." Tofumolo: "WHAT??" Monkeee: "Apparantly they were attacked by a GM controlled train." Tofumolo: "No [censored]?" Hottie: "Hey, the rangers are saying there's a large force of red skinned drow coming." Pellinore: "Okay, that's it, give me that camera." Tofumolo: "Hmm, we don't have enough to handle all those adds. Let's all evac out and reschedule after our HoT raid." Hottie: "k, i'll tell the leaders." Suddenly the Camera jostles around the room. You hear the tearing sound of cloth and a close up of the camera man's butt just before everything goes black. As the feed is lost, you only hear a very startled gasp.
