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[Gimmicks...gimmicks...gimmicks. What in God's name could we suit Jake up with this time? I can't even begin to count, well, not on these 10 fingers, how many gimmicks and looks that man has gone through. The question is...when will he find one that he can stick with? Well…as of this moment…the answer to that very question is the solitary goal in the works. Jake Douglas is actually getting help from a nice little group of rather successful writers. One of which isn’t really a writer, but a FORMER DRWF Eternal champion, better known as Virus. But he has got his bunch of tag alongs that helped him with his gimmick, and they are working ever diligently to get Jake on track and on the path to winning! Ah…the sweet sound of such a commodity makes my mouth water…imagine what it would do to Jake? I mean…lets review here. He’s been shot down every time he’s gotten close to the top. There’s been a list being compiled for quite some time now, covering such superstars as Falcon, Jason Rothchild, Hawk Hendricks, Steve Dart, and even this federation’s own Jeff Jericho! My goodness, when will the madness end? When will Jake pick up a victory over one of these legends? Only time, and this promo, will tell! As long as they can re-package the man formally known as “The Pinnacle of Perfection” with a new gimmick. But before we can get to that…we’ll need a scene. Hmmm…let’s see…what would be suiting for such an occasion? Ah yes! How about Virus’s house, in Boston, Massachusetts? Sounds fitting. Here we go. Virus, with his right ankle resting on his left knee, is fingering through some old photographs. Combinations of nodding and head shaking give us a signal that he has mixed feelings for whatever it is that’s he’s looking at. Jake walks in, sporting the usual UNC wear, his favorite college team, and nursing a beer. He takes a seat on the couch not too far from the chair Virus is occupying.] Jake Douglas: What's goin' on...FORMER champ?
Virus: Mmm...mmm...MMM! These pictures are pathetic my friend...simply PATHETIC!
Jake Douglas: Ahh...c'mon...don't be so hard on me.
Virus: But I must! That's how you get tough...
Jake Douglas: Well...
Virus: Mentally AND physically mind you.
Jake Douglas: I'm tough. Don't pay attention to that stupid narrator. I stole him from some old Steve Dart promo.
Virus: Oh yeah...the guy who looks like me. Well...that fact is...you're not tough.
Jake Douglas: How would you know? I am so tough.
Virus: Not WORLD title tough.
Jake Douglas: Well I guess you're right on that one.
Virus: Of course. I remember IOA.
Jake Douglas: Same here...don't remind me!
Virus: Well the fact is...looking over these pictures...I can tell that you TOTALLY change with the gimmick.
Jake Douglas: No way. I've been the same Jake Douglas for over three years now.
Virus: On the contraire my good friend...I remember when you were just that skinny kid, with stringy and greasy hair...not to mention...*gasp!* a lackey! That was your "I wanna be cool" phase.
Jake Douglas: Oh right. Can't forget the trendy chapter. Good thing I grew out of that quickly.
Virus: I hate to say it...but you still have yet to finish the chapter of trend.
Jake Douglas: What!?
Virus: Must I say it?
Jake Douglas: Say what?
Virus: Ye Olde 65% width table!
Jake Douglas: Uh...what!?
Virus: The table! It's only like 65% width...you dope!
Jake Douglas: Oh that.
Virus: That's your last hurtle.
Jake Douglas: *Thinks for a second* Wait a minute! It's 75%! Not 65%! Pay attention dummy!
Virus: Oh, sorry. Slight mis-calculation.
Jake Douglas: Yeah, you almost had me. But 75% is fine! Right?
Virus: Yeah, I thought it was 65%, you would have been in trouble then. But you're in the clear now!
Jake Douglas: Good to hear.
Virus: Indeed. And now...all you need is a gimmick.
Jake Douglas: More than anything else!
Virus: And I have JUST the thing for you.
Jake Douglas: Oh really? Tell me what it is!
Virus: Ok. Here's the deal. Notice how I had so much success in DRWF? I was up for heel of the year for God sakes! Not to mention, I won the FTW title in a card game.
Jake Douglas: Can't forget the Eternal title.
Virus: Right, right.
Jake Douglas: So what are you trying to tell me?
Virus: Use MY gimmick stupid!
Jake Douglas: Uhhh...
Virus: You know...the World domination thing?
Jake Douglas: OOOOHHHH YEEEAAAHHH!!!
Virus: ....
Jake Douglas: ....
Virus: Well?
Jake Douglas: I don't know how to be a dictator!
Virus: And that's where I come in! You're SO lucky to have me as a friend.
Jake Douglas: Ok...what do I do first?
Virus: Hmmm...you need a cow skin.
Jake Douglas: A cow skin...?
Virus: A COW SKIN! A WHIP! Are you mad? How can you...
Jake Douglas: SORRY! Ok...I got it. What's next?
Virus: You need a few minorities to smack around. Ones with names like "Ganesh", "Tysheed", and "Julio".
Jake Douglas: Ahhh...this is getting good...keep going.
Virus: And a band of ruffians with clever, witty names that make fun of wrestlers AND famous world dictators at the SAME time!
Jake Douglas: Example.
Virus: Well the ones I use are Benito MouSalensky and Saddam JustinSane.
Jake Douglas: Wow...clever.
Virus: No kidding. Took them forever to come up with those names.
Jake Douglas: Ok, we'll keep these little lessons going, sound good? But I got stuff to do.
Virus: More important than gimmicks 101?
Jake Douglas: ...Much more...I've got a promo to cut.
Virus: Ah...I gotcha. I've got things to do as well.
Jake Douglas: Since when?
Virus: Since now.
Jake Douglas: And what's more important than viewing a Jake Douglas promo?
Virus: Going on a date with Jacky, that's what.
Jake Douglas: Jacky? New sex buddy?
Virus: Nope, same old Jacky i've known for so many years.
Jake Douglas: Well where you two love birds heading?
Virus: www.sluttywhoreslikemedancinginpeanutbutterwithanineiron.com
Jake Douglas: K.........
[Virus heads out of the room, with a role of one ply toilet paper. Jake just tries to block the image out of his mind and get to the task at hand...his very first W3 promo!]
James E. “Mutha Fuckin” White…Let me just explain my case here. I’m sure you, with your broken body, have been waiting around all week just to hear me speak my part. Either that, or you’re just another “immature” type that doesn’t want any elucidation…you just want to get down to the ass kicking. Well whatever the case is…I could care less…because I am going to clarify things regardless. Like I stated previously, in my book, it’s mandatory to make a good first impression. There is no choice but to leave your mark upon your arrival…or else all your victories from that point on will be considered “upsets”…trust me…I’ve learned the hard way. So…I chose you, of all the names, why? Of every many signed with this promotion, I have chosen you, JEW. Is it because your name is of a religion that I don’t agree with or spit on? No, that’s not it at all. Is it because your face is gracing my nightmares due to an ugly factor which I have not seen in many years? No, but that’s close. Here…let me skip the rest of the rhetorical questions and get to the point. It’s simple…the reason is because wherever I go…which ever federation I chose to sign with, it seems as though you’re there already or are on your way. EVERY single time. I’ve had to put up with your nonsense in both my SWF runs, not to mention xW. And each of those times, without hesitation, you proceed to harvest more accolades, prestige and spotlight with your “hardcore” persona. How that could ever appeal to any sane fan or critic is beyond me, but it’s something I have to live with. When will the people see your lack of talent? Every time you’re placed into a big time match you fault…just see SWF and Jason Rothchild. You weren’t even a challenge. You were just there to fill what spot what could have been mine at the last minute. You know exactly what I am talking about. You remember my shot against Rothchild for the SWF World Heavyweight title, where I wasn’t even pinned, but rather graced with a strain of bad luck when NothingFace was pinned in that epic triple threat match. Where was my rematch? Where was my second chance? It was given to you, and instead I was given that washed up, and thankfully retired bag of bones Falcon to deal with. You have got all your chances out of what I lack, a gimmick, but the fact is, every time you get that chance or shot, you fail, due to the fact that you lack what I possess…talent in every other aspect.
Given that your specialty is the stipulation this coming Sunday at One Night Stand, I’m sure that in every one’s mind, including yours, you’ve got the advantage. Am I right? Were you just planning on considering this “just another match to your favor”? Is it going to be “right up your alley”? If you answered yes to all of these questions, then it is my pleasure to assure you that you couldn’t be more wrong. However many street fights or brawls you’ve won…however many weapons you like to carry around and smash over people’s craniums…won’t make a bit of difference. You see, I’m going to do you a big favor right here…I’m going to let you in on a little something that you might have been dying to hear. I’ll enlighten you on my strategy, because of the simple fact that there is no way you can turn such a full proof plan against me, given your limitations in real wrestling. I won’t let this get out of hand because of MY limitations in the art of senseless brutality via a foreign object made legal in such a match. I don’t need to get “dirty” with a pile of armaments to win a match, I just apply my God given talent, still on loan mind you, and I’ve got a recipe for the big, juicy, proverbial “W”…where as you on the other hand have to resort to such barbaric tactics in order to come up with a win…and you’ve racked them up with nothing but cheap victories, be them by weapon or the execution of a maneuver onto a weapon, which is still an assist might I add. Where is the pride in such acts? How could you ever be proud of yourself, knowing that you can’t win a match over a wrestler the caliber of myself? Maybe that’s just another part of your “gimmick”…being perfectly satisfied with cheap, shameful and undeserved victories to your credit. Actually being swollen with pride and conceited after having all sorts of hardcore accolades to your belt. Being built up as a hardcore icon…how the hell do you even sleep at night man? Whatever it is…I surely don’t need it or want it, I’ll leave such abnormal behavior up to you.
I won’t make any promises, I won’t build myself up for big, sparkling World championships, and I surely won’t utter that ever familiar line that goes something like this…”I will take this fed my storm!”. No, no, you don’t have to worry about such things at this point in my WWW career. The future is important, but at this stage…I’m focused on leaving my opening mark, and going from there. That doesn’t include void promises that will lead to nowhere…it includes the likes of one JEW. The likes of such a man that will never take the responsibilities of doing his duty of actually upholding an image of greatness. A man that is just wasting what could be mine…a place in the clouds or the sun. A man who has triggered something within me that just gives me an unrelenting anger…and a yearning for teaching a lesson in how to arrange your priorities and morals. Such a struggle will have it’s casualties, and hopefully, they won’t be the weapons that JEW is planning on using…it will be JEW himself for wanting such un-needed viciousness to take place. But the jagged truth is JEW, you’ll be a martyr of another kind. You’ll rather die for what you believe in, that being your hardcore style and way of life, without even getting a chance to use it “one last time”. Rather, you’ll fall to the adversity which I am planning on unleashing on you…you’ll crack and crumble under pressure. You will fall once again to failure, and then your true struggle will begin, while my time of prosper begins. You’ll hear your calling, to give this business up and do us all a favor, and to conclude a rather mind-numbing and tedious career of vulgar cruelty dished out to innocent victims. JEW…your time is nearing it’s end. The punishing of by-standers will soon cease to exist…and rather you’ll be depicted as the first in what I hope to be the long line of failed attempts at taking the “new” Jake Douglas out. Rather than continuing your un-exhilarating career, you will just be withered away into a washed up, rickety mass of useless nothing, floating through the rest of life like a pestering bulge.
Ahhh…the ever prolonging and bitter legend that is Jeff Jericho. My old nemesis. Where have you been for so long? I thought you retired…and left the bulk of the Jericho dynasty on the shoulders of your green little off spring Jeff Jericho Jr.? Yes, I remember it quite well. You left him, who you claim to have trained yourself, hence the reason he couldn’t get the job done, to take over where you left off in the International Organization of Anarchy. You let him do all the work. You dropped the workload in his lap to bear, without giving him any hint of what the consequences might be…what repercussions would lie ahead. You had to let all that rest on your conscious…and maybe that’s why you’re back? Or is it simply because you’ve grown tired with waiting around at home for your son to start bringing in the gold, as previously expected? IOA was a minor league…he didn’t get much done there besides getting a cheap win over me, his highest honor to grace him besides winning their pathetic World title, which I so ever willingly dropped once I had taken him and Z-Pac out to capture it. It had no prestige, and it’s image was practically ruined thanks to your son, Jericho. All of it was his fault, and this is the reason he is no longer showing his face, and has given the job back to old, faithful dad. One of the living legends to sign the W3 dotted line, and one in a line of lime-light hogging “wannabe legends”. You really consider yourself a legend? Or is that just a title you bestowed upon yourself? What an argument, and I’m sure you’ll see to it that you’re indeed the “definition” of a legend…but on the contraire. What true legend would build his legacy on sneak attacks and victories stemming from the most blatant acts of cheating ever witnessed by mankind? A Jericho, that’s who. Some people don’t know it, because they are new to this business, but I, above all people, know of your acts of taking advantage of the shortcomings of your opponents in any way possible, whether it be cleanly, fair and square, or with the help of someone or something not intended to be used. I witnessed first hand the damage you can do even when not on you’re A game, and I just explained how you could accomplish such feats that the average competitor wouldn’t have a chance of pulling off. You’ve been trained in the art of dishonorable acts of trickery, and for that, I will give you something. You’re one smart man…not as smart as I, for I possess advanced cerebral equipment, but you’re surely not on my level of athleticism. Why you’re no better than James E. White, and hell, I have half a mind to say you’re worse, because you’ve used such learning’s to your advantage much more so, and it’s gotten you an unwarranted status of being a legend.
[Jake gives us the signal to cut as he flops down on a nearby couch, sitting conveniently next to Jake, and lounges out before the static hits.]
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Jake Douglas: Suitin’ up…getting ready once again for the “big times”…finding a method to get me more “over”…whatever you want to call it…I know one thing…this gimmick search is one hell of a big hassle. If only I could stick with a gimmick for more than, oh say…two months? Maybe I just have bad luck…or bad karma. I just know I have “bad” something. I have to...to not have the ability to do what so many others can do, and that’s hold down a gimmick for more than two months. I mean…I haven’t been able to make a solid name for myself in three years of being in this business…in fact…I have next to nothing to show for my efforts…just that they were in vain. Yeah, you’ve all heard it before. I’m going to turn myself around and get a steady gimmick runnin’, just wait and see. Whether it be this little World domination thing I got goin’ right now…or to be one of those guys whose’ gimmick IS to be one without a gimmick. Odd, eh? However it goes, I can guarantee one thing for SURE…and that is that I WILL provide in and out of the ring…when all the un matched skills are omitted from my words and my actions inside the squared circle. Wow…what a lethal combination. All the tools required to be “big” in this industry. In ring skills, thinking and speaking talent, and a SUCCESSFUL GIMMICK! Just think of the mainstream exposure…and all that one in this business dreams of. I’ve put up with all the “pure” wrestling I can bare. Sure, I’ll still stay in tact with those talents in the ring, but they cannot and will not carry me to stardom alone. I need something to back me up…something to garner good, positive results that so many others have experienced. Austere circumstances may be the price…big time matches and names…but that’s just the price I will have to be willing to pay. You cannot expect things to come floating into your lap in this business, and that’s what I must prove as I progress here in my new home, World Wide Wrestling…and it must all start at my first show, live on pay-per-view, One Night Stand…at first match…with James E. White…the victim to my mandatory “great first impression”.
And after ALL that food for thought just handed down to you from yours truly, I simply cannot wait to see what you have to say about the subject matter. How will you retort to such a “different” way of thinking displayed by me? A way of thinking you have surely never experienced in your long, drawn out and dull career. Will you decide to spring a little chain of “mind games” on me like so many have tried before in the past, and have each failed…crashing and burning in the process? Or will you take that little plug at how sick I am of people who claim that mind games are their specialty and try a different approach? Lets pray for the latter choice. Wait! *Gasp*…maybe you’ll even decide to fight fire with fire, and give me a real challenge for once? Now that, my friend, would be original. No more of this literal store bought dribble that most give me in their promos…about how they will “kick my ass” or whatever clever phrase they’ve come to find…and you’ll actually use your brain and wit! Wait…now I’m dreaming. This is a barbarian we’re talking about here. This is a feeble minded ape, with no regard for his own body, on subject. Hell, I should just go ahead and smack myself for hoping for such untouchable, out of reach imaginings. But hey, a guy can continue to dream eh? So, what I’ve arrived at right now, is that in my dreams you’ll actually try to give me a run for my money in every probably aspect, in thinking, in speaking, and in wrestling, words and tasks that you are so unfamiliar with to begin with…and that you’ll actually betray all your cult fans and try to drop the weapon and display what every man in this business known as “wrestling” should have…actual “wrestling” talent. For one night only, as the roof is blown off of the Caesar’s Palace, a spurt of ring psychology will shoot up your spine and you’ll try to work me over or break me down…and we’ll have a real match on our hands. But also, like I said, it’s just a dream, wishful thinking, if you will, and the probability of such a phenomenon taking place is slim to NONE. Personally, after seeing you wrestle before JEW, I’ll go with NONE…because I know how you operate, and you don’t operate with your mind, you let your cowardly weapons do the talking.