When you look at me, what do you see? A nice looking girl most likely. Everyone sees the outside. They'll never see who you really are, what you feel, or even what you see. Then again will you ever know who you really are? I thought I knew who I was. That was a long time ago, and right now I have no clue who I am. Let alone what I want.
In the beginning everyone is innocent, until something corrupts you. It was Jr. High School for me. When life becomes the challenge and how you deal with it is the key. It's nice though along that path of life to have someone to help lead you in the right direction. I didn't have that. It doesn't matter why; the support just wasn't there. I was shut out.
Everything happens in Jr. High School. Grade 7 was alright, I laid pretty low, it was grade 8 that things started to go downhill, and fast. Grade 8 was mean, the girls were mean. I couldn't figure out why. I was nice, I played on the sports teams, did well in school, kept my mouth shut and had my own little clique of close friends. I dated outside of the schools selection of guys to avoid run ins with the other girls. They were always there, and it made my life hell. The things they said, the things they did. It drives a person to start to believe it, to dislike themselves, and by the end of grade 9 after breaking up with my long-term boyfriend who was also my best friend it all became too much. Things at home weren't good, school was no better, my grades had dropped, and everything seemed all downhill and that path lead nowhere.
I looked around to see smiles on my friends faces, they would laugh, and I'd wonder why I didn't feel anymore. It was depression that haunted me. A bottle of pills tasted good, one after the other as if it were a solution that I had thought of all on my own to take the pain away. I got sick but woke up. Cutting seemed to release the pain on bad days, seeing the blood let it all go, I never felt the pain. Then there was a day when I was so cold and numb and felt nothing, and it was days like this, too many.... once I held my father's hunting rifle in my mouth, I pulled the trigger but it wasn't loaded. Another time I tried hanging myself with my belt, that didn't work either, and then I slit my wrist from my elbow all the way down my forearm and up the back of my hand to my pinkie finger, and I smiled too as I lay there bleeding I thought that would be the last time. The blood soaked my sheets. Obviously I made it, otherwise you wouldn't be reading my story.
*Laughs* So I got back with my Jr. High boyfriend the summer between Jr. High and High school, I lost my virginity to him, I loved him, but love was never enough, soon after we ended, I was meat, isn't that all school girls are meant for? There was nothing left of me. My attempts at self-inflicted suicide never worked, I gave up. High School brought sweeter ways to cope. I turned to drugs and alcohol. I hit both hard. I drank all day long, vodka in my orange juice during classes, then whatever I could afford when I went home, or wherever home was. Drugs, I did them all. My focus became unclear, I saw straight to the next hit, or shot. Guys meant nothing. I dated, but there was no feeling involved. It was better that way. I became a heartless bitch dancing on men's hearts, just for pay back, to have others feel the pain I felt.
I od'd during high school, funny, it was weed laced with horse tranqs. Hit me so hard, I could hear my heart in my ears; I was cold, my lips blue, and blood on the floor of the school washroom. I hadn't meant to do this however, it was messed, I got bad stuff. When I was found deaths door was creaking open. The ambulance gave me that pulp fiction shot of adrenaline to the heart and I pulled through, though in a coma for 3 days afterwards.
So this pretty face you see, the smile forced to my lips in fake greeting, you see the shell but inside there's nothing left. I've turned, building myself a hard exterior so that no one can break me down again. Let those around me see what they will, conceite, arrogance, confidence...whatever. You'll see me for what you want to anyways before you even take a moment to get to know why...
My head hurt, I was spinning round and round so fast that I didn't really know anyone, I didn't know who my real friends were, my family, I won't even go there. I was alone, so I left for good, and that my friend is how I met you. I was on a journey, not to find myself but to escape the constant blurry picture I was so used to.