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Pleasant Dreams
Pan's First Kiss
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PART 1
Every time I look at Ria, I see the lie I’m living. It’s a pleasant delusion that helps to keep the horrors of this war from overtaking me. Every time I see him and the way Ria looks at him, a little piece of me dies. At first I thought it was my own insecurity, but her silence has eaten away my hope. I’ve told her how much I love her, many times. It’s easy to say, for I love her so much it hurts sometimes. She never says anything; just sits there and those beautiful blue eyes cloud over and become distant.
She doesn’t love me. I’m just a way to relieve physical stress. It hurts but I can’t bring myself to let her go. But I know someday she will leave me. I should leave now to save myself the pain, but I can’t. Pain is something I know intimately. I’ve lived my life ignoring the pain. My comrades know nothing of me, they think I must be the most cheerful person around. My cheerfulness masks my aching soul. Much like the mask that Jess wears, smiling on the outside and empty inside. But Jess doesn’t have my problem; the person he loves returns his feeling. Lexa would rather give up her life than hurt Jess. Both are innocent in matters of the heart, it has been amusing and painful to watch them stumble in their new relationship.
They are nothing like Ria and I; we knew perfectly well what we were doing. It was just physical companionship, but being the idiot that I am, I had to go ahead and fall in love with her. I can still remember the complete shock on her face when I told her. Seeing her obvious pain, I apologized and she shut me up by kissing me.
But every time I see her looking at me, I know in my heart that she loves Richard, not me.
* * * * * * *
Ria paused slightly at the door to the apartment her and Jason shared. Collecting her thoughts, Ria tried to work up the courage to go through with her plan. Pulling out the mission itinerary, she had written, Ria scanned it again. Carefully folding it again, she put it back into her pocket and entered.
The instant Ria entered the apartment, she knew something was wrong. Jason was sitting on the bed, the only piece of furniture in the room, and didn’t bounce up and jump all over Ria as usual.
“We need to talk, Ria.” Jason smiled but Ria could tell it was even more forced than usual. Frowning, Ria sat down on the bed next to him. “I think it’s time I faced reality. It’s time for us to get on with our lives. Time for us to go our separate ways. We’re just lovers, ne? Go to Richard, Ria, he needs you.” Ria felt her heart contract, was Jason saying all those ‘I love you’s’ as just a joke? Ria felt her pain turn quickly into anger.
“I won’t let you do this.” Ria growled and Jason looked startled. “I…I…,” Ria shut his mouth and glared.
“Do what? What am I doing, Ria? I’m only facing reality.”
“I won’t let you pretend like you don’t care. You can’t do this to me.”
“I’m not lying, Ria.” Jason closed his eyes and swallowed painfully. Because his eyes were closed, Jason didn’t see the look of shock and betrayal that passed over Ria’s face. Jumping up, Ria suddenly felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She opened the door and stumbled off into the night.
Ria hadn’t known something could hurt so much. ‘What a fool I am, to think that Jason cared...’
As soon as the door closed behind Ria, Jason knew he had made a huge mistake. He could feel his heart crystallizing and fragmenting into hundreds of pieces. Ria had been so eager to leave she had practically RUN out of the apartment. Obviously, Jason had misjudged Ria in thinking that Ria might have argued with him. Sighing, Jason opened his eyes and slumped against the wall. Looking at the now closed door, Jason spotted a small piece of paper lying on the floor. Getting up, he walked over and picked it up. Unfolding it, Jason looked over the paper.
1. Enter room by door
2. Sit on bed floor
3. Say, “I love you, Jason.”
4. Kiss Jason
For a second, Jason just stood there shocked, then he laughed. Somehow he wasn’t surprised that his lover had planned out something like this. A second later, it hit him, Ria loved him? Suddenly, Jason felt like the worst person alive. Throwing open the door, Jason took off after Ria. ‘How could have been so stupid? Here I was convinced Ria loved Richard and she was coming to tell me this. Baka yarou! I only hope I can catch up with Ria and fix this.’ Coming to the road, Jason had two options. Did Ria go on the road or on the forest trail? ‘If I was Ria, which way would I have gone?’ With that thought, Jason suddenly knew where Ria had gone. Racing off on the forest trail, Ria cursed himself again. He realized the small forest clearing that he and Heero had spent many nights sitting and watching the stars. Looking around, Jason spotted Ria’s retreating form as the boi ran off through the forest. ‘Shit!’ Now Ria’s running from me? How much more of an asshole can I be?’ Then yelling aloud, “Ria! Chotto! Chotto Matte Kudasai…” Jason’s voice died off when Ria didn’t even pause in her running. Taking off after her, Jason’s vision was clouded by a bluriness. ‘Damnit! I’m NOT crying!’ Running through the forest, Jason suddenly tripped and went stumbling headfirst into the ground. Lying on the ground, Jason suddenly felt as if he couldn’t breathe. The pain in his heart so intense that it took his breathe away. Jason knew he couldn’t catch Ria, not if Ria didn’t want to be caught. Jason succumbed to the burning in his heart and eyes. When he could no longer hear Ria’s retreating footsteps, he sobbed quietly into the sweet, fragrant, grass that covered the forest floor.
