Ryan had fiddled it so that he could
have the day off. Kira was going to take command for the day and would give
the order to depart from DS11 and head off for the Ronin's mission. Ryan, after
replicating some anti-intoxicant was feeling a lot more clear headed as he aproached
Karissa's quarters. He hesitently stood there and reluctantly pressed the chime.
He knew it had to be done, although he wasn't looking forward to it. He stepped
in and found Karissa sitting in a chair looking out at the station.
"Hello, Ryan," she greeted, not taking her eyes off the view before her just yet. She had promised to stay out of Ryan's head and was doing so. But now, she was worried about what was going on in there. Would he think less of her? Would he never trust her again?
"Karissa... can i ask you a question?" he nervously began.
"Of course," she replied, finally turning to meet his gaze with a gentle smile. "Ask me anything."
"And you'll answer me honeslty?"
Her heart beat faster. Did he even remember last? she wondered. "Yes, I'll answer honestly," she said, trying to hide her short breaths.
"What exactly did we do last night?" Ryan asked taking a seat in front of her.
Her smile grew a bit, and a single soft laugh escaped her. She looked away as her cheeks flushed a little. "We drank a lot, did some dancing . . . I . . . took you all to the holodeck . . . and is your question is did anything happen, the answer is . . . yes . . ." She met his gaze and smiled. This was the moment, she thought, that she would find out what he thought of her now and she tried to stop the gentle shaking of her body. She had never expected to feel this kind of concern or anxiety.
Ryan dropped his head. He didn't have to be psychic to know she was going to say that. "What... part.. did i play in this exactly?"
"Do you mean, were you responsible?" she asked a bit surprised.
"Well there is that fact, but I want to know... did we... you know...?"
She took a deep breath. She wanted to reach out and take his hand, but she was afraid of being rejected. "Yes . . . We did . . ." she replied. "But it wasn't your doing. It was me . . . all me . . ."
"What about the others? Were they involved too?" he said rather embarrassed.
"Except Sean," she replied. "I . . . drew everyone in." She still didn't regret any of it. She knew she never would. But she did regret any upset it caused the others. The affects of her *heat* had not allowed her to see possible consequences for her actions.
"Can I just ask why?"
She turned her gaze back to the view of the station and took a deep breath, steadying her nerves. Would he hate her now? Would she have to request a transfer without raising any eyebrows? Would he understand? "Basically, I have feline DNA in my system," she tried to explain. "Like a cat, I . . . go into heat . . . My cycles are a bit unpredictable, but they happen about once every 3 or 4 months . . . Last night, was one of those cycles . . . I am sorry if this is causing you any distress. I didn't mean for that to happen . . ." She couldn't meet his gaze.
Ryan got of his chair and came and sat along side Karissa. "Hey, don't be ashamed of that. If you go through 'heat' as you call it, then it is in no way your fault. Your only doing what is natural to you. It is I that should be ashamed. Taking advantage of you like that." Karissa turned to look at Ryan, but now he turned away from her gaze and walked closer toward the window.
"I don't regret last night. I will probably never regret last night . . . except for any pain is causes anyone else . . ." she said, standing and going to him. For the first time, daring to place her hand on his shoulder. "Ryan . . . I . . . took advantage of you . . . You might not remember a lot of last night, but I remember all of it . . . I . . . seduced you . . ." she smiled gently. "I made it so you couldn't resist me."
"So what now?" He asked. He turned and her face was only centimetres from his. "I'm so confused about this all" he said hurriedly backing off and taking a seat again.
"I asked nothing from any of you, except for the pleasures of last night," she said, turning to look at him. "I won't say anything to anyone. You don't have to be worried about that." she sighed, as feelings crept up in her. She cared about him, more than she was willing to admit to herself. More than she was going to admit to anyone . . . She thought of waking up with him just a few hours ago and wished things had been under different circumstances perhaps.
"You say you ask for nothing.... what if... what if you... got pregnant? What then? What will you expect from the three of us then? Would you keep the baby?"
She turned her back to him again. She couldn't look at him at the moment, because her cycle wasn't completely over. She was struggling to push the memories from last night away and keep to the questions he asked. "I would keep the baby, though I have never gotten pregnant before . . . I'm not sure I can, really . . . But I wouldn't ask anything from any of you . . . I mean, if you wanted to, fine . . . If not . . . I would be okay with that too . . . " She thought back over all her experiences with her cycles and realized that not only had she never gotten pregnant even once, but she had never had more than one partner at one time . . . But things changed.
"I just can't believe this is happening to me" he said putting his head in his hands. "Let's work on the assumption you are not pregnant for now. Where do we go from here?"
She had complicated his life far more than she had ever meant to, and that hurt her. "It doesn't have to go anywhere," she replied. "We can go on with things like nothing happened." She had been prepared for this. This is what she had expected. Though the thought of Ryan touching her again was getting more difficult to push away. She continued to look out at the station, as if trying to memorize every aspect of its detail.
"Karissa, I don't think I will be able to go on as if nothing happened. I mean something like this doesn't happen everyday." Ryan joined her at the window. "Don't get me wrong, I haven't lost any respect for you as a result of last night. However, you can understand that I won't see you in the same light again as I did before last night"
She nodded. "I know," she replied. "What would you suggest then?" Her control was starting to slip at his nearness. She could feel it.
"You've had more experience with this heat thing than me... What do you suggest?"
He himself couldn't deny that he would love last night to happen all over again... without the other two though however. He wished he had more memories of it as he looked at her face.
"Most times I have been able to sequester myself in my quarters . . . Though that's very difficult as well . . . But when I haven't been able to, my partners were always from different departments . . . or not even from my posting . . . So this is . . . very new to me as well . . ." she explained, taking a breath trying to settle her desires. But it wasn't working.
Ryan gazed back out of the window. Struggling with what he was about to say. "Let's make it easier. No more beating around the bush. Let's get things out in the open. Do you have feelings for me Karissa, or was last night just down to hormones?" he asked boldly looking back into her dark eyes.
She was stunned. She hadn't expected to be asked. Yes, she did have feelings for him. She wouldn't lie, but how would he take this from her. Her breath came in short and shallow. She was in territory she had never considered before. His eyes bore into her as if into her soul, and she could feel herself grow weak. "Yes, I have feelings for you . . . " she replied. "Last night was a lot due to hormones, but I can't deny that there was more to it than that . . ."
This was not Ryan had expected at all, however, it was what he had been hoping for. Since the first moment he had met her in that corridor, he knew that she was a little different. That there was something special about her. And while on Earth, she entered his mind more than once. However, he didn't say anything before as he was unsure as to how she felt towards him. That and the fact that he was her commanding officer.
Ryan, left the window and sat down in the chair once more. He didn't say anything, but just gazed at the ceiling.
He wondered what it would be like if he admitted his feelings to her now and what may happen. However, he knew he shouldn't.
He knew it was against everything that is expected of a commanding officer.
"Karissa..." he began. "In your ideal situation, what do you foresee?"
Gazing at him, she shook her head. "My ideal situation? I didn't even think things through this far," she replied. "But . . . " she took another breath, afraid of what she was feeling and of what she was going to say. "I keep remembering being with you . . . waking up with your arm around my waist . . . If I could return to that moment, I would . . . Without hesistation . . . But, Ryan," she said, turning away again, "If you don't want a repeat of last night, maybe you should go . . . My cycle isn't quiet over yet . . . and . . . " but she couldn't finish. She couldn't admit to him that she would pounce him if she lost more control. . . if he gave her one hint of wanting her.
"I know what my ideal situation would be" he said once more standing beside her. "However, I am your commanding officer. If things were different and I were still a security or tactical officer, then I would definately be thinking differently." Ryan gazed into her eyes as he spoke finding it increasingly difficut to carry on. He sighed. "What I want... what I want, we shouldn't be considering. Unless... I don't know... This is so difficult for me... in my position." He left Karissas side and once more took a seat in the chair.
He wanted her! The thought hit her with a resounding impact in her being. She understood what he was saying about rank and all, but if she wasn't going to saying and he didn't say anything . . . She went to him, and knelt by the chair. Tenderly, she caressed his face. "What you want, and what I want, might be close to the same thing," she replied. Not being able to control herself any longer, she rose to her feet to bend over and kissed him deeply. Only he could stop her now.
Ryan returned the kiss. He had wanted this for so long, but he knew it couldn't continue. Not now. He broke off the kiss. He looked back into Karissa's eyes. "I... I can't" he softly said. "Surely you can feel how much I want this. But it just isn't possible." He paused and looked at her face. It wasn't until that very moment that he realised just how beautiful she really was. He now had a choice before him. Continue this and wait and see what Starfleet have to say, or walk away right now. "You know... nobody has to find out that I was ever here." he whispered softly into her ear. He took her in his arms and kissed her again. The little voice was still in the back of his mind repeating *think of your career* but it was slowly dying out as Ryan kissed her more passionately.
"No one ever has to know, Ryan,"
she replied breathlessly as she broke their kiss for a moment. "Just us
. . ."