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Out of Character Complaints and Comments

You know the scene well, it's late, you've been gaming for hours, and sometimes the conversation turns from the act of roleplaying to commenting on the events in the game out of character, or players make comments out of character for their characters.

Players conversing while eating tostito's and bean dip...(we won't get into that):

"What do you call it if a half-elf has a kid with a human?  I mean what are they called? Are they human or elf?"

Two players in unison:  "Quarter-elves?"  We laughed until we were was late is my only defense.

During an extensive argument between two fighters about who was going to carry what:

Magic-User:  "You know what?  I just ram this wand of magic missiles down my throat and set it off."

DM:  "All six missiles?"

Magic-User:  "Every last one of 'em.  And I'm gonna do it again if I live and am able to say the command word."

I'm ashamed to admit that this happened during one of my games:

Player pausing in mid-roleplaying-sentence: "And would you please stop licking the d4's and sticking them to your forehead?  Other people have to touch those you know.  We all can see you're bored, <name not entered to protect the guilty>.  It's not my fault you stayed outside.  Why make us suffer, huh?"

Guilty player's rebuttal:  "Just hush and keep talking to that man..go on..get everyone killed.  That's why I'm out here sticking d4's to my head. must admit....this is impressive isn't it?" <We won't get into the number stuck to his head.>

DM:  "Where's my orange d20 ?" <my favorite die....I can't understand why my players hate it so much and become so irritated when they begin speaking about it>

Player <highly irritated>:  "Oh, yeah, find your damn death die."

Another player:  "Yeah mister "Death Master,"  what's wrong with that blue one there?

DM:  "I just like the orange one."

First player:  "There it is over there.  But I rolled it six or seven times while you were gone."  <seemed very proud of that fact>

DM:  "Hand me six more d6 please."

Player 1: <highly alarmed> "Why?"

Other players: <frantically scanning and flipping over character sheets>

DM:  "Just hand em to me."

Player 2:  "No!  Wait!"

DM:  <began straining and reaching for dice>

Players:  <laughing, screaming and grabbing as many dice as their grubby little hands could get>

DM:  "I'll be damned!  Move!"

<physical fight began over dice>

DM:  "Fine....give me eight more."

The players relented at this point.

Player after being stuck on a slave ship for two weeks:  "Oh my God, can you imagine what we must smell like?"

DM:  "No worse than usual I'd imagine."

Things deteriorated rapidly after that

First Player:  "Please tell me there's another entrance besides the friggin' front door."

DM:  "Yeah, I told you there's that door at the back."

First Player:  "Good we'll send the thief around back to see if it's locked."

Second Player:  <meant in referral to his occupation>  "Yeah...we all know he likes going in through the back door." <taken completely out of context and the laughing that followed was quite hysterical>

Player annoyed at a smart aleck but powerful NPC:  "What if I just bitch slap him right across the face."

DM:  <picks up dice>  "Is that what you do?"

Player: <laughing>  "Naw, man...just playing."

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