First month of Autumn, 3750I fear I am making a mistake. I leave my sister alone in Amber, an ewe among wolves in knitted robes. I cannot do anything else - this custodianship weighs on my shoulders too strongly. Damn Dworkin to hell for what he has done to me.I walked the Pattern after breakfast. When I returned around lunchtime, I found someone else in my place. I have never seen his like before - he changed, as I watched, from a man unknown to me into mine own image. I do not know this power - I cannot fight this power without information. I must learn what he is.
Third month of Winter, 3850I think I know what I might do to stop this imposter. His name is Vogel, I have learned, and he is spy for an ancient power I shudder to contemplate. I think Father knows that Vogel is not I, but he does nothing. Why?The power - the shapeshifting - I cannot write down the knowledge! The wrong hands are too easy to find. Damn, and damn, and damn again. And my sister. I spied upon her today - it took all my concentration - she is warded strangely and strongly. Sand has become a creature I had hoped she would never become - a true daughter of Oberon. I have wrought, by omission, a thing I had not thought to see. Again, damn. But it is not all my fault; this I can see. Vogel has a hand in it. And Fiona. I must do more research - the redheads have weaknesses, the same as I. Fiona deserves all I might give her, for tormenting my sister so. I must research - the shapeshifting is not all there is to him. I fear I have waited too long.
Third month of Autumn, 4050My sister, my sister, my sister...Fiona has acted out of turn. Vogel has abandoned Amber. Father destroys Larkaina with his actions. And I sit in Shadow and wait. I must - I cannot - I will. DAMN. I cannot find her. She is hidden. I was able to follow Fiona, I know where she stopped, but I cannot find my sister. What has been done? I woke in the night with dreams of red fireballs - wind on the stairs of Tir-na Nog'th - darkness falling away - I scried for my sister, for who else could it be? And she was gone. Alive - that much I can tell, else I would be travelling now to Amber in robes of black to rescue her spikard from Fiona and to bloody the steps to Tir with the forging of a new Spikard sword. But gone - gone where? Into the city? Fiona stopped in an alley I have occasion to know from my childhood (too small for Julian to ride into - I remember that place too well) - and did something... Too dark to see - the wards too strong around my sister and around Fiona's handiwork - I could not see... I cannot find my sister...
Third month of Autumn, 4051One year. So little time, so much time. I search for her for days on end, and still I cannot uncover her location. The spell is slippery, it hides in shadows and in light and in the dirt and death of the city and fights to slide from my grasp - I have seen it a thousand times, at the corner of my vision, but it always slips away. I saw it in the gardens today, but when I looked, it was but Mother again, waiting for me to come home to her. I am sorry, Mother.I saw it in the Wharf district when I looked yesterday. I have seen it there before. I will look again. I believe - I must believe - that she is safe somewhere in Amber itself. I must...
Sometime in Summer, 4270I still cannot find her. I am trying to pin down a bubble made of grease, and I cannot find the proper instrument. I have seen the shadow of what I seek a hundred times in my dreams, and a hundred more in the city, sliding out from under my regard when I stop to see what I have uncovered.I have chased down the others, to be certain that it is not one of them I see. It is not, not even Deirdre. But I see my brothers engage in antics that put us all to shame. Corwin and Eric are at it again - now Eric is in Amber and Corwin is unconscious in a Shadow some distance from here. I find I cannot care. Let them kill each other. The throne does not matter. Where is she?
Autumn, 4280Perhaps watching my family is more sport that I had thought. Benedict has left Amber, for a place nearer to me than the others have come. I did not know I was so near to Avalon. I spent some time watching them scurry for position as Amber's Defender walked away.Caine travels often into the city - the Wharf district, in fact. There are two he seeks, a man and a woman. I do not know their names, or their lineage, but they are... familiar, somehow. What games does Caine play now, I wonder? I cannot continue to search for my sister - it is fruitless. I begin to think that ere I catch this bubble, it shall burst. Well enough. I must do something - I will continue to search for Fiona's weaknesses... She will tell me where my sister is.
First week of Autumn, 4304How strange. I had thought myself undiscovered in this pocket of Shadow.Brand called me early this week, asking my aid in overthrowing Father. I turned him down, of course. I do not know that I would care if it had been one of the others - but I do not think Brand is fit. He asked me to speak to my sister on his behalf. I said I would consider it. I wonder why the lie did not hurt? Early this morning, Bleys called. The redheads, again. At least Bleys assumes I keep tabs on Sand - and that I will welcome little to do with Fiona because of it. He promises to be a buffer between us. He promises, he promises, he promises. Well enough - but I am not a fool. I will not join this. With three, someone must choose a side when all is said and done - with four, no one can win.
Last week of Summer, 4329Brand called me again today. He asked after children of our siblings - if I knew any, if I suspected any. I told him I did not.He warned me that one of our blood wandered Shadow, a youth with blonde hair called Martin. He asked me to call if Martin appeared. If the boy comes into my sphere of Shadow, I shall be surprised. And I shall not call Brand - I did not like the way he spoke of the boy.
Mid-Winter, 4350Times are strange, and I cannot sleep.Something has happened to Father - the redheads? Dworkin? The powers that sent Vogel to impersonate me? I do not know. But he is - somewhere. I cannot pin him down, but it is not Fiona's power (or perhaps not hers alone). There is a touch of something I had forgotten, in my fear for my sister - an older darkness than mine. And Brand is trapped somewhere where the Shadows are crazed, the sun too bright - the geology moves all the time - some too-bright snake wraps around a stone tree - a tower, not a tree - and someone has played an irony card, for this two-eyed serpent is Light. I begin to remember - an older darkness, a one-eyed Serpent limned in fire - what am I saying? I think the darkness I fear is encroaching. Perhaps I shall ask Bleys for alliance when it comes, when he calls again.
Late Summer, 4386Bleys continues to call me regularly. I do not think Fiona knows of this. That is acceptable. I have asked him if he knows what Fiona did to my sister, but he claims he cannot ask that question now - that he is busy with something else.I see strange troops when I speak with him, and craters of fire. My dreams again are troubled - dark things stalk the forests of my mind, and burn. Something will go wrong soon - I can feel it - how heavily must I use my hand to make all right again? I cannot shake the feeling that something bright returns from Shadow, and something dark descends from Amber - and all will end in a terrible place. Dad is involved - Dad is always involved - and Dworkin - damn him still - is involved, and that greater darkness... I scried today for Dworkin, after I chased a hunchback in my dreams. There is a wyvern beside the Pattern. I do not know what this means.
Third month of Autumn, 4387It is cold in Amber today. Bleys called me as he fell from Kolvir. I took pity on him and took his hand and brought him to my pocket of Shadow. I do not know why he did not call his siblings - perhaps I shall not ask.He tells me that Corwin has returned from Shadow. I had forgotten he was there - the children of Faiella were never my concern. Except once - but my sister handled that without me, and I let it pass... He tells me that Eric will be crowned King in Amber. Father is trapped - should I tell Eric that Father is not gone? No. So long as Amber still stands, the affairs of the throne are not mine to deal with. It is not this that makes me fear my turn approaches.
Third month of Autumn, 4387 (the next day)I have been remiss. I thought Father stowed away. Now I find he is not. How foolish of me.Bleys continues to tell me of the affairs of my siblings, but I do not listen. And I shall not tell him what he asks - the power I bear is for no one else, and by his dreams I know what foolishness he would put it to.
First month of Winter, 4387Fiona has come to claim Bleys from my charge. I do not know how she found me. I do not care. We fought, over Sand, while Bleys slept.She will not tell me where my sister has gone. She will only say she might or might not be dead. Foolish bitch. Let her take Bleys and be damned. She will not survive my vengance, when the time is ripe and I may take it. I have asked Bleys to convince the other two to speak of me to no one in Amber. It is not my time - my time has passed in Amber - my time has not yet come in the greater sphere of things.
Late Spring, 4394Portents I thought unreal have come to pass. Tomorrow Father walks the Pattern to repair it. Much has happened since last I looked towards those in Amber. Corwin will be custodian of the Jewel. The others have their own jobs. I begin to think Father has forgotten me.But I have not forgotten - I spoke briefly with Dworkin this morning, and he believes Father will not survive. I will use the spikard and disguise myself. Not that I expect my siblings to know me any more. I shall not miss the passing of the King - and I will not be forced to fortify this Shadow when the storms come. My only worry is for my sister. I still cannot find her. I pray those left behind can guard Amber so that she might survive.
First day of Winter, 4394I have spent a week in the Courts of Chaos, beside the Abyss where Father will endlessly fall. My siblings shall return to Amber soon. The Courts are defeated, Amber remains; we have won.The victory is hollow. Amber stands, my sister is lost, the crown goes to Random, who I did not know before I was forced to leave. I shall have to trust to the Unicorn - we shall all have to trust Her. And Brand - I think perhaps we could have seen it all along. Brand was always... peculiar. And the forces he dug his pit with could drive one to madness too easily. I fear that all is not yet finished. Troubled dreams of wheels of red dance behind my eyes - my long custodianship weights heavily on my mind. But my little corner of Shadow is unchanged, except for a few books missing. Books can be replaced.
Autumn Equinox, 4401Brand has a son. He spoke with me today, asking for my help in revenging his father. I told him I would not play that game.He claims he spoke with my sister. How can that be, when I cannot find her? It is not possible. The insolent whelp has lied to me. Bleys calls me only rarely now. I suspect he is upset that I did not aid in Amber's defense. I was not asked - I have my pride - and had I seen danger I could have prevented, I would have done so. I still remember Amber.
Spring Equinox, 4402Brand's son tried again to persuade me. I shall not play that game. I think I will take no more Trump calls.
Early Winter, 4405Forces beyond my control move me to action. The spikards awake - Swayvill is dead, Father's opposite gone to join him in one last endless courtly dance of death - Corwin's son stands in line for the throne of Chaos, and he must not wear Swayvill's ring.I spoke to Bleys; he shall assist. Now I must remember what it takes to be seen within the Hall of Mirrors...
Third week of Spring, 4410SHE LIVES!I have seen my beloved sister again - she lives, she lives, she lives... I scried this morning. She was under a spell, hidden from my view - Fiona's work - but the spell was broken and she has returned to us. She lives...
Mid-Spring, 4410I spoke with Bleys. He says she is changed, jumpy, almost fearful. I scry when she is alone, and I do not see these things. I wonder at what game he plays.He says she is angry at Fiona but will do nothing about it but flee. I have not seen it and I do not believe it. She has faced down greater than Fiona - did she not defy Deirdre once, so long ago, to win a place in battle with weapons greater than the bow? It makes no sense.
Early Spring, 4411Bleys called me today, furious. He demands to know where my army is.My army? We argued until I convinced him to come through. I have no army... We scried for my doppleganger - he did not know of Vogel. Perhaps I have been remiss in telling him things. He is my only ally in Amber until Vogel is gone. Vogel is building an army. Vogel is still impersonating me. Vogel carries a banner of brown, a black reaper upon it carrying a severed unicorn head. Vogel has gone mad with the death of the only King he has ever known. Vogel will invade Amber. Benedict will take care of this problem. I do not think I need to act. Bleys does not understand my response. He has never understood economy of energy.
Mid-Spring, 4411I woke in the night with a chill in the air, my hair standing on end. Some power awakes, the portents cried.I looked. And I saw. Sand possesses the Wild Hunt. All this time, and I did not know. Vogel is dead as I write this, and my poor tortured sister is in Shadow, in pain, grieving. I will go to Amber when she returns, to show her that Vogel's death was not in vain.
Late Spring, 4411That did not go as I had intended.My sister is furious with me. She will no longer speak to me, after a brief explosion. She does not look at me. She accused me of being a traitor - to Amber, to Larkaina, to her. I told her I looked for her - but she would not listen. She is convinced I knew where she was all along. She says I am a traitor to the oaths we swore as children, when Mother let us be knighted, for letting Vogel impersonate me so long - I could not defeat him then, I said, but she did not listen. I do not understand.
Last day of Spring, 4411I will leave tomorrow. I have been here a week. My siblings mistrust me, my nephews and niece dislike me, and Mother's ghost turns away when I approach, weeping tears of blood.I had no choice, I told the spirit tonight. She moaned - or perhaps it was the wind - and drifted farther from my reach. Mother, I said, I tried to find her, but I could not. Again she moaned and drifted. Mother, I cried, I am sorry. And she vanished. I saw her as I came in, playing at being courtly ladies with a tiny, sad woman with hair the color of gold - I remember her from my scryings of the court. Paulette, I think her name was - Father married her after I left. Both of them turned away as I approached. I did not think a ghost could say so much without sound.
Mid-Winter, 4411I sent Sand a mid-Winter gift. It returned to me today, unopened, on the front of a wave of power, with a note attached. You are not my brother, it says. My brother is dead. I killed him. You might once have been my brother, but no longer. I wish you nothing but ill.It has gone so far, then. I did not expect this.
Late Summer, 4412The fears I felt have come to pass - the red wheel has turned another round. We must gather or all will be lost.Paper is not the place to speak of these things. I do what I must - perhaps some day I will have someone to explain it to.
Early Autumn, 4412All has been done according to the ancient rites. Status quo has been maintained.And Sand continues to avoid my eyes.
Early Autumn, 4420I begin to see the restoration of what was lost. Children are born again in Amber - Spring is coming to the reign of Random. Gerard has recognised a son, and Fiona and Flora are pregnant - though Fiona has chosen a far Shadow to accelerate her pregnancy, and Flora another to slow hers somewhat.Perhaps it is time I took steps of my own. Three is a good number, I think - the symmetry pleases me.
Second month of Spring, 4422My son's name is Dorian. I wish Sophia had not been so frail - she was a pleasure in life and in love. Such is the nature of Shadows, I suppose.Dorian will be raised by cousins of Sophia; I will return for him later. I scried this morning, but all is calm. Flora and Fiona have had their children, and Amber is otherwise quiet.
Third month of Spring, 4442Tsia was born yesterday, to Marique. I will have to make certain she learns what she must.I returned for Dorian a few months ago, and he has proven to be extremely ungrateful for my attentions. Once he walked the Pattern and learned what I would teach him, he departed, speaking of a better teacher. When I scried for him this morning, he was speaking with Dworkin. Apparently my attentions were still unwelcome, for my scry was cut off shortly after I saw them.
Late Summer, 4515Time has passed, and I find my commitment to this journal waning. Much has happened, but this latest has me on alert.Vialle, Queen of Amber, has passed away due to illness. She is not the first to pass in recent years - Benedict, Bleys, Llewella, and Gerard have all passed on, under strange circumstances. The children are rising - the ones we forgot. I have seen daughters of Finndo and Osric, children of Bleys and Brand, and others I did not know existed. I see a pair of factions where there was disorganization - and their power grows too quickly. I cannot take it to the King, because my daughters are part of one of these factions. It is impossible to tell who is for and who is against Amber - I cannot get a straight answer out of the girls - but there is a faction in each camp. They call themselves the Inconnue and Illuminati - the unknown and the all-knowing. I have information on many of them, but I must deceive Tsia and certain others about the knowledge I have - I would not have a group wiped out when it might be the ones who will come into the fold of Amber when all is said and done. Julian's daughter has come to Amber - the one he left the pendant with. Perhaps I should not have tampered with that pendant, but it was too tempting, especially once Bleys died. I needed another ally. I will give her a false book, I think, that I might tip off the others to the factions I watch. For once, there are too many choices to make. Perhaps all will become clear with time.
Last week of Summer, 4515Today was... educational. I'd heard rumors about Flora's eldest, although Bleys insisted they were exaggerations. They are all true, I discovered.He had the nerve to lecture me on my responsibilities to Amber. He knows nothing of my responsibilities. Nothing. To add insult to insult, he called Random and insisted that Random discuss the matter with me. Random, I find, is of a like mind - I have done too little for Amber in times of crisis. I warned him of children who step beyond where they should, and children who make alliances where all runs mad, and he seemed to think I referred to Brand. He has been talking to Dorian, I am certain of it. Certain things he implied suggest he knows of my daughters' dispositions and disapproves. And he accepts Sand's version of my history, with a few footnotes by Bleys, as the truth. Fools.
First week of Autumn, 4515Things fall apart around me - I am forewarned by Shannon that Sand has been ordered to kill me. Tsia has, without my knowledge, been trying to kill the person she perceives as the source of my problems - Sand.It all ties back to my sister. It has always tied back to my sister. Had things been different, perhaps it would not have been so. I begin to regret that I did not inherit the daring of Bleys and Corwin, that I would have rescued her when I had the chance, or killed Vogel before it began. Damn, and damn, and damn again. I cannot even blame Dworkin any more. I will leave an imposter in my place and hope that Sand will refrain from the Hunt. I can hope she will, out of a remembered love for me, but I fear that hope is not enough any more.
Tenth day of Autumn, 4515This is it, then. My legacy is nothing but apathy and anger. My son hates me, one daughter is dead, and the other is nothing but a pawn in a game of factions she has no hope of winning. My mother's shade turns away when I approach, and my sister - my sister will kill me.The Hunt... The Hunt is coming. I can feel it - it is burning in my soul, screaming through my mind - my joints ache and my muscles spasm, and I cannot feel the brambles I lie upon. I cannot damn Dworkin, though I know he taught it to her, because it is not his fault that she must kill me. Perhaps it will kill the demons inside her - lay them to rest, finally, after all these years. I wonder who my spikard will go to? Sand will know... ~~~ *smear of blood*~~~ Come the morn, there will be nothing left of me but a memory and a spirit among the lost siblings who haunt the Hunt... I have set a spell upon this book, to return it to my other books, that someone might read and understand that my blood was ever that of Amber, my heart ever true - but that my time had not yet come to defend her. When it came, I would have defended to my last breath, my last blood, my last moment... The Hunt will be here soon. Time to end this. Whatever else happens, I can only wish that someone will think well of me for this - I shall not flinch from this fate. I am still a son of Oberon. I am still a son of Amber.
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