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I first encountered Gor when I started using AOL in mid-1999. I was watching a scene in Gorean Tavern under a mundane screen name that sounded like that of a slave, I guess, and was told by a Master to come kneel. I thought Gor was like a medieval role playing game, so I did the Joan of Ark kneel...on one knee. Oh, how much I had to learn. The Master grew angry and tried to get his girl to send me links on Gor, but I was blocked apparently, as I still hadn't quite learned all about the functions of a Buddy List yet. So they were annoyed, and I was angry at them for the rudeness they exhibited at my ignorance. I left the room. I often wonder if they are still around under other screen names, and if they prompted anyone else to investigate Gor.
I was never really interested in traditional role play, but....I was hooked. I started ghosting in Gorean Tavern every night, and after about a week, got a simplistic IM saying, "wanna play?" I explained I didn't know how, but the mun said he'd help me, and that he had read the books (first I'd heard of them). He had just begun playing himself like three days before, so it was a good point to start a character. I created a Free Woman SN, and we had our characters in a constant struggle where she wouldn't submit and he wouldn't collar her, because he knew she'd just die if it wasn't because she gave in. Fortunately for both of us, we no longer play characters that are so far away from the philosophies presented by Norman. I still play that same free woman character, but she has seen exponential growth in her realism I think. The mun and I became friends and we talked all day, almost every day, as he had Instant Messenger at work and I was a stay-at-home mom with a baby. We eventually formed a special bond, though I watched as he had relationships with other women, and I grew more and more depressed in my marriage. I had been married since 1996, but things had always been rocky. My daughter was about seven months old when I started talking to Him, and he would ask regularly how she was doing and how her development was coming along...more so than her own father did. In the beginning, when my husband came home he would tease me about talking to Him, saying he was surprised I didn't scream out the characters name during sex.
Master and I met the weekend after Thanksgiving in 1999. He was visiting his sister in my state and drove the two and half extra hours to meet me in city between his sister's and mine. We were to meet at a museum at 6:30 PM, and though I went inside several times, I never found him. I stayed until two hours after the museum closed, so upset that he hadn't come, but unable to tear myself away. I read Assassins while I sat in my car, my legs propped up in the doorway, the dome light shining down. About 9:00 PM, I saw a red sports car come through the circular parking lot from behind the museum, make the circle, and park a feet hundred feet behind mine. I was nervous it was someone coming to cause trouble since the museum had been closed so long, but out He stepped, and my heart starting racing. I knew him immediately from his photos, though I thought he looked even more handsome than in any picture. We hugged and took it from there. I was in heaven. We ate dinner at a small, candlit table in a Mexican restaurant near the museum. At first we discussed Gor, and all the muns we knew. But as the evening progressed, we started talking about more in depth topics. We'd left my car at his hotel and when dinner was over, we went back. I thought it was time to go, and was very unhappy, but Master convinced me to join him for a drink in the hotel bar. With Master, I drank my first glass of cabernet. He asked me for a kiss, and I demured, but he was persistant, and I really wanted to kiss him. Finally, I relented and it was wonderful. My husband had always made me feel silly when we kissed and told me I wasn't good at it, so I worried about kissing Master. But Master said he enjoyed it, so I relaxed. We went to his room, since the evening was still relatively early.
Of course, one thing led to another and eventually Master and I had sex. I won't call it making love, because he didn't love me, but oh, I already knew I was madly in love with him. I was still married, but my husband and I had agreed on an open marriage, and I thought he too was having sex with someone else that night, so there was little guilt involved. Sex with Master was exquisite and he used me well. He was alternately gentle, then forceful, something I was unused to, and it unnerved me. In fact, I was so nervous I never achieved orgasm. But god, what a time I had.
Afterward, he held me close and we talked. We had been watching "The English Patient" off and on between "rounds" and I remember thinking how ironic that was. Master asked me what would happen if we were to fall in love, and I thought he was refering to the movie, but I teased him and said we wouldn't because he was too old for me. Of course, that wasn't really true. I already loved him, but I didn't think there was any chance he'd ever love me. I thought that was going to be our only night together...that I would go home...we'd never see each other again, and I would be miserable. So I was making the most of every moment. He said he wished I didn't have to go, and god my heart broke in two.
When it was time for me to, he walked me to my car. It was very cold and foggy that night. I tried to make light and when we hugged I told him I'd see him online. He kinda smiled crookedly, but his eyes were sad, and I was so upset. It was so foggy I drove 45 mph on the freeway almost all the way home. It was about 5:30 AM when I got home and passed out from exhaustion. I had cried all the drive home and I dreaded the next day. Well, of course, morning came. It turned out my husband hadn't slept with the other woman and he'd thought I wouldn't sleep with Master. He held it against me and treated me like I was the lowest lifeform on Earth. I left him a week later.
New Year's was on the way, and Master and I decided we would usher in the new millenium together in New Orleans. He flew and I drove the six hours. We'd intentionally not made any plans, letting things take their course, instead. I still had trouble in bed, due to nerves and Master's "size". He was more well endowed than my husband, but he was patient and skillful; we had a wonderful time there. We took lots of pictures and he helped me brave the ferry. We listened to a great jazz band that night, and got way too drunk. When we got back to the hotel, I could tell he was feeling ready for sex, but I was so tired, he tucked me and told me to sleep, while he held me close. I was very grateful and fell asleep in his arms, happier than I'd ever been.
We were confirmed lovers after New Year's and I visited him in April for a weekend. I went back home writing in my journal about how much I wanted to wear his collar and be able to call him "Master". Then, he wanted me back for his birthday, so my parents (who I am forever indebted to for putting up with my uncharacteristic eratic behavior) took care of my daughter, and I went to California for the month of May. I loved Master's city and he was now acting like my Master, though we had not made a formal agreement and I had not yet asked to be his girl. A few days before I was to go, I couldn't help myself any longer, yet I was so worried that he would say no. I begged him, "Please may I call you That? Please may I call you That?" I was hoping against hope that he would know what I meant and he did. He said yes and for the first time I was able to call him Master. It was the most liberating thing I had ever done, and to this day I am grateful for the priviledge to call this wonderful man, "Master".
Master and I now live together in California. We work in the same place, so we eat lunch together too, and I attend school at night. My daughter lives with us most of the year, though she does visit family back in Texas. We are very careful in front of her, though I am always respectful to him and obedient. Or..I try to be. I am still learning, and have received due punishments for not being completely pleasing. But, I love Master beyond everything and I only hope I can someday be his perfect girl.
I Love You Master...
Thank You For Letting Me Be Yours...kitin
It is five years later, and I was not the perfect girl I wanted so much to be. I was always questioning, and cautious, and though he admits he was not consistent with me as he should have been, it is over. That door has closed, and I'm lost.
For five years he's been my Master, the only one I have wanted/needed to call by that name. For five years I've tried to be what he wanted, even though I wasn't always sure he wanted the responsibility of ownership.
He admits he was not always consistent, and that my failure was also his, because he let me slide too much, too often. I still wish I could call him Master, that he still wanted me that way, but he doesn't. He doesn't want me to try.
When he wanted to move, I was scared. We'd be going to a place where we didn't know anyone, or have any form of support. He said he was leaving, and it was the hardest thing anyone has ever told me. Days later, in email, he said when he said "he" he meant us. But now, he says it is part of who he is, of what lifestyle he is choosing to live, that requires he would always be able to just leave. He is able to leave me behind. He says he loves me, and calls me family, but cannot define what we are anymore. He says it hurts him too, but he does not wish to show it. I guess he's better at hiding it than I am. I had told him I wanted a place of my own, to be alone with just Anna. And I did. I had never lived alone, and thought if I did make that step, no one could hurt me. He couldn't hurt me, if he wasn't around. It seemed to make sense.
But now he has a new girl, and he doesn't need me anymore. She has a house and wants to put him through grad school. I think she loves him already. They play Scrabble at night on Yahoo, and it makes him laugh. She has said she believes Fate brought them together. It is ironic to me. Before he and I could be together, I had a screen name called Fate Stepped In. I used it for talking online until he started called me Kitin and I changed it. I kept Fate as my Craft name, so I guess in a way Fate did bring them together. All my mistakes compounded, and I can't call him Master anymore.
He says it is not in me, and for anyone else, I know that's true. But for him I want to try. But I have lost my place. I'm losing myself. I try to act like we're just friends, and like that is enough, but I love him. I feel as much love and devotion as I ever have, but now I am lost again and this time there is no direction.
Everyday it feels like I am dying a little more. Each day I try to build a wall to protect myself again, but it gets torn down. I don't know how to keep it in place, especially with him still here. He says he knew when he mentioned moving that he would be here until the end of June, but he did not tell me that at the time. I mentioned that he said I might have to finish school elsewhere, and now he says he never mentioned such a thing at all. It is me who has forgotten how events played out, he says. But I have spoken about these things to Coral and Jill, and they could tell him otherwise. It is a moot point though. Even if he is no longer Master, he must be right in the end.
He let me suck on him the other morning, and he finished inside me. I didn't do it to be used in that way though. I wanted to show him how I feel, and I knew he might push me away, but I had to at least try. He let me, and I was grateful. Now he says I caught him off guard as he was waking up, and sex between us in any form is a mistake, that he has shut down that part of him that feels things toward me sexually. We have been discussing bringing his new girl, Jen, here to live rather than him moving to NY (they met offline when he went to visit friends he met on collarme.com). Apparently he would be quite willing to make me live in the same house with them, and possibly never touch me again. He said it was too early to know if "never" might be the way it worked out, and since he says he prefers that I act like a free woman, I told him what I thought about the idea. I told him I still love him, that I still think of him sexually, and that I am not sure I could live with them knowing they'd be together and I would never be included. He was upset, because he said I was making sex the deal breaker. I wasn't, but I did admit it is a consideration because I am only 28 years old, and I don't want to spend my life without sex. He mentioned how I said I would live alone with just cats, and I smiled and said I never mentioned not having someone over just for a good time. He thought that was funny, and I did too, in a sad, sick way. More recently he has said if I can have sex with Jen, that he sees no problem with us all being together. He says she is bisexual, but also says she is the jealous type. I supposed kajira are all jealous, except for me, and I don't even know what I am anymore.
I keep praying for some sort of guidance, some direction, and some way to make it so this doesn't hurt so much. I can't get down on my hands and knees and beg him to stay, or to just dispose of me, should he remain here after all. But it isn't pride. It's because I know he doesn't want me to. He needs to go to NY and establish himself again, and I thought it was a good idea. Now with talk of Jen coming here, I don't know he can get away from here, which he said he wanted so much to do.
I had planned to go to TX and get a job. I was going to pretend that everything was ok, because I had to. I wrote all this down on a note, and was going to include it in the emails and IMs I have saved from when he and I used to talk before we were together. I decided to put it on this page instead, so I could add more later.
In that same interest, I would like to state how I am worried about this situation with Jen. There are of course things I do not know, because he won't tell me, but I know a few things. She is the jealous type, and is already concerned about how much power I would have over her if we do all live together. He is not consistent, even now, and I imagine she will see it too at some point. She will become as confused as I was if that happens, but being a slave, she might not handle it as well. He could destroy her, and she would allow it, whereas I would get angry. He wants to be unquestioned, but his inconsistent nature breeds caution and fear. I worry it traps him in a vicious cycle to be so bi-polar in nature, and that she will get hurt because of it. I would like to say I can be noble and try to help her, but I can't make that promise. It's more than likely going to be every woman for herself, though that sounds more callous than I really feel. I just don't have the strength to defend her and save myself too, should he revert make to his laissez faire attitude. I have Anna to think of too, and I know Jen has already asked him three times about the possibility of adopting her. Like Hell I would let that happen, even if it were legally possible. I told him if the only reason he wants me to stay around is because I am family in the sense I am Anna's mother, then he can just get over that idea. He can get his "large, hairy, Italian girl" pregnant, while Anna and I get out. Yes, he refers to Jen as a "large, hairy, Italian girl," and talked about having to meet her huge family. He's not really a family person, outside the scope of himself, Anna, and me, so it should prove interesting.
He is leaving next week, for two weeks in Rochester, where she lives. He's been having her make up her resume, because she got fired from her last job. She has four degrees, music related, and from Julliard. So she speaks four languages, and works as a secretary. I told him he should make her work in ESL. I figure if she has able to speak and read so well, and must like children, it's a logical idea. I don't think he's really thought that much about what she should do. He wanted to know my plan for the next few months again, so I told him I have a set schedule with certain things I have to get done, and as far as our relationship goes, I am taking it hour by hour. It's true, and because I am not the Master, I have this "luxury." He does not, but I think he finds it fruitless to do much planning before he spends those two weeks with her. He mentioned he did not want to take her away from her elderly father, because she had already gone off with two other men in the past, and he didn't think it was right to do it again. And yet, that is his plan now, as far as I know. I don't pretend to understand how he really feels about her, because he only speaks in vague terms. She's willing, she'll do what he tells her or else, etc. He never calls her pretty, and when I mention sex he gets quiet, but he likes the idea of being waken up each morning by having his cock sucked. What he says about her does not inspire confidence in the amount of desire she is able to instill in him, but maybe he doesn't tell me that part, so I don't get hurt. Or maybe, he doesn't feel it. I just don't know.