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Well i've just started this page for some reason... possibly because with a car at the moment, it becomes very boring sitting around all day. I think im going to just use this page to complain to myself, due to the fact that im sure there wont' be many people visiting it, which is cool cause I dont'much care as is. You'd figured after getting arrested for boozin it up i'd learn...maybe after the second time, or the 3rd time i got away with it, but no...repeated mistakes have there effects. This one being a problem...without a car life is shitty, without a girlfriend....life is shitty, all i need is to find a horse and have it run away, and i got a whole country acoustic albumn in the making. I hate country music...i dont' know how anyone can like that non sence, it's allmost as bad as hip hop, im my opionion robert frost can ryhme better than most of them, at least he has some sort of intelligiable skem, i mean, ryhyming drunk with funk, or "i get high to get by, im really sly, i know a guy, i like pizza pie, i've never worn a tie", what the hell is rap all bout anyways, i guess that's "thug life" for ya. haha, anyways, i've been listening to alot of "screamo" or screamcore" or whatever it is people call it. It's rather intresting, sometimes im in the mood for somthing a little softer, not like "phil collins" softer, but like taking back sunday, beter than ezra, thigns of that nature, and sometimes, it's all about the hardcore and metal, like vision of disorder, hatebreed, cradle of filth, bands that are crazy, and here comes some new shit, like "posion the well", "hopesfall", "alexisonfire", "from autumn to ashes", "the used", who express more of a emotinal feeling, of highs and lows, moments of contemplation, arranged by despearte tones of singing, followed by sreams of hate and rage, it's really a trip, if your not into or are unexposed to music of this nature i'd suggest strongly to check it out. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!!!? HAHAHAHA VAMPIRES WILL NEVER HURT YOU BCC is a joke college, nobody really gives much a shit there. It's taking aponquet and aging everyone about 5 years...and there you have it. the environment kinda sucks there, but there are surprizing alot of cool and nice people there, i guess it's the notion of everyone's pretty much in the same boat there, and it's certainly no fairy ride into the sunset. I dont' believe Marie broke up with ME! i mean not to sound self absorbed or anything, but come on now. I met her awhile ago, when i was at hot topic like 3 years ago. She came up to met and started talking and such, and apparently took a liking to me. Unfortuanatly at the time i was dating jessica.... so i took her #, and figured good insurance right? well let me tell you allmost 2 years later after just being friends with her, she was really lovey with me, i could tell her really liked me and i figured i'd give it a chance, cause ya know i've know her for awhile and she was a cool chick to hang out with. Well, she was really really happy and things were great, untill i started to really like her as well, i mean not that i didnt' like her before but i got really use to being around here all the time,a nd she made me feel really good and comfortable. So as soon as things were really looking up in alot of aspects of life...another short story ends with a tragic ending, what i dont' understand is why is every allways right at the wrong time...if you let someone know you care about them alot, then they dont' care as much about you, it's like you want a cd, and it's a good cd, and you really like it, but eventually you get careless, leave it out, spill something on it...and pretty soon, as soon as you want to hear that one song, as soon as your dying to hear that song song, you put it in, press play anticipating that great blast of sound....and all you hear is "click click click", as it skips, like the sound of a phone that hung up the second you had something to say...that brilliant idea you had, if you only had a pen to write it down, leaving you unsettled and disoriented as to how you can do everything right, that's wrong. It's about 11:20, actually exackly 11:, i feel like shit, im sad, im angery, and 3 valium just wont' do the trick... How can some people who say they love you, be so fucking self centerd and uncaring about other people's feelings, like they dont' even exist, only there own feelings in there own world, and if there not happy, then your somehow to blame. Be serious, I hate it when people try to take other people as fools, like im so fucking ingorant and stupid that i cant' see though your white lies. So we break up....shit happens unfortunatly, so we're friends....or not...or she dosnt' have the decentcy to call me. i went to marie's to give her a guitar petal back, and friend dave was over, and they were sitting on a couch i fucking lost my mind flipped out, and even if it's just her friend, she hasnt' had the fucking common decentcy to call me to see if im allright, nevermind alive, she calls to ask for a "footpedal" back, and then she was like oh im wicked tried, aka. get out of here or whatever, i fucking ripped shit up allmost killed that fucking faggot ass bitch, nothing feels better than poppin someone in the face....nothing, not sex heroine...nothing compares ...so now, me and her are done forever, im really sad and upset, but i guess it's better this way some things just have to end certain ways i suppose though it's a shame it does, that's the way the "cookie crumbles" sometimes.::sight::, i really though she was special and so good for me, i really did, i think that's why im having trouble dealing with this so much. sometimes i wonder if i fool myself into thinking that, and i wish i didnt' cause it's a huge let down when it things arn't how i think they are...it's like planning out your life,and then when your not looking someone steals the book and burns it and leaves the ashes for you to sort though for pieces left behind. If there is a biochemical war, I have a list of people who i hope get the worst thing they can possibly get, so i can echo my laught at them though my gas mask...that would be great. The other night i was just sitting outside having a smoke and thinking to myself...ya know tonight would be a great,...no perfect night to commit murder should i ever god forbid do,. i mean the moon was out, the wind was a breeze though the trees, slightly chilled outside, raining, and it had the feeling of a really sick horror movie, like all the elemnts were right, i bet even the tide and planets were liined up in some strange pattern, cause damn...it was sure a good night for a kill. and the only reason i know it must have been is because im just sad and upset, i wouldn't kill anyone tonight, the condidtions are poor, and i dont' have much energy left..not that i would anyways...i dont' think. meh, i did some painting today, they were intresting, a misfits painting of coarse and another one, that's kinda sloppy but cool in a way, it's like this grey path that leads off into the distance, with branches and trees allong it, and it just kinda triwls off into nothignness up into the mountains, and it's dark outside. I think im going to call it, "lost dreams" cause ya know how when you dream you feel all lost and you dont' know if your really where you are, but it seems so real, and you follow like a path though the dream, it's like a theme, and it just leads you and leads you futher into the dark, untill you reach the end which you can never see... but there's something there, somethign a pecial meaning the answer to all your questions your problems your life, and your reaching and running and running cause it's allmost in your grasp.....and then your fucking alarm clock goes off...and you look outside at the grey clouds and the rain and say "fuck...i allmost had it" XXXXVODXXXX: that came out not quite how i encoded it in my mind. you dont' know untill it's time to know XXXXVODXXXX: ya know theBUSINESS9: i get you XXXXVODXXXX: like, no need to know, untill it's time to know, so you can get to know, each other, then you'll know hehe, makes sence think about it smarty Ya know who's nice? Beth O Land... she' like one of the nicest girls. She dosn't really get too deeply involved with her life to me which is cool, she's a mysterious like and such. But I dont' think i've ever heard to say anything bad about really anyone at all, unless they derserved it or it was the truth ya know. She could have better coffee, but i mean hey who's perfect right? I mean hot or cold? what's really the diffrence anyways...hehe, no im sure she makes great coffee. Yvonne is awsome, she's is the most understanding person ever. I end up talking to her pretty much ever night for hours, and she's allways willing to listen to my pitful problems and try to help me out, that's the best thign anyone can do for someone is just listen, and i thank her for that. She's the kind of person who you could spill a bottle of vodka all over her van, or get "busted" in the state forest drinking with, and still beable to look and laught about it. there were the spring and summer of i believe 2001 prehaps...that was a pretty crazy few months, werid stuff happend, like some of the strangest thigns happen when me and her are together quite the many adventures, she's an awsome friend to have, someone you can trust, and will be there for you when you need them. Looking forward to a crazy summer...."rubinoff,poland spring, emerald spring, zackoff" all handles of vodka you can buy for under 10 bucks kids....enjoy...do enjoy. You can call it anything you want, and pretend that you dont' care, i never got to be your fred astaire, you can lie to yourself and all your friends, but the facts remain the same I never got to be your fred astaire. You find sacnaty in your own misery, it feeds your will to better yourself, to keep your head above the water before it pulls you down the drain with the rest of those bastards, the ones you though that they could use you, walk all over you, and when you turn around to give an equal reaction, your words have greater weight to them, but there mirrored back non the less, so why dont' go away for good now, cause there no repairing this, I know we'll meet again someday, but your letters and your kiss, is something i'll forget to miss. random song I wrote "This disommunication is getting us nowhere, blank stares where the window mirrors, our sadness alone, fogging up with our last breaths, replacing memories with blank pages, whiting out the words, your letters turn to ashes, but I cant' burn them out of my mind, your bedroom, my bleeding wrists, just extract these pages, empty your pockets out on the tables, unwrap your warm arms from my body, snow falls with innocent purity, and you told me that you loved me, and we sat out on your steps, talking about how good things will be, when it was only you and me, if i gave you everything that i could, would it be enough, enough to keep you next to me." another one "her embrace, one of wicked angels wings, steal back the hands of time, to a place where you were mine, flower, die, and wilther away, searching for a brighter day, maybe tommarow I can fake a smile a little better, these dreams woulds seem much realier if I could only feel her, the ashtrays collect my sorrows, draw them inside and let them out, then take what remains, and throw them out, cause as good as you were, the end was bitter filter burning, as your lips touched mine on last time, I breathed you in and let you go. yet another "take this shame and smear it, all over my face like blood, so I never forget the taste, it's so fucking pathetic, your merry go round of a soul, the one you let me sitting on, round and round we went, spinning ourselves sick, untill this tragic ride ends, and our visions are blurred indiffrent, seeing me like stars in the light, not at all, and im still here like there up there, and your kelidoscope of emotion, seems everchanging in my eyes, there's a buring like fire, deep inside of me, and you rain these meteors, down on me, setting my soul to a blaze of bliss, and then the rain pours down...." Imagies Rendering "the water is reflecting, but I only see myself, a mirror with you missing, just me and no one else." Hey get this shit...i need to use the phone right? so this fucking punk ass bitch of a boyfriend my sister has pete is on the other line with her. I say "hey can ya please get off i gotta call someone, you've been on for like an hour", no im not getting off, ra ra ra, so im like get off the fucking phone, and this wise ass bitch pete starts giving ME an attiude. That's funny, i told him to shut the fuck up and you know what the kid says? haha, he say "im gonna fucking stab you with a knife", well...good good for you peter, because heads up next time I see you, cause im gonna take it off. I dont' care if you have a knife, that's what bitch's need, casue you wont' say shit to my face. well...now that, that's out of my system, I did a bunch of charcoal drawings today, there pretty kick ass, hung a few up around the old room. I got some stuff that's gonna be in the college art exhibit, so that's defiently pretty cool. Maybe i should take art as a second major..i dunno, im not that bad at all really, but I gotta finish up my criminal justice coarses.Me and environmental police officer...hehe, i better stop throwing trash out my window. april 2 "roses shrive and die, a valentine long lost and forgotten, dated and signed with love from you, buried deep in boxes of memories, devinity threw sorrow, my lost of words confuses you, yet you have nothign to say for me, this paradox of nothingness, dwindles down like fall leaves, rotting away in dust, the wind blows our fate, futher and futher apart, distance makes the heart grow fonder, and distance makes the heart forget, solace is my scilent friend inside my head, telling me it will be ok, the sands of time with cover over these scars, the tide will turn and become a new day, an everlasting need for this acceptance, whenever i feel you pull away, it's not that i cant' live without you, it's only that i wish you'd stay, but nothing we can do, will bring back autumn leaves, fallen dead and stepped upon, accept this winter breeze, follow your path home, follow your heart all alone, and when you finally get there, that's where she will be." April 6,- I cant' remember being this aggrivated with everything and everyone in a long time....everyone seems like nothign but problems to me as of latly. Yetting too much shit get under my skin, I dont' want here how your doing I dont' give a shit, ever reminder of you is a pin in me, and i want to forget so i don't want to here your name, and then wonder why im pissed all the time. That's why i ned a month or so off from everything, a little time along just by myself to sort everything out. The more i go out to try and have fun, the more situation arise that get me into trouble, and make things worst and worst. One of those times where nothing goes right at all, absoutly nothing. I dont' drink much anymore... if you know me, and know me after i've been drinking, it's quite diffrence in how i react to things. After a pint or so of whiskey...look out hehe, yeah so fuck drinking for awhile, dosn't really provide me with much entertainment anyways. You can't drown yourself in self indulgence, it's pathetic, sometime you just gotta stand up and just face the world and everything that comes with that, no matter what it is, and not cripple yourself allong with all sorts of crutches and addictions, that just lead you down to your lowest point. Anyways, i fucking hate not having my car anymore, there's this wicked cool chick in my art class. she's a cutie no doubt, but it's hard to ask someone out to go hang out or whathaveyou, and then be like "oh yeah, your going to have to pick me up too. Oh well, things will change for the better sooner or later, hopefully this summer will be allright, but somehow i dunno. Summer is allways good times i suppose. Im going into the army...but i not this summer, fuck that man, way to hot, especially if they ship me to south carolina for basic training, i'll dy of heat exhuastion, plus i want this summer to try and have some fun, so it looks like this fall im going. That way i got my associates degree, and can have the army pay for Umass Dartmouth or sumthing, i need the struture in my life really bad anyways. I've spent the last 6 years drinking and smoking and beng a fuck up, so this will be good for me. Everyone's gotta grow up sometime, i'ts not peter fucking pan world or anything. So...life sucks, what else is new. It's stupid to put your happyness and joy into the hands of someone else cause nothing last forever, usually not over a few months at least unfortunatly hehe, shit happens, and t here's no need to feel like your losing part of yourself if you lose someone you care about cause it donst' hav to be that way unless you make it that way for yourself. You gotta tought it out, not worry about what been done, what's done is done, no regrets. You can control how you are and act, but you cant' control other people or there feelings so dont' bother trying, and dont' feel bad because you can't. All your manipulation is just fooling yourself. "beyound the realm of all control, I saw her simling in a falling hole, she blinked her eyes and dissapeared, awaking now worse than i feared, behold the nightmare becoming truth, all good and bad must come in two's, I loved the way you looked at me, with lust and stars in your eyes, I betrayed myself to stay with you, I hate myself for what you do, falling futher from what I though was the bottom, knowning now memories of me are long lost forgotten, every kiss, is a kiss of false hope, born and die alone, every moment with you, is a moment of false hope, but it's OK, your never really dead, untill you've been forgotten, the things that dont' make sence, are the things you should have gotten, and the only crime is against yourself, you alone and no one else, it's allways you who is at fault, when you place the blame on everyone else" Randomness: some poeple never change, they just enclose themselves n box like paradox's that is there world, and make the same mistakes, and allways have the same excuses, the same concerete mold that they shape there life into and refuse to change. And someday it's gonna crack you open, and your gonna find out that the act you try to put on for everyone is fucking pathtic, your theatrical stage of life, be yourself, don't play the part, you up on your mask, and take it off when your alone by yourself, your costume burns away, and were sick of your your overplayed act, no one cares but you, so who the hell are you really trying to impress? I bet you think they like you, i bet you think yoru charactor is great, I wonder if they'd like the real you as much? Your such a great actor, but you just missed your line. April 8- I feel so lonely right now, marie is gone, i though that we had something really special between us, and things just keep getting better and better, untill one day it just ended, not that i couldnt' see it coming, i've been alive almost 20 years, i can see things before they happen, but i never really understood why, and no it defiently wans't because of that...that was ALL GOOD, as i hear you snickering to yourself, bastards with no sympathy hehe. naw i dunno, it sucks. Usually I allways have someone there for me, i mean granted i've dated alot of girls in the past few years and i mean, everyone still has a special place in my heart, some bigger than other's of coarse. I hate to dwell on the past but Tori for example, god I hope no one goes and say's anything to anyone, naw i don't care really i have nothign bad to say. Tori was like that one person who turns your life around, she made me think of things in another prespective, and had such a creative and loving spirit to her, she was amazing, she made me feel like i was the most special person in the world, I really did love her, and I still do, granted not in that way anymore that was long ago in my past, but I owe her huge, she is such a considerate caring person, I dont know anyone as kinda and caring and special as her. She deserves the best of everything in life, cause that's what she gives to everyone else. I'd love to be friends with her again someday I really would, I miss her as my friend more than anything, she's someone you can say anything to, as crazy as it sounds, and she will understand, and do whatever she can to make you feel better, she thinks of other's before herself allways, and there's not many people in this world who do, so if you know her then your a very lucky person, and if you dont' you should cause there's something very special about her, she changed my life and the way i view things, and i don't even know if she ever knew how much of an impact she had on me, cause I havn't been as good a friend to her as I could have been, and for that I have great regret, hopefully someday I can make it up to her. On another note here's another ridiculous song i wrote "twisted vines of wrath, caught between frozen rain, sufficating voices, screaming out in pain, why can't you hear me calling, when im right outside your door? why cant' you see im fallng, what did you have in store? but you were destined, your destination this display case, as I watch from the glass, my breath smears the window, a heart with your initionals, but your eyes glaze over me, my fingers smear this invisable wall, can't you see you can't be bought, Just starring blankly with nothing to say, in my head every word were words i'd speak to you today, but nothing came out, just a blank stare hello, your destination display case, my breath fogged window, and i can see the words coming out, and the smile on your face, before you took my hand, the glass would break, and you and I would make our escape, out of the world of plastic glass, a paradox of an ephipany, that did not last, I realized you can't replace, anything that's empty space, cause every time you look you see, all the things that use to be, tragic, sadic, till you admit that you've had it, and just go and ask her yourself, it's hard being lonely, when your use to someone else, it's hard to face the day, without somebody's help, if only you would give me a chance, i'd make the best of letting it last, untill we go our seprates ways, and pretend to hate each other, when we really just hate ourselves." It's april 9th or so, i guess i should ramble a little bit more about things no one cares about except myself some more...how about iraq? something not so personal for a change, Bush is an oil whore.. Oil is to Bush, as Blood is to vampires. I want to go into the army, for the experience, and for the money so i can go to a good college and make something of my life, and be able to make alot of money doing something i like as opposed, no offence to anyone who choices this, but a dead end job that you work 50 hours a week your whole life just to get by doing somethign you hate. I mean it's your WHOLE FUCKING LIFE MAN DO SOMETHING THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU WITH IT FUCK BAGGIN GROCERY'S OR WORKING AT A FACTORY, and im not ragging on anyone who does work of that nature at all, it's just people have so much more potienal in them if they only had the oppertunity to expand themselves, and it's sad because some people never do get that oppurinity, they arn't lucky enought to beable to explore there likes and dislikes, and what will make them happy and feel fulfilled in life. My advice to whoever is thinking they know exackly what they want to do, great, but look into other things, keep your options open, im about to get my associates degree which is good granted but i have no real direction in life... it's sad you have a time limit to make a decision that is in effect going to become the rest of your life untill your so old that you cant' work, and then you move to florida to sit in the sun, look at women you need to take pills for just to enjoy the scenary ( my aplogies for my graphic display of words ), while your wife ask's you for the 5th time that mouring "do you want pink or yellow lemonade", "dammit woman I dont' care, just put some rum in it! "oh dear you cant', the docter say's no acholol, it's bad for your blood pressure", then you get so mad because you feel old and your wiser to and with your years, and people start treating you like your dumber, and then punk kids skateboard and ride there bikes though your garden, knock over your mail box, and your saying the same things that they'll be saying in 50 years, and you wonder how things went wrong, and think about the good old days, then you get so mad at the fact that your life has been reduced to this, you get up from you hammock to declate in a voice of rage and authoity, to speak something revolutionary, a epipany, this cartharsis, that has been hidden away in your mind, buried for 70 something years, and as you get up to scream to the world what you've figured out, why everything is the way it is, and how you finally after all these years final understand,....you heart it stops beating, your lungs collapse, and you lay breathless, eyes looking around, your dying, just dying to speak, it's in your head, and everyone's watchign you know, and you just look up at the, you dont' care that your dying, you just want to say.....you just want to say....I wish I could have said this sooner...... April 10, i think...just got finished watching clockwork orange for the millionth time with matt, but he's never seen it so i had to "enlighten" him. Played football with the guys earlier in the day good times. Since i dont' drink much anymore i've been getting back into sports and physical activities and such. When your a teenager, or young teen, you wanna be like the other kids and you smoke, do drugs, drink, things of that nature, well now I feel like I kinda want to be a kid again, and beable to have fun with my friends without getting fucked up ya know? so basketball and football have been taking up much of my time latly, it's good for me, keeps my mind semi clear, reduces stress as well. Ya know im starting to not forget, but get over marie, it's been allmost a month, well not really but...it's just a fading glimpse out of the corner of my eye now, as oppose to pictures mirrored on all sides of my mind. I love my friends more than anything in this fucking world, cause even if there times when i get caught up in stuff "aka" relationships, and sometimes dont' chill much with them for awhile, as soon as I need them there allways there for me, same thing with me for them. Im one of the luckyest people alive, to have friends that i met the first day of fucking kindergarden, joey d and eddie thomas, we have so many memories together i'd take a life time just to remember 3% of them. Raffa, another one of my best friends, dissappeared for 3 years or so, when he was dating amy which is allright everyone's gotta do there thing somtimes, but now that me and him are both single, we chill like allmost everyday hanging out and such, he's one of the nicest kids you'll ever meet. can't forgot my pal the one the only the legend"robert freeze", me and friis have done so many illegal things...there's not enought giga or mega or whatever bytes on this computer to contain all lists of things of that nature. Morse...what more can I say, the biggest asshole in the world, he'll say anything to anyone and he does not care who you are, and that's just fucking awsome. Souza... me and souza wild trips to god know's where, when i first met chris, me him and tori hung out every single night for months and months, and we all had some really great times together,..and no perverts not like that... and last but not least dik durant...dik is the funnest kid i have ever met, he can make me laught in my darkest moment.. he's one of the smartest people i have ever know...and he has done some of the stupids things i've ever seen. I've pretty much spent my whole teenage years dwelling at his house for summer after summer, sitting on his rooftop with him, getting high, drinking, smoking butts, talking about how things are gonna be when we got older all our plans and dreams and shit, and now here we are this is that time we were talking about, and I wish to a god that i dont believe in that I could have those days back again... Anyways onto something more bitter... I dont' understand why people have to say things that arin't true just to make other people look like ass's. No names mentioned but come on now...if i have something to say reguarding anything i'll pretty much say it, im a very open person, and im not one to hold much back. People who you hang out with, and people who are friends with poeple you hang out with dont' allways get allong, but that's no need to try and ruin the other's interfriendships between those other people that not right. last i heard this was america and where free to speak or not to speek to whoever we wish, and if we dont' want to talk then simply dont'. Communication of any kind does not allways imply a sexual tendancy toward the recipiate of the conversation. I talk to my dad alot...and well im certainly not in any way "trying to put the moves on him", i talk to my friends like matt dik morse, and everyone, and likewise, I talk to bethlyn yvonne and anna, but it dosn't mean im trying to sleep with them. I dont understand some people's preception of how you can't be friends with a memeber of the opposite sex without wanting to screw them, it's ridiculous, and people say to me all the time "oh so you like her" or "i see what your up to",...it's like hmm...well considering your lack of even a moderate scope of reality i think i'd take more intrest talking to my pet turtle shelly. and that's not an understatment. My sister is an idiot...she says and talks about things she has absoutly no clue about, puts words in my mouth and makes me look like an ass because "im not allwayed to talk to anyone she knows", I could say that to her about everyone she talks to that i know, but ...i dont' care, i dont' understand why she goes out of her way to try and make me look bad and make my life harder than it allready is, and then say that im an asshole.."on sorry went through all your personal computer files with jamie... we clicked the wrong button, ( nothing horribly bad, just random quotes i saved and such but still) it's just a total lack of respect. There's alot of people I kinda know that I think are really cool but I dont' really know, and myself being a social person, I enjoy conversaton and the company of others. At my college for example, tons of really cool people i've met, like in my art class, we all get allong really well and get to know each other, and there's a sence of sorta kinship to the class, like were all in this sumthing together and we have fun get to know each other and make the most of it, and make new friends as well. Im trying to be friends with this girl because it seems that we have a decent amount in common per say, and she's really nice, one of those people you can say anything to joking around and there not gonna be all uptight and serious ya know? I enjoy having friends, I like hanging out and getting to know people, and I dont' know why it people offiliate it with coming onto someone, which is completly diffrent, not that I dont' think she's cute or anything, that has nothing to do with it, just someone new to hangout with, people with diffrent thoughs and opinions other than your own are intresting people cause they can give you a prespective on things that you might not otherwise think to view. it's fustrating, when people view you as someone who "uses" people, people that obviously dont' know a thing about you, and say things like "oh i know some girl who went out with him, and she says' he's an asshole..." well then i must be i guess. And I think Santa Clause does a Joint before he takes off to bring presents all around the world in one night, so it must be true. I dont' know what im trying to say or what im talking about, and if your reading this your crazyer than I am.I just think people should judge other people from the way the act and treat them, like everyone can say what they want about someone, when actuallality they could be a great person, but someone has somethign bad to say,and people are like sheep, everyone follows this one dumb old guy with a stick beheckoning them on, when they could just as easily run freely and live there natural lives, but no they follow and follow and graze on old grass, and then one day, that old guy with the stick you've been following dons't have a stick anymore...and what's with these chains on us? hey they stick looks awfully like a ...a sword? and then he comes and slaughters them all, because they were too busy trying to please what in essence was there ulitmate undueing, slaves to this idea of heard and follow thy master, for he knows all, he'll take us where we want to be, where all is good, and together we'll all live in harmny in a valley with a river and rich grass and golden sunshines, and as these thoughts pour through there mind, the swords cut threw there unshielded body's and there dreams die in pools of blood, for following the dream too long.So let this be a lesson...dont' listen to what people say, find out for yourself, be yourself, and if people dont' like you for who you are then whatever, "dont' take advice from fools, I figured everything was cool, untill I hear it from you"- gin blossums quote hehe, that fit in nicely well im gonna end this madness here, goodnighty.-Craig I think today is april 11, it's friday at least I know that much. I woke up pissed off, it's shitty outside, and there a prophecy of a shitty day most likly, bitchy mom, blah blah blah. Anyways, this sucks, im in dier need of the summer season, at least a little warmth, prehaps a ray of sunshine? it's that too much to ask for? meh, i'll find something to entertain myself for the evening im sure. Being alone sucks... at least when I have a girlfriend I know that there's pretty much allways something to do, and no i didn't mean it like that.. haha, like it's allways fun to go see your girlie, makes you happy, or vice versa with your a chick, im not use to this freedom really, i dunno if i really like it a whole lot. With no stability, it's hard to stay out of trouble sometimes, but put it this way, i pretty much don't drink much anymore, not even close to as much as i did when i was with marie, so im just gonna blame her and say she lead me to drinking while i was going out with her, and when it was all over, well a few days after it was all over i stopped so go figure that, when i look at things in a postive way it makes me feel alot better about the sistuation at hand. Cause if you think about it, the things that make you upset and anger or stressful really dont' have to, cause there just events occuring outside of yourself in your environment, and it's all how you interprete them in your head. You can take the worst of a scenario and find some good in it if you try to, make it easier on yourself.If you view everything as being negative towards you that's gonna be the way you react to things and your not gonna be happy and no one's gonna want to be around you if your a person like that. a radomn song/writing "your ghost makes home in the castle of my mind, haunting images painting the invisable walls of my soul, tracing themselves on with razor blades, loving the hate all the same, scarring remains, ashes in the wind, your red rose lost of life, no water, no love, could bring back, hanging dead from my bed, constain reminders of your malcontent nature, come around again full circle, reasons to believe in the change of human equation, yet the answers and ending all the same, the best of days are just the eye of the storm, you cant' escape the pain that's sure to come, accept this as sorrow as an unconventional apology, even though I say I dont' care it's clear you got the best of me, so go be happy now just don't look for it in me, my words and actions coinside with heart driven with torn feeling and bitter lover's each in self repent, lock up the doors to our hearts, we'll trade the keys back, and bury them somewhere that we'd never think to look..." It's April 11, i believe..." focus in on your own self deception, they haunt you like shadows, on nights where shadow only exist in your mind, this disapline of self, a divorce from self awareness, leaves you blinded in the woods, your compass rose has long since died, you were somewhere inbetween a waste and the best that i ever had, this suclusion of indiffrence, it's a tone of grey im use to, you precive me as you see me, i concieve you as not mine, if to love is to hate, then they must be the same, it's only nature's rule, to keep this balance true, lighting matches in the dark, breif moments of clarity in your mind, remembering every fiber your eye can catch in that glimpse of enlightenment, life is an imagie of happyness, and this sunrise couldnt' come any sooner, there you are, how about that, i've been looking for you forever, and the moon dosn't wish me well, not tonight.... welll sorry that was just nonsence...hehe "He sat my the ocean, alone by himself, thinking of her, thousands of miles away, writting this letter by the moonlight, when the perfect place in the world was without her, it became that less important, under the same stars he thought, and wrote her this letter, a letter of exackly how he felt, how she made him so complete that life itself had change from just living to life.... he wrote all he ever knew, all he ever felt, all the love and things she had opened his eyes to. He felt like life without her was a life not worth living, one year and counting, counting stars and ink from his pen, what is she thinking right now, what is she doing right now...is she thinking of me, or sleeping quitly and peacefully in the bed we shared some many cold winter nights, holding each other like as soon as we let go we would never be able to hold each other again... her last words to him, on that last day together....no matter what happens i will allways love you, and those last words he never forgot, taughting happyness and life from a distance, they haunt this castle of a soul, the walls tend to echo unforgettable things, one last kiss, one last touch, and then forever gone.... he keeps that note...hidden away, he knows he should have given it to her, he knows he should have told her exackly how he felt, when she cared so much, when she opened herself up, he shunned himself away, for the simple reason of keeping himself sheltered from the pain of being loved and loving, though he did, his courage grew less, less than he allready had, she needed to hear that love, she would do anything for him, anything, and he turned away, he took his pride and walked slowly towards to the cematary, and buried his love, the love he found and just could not understand, could not be hurt again, so with a shovel made of emotion itself dug a hole, one that took many long nights of thoughtless pain to dig, and when the storm came, he gave her his heart, and told her to bury it here, and never come back again, dont' ever come back again... for he was undeserving of such love and care, no gravestone, no message written, words were never enought, and to be forgotten is to be reborn, reborn with memory, and an expired heart long lost in misery, somewhere out there, this journy back to find himself, is long and hard, anywhere and everywhere she is to him in his mind, but memories fade away, and each day, it get's harder and harder, to find his way back to where he knows he belongs" "torn between what we are and what we are, empty glass abandoned rooms, reach out to silver silk in dreams, and feel the softess touch of air, all i wanted was you and i dont' care, all i do is wonder, and hope, and all because of you, infactuated with is endless circle, realms of love twisting in summer sky's, fireworks explode like emotion, seeping my darkest sence, my eyes they open and close, with contrast to light and dark, bliss to devistation in an blink of an eye, yes i ment what i said, anger out of your misunderstanding, my statements concert on fact, that turned out to be still wet, misshaped, mistook for what was not, it's ok, its only the worst feeling ever, but im sure i'll feel it again, so you don't have to feel bad, you dont'have to be my friend, my friends are here, to hold me up, while push me away, so i guess, this is the last time we hold hands, i never liked that movie anyway, and you live your life to bland, i mean to make mistakes, i flourish in my loss, i feel alive to feel not dead, at all and any cost, cause these opperunity's, of life and what i could have been, have been slipping though my fingers, even if i caught just one of them, no more, no i cant' stand to let my self down again, when you live in a glass house, the rocks become your friend" April 23, I went with matt to see Cold last night, fuckng awsome show, plus i've been meaning to see finger eleven for a long time. I saw Cold years ago even before 13 ways to bleed onstage came out, like 99 ish, at tattoo the earth. They were good then, even better now. It was a good time. Me and Matt completly destoryed an entire bottle of whiskey at the show hehe, after I said I would cut back on the drinking, I have been, but last night was a hardcore slip up, but all in good natured fun. I havn't been much in the writing mood as of latly, things could be going alot better than they have been latly I suppose. Fucking surgey in a couple weeks...that sucks im kinda worried about it, i've never been "under the knife" before...but i guess drugs will take you away to never never land, why people drill and cut into me...sounds great...they give you a form to sign, and it say's "not responicble if complications arise, which may result in injury/and/or/ loss of life"....i was like what the fuck are you serious? haha, that's "standard prodedure" they nurse chick say's, im like well.. you might what to make a revised edition of this paper, possibly rewording it and/or, leaving that part out. Anyways, thing's are not going to well...not to well at all. I have no real attachments to anyone right now, nor do I want any. Yet my actons and words seem misintrepretted by many and understood by few..i wonder why this is. Some people just know, it's like one of those intictual things, you need something kinda to put some sort of hope into, it gives for good motivation, and keeps people in high spirits. Without hope human kinds de evolves back to animal, without perpose in life, isn't really life, it's just a notion of survival without being granted other feelings other than the basic get food, shelter, reproduce ect... I wonder what to do with myself this summer...I know i'll be working at home depo part time, that shit whole of a store, it smells something inbetween paint thinner, a lumber yard, and decaying corpses. I hate that place. Fortunatly I have a job doing construction and carpentry this summer, which should bring in some decent cash so i can pick up a new "whip", preferrably something a little bit sportyer than a wagon... girls tend not be overly impressed with automobiles of that nature, unless there the kind of girls who like it's fold down rear seat options...hehe, don't worry no names to be named. Im a gentlemen like that..the funny thing about hanging out with people you dont'hang out with often is that it's sometimes better that way, cause the more you get to know someone sometimes, not allwasy but sometimes you find things that you don't like about them. Not allways though, a lot of the time you find out that a person is alot more intresting and intalecutal ( and i know i spelt that wrong deal with it ) than you gave them credit with before, possibly due to the fact most people like that you only see once in a while in a drunken stuper all you can say is hey, have a beer or a shot, followed by a high five, and a your fucking awsome. hehe, figure it this way...the stars are beautiful, especially on a warm summer night sitting outside, having a cold beer near a fire, or sitting by a lake with a special girlie in your arms, but then imagine this, upon futher investigation, .... that star would be burning and destroying everythign you know and love, it could be torturing millions of innocent people, it could be a land of haunt and death and horror...but your so far away all you see is this perfect beautiful shinning star, glistening in the midnight sky. So think about that...think long and hard, some things are all right from a distance, don't let yourself be burned. Well, I kinda just got up... it's about 8:30 saterday night. hehe, there's somthing not right about that theoretically speaking. Well anyways last night I rediscovered someone, who I didnt' really know before, but knew who they were type deal. As it turned out she ended up being someone I discovered I really get allong with well and really like. We ended up just talking all night...and mouring, considering sleeping 2 people on a 3 foot wide leather couch is near impossible. I felt really comfortable talking and being with her, and she's adorably cute, it's werid to think if I wasn't were i was last night, and she wasnt' were she was last night, I might never have come to find what a great person she is. Well it's May 2, by 9 minutes or so so i guess it's offically "my birthday", I dont' really like to make a big deal out of my birthday it's just another day i suppose. I know tommarow my mom's gonna be like " look at you all grown up, i remember when you were this big ::holds her hand out about 5 inches apart::, your not even a teenager anymore",....like i need the reminder. Being a teenager was the strangest, hardest, and most learning experience i believe you will have in your entire lifetime. You fall in love..you get your heart broken. You do great things, you take great falls and failures, but most importantly you learn about life. Smoke your frist ciggarette, joint, your frist kiss, your first beer with your friends out in the woods somewhere, your first taste of real freedom, some nights where well...your simple not free at all hehe. It was allmost hard for me to leave high school and move on, the same way i feel that im gonna feel turning 20...no more am i a teenager...which dosnt' sound like a big deal, but for some reason it seems like it to me. Like I still picture myself as just a teenager, and i know im not going to change just becasue of a date on a calander, but its werid, it reminds you that your growing older, and that you can't just let things slip by, otherwise they may be gone forever, and some things your cant' get back. so enought with that anyways... what's going on with me...hmm.. well...there's this awsomely cool and cutie girlie...I like her alot, and I think she likes me too, which makes me really really happy because well, I havn' really felt the way i feel about this girl for anyone in awhile. Granted a couple months ago ended a relativly long relationship, but once it was over, i realized it wasnt' that strong to begin with, there wasnt' that engergy that you feel when your near that person. That feeling of comfort where you can allmost feel them radiant off you. This is how i feel about this girl.. there's just something about her that i cant' explain...I guess your not suppose to be able to, some sort of strange bond i feel towards her. Every time i see her i just want to put my arms around her and hold her, she's the sweetest girl, and im really happy to know her. You'll never find it, if your looking for it, things work in strange ways sumtimes. Well im sappy happy...but it's time to go nite nite, hopefully tommarow will be a good day ::sighs:: sweet dreams It's may 4...sunday night. well...my birthday was actually really really good. It wasn't because of any sort of presents or "cake and candles" or anything like that. It was great because I asked ashlee to be my girlfriend and she said yes, and that made me happyer than anything money could buy. Im really looking forward to getting to know her really well, I find her very intresting person to talk to, granted sometimes at the beginings of a relationship some times thing might feel a little werid once in a while, but that's just natuaral. I feel so comfortable and open around her, i feel like i've know her for a lot longer than i have allready, which is a wicked awsome thing, because i find that i cant' really open up to a lot of people at all, so that right there say's alot about her. She's a special one allright. Sometimes I get tired of everything, like school, my parents allways blaming me for everything, even if it's not my fault or I dont have anything to do with it and I just happen to around at the time, and easy target so to speak. They have no trust in me whatsoever, and it kinda makes me sad because I try really hard not to screw up or be a bad person. I dont' think im a mean or uncaring person, granted I have my times, as does everyone else. I havn't been taking my medcine much latly, but for some reason I dont' really feel worse, granted things at home and school arn't good, and I still havn't found a job yet, and I dont' have my car back completly yet at least. But I do have one thing that's more important than any of those things, and has made me so happy in the past few weeks and that is Ashlee. Im am so much looking forward to spending this summer with her I think that i'll be great, well defiently have some good times, go off on some adventures of sorts, it should be really fun. She's just too cute, with everything she does hehe, I must say I like this girl quite a bit...it's true it's true. Sometimes i'll be sad, just sitting around doing nothing really, or getting a hard time from someone, and i'll just go and sit outside to have a ciggarette like I did today, and I started to just think about her, and then none of whatever was bothering me before really mattered. If it were up to me, i'd be with her more than I can, school and parents tend to get in the way alot of the time, but i'd give just about anything to go to sleep with her in my arms, so when I wake up and see the most cutiest adorable girl right next to me, cause that would make me happier than anything. Sometimes I wonder why my mom trys to make me feel like a horrible person, like im doing something terriably wrong by having strong feelings for someone that she dosn't think I should have. Well....I don't really know what to tell her...I can't change the way I feel and that's the last thing that i'd do. Im actually happy, sincerly happy. I stopped drinking except pretty much a few beers here and there on the weekend, and im doing better for myself, doing good in school, so why do people have to try and drag you down when they see that things are just starting to become amazing good? Sometimes I wonder if it's other people that have problems and not myself, because if your goal is to try and ruin or prevent someone from being happy and feeling good about themselves, well then obvious you can't feel to good about yourself, so maybe the problem might lie in you. Ugh...like somethign out of Romeo and Juliet, except her parents dont' seem to mind... and im an adult, and my mom is going to tell me what to do and how I feel? come on now....there's sumthing seriously wrong with that...well to be honest I could care less what anyone else thinks, as long as my girlie is happy, cause spending time with her, is like vacation from hell staight up into heaven. It's May13 or 14? maybe, something like that. it's tuesday night at least. Well me and Andrea kicked ass on finals in business managment class! hurrahh! I feel bad for her, this is her 3rd first semester, the first semester she moved, and the second her car broke down, so she never go to finish, so this is her frist college credits, so im really happy for her, she seems to have it really hard out on her own, having to take care of herself, but she's really indepenant and allways had been that way, so I think she'll do just fine. I on the other hand, have decided to run my own business this summer building and installing artifical ponds in people's yards...good good money, and fun work, maybe i'll get a tan....not that I want one anyways. Should be intresting, see if I can make something of myself this summer, and get me some money for a new car, and some fun stuff for the summer, ya kinda need money to have fun nowadays, not like back in colonial times...but then again fun to them, was till the tomamto fields and riding cattle around the pasture...hey I know what's free and fun....mmuuuwwwhahaha. haha, that's horrible, bad bad bad. what am i talking about? I dunno. Anyways, im prety happy I spent most of the day with my Ashlee, picked her up from school, and went to my house for a little while, my sister as usaull acted like a bitch, told my mom that ashlee was here with "no supervision" or sumthing, that fucking wicked childish thing to do. "tattle tale" or whatever, i mean can sum people just fucking grow up and deal with it? mind there own business once in a while per say?apparently not. ::sighs::, well other than that my day was good, even if I had to watch my so called life haha, which turned out not to be all that horribly bad. I love spending time with his girl... we played pool....wont' get even into that, i think i could run the boston marathon twice in the time it took for us to finish complete game....hehe, I have my last final tommarow, so hopefull thurdays I can chill with my hunny bunny,whenever im with her I wish we could just stay with each other, but alas such is life, and temperary depature's are a must and hey bonus! yvonne's coming back tommarow! yippy! well... sweet dreams to my ashlee babe, most likly sleeping as I speak....(spazz) hehe. Till we meet again. Well...it's wensday night. Ugh... my classes are finally over, I had my last final tonight, so now im off for the summer. Today wasnt' really a good day at all. I've come to the realization that my sister is a complete asshole. I dont' know who she thinks she is, maybe she'll come to realization, that all her excuses in the world just arn't' adding up. It's easy to take someone's word for sumthing, when you dont' get both sides of the story I suppose. What I dont' understand is if im such an asshole then why is it that she's mad at me for hanging out with people that she hangs out with? Not to say im better than her or anyone or anything, but maybe im not the asshole... maybe she should think about that. I had surgery on friday, it was horrible. the nursey lady was really nice though, which made me feel more comfortable, not in the nice way that starts pornography movies...just generally nice, talking and bullshitting with me trying to kinda relax me, cause i was actually a little bit dare i say "scared" to go under the knife for the very first time. Well it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be...mostly because I was knocked out my sedatives even before the anestiaisia kicked in. the last night i said as the wheeled me off was "if I dont' back it through alive....tell her I love her", hehe, it was pretty funny, at least my dad thought so, and well he dosn't laught much so that was a nice sight to see before blacking out into oblivion for 3 hours I suppose. They cut me all open, tubes down my throat, bones re broken...ouchie stuff, tearing out tissue...very unpleasent and apparently bloody, cause i ahd blood on my chest and arms and even my medical hospital braclet. Well I woke up feeling really werid and anxitious to leave and have a ciggarette which i hadn't had that mouring, I had wait about half an it seem liked forever....yet it seemed like no time at all, all in one....which is werid and dosn't make sence, but that's the way it was... all sorts of splints up my nose...ouchies...and bandages, i didnt' know it was gonna be as painful after it was done as it was...it's monday night now...i've been in constant agonizing pain for going on 4 days now...bleeding... and blistering pain all over my head region...it sucks..it sucks alot, and instead of perk's which they give if they take out a fucking tooth of fuck sake, they give me "tylonal 3", which is 1 single tylonal pill with a little tiny bit of codine in it. what the hell does that do for me?it's like the diffrence by trying to get a small child drunk off of 3 shots of whiskey, yeah it'll work, but you cant' get a 300 pound man drunk off that same 3 shots...i mean...come...on!urgh.... fustartion on the level of incompantance on some of those around me. My mommy's being mean to my girlie...it makes me sad, cause I like her so much, and my mom dons't understand that I dont' think, she dosn't really see that since i've been with her i've been so much cheeryier and happyier, even now with this pain, i can still smile when i think about her. and my mom dons't understand that something for once really good has happend to me, and instead of encouraging me, she's just tearing me down. I dont' understand why really, i know why she say's she does it, but i dont' think that's really why, i dont' understand it myself, she a werid lady. sometimes i think i might be a little crazy sometimes, and then i look at her, cause she's crazy not to have lived a day in her life. playing it "safe" all the time, never even trying pot...>+??come on now...never getting arrested, never doing anything anything fun or exciting or risky or wrong, that's what life is all about, making it your own adventure, make your own path, and fucking run over the briar's and thorns, and come out the other side and smile and be like...holy shit that was nuts...even if you come out with a couple scraps...much more exciting than walking around aye? it's metaphorially speaking it's pretty vaugh, but think about it and it's not. im going to sleep now...im tired, in pain, but the mav's won!!! kick ass! they say if you think or repeat something before you go to sleep you have a good chance of dreaming about it, so im just gonna end up journal for night on this.... ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee ashlee....::sighs:: awww....my ashlee sweet dreams hunny =) This weekend was hard up. Im fucking pissed, I hate when people talk shit and dont' even have the fucking balls or self respect to come and say it to my face, that's fucked up. Fucking goofy ass cartoon looking motherfucker. Let's my sister get drunk and go driving off, FUCK YOU GUY.cause if she had gotten into an accident i'll gag you with your "yellow belt", piece of advice, don't fuck with someone who studyed shit for mad more years than you. I learned from a vietnam vet marine, who studing martials arts in japan for years...get the fuck out of here with your fucking yellow belt, I wish if people wanted to talk shit they would come down knock and my door and say it, i'll welcome you in. It fucking pisses me off cause I didnt' know him and I didn't talk shit, or be like fuck that kid before even meeting him, that's fucking weak ass. I won't pull that shit if I was hanging out with my friends and he was there, trying to impress a bunch of high school kids....real cool dude...real cool. Allright, it's thursday night, im mad tired...i've been fucking working out and playing basketball all day... I dont' think I even have the strength or will to even give a fuck about this ridiculousness any long... im more upset at the fact that i wrote bad shit in here the other day, and forgot to save it...::sighs:: oh welly. say a pretty sick movie today, "outrage" mad cuking cool shit, this like 17 year old kid, he's nuts..hehe, fucks this whole guys life up...for for the sheer sake and thrill of it, just becasue he couldnt' keep his mouth shut and mind his own business, it was pretty awsome. Me and Joey D signing back up for some more martial arts down in somerset, mad good instructors down there, everyone's blah blah blah, get over it this and that, whatever, I didn't care days ago, but thanks to my great sister who is just adding fuel to the fire, making me more anger, passing on "messages" or whatever, mad childish, act your age, just drop it or get.. Sunday the 1st or sumthing...first day of june. Well... i dont' believe this shit, every time im like fuck this bullshit, someone has to say sumthing to keep getting me angery, like they want to see me lost it or sumthing, well congratduations your close. I mean seriously, what is up with that? Unnecessary aggrivation, with words and actions aimed at yours truly. With the amount of shit i've put up with in my life... from 11 on has been completly hellish, with a few stars shinning in a world of darkness. I've pretty my whole life hung out with the other kids, the nieghborhood kids, playing football with the older kids, allways having to fight up my way through the bigger, the stronger kids. Allways out to be the best at whatever I did, the fastest, the toughest, whatever it was, I wanted to be the best at it, just because the way and environment i grew up in forced me to be that way. Being the oldest, defend my siblings whenever need be, stick up for myself and my family. So yeah... maybe I don't take a lot of things lightly, I mean im not an asshole to people who treat me like they dont' allready know what im about. But I suppose i can say im no angel either, 11, arrested for the first and certainly not the last time. Assasult and battery, serious serious fights, most not worth it over girls, but reguardless it's just a matter of having respect for another person and not keep pushing them and pushing them, hitting on my girlfriend... was a mistake, there's just a point where I find myself getting to where I dont' even want to be around anyone who has anything to do with this, cause now in my family as well, that I won't stand for, I AM NOT gonna take this shit for much longer."Dangerous roads unravel inside of me. I feel so hollow, The darkest pills I've swallowed. God won't you take me. I've got to get myself away, in the shadows I'll always be hidden from the eyes that stare, come and take a chance if you dare. Broken years and shattering eyes, scars that keep me alive. A lesson lost is a lesson learned, and in the end, we all burn. The strength of one's spine is all in the eyes... I tear my brain out endlessly, searching for something that will never be. No rest, never to expect something of this world, 'cause this world owes me nothing. Submission. What you deserve is what you will get in the end No handouts. All your receiving in what you've given to me..."
