I sit in a dark room tears running down my face my thoughts torturing me why do they do this...... Stabbing me over and over nothing is worth liveing not if you never lived life. Not if you never expereinced happiness. I grew up a depressed little child screaming at myself "ITS ALL MY FAUL I'M AN IDIOT". This isn't the way to live. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS! An eighteen year old child raised by television thinking I was different because everyone had perfect lives and a loving family on TV. I had a loving family they didn't look like it but they loved me. I had a perfect life but I just didn't see it. I was blind I can see it now and I kick myself everyday for not acknowledgeing it when I had the chance. I had so many chances countless in fact. But now I am an empty shell of a person trying to cover it up with a fake smile but now I can't even do that. I hide behind a fake life trying to escape my thoughts that lead me to insanity. The end is near for me and I wonder who will care I wonder when I go will my family know who to call they don't know the people I hang around with they don't know the people I talk to online they don't know my past girlfriends. I lived a life of secretcy from them because I didn't want them to know I am a troubled youth a youth that socirty didn't ruin it was only myself. I had the perfect life I just never saw it and now that I do I only want it to go away because it is useless now. Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around but thats only if you care this isn't a cry for help this is a message to everyone DON'T BE LIKE ME live your life be happy don't mope don't be like me there are good things in life just LOOK FOR THEM. I am Julian Mendoza and I am a troubled youth made by a rotted mind.