"...And you know I don't mean to hurt you,
But you know that it means so much,
And you don't even feel a thing.
I am falling, I am fading,
I am drowning,
Help me to breathe.
I am hurting, I have lost it all,
I am losing,
Help me to breathe..."

Ok, so this is my personal Summer 2003 project. I stopped working on it for awhile cuz I felt there was just way too much to put in here. Indeed there was alot. The completion of this page, however, means the end of something wonderful. I put this page up as a reminder to myself, that I still have a lot to learn about love. The background music is BoA performing "Duvet" from the Serial Experiment Lain anime. If you took the time to read this, thanks. Otherwise, prepare for a lengthy timeline of someone who's loved and lost.

[ October 11 ]

When I first moved to Vegas, I was miserable. I had just left my island home, Guam. I had to say goodbye to my relatives. I had to say good-bye to my friends, which was the hardest thing to do. I was fortunate to spend my last few days with them. Still, the fact that I had to start a new life was just too overwhelming for me to handle. I tried looking on the bright side; I will meet more and new relatives (from my dad's side, at least) and I will ''adjust''. But I knew that I will never be myself again. I knew that I will never be happy...

[ April 28 ]

By this time, I was already working at Century 18 Sam's Town for 3 months. I've gotten used to socializing and I was getting along with a few of my co-workers and managers. Just as I was getting out of work, Moises (my manager) told me that my replacement was also from Guam. I freaked out! To my knowledge, I'm the 2nd Guammie to be working here (the first was Andrew San Nicolas but he quit a few weeks later). That's when I met Brian Manibusan. He was a JFK 2002 graduate and he was from Dededo (or Kaiser to be specific). He knew some of my JFK friends too. I was so happy cuz I finally have someone I can really talk to.

[ May 13 ]

"The Matrix: Reloaded" dry-run. All of us employees were invited to watch the movie 2 days before it officially opened. We watched it at night, maybe around 11:00 pm and we didn't get out til past 1:00 am. When I got out of the theater, I saw Brian by himself near the balcony, which was overlooking the whole lobby and box office downstairs. I checked to see if he was doing ok and I gave him some quarters so he can call his parents to pick him up. We met up downstairs, showed each other pics of our friends (I don't recognize his friends but he recognized some of mine!) and he kept me company until my parents picked up. From then on, we always talked to each other every time we saw each other at work. Brian was going to UNLV for summer classes and he would sometimes stop at the theaters after his class got out.

[ May 23 ]

Brian invites to watch a movie with him. Personally, ever since my incident with my "stalker", I vowed not to trust anybody else or even hang out with them. But I got to know Brian long enough to break that vow. I met up with him at Boulder Station and we settled on a movie, "Bruce Almighty". He was such a gentleman and refused to let me pay for anything, not even for my own ticket. Afterwards, we spent the last 2 hours just walking and talking and getting to know each other even more. We found out we had alot in common too. By the end of the night, I was happy cuz I knew I made a friend.

[ May 30 ]

My dad was at Cali for a wedding and my mom was at work and had the car. As for me, I just got outta work and I know I don't wanna spend the rest of the night just watching movies by myself. I asked Brian if he wasn't busy and if he would mind watching movies with me. Sure enough, he came through. We watched "Finding Nemo" and "The Italian Job". After that, he accompanied me from Sam's Town to my house. It was a long shortcut. He began plucking flowers from the trees we passed by and gave them to me. We reached my house and I offered him some Thai Tea for a refreshment and for the walk back. Before he left, I took a pic of us with my digi-cam. Brian also handed me a letter before leaving and he told me not to open it until he completely left my place. I did just that. I opened the letter and found out it was a poem. For me...

[ June 1st ]

Once again, I had no ride and my mom wasn't going to pick me up in another 4 hours. Brian also just got out so we decided to kill some time by watching another movie. We watched "Wrong Turn", a very stupid-ass movie. We ate and talked again. Something I said made Brian a lil more quiet and serious. He took me to the hotel area of Sam's Town. We got to the 9th floor and found a comfortable window seat that overlooked the whole atrium. We also got a good view of Mystic Falls. We sat across from each other. And from there, Brian told me how he felt about me, how he REALLY felt. I started to tear up; I had no idea I could hear such words from him. And no one has ever said those things to me before. I reached out and held his hand. "This is something I never had the courage to do", I said quietly. "Is this a dream?", he said to himself. My mom came to pick me up and the whole time, I was wishing I had more time to be with him.

For the happiness I felt with Brian, I also felt guilty. I was still with someone; I was still with Teddy. A few weeks after I left Guam, Teddy and I talked and we agreed to continue our long-distance relationship. I talked to Brian and I told him that I was torn. I didn't wanna lose Teddy but I didn't wanna lose him either. Brian said I already knew the answer: my heart belonged to Ted. But I was still torn and Teddy knew this...

[ June 7 }

Probably one of the best work days I ever had. Brian and I had the same mid-shifts, 12:00-8:00 pm. Also, we were working with some cool people Jason, Ross, Ryan, Sandy and Bill (the manager). After work, I learned that my parents went to the Aladdin casino for a concert. So once again, Brian and I spent time together at the same place, the 9th floor. Prior to this night, we watched "2 Fast 2 Furious". He gave me a pink Teddy Bear as a gift. So I decided to give him a gift as well, I gave him one of my silver rings. I told Brian that this ring was very important to me. I told him I bought this ring a few days before I left Vegas to return to Guam (X-Mas Vacation 2001) and I wore it proudly as a remembrance for the memories I had and in case I never retured to Vegas. I handed the ring to Brian and said I didn't need it anymore cuz I'm already here in Vegas and I have new memories. Brian wore the ring on his pinky. Before we stepped unto the elevator to go down to the first floor, he gave me a 'thank you' hug. Then he muttered, "What the hell...", grabbed my chin and gave me a light kiss on the cheek. He caught me by surprise, so I didn't look up or spoke to him. I called him afterwards and he apologized for doing that. I told him, "Don't be sorry."

[ June 13 ]

Friday the 13th. I had a whole morning and afternoon to kill before going to work so I secretly invited Brian to come over to my place. Not to my house, of course, cuz of my dad. We went to the community lodge where they had a gym and a swimming pool. Brian and I kicked back on a big couch for a while just talking and sharing stories and laughing. Then I unknowingly laid my head on his shoulder and he did the same thing too. We felt so comfortable with each other that we started holding hands again. Brian, however, seemed to be stressing out. He had to go to a corner of the gym to recollect himself. I followed him and tried to comfort him. He wanted to tell me something very important. It's as if time stalled for awhile because there was so much silence and thought. Brian finally said those 3 words to me. I cried cuz I couldn't return it and he said it was all right. Before I stepped outta the door of the lodge, he grabbed my hand, pulled me close and gave me a light kiss on the cheek again...

[ June 18 }

The happiness and guilt collide. I emailed Teddy about what I've been going through. I talked to him around midnight (Vegas time). And Ted went through alot of thinking and said he would help me out with my situation. He decided to let me go. Although it was the obvious choice, I never expected this. Honest to God, I didn't. Teddy said he didn't want me to suffer or "waddle" here in Vegas. So we parted ways. I let him keep my AOLG jacket and my ring and he let me keep his ring. And I could not stop crying that night cuz I knew that this was a big sacrfice for both of us...

[ July 2 ]

At this time, Brian and I were taking English placement tests at CCSN. Brian didn't do so well but he got a second chance and we registered for the same class (ENG 101). After that, we went to Game World, which is basically an awesome Anime and Video Game store. This is my first time here so I was in total awe. I couldn't decide what to buy so I settled on buying a Rurouni Kenshin keychain while Brian bought himself a Trigun keychain. Then we went to the mall, then Best Buy, then the 99 cents store for some drinks then my house. My parents were out so I gave Brian another tour of my house (first time, I just showed him the living room and kitchen). And then he grabbed my hand, pulled me in and embraced me. He whispered words in my ears that brought me to tears...

Brian: "Will you promise to wait for me just as I am waiting for you?"
Me: "Yes. I promise."

He brought out his golden necklace and on it were 2 pendants; a Chinese dragon and a round pendant with a dragon and a phoenix. Brian took the dragon pendant and gave it to me so that a part of him will always be there with me. His dad called his cell and he had to leave. He was on the thresh hold of my door and he lingered there for a while. I asked him to go before he doesn't get to the bus stop on time. Brian told me to close my eyes and after a few seconds, I did. He lightly kissed me on my lips. I opened my eyes and he was stil standing there. Then Brian waved goodbye and ran like hell, all the way to the bus stop.

[ July 3 ]

I was being sent home early from work. I didn't wanna call my parents to pick me up yet. And Brian told me beforehand that he had plans to eat with his relatives dinner tonight so that option was out. I went up to the 9th floor and read my 'Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix' book, which Brian got for me a few days earlier. I gave him a call on his cell just letting him know that I got out but I'll still be in Sam's Town cuz I didn't feel like going home. Not long after I made that call, Brian came over and surprised me! Later on, we went downstairs to Mystic Falls. We were by the bridge, just watching the waters cascading and flowing. The water glowed magenta and blue from the neon lights overhead. I looked to Brian and noticed he was looking distraught. I asked him what was wrong. Looking down, he said "forgive me." Before I knew it, he leaned in close and kiss me on the lips and stepped away. I told him, "Don't be sorry," to comfort him. He still looked sad. "Don't be sorry...", I whispered as I went up to him and kissed him back. "Back to reality," I said a few seconds later. It was a much needed reality check for both of us. We couldn't believe what just happened...

[ July 13 ]

Brian: "What do you see when you look into my eyes?"
Me: "I see you looking back at me."
Brian: "But what do you see beyond that?"
Me: "I see... I see someone I will love."

[ July 14 ]

Since that day he said those 3 words to me, I was sad on how I could never say it back to him. It's literally not that easy, even for those 3 lil words. So after much thought and courage, I finally returned it -- over the phone.

Me: "Disregard what I'm going to say cuz it won't be meaningful on the phone... Brian, I love you."

[ July 19 ]

Guam Liberation Day Parade. I went along with Brian's family (who great to see Guammies again and actually hear some Chamorro talk too! Afterwards, we went to a family friend's house for a gathering. I was stuffed from the fiesta they had at the park but Brian wasn't and he helped himself. Afterwards, I told him that he would be my last (love) cuz I could not imagine a future without him. And for the first time, Brian and I were able to say 'I Love You' to each other, face to face.

[ August 14 ]

The "Freddy vs. Jason" Movie party. It was a lil treat for us employees since we did pretty good during the Summer. Although the party doesn't really start til 11:00 pm, I insisted on being dropped early. Good reason too. It was kinda funny how Brian and I were the only ones were really dressed up for this night. He wore a kick-ass blue and gold dragonsuit top with blue jeans. Heh, everyone was bowing down to him. As for me, I came in all Punk'd out. Black and red was my color theme (cuz of Freddy!). We had some Subway sandwiches and a raffle drawing. We also got free posters too. Didn't get out til 1:10 am.

[ August 21 ]

We settled on an "unoffical" anniversary date: July 3rd.

[ August 23 ]

Extreme Bowling at Sam's Town. I hear my co-workers and managers talking about this. Basically, you're bowling in the dark with neon lights and rock music playing in the background. It's like raving, only you're bowling and instead of ecstacy, we got cigs and alcohol. A few of us decided to go for it. Since we were gonna be extreme bowling, I decided to temporarily dye my hair blue for this night. I got dropped at Sam's town before 10:00 and met up with Brian, who was already bowling. After he finished a game, we went inside the theaters to kill some while we wait for everybody to finish cleaning up. We disappeared for while. We actually didn't start bowling til it was almost 1:00 am. And I think this was the first time everybody saw Brian and I as a couple (an unofficial one though). Didn't finish til 3:00 am. I didn't care for the time cuz I knew it was time well spent.

[ September 1 ]

Labor Day. It was a holiday that we had to work, unfortunately. I figured that if Brian and I meet up at CCSN in the morning (and we know it's closed at this time), we might get direction to our classes and stuff. And despite an uncomfortable encounter with the CCSN security guard, we got enough info (uh, no we didn't). We had a whole morning to kill some time before work, so we went to Boulder Station to watch "Jeeper Creepers 2". Then we caught the bus to Sam's Town and found out we were a lil bit early so we watched "T3". Around 8:30 pm, Brian and I took our breaks at the same time. He was a lil bit worried about his grandpa, who wasn't doing so good for the past few days. He even wanted to stop by at the Sunrise Hospital but we went for movies instead (a choice we've come to regret). Brian got a call on his cell and got the bad news: His grandpa was dying. Brian tried talking to the managers to let them know that he had to leave. Then he got another call on his cell: His grandpa just passed away. I was there to see Brian's reaction to the news. I've never seen him like that before, so distraught and vulnerable and he was fighting back tears in his eyes. He called his mom and his brother and soon left work around 9:00 pm. Before he left, I gave him a long hug, which was my only way to comfort him. "I'll see you in school tomorrow ok?", he said sadly as he left. My empathy went into overdrive after he left and I was just as sad as he was.

[ September 2 & 3 ]

First day of CCSN. We had 3 classes together; Psychology 101, English 101 and Art 101 but our fourth class was our major class. His was Criminal Justice and mine was Computer Graphics 101. Introducing ourselves was funny. Brian said he was an astronaut and he almost convinced them too! Most of our classmates thought we were related since we worked at the same place and that we both came from Guam.

[ Sepetmber 11 ]

After Brian and I got outta class, we headed over to Ross' house. Ross is another cool guy I'm glad to work with. Brian and Ross became friend first since they both like anime and Ross was practically an anime guru to us. Then we became our own lil group of anime freaks. We then catched a bus to Boulder Station to watch "American Wedding", which we learned only had one showing at night time. So we went to "The Order", which was the most boring we had to watch. We sneaked into "Pirates of The Carribean". Brian and I watched the movie already so we kept falling asleep. Brian had to go home so we caught the bus and he got off at his stop. I went to Ross' house for awhile. I missed the bus so I had to ask my parents to pick me up. Also, this was gonna be my first time to introduce Ross to my parents. Big mistake. My dad went ballistic when he learned that I was the only girl in the group. He said that I could've been raped. And he also called me a "whore" for being so cheap. (Insert big-ass question mark here). I called Brian's cell and left messages about my dilemma but he never called back.

[ September 17 ]

After class, I asked Brian about how we don't seem to be acting like boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. I told him I missed the way we were. And... he never answered my question. It was almost total silence between us when we rode the bus back home.

[ September 22 ]

My 19th bday. The day before was terrible. I was distraught on the status of our "unofficial" relationship that I ranted on my Xanga journal. I saw Brian and work and we didn't make eye contact to each other or talked. I got outta work and I was dressed up to celebrate my bday with my family cuz I can't do it the next day. Unfortunately, my dad had to go UMC Quick Care since his gout was acting up again. On this day though, there was a lil twist. Brian gave me a silver butterfly pendant with blue diamonds on the wings. It was his bday gift for me. I teared up, thanked him and kissed him on the cheek. Thanks to him and a few of my friends, my bday wasn't that bad at all.

[ October 9 ]

I gave Brian a bday card since I wouldn't be able to see him on the 11th (actual bday). It was a simple card with a rose in the front. Inside was a silver sterling ring that I bought a few days earlier. I bought a ring cuz I noticed he stopped wearing the ring I first gave him. He said he was gonna open the letter on his bday.

[ October 14 ]

I was still wondering about our status. We stopped acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. We do hang out with each other but we're quiet or bored most of the time. So I decided to ask him at the cafeteria. I asked him if he missed the way we were. "There's a word for that," he said followed by a few seconds of silence. He finally replied, "I dunno." I could not believe what I just heard. I tried so hard to control myself from crying but I started tearing up anyways. I got my stuffs and went to my next class and waited in the hallway. Before that, I punched a wall.

[ October 30 ]

By then, Brian and I stopped hanging out with each other. And we only talked small talk. I thought it was useless to talk seriously with him since he pulled away a few times. Out of desperation, I asked Ross to ask Brian for me. Ross knew about our situation and noticed it before I told him about it. Anyways, it was payday and we had to pick up our checks. Ross was working at the time Brian and I arrived so he asked him. And his reply was so outrageous that it actually made Ross mad. He relayed the message to me and I had to leave the place cuz I started crying again. I spent the whole afternoon just crying and yelling, "You FUCKER! YOU FUCKER!!" Of course, my family was out.

[ November 9 ]

I found out that Erika, my Guammie friend, actually had a phone conversation with Brian. And I was so surprised with what I've learned. Before Erika told me about it, I was still angry at him for last week and the weeks before. And it showed in my Xanga entries cuz I practically dissed Brian. Unfortunately, it was too late for me. So now the tables have turned and now, he's mad at me.

[ November 29 ]

Brian stops by at Century Theaters to pick up his last paycheck cuz he quit about 2 weeks ago. I talked to him briefly and I called the office to let him up. He left as quietly as he came in...

[ December 3]

A lil more than 7 months ago, I first met someone who became a part of my new life here in Vegas. He eventually became someone I fell in love with. Just think; what are the chances of 2 people coming from Guam and ending up working together in Vegas? That's rare or maybe, it was fate. And while the time we spent was unforgettable, it saddens me to know it had to end like this and on bad terms. I think about him all the time. I still wear the ring and the butterfly pendant he gave me and I sadly recall our moments together. I hold unto those good memories...

I'm sorry Brian. I truly am and I will never stop saying sorry cuz I will never stop meaning it. I can't get over this or you and I can't move on knowing it has ended this way. I won't forget you and I hope you can forgive me.