James Bond Imposter

            There was a man named John Thompson, who was a bread-baker at the Great Harvest Bread Company. He lived in Provo, Utah, working at the Great Harvest down in Plumtree Avenue, just off Freedom Blvd.

            All of his life, he has done strange and unusual things. He was the most spontaneous person of anyone that he knew, and also the weirdest. He would just do things that he thought were funny, and would sometimes get in trouble for it.

One day he was bored, so he decided he would go to Blockbuster and rent a Nintendo 64 game.

            He went into blockbuster and headed towards the n64 games. The first game he noticed was “Zelda: The Ocarina of Time”. He remembered when he bought that game, he played up to 6 hours a day, because he was so obsessed.

Then his eye caught “The World Is Not Enough”, which was a James Bond game. When he saw this, he started laughing out loud, causing other people to stare at him. He looked at them with a pressurized serious face, with an open mouth.

When he got home he started playing it. He played for about 2 hours, and then remembered the first level, the security building, how you talk to someone at the desk, and then steal something.

He pushed restart, while laughing really hard. When the woman behind the desk was talking to him, immediately he punched her in the face, causing the alarm to go off. This made John laugh harder than he had laughed before. Then he got a strange idea, of what he could do in real life. He was now rolling on the floor, in tears.

He went to the Mall, and bought a tuxedo that looked much like James Bond’s. Then he got a really expensive watch that looked like it had a lot of advanced features. Once he was fully suited, he was starting to laugh really hard, and people were staring at him again. He went into his car, and started hitting himself, so he could stop laughing, and go on with his act.

He was finally ready to go, so he got out of his car and entered the Fairfield Inn. He walked up to the lady behind the desk. She said, “How may I help you?”

John replied, “I would like a room for the night”

The woman answered, “Name please?”

John said, “James Bond”

She said, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

Immediately John punched the woman in the face, and ran away laughing. Fortunately for him, the security guards weren’t looking, and nobody except the woman behind the desk knew what he did. John was completely out of sight, so the woman had no choice, but to let it go.

John was laughing even harder than he did in the morning. Many people stared at him while he was driving, because he was laughing so hard. After he calmed down a little, he decided that he would take a less risky approach. He planned on just talking to people rude and sarcastic.

He found a Courtyard Inn, just 5 miles away. He walked up to the lady behind the desk. She said, “How may I help you?”

John said, “I would like to stay for the night”

The woman said, “If you don’t mind my asking, what are you dressed up so nicely for?”

John replied, “If you don’t mind my asking, why does your hair look like it was electrocuted, and then dipped in Engine Coolant?”

The woman was shocked. She said, “If you are going to be rude, I will have to ask you to leave, now let’s just forget about that. What is your name?”

John said sarcastically, “My name is Static-head Coolant”

The woman yelled, “Leave!”

John turned around, and went to his car. He planned on going to a Super 8 Motel next. He found one on Canyon Road in Provo.

He walked up to the woman behind the desk, and said, “Hi, I would like to stay for the night”.

The woman smiled and said, “Yes, what’s your name?”

John said, “Bond, James Bond”

The woman gave him a strange look, and said, “Oh! Okay! I get it! Hahahaha! No, seriously”.

John said, “I am so sick of people giving me a hard time about my name! I know it appears that I am joking, but my name really is James Bond, and there’s nothing I can do about it!”

The woman said, “Oh, I apologize. I wasn’t sure”.

John grinned inside his head. “Oh congratulations, you’re pregnant!”

The woman gasped, and said, “I’m not pregnant!”

John said, “Oops my mistake, you are just pathetically fat. Ever heard of the word ‘diet’ before?”

The woman exclaimed, “Get out!”

            John was thinking about the quality of his life on the way to his car. He thought maybe he could do something really extreme now. He wouldn’t care if he went to jail, since he was getting bored with his life anyway.

            He headed to a Motel 6, where there were a lot of employees. He walked in, and went to the desk. He said, “I would like to stay for the night”.

            The woman said, “Okay, may I have your name”.

            Immediately John walked behind the desk, grabbed the woman, and threw him over his shoulders on to the ground. He found a woman nearby, and did the same thing.

            The manager came out of her office, and said, “What is going on here?”

            John gave her his pressured stare, and punched her in the face, and knocked her to the floor. He then said, “The name’s Bond, James Bond”.

            Surprisingly, there was no security there, so he just ran off, leaving the 3 women on the floor. He then decided, “Okay, I’ll stop here.”

            He went home, and decided that he would rather carry on with his life, instead of going to jail. That was the end of the James Bond business.