“The Compulsive Heartbreaker” – Part 1

There was a man named John Rutherford, who woke up one day laughing his head off because of a funny dream he had. He had a dream that he worked at a restaurant, and told his boss, he got a thousand dollar tip, when in reality he didn't. His boss was really excited, and when he found out it was fiction, he cried his head off. This made him want to do some menaceual things in real life.

He had a friend who worked at Vector Marketing, a business that has you do presentations on Cutco Knives. He found out about how easy it was to get a job doing it, so he decided to go for it, and lie to his boss. After 3 trainings, which he didn't minid, he was ready to start doing the presentations. He didn't actually want to do the presentations, so he just wrote down that he did, yet nobody bought. He wanted his huge fabrication to be good, and memorable, so he waited a week for it.

It was a Tuesday morning. He called in for PDI, and when his boss answered, he screamed, "Brian! I just sold thirty ultimate sets! Touch-down! He wanted to give them out as Christmas presents for his employees!" He could hear his boss on the other line getting really excited. Suddenly he started laughing intensely. His boss assumed this laughter was excitement. Ten minutes after talking about how exciting it was, John said, "I actually didn't. I was just kidding. I never even did one presentation." He could actually see the red flames in his bosses eyes while on the phone. He was laughing so hard, feeling compassion for his boss was completely out of the question. He was fired immediately, and was banned from setting foot in the office again.

The next day, he went to school. His Humanities class was planning a service project for the community, where they would re-paint the local pavillions. John volunteered to bring all the treats, and said he had a truck-load of rollers and ladders. He not only had none of this stuff, but was planning on setting up a hidden camera in the area they were meeting, and was going to watch them on the day of the service project from his home. He figured since it was the last day of the semester, it wasn't too risky.

He couldn't sleep the night before, because he was so excited to see their faces. He got some popcorn, and watched in delight. They kept checking their watches, and all looked anxious. None of them could paint without the supplies and ladders. He had cost them all an act of service, and created a wasted hour of waiting. He laughed about it all day. He was really getting into this compulsive lying thing. He wasn't gonna stop now, he was having too much fun.

John not only wanted to continue, but he wanted to do some even bigger, nastier things. He came from a very very wealthy family, so wealthy, he had access to millions of dollars. He decided to set up a local electronics store, about the size of Best Buy, with a similar selection. He took over the local Best Buy, renaming it "Ultimate Entertainment". He set up several discount and savings programs, which were impossibly money saving. He had a buy two CDs, get two free CDs or a DVD, buy a stereo, get ten free CDs, etc. He kept the same employees that were from what used to be Best Buy.

A month had elapsed. This business was doing impossibly well. If John's intentions were to make money, which weren't his intentions at all, altering any rewards programs would decrease the profits. He was only involved in this process for one cause - to fulfill his sense of humor.

Ultimate Entertainment was known pretty much everywhere, and customers were sooo happy with it. It was a dream come true for everybody, customers, and employees. All until John decided it was time to cause a ruckus. He notified every employee that they would be going out of business in one week, told them they were fired, and would be running the rest of the show by himself. The employees were devistated. They were living bliss, everything was going their way. And now, they were going out of business. As soon as the sign was put up, a plethora of rumors and ruckus occured. The number one question was "why?".

John announced that he would not be refunding anything, or selling anything on discount. In fact, he was going to sell all the inventory to other stores for cheap prices. Nobody would ever enter "Ultimate Entertainment" again.

John rarely slept because he was laughing so hard. He had a couple people try to sue him, but with his money, his case was always won. It was outrageous. Customers had never been so angry. Many new crews and journalists were desperate to interview him of why this happened. He refused, and just said, "Some things just don't turn out the way you would have hoped".

Over five thousand extended warranties had been purchased, for good money, and were all legally discontinued by way of his money. This entire project cost John quite a bit of money, but was well worth it, as he still had an impossibly large amount of money.

He decided to play the role of the down-trodden customer, rather than the evil-hearted store owner. He saw an ad in the paper, "If you are not satisfied with these boats, just return them, for a full refund". This was an ad for "George Stark's Powerboats", a local boat shop. He went into the shop, and found the most expensive boat, which was 75 thousand dollars. He bought the boat, bought the most expensive forms of insurance and warranties. He left the store, and could see the happy faces in the employees. He knew right then and there, they didn't have nearly as much money as he did put together.

The next week, he returned the boat, and requested his money back. He said it made him seasick, and he should never have bought it in the first place. They were all really upset, and were obligated by law to refund him his money. If they had his money, they could easily get away with not refunding him, but they didn't have that kind of money. They were sooo mad, and gave him dirty looks as he left. He almost started laughing in the store, and burst out laughing as soon as he stepped outside. The word about John Rutherford was getting around, that he was manipulating the emotions of other people with his money.

He decided to up the stakes a bit, as if he hadn't manipulated them enough already. He heard about the new XBOX 360, and how excited everybody was for it. He knew it would be desired by several people, and was anxious to see the look of disappointment in all their eyes. He contacted Microsoft, and purchased the rights of the XBOX 360. He made it so they were illegal to own, and must be returned to stores, without refund.

This was December 28th, 2005. This day would be forever known as the "Wet Eye" day, because an impossible amount of tears were shed that day by children. The government inspected every house, and made sure that no XBOX 360 was in that house. If so, it would be confiscated, and a fine of 500 bucks would be imposed.

John Rutherford was just loving life. He was constantly laughing, and always hyper. He felt no trace of guilt whatsoever at the pain he had caused, and just thought it was unbelievably funny.

End of Part 1. Stay tuned for Part 2.