Conscience Torture

Steven (saying to self) - Lying is fun!
Conscience - Lying is bad!
Steven - Who said that?
Conscience - Someone who you desperately need in this time of your life. A good conscience.
Steven - That is interesting. I hear voices, but I don't see anybody!
Conscience - You just confessed to thinking being dishonest is fun!
Steven - Please, tell me this is some kind of sick joke.
Conscience - You need to learn yourself a lesson.
Steven - Hey! I know of this great game! It's called "Go away and leave me alone!"
Conscience - Sorry. I don't play games where there is no winner. You see, if I leave, in your eyes, you win, but in reality, you lose as well, for not having my guidance."
Steven - I must have not taken my medication. I'm actually talking to a hallucination! I've never had one before though.
Conscience - Don't you have a walk-in lab to do?
Steven - Go away! You are really starting to get on my nerves.
Conscience - Well I'm sorry, but it's your own fault for saying it is fun to sin.
Steven - First of all, I never said it is fun to sin, and second of all, if this is your attempt to create some kind of moral lapse in me, you should have come earlier. Maybe when I have said and done far more sinful things!
Conscience - That was the structural force that directed my attention. This thing you just now said confirmed you need me.
Steven - How about this. You go away, and I'll call out for you when I feel I need you.
Conscience - How can we have fun if I leave?
Steven - Fun?! A conscience having fun with his client?!
Conscience - Go to your walk-in lab!
--Steven inside the walk-in lab--
Conscience - Steven! Stop cheating! Find out what mineral it is by yourself!
(Steven opens up his geology book)
Conscience - Why look on that page?! There isn't anything relevant there!
(Steven cringes, at annoyance from Conscience)
Conscience - Gypsum?!
(Steven is enfuriated, and goes to the bathroom. Immediately upon entering, he splashes cold water on his face, and makes a cringing face).
Conscience - What's the matter? You don't look too good!
Steven (whispering) - Look. I don't know what you want, but you are interfering with my work. Please go away!
Conscience - Why, so you can become a compulsive liar?
(Steven shakes head hard, and bangs his hand against wall in annoyance. Then proceeds back to the walk-in lab)
Conscience - Ooh look! It's pyrite! Fools gold!
(Steven grits his teeth. And looks at mineral number 3. Has a hard time figuring out what it is).
Conscience - Jeremy! I need help! I can't identify this mineral!
(Steven slams his fist on the table).
Steven - Sorry, there's a fly in here, and it was getting on my nerves.
Conscience - You sooo need me! You told a lie! You don't look like you're having fun!
(Steven puts tension in his stomach, to not direct any more attention)
Conscience - 11:55! Time to go to Geology!
(Steven leaves lab, and proceeds to Geology class)
--Geology with Skinner--
(Steven sits down in the second to front row)
Conscience - Good seats! Where's the hot dogs?
(Steven sits still after this comment, and is surprised)
Brother Skinner - Good afternoon!
Steven (along with class) - Good afternoon!
Conscience - Is that the best you've got?
Brother Skinner - It's getting better. Who wants to volunteer for an opening prayer?
Conscience - I do! I do!
(Steven starts laughing, and thinks to himself, "I would loooove to see that happen")
Conscience - You make fun of me! But you'll soon learn better
(Steven thinking to himself, "This idiot can read minds?")
Conscience - You'd better Donald Duck believe it!
Brother Skinner - Joke Time! Who has come prepared today with a joke?
Classmate - I have!
(Classmate starts to tell joke)
Conscience - I have one! There was a mushroom who asked this one girl out on a date! She said she didn't want to go! The mushroom said back, "Why not? I'm a fungi!" Get it! Fungi! I kill myself with that one!
(Steven, pressurizing his gut harder than before, because he didn't hear the joke. What's more, is the whole class was laughing really hard, and he missed it).
Conscience - What's wrong? Everybody else in the class thought my joke was funny!
(Steven starts laughing, despite his terrible mood, at the thought of the class's laughter reflecting the joke he heard the conscience tell).
--Brother Skinner lets class out for a break--
(Steven leaves room for a drink)
Conscience - What a fun-filled class that was!
Steven mutters - Speak for yourself. I couldn't make out one word because of you!
Conscience - What?! You weren't paying attention?! Now I know you need me!
(Steven takes a drink)
Conscience - Hurry up! I want some! My turn! My turn!
(Steven goes back to class, making a disgusted face)
Conscience - What's the matter? Bad water?
Brother Skinner - Now we are going to talk about properties of igneous rocks!
Conscience - Igneous rocks! Hooray! Time for granite! A good igneous rock! One everybody should know about!
(Steven feels hopeless)
--Class lets out--
Conscience - You don't look too good! Common cold?
Steven - You claim you're here to help me right? Then why the heck are you distracting me from my education!
Conscience - Paying attention is a choice Peter. You just didn't put forth the effort!
Steven - You are aggravating.
Conscience - You really should be mindful of other people's feelings!
Steven - People?! You know something?! You aren't even real! If you disappeared forever it wouldn't matter!
Conscience - See what the Breakfast Club has done to you?
Steven - I wouldn't blame your last client if he ended his life after 5 minutes of listening to you.
Conscience - Suicidal too?! You totally need me!
(Steven ignores angrily)
Conscience - Say! Maybe a song will cheer you up!
Steven - The only thing that would cheer me up right now is if you went away forever!
Conscience - "Old McDonald had a farm! E I E I O! And on his farm he had a cow!" HAHAHAHA! Get it? Had a cow?!
(Steven thinks it's funny, but is way too distraught to laugh)
Conscience - I know you thought it was funny!
Steven - Please! Go away!
Conscience - And ruin all our fun?
(Steven puts his face in his hands, close to tears)
Conscience - Are you okay? You look sad! Who died?
Steven - You I hope!
Conscience - Let's not be so hostile!
(Steven remembers he left his ASL workbook at home. And starts to walk fast to his van)
Conscience - Where's the fire?
Steven - How could I be so stupid?! Leaving my stupid workbook at home! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!
Conscience - Take a chill pill, it will do you good.
Steven - Look, today is really not a good day for this at all. If you insist on doing this, can it wait until later?
Conscience - Thousands of lies can be told in the time of my absence! You have too much of a bright future to be allowed to be dishonest!
--Steven is on his way back to BYU from home--
Steven - Look. Because of you, I cannot listen to my music, and this has been the worst drive I've ever had in my life!
Conscience - Be a good driver! Don't get road rage!
Steven - Believe me, my driving annoyances look pretty good to me right now!
Conscience - Watch your speed! You are going five miles per hour faster than the speed limit!
Steven - What a nightmare!
Conscience - Wake up! Wake up! It was just a bad dream! Don't sleep on the road!
Steven - There is no way that this is happening
Conscience - I know that movie! St. Elmo's Fire!
Steven - That's enough! I can't take it anymore!
Conscience - So listen to The Wall!
Steven - HA! Yeah! Right!
--Steven enters the parking lot--
(Steven sees a vacant parking spot)
Conscience - Let that car have it!
Steven - What car? Just shut up!
Conscience - Let that care have it! Let that care have it!
(The conscience's screaming tone causes Steven to slam on his brakes)
Steven - Will you shut up! Just leave! I promise you, if you are looking for someone to like you, and think it'll be me, I can guarantee you right now, it will never happen!
(Steven sees a car park in the spot he was going to park in)
Steven - You are unreal
Conscience - Such a kind soul! Giving up his parking spot for that other car!
Steven - You claim you can read minds right? Well can you read intents? I had no intent of giving that spot up!
Conscience (In a high pitched voice) - Parking permit!
(Steven slams on his brakes. Takes his binder, and slams it as hard as he can against the passenger seat).
Conscience - Whoa there! You need to learn how to control your temper!
Steven - You are not trying to help me. You are trying to annoy me! And you know what? It is working! Now please! Stop!
Conscience - Why are you still weaving around? Class starts in fifteen minutes!
Steven - UNBELIEVABLE!!
Conscience - No need to scream!
(Steven sees someone leave their parking spot, at the farthest end of the lot)
Conscience - Look! A parking spot!
Steven (sarcastically) - You think so?!
Conscience - Ya know? I do actually! What a coincidence!
(Steven parks. Gets out of the van, and slams the door.)
Conscience - You could have broken the door! I mean, afterall, you don't know your own strength!
Steven - Look. Do us both a favor. Go away, or I give you my word, I will tell nothing but lies until the day I die!
Conscience - Then you will go to heck!
Steven - You think that scares me? Right now heck looks pretty good to me!
Conscience - I'm here so you will be truthful!
Steven - The sky is blue! Dogs bark! My sweatshirt is blue! My van is white! There! 4 truths! What more could you possibly want?!
Conscience - That's a good start.
Steven - I'm going to ignore you
Conscience - You couldn't ignore me if you tried
(Steven stomps his foot on the ground in irritation)


--End of Part 1—

Part 2:

(Steven is walking to ASL)

Conscience – Why didn’t you say hi to that guy?

Steven (whispering) – Knock it off!

Conscience – He looks like a gentlemanlike young man! You should have at least waved!

Steven (whispering) – First of all, I’ve never seen him before in my life, and second of all, I don’t care!

Conscience – What if he died because you didn’t say hi to him? Then would you care?

(Steven ignores)

Conscience – I want you to turn around, and go to him now!

Steven – Yeah! Right!

Conscience – I am going to sing a really annoying song if you don’t, and not stop until you do!

Steven – I’ve had enough! Leave now! I am not going to say hi to him! I don’t know him, and nothing you do will make me say hi to him!

Conscience – This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends.

Steven – If you don’t stop this, I will start lying compulsively. If you go away, I promise, I will tell the truth.

Conscience – Yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, but they’ll continue singing it forever just because…

Steven – I’m warning you!

Conscience – This is the song that never ends!

Steven – That’s it! The sky is red! Pigs bark! ASL is the devil!

Conscience – And Green Day is the best band ever!

Steven – Shut up! Please! Why do you do this? Do you not have any friends? Do you use me as a sad and desperate attempt to pass the time? Who and what are you anyway?

Conscience – Wake me up, when September ends!

Steven – I seriously cannot believe this!

Conscience – Don’t worry! I’m here!

Steven – Please, I’m begging you, leave me alone!

(Walks into ASL)

Conscience – Today is the test!

(Steven ignores)

Conscience – Are you going to ace the test?

Steven – (Whispering) – Bother somebody else

Conscience – But then you’ll be bad!

Steven – (Whispering) – I promise you, the longer you bother me, the more misbehaved I’ll be.

Conscience – Then you’ll become a sinner!

(Teacher starts signing)

Conscience – What’s he saying Steven?! I don’t understand!

(Steven cringes, and ignores)

Conscience – Money? Apple? Train? Test?

Steven – (Whispering) – You’re distracting me, please!

Conscience – Why is the class laughing?! What did he say?!

(Steven ignores)

Conscience – What did he say?! What did he say?! What did he say?!

(Steven slams his hand on the desk)

(Class looks at him)

(Steven makes a “sorry” face)

Conscience – What’s wrong?! Why are you angry?! What happened?!

(Steven ignores)

Conscience – You never answered me! What did he say?! Why did you slam your hand on the desk?!

Steven – (Writing on paper) – I slammed my hand on the desk because you are being unbelievable annoying, and distracting. I cannot focus with you bothering me. Now go away please!

Conscience – Oh! A note! For me! Hooray!

(Steven puts head in his hands, and makes a cringing face)

Conscience – Pay attention! You are not watching him sign! Pay attention!

(Steven looks at clock and sighs)

Conscience – Why didn’t you take that parking spot when you first entered the parking lot?

(Steven’s eyes open wide, and roll)

Conscience – A perfectly good parking spot was available, yet you let someone else take it! When are you going to learn to be aggressive?!

(Steven feels his blood boiling even more)

Conscience – Here you are, feeling sorry for yourself all the time that getting a parking spot is so hard, and everyone else always takes them, yet you pass up the opportunity to beat someone else to the punch!

Steven – Writes on paper – You are the one who pestered me to let him have it you retard!

Conscience – If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too?!

(Steven makes an “I can’t believe this!” face)

Conscience – You need to learn to think for yourself!

(Steven blocks out conscience and pays attention to teacher)

Conscience – Steven!

(Steven ignores)

Conscience – Steven!

(Steven ignores)

(This goes on 3 more times)

Conscience – Steven!

(Steven writes on paper) – WHAT?!

Conscience – I forgot!

(Steven puts his hands in his face again)

(Class lets out)

Conscience – You look terribly distraught!

Steven – Why can’t you just bother someone else?!

Conscience – Because I didn’t catch them sin!

Steven – You are reprimanding me for insignificant things!

Conscience – If you say hi to that guy up ahead I will go away

Steven – You promise?

Conscience – Yes

(Steven walks up to the guy, and says hi)

Conscience – That still doesn’t justify for not saying hi to that one guy when I told you to!

Steven – Are you going to go away now?!

Conscience – No I’m not! I was just giving you a taste of your own medicine!

Steven – You promised! Go away now, or I will never say hi to anyone ever again!

Conscience – Anyone?! You are lying again! What about Amber Thompson? What if she said hi to you? Would you keep your word?!

Steven – Please, I beg of you! Stop torturing me!

Conscience – Why? So you can sin? Remember, I’m here for your own good!

(Steven enters his college algebra class)

Conscience – Are you prepared for the test?

Steven – I really need to do good on this test, and I can’t do that with you bothering me with your pointless banter! If you truly are here to help me, then leave!

Conscience – If I leave, you won’t hear my advice on your test!

(Steven almost slams his fist on the table)

(Professor Brandt hands out test)

(Steven looks at problem 1)

Conscience – That’s easy!

(Steven writes on scratch paper) – Shut up!

Conscience – That word isn’t allowed in your family! You shouldn’t say it!

(Steven writes) – Go to heck!

Conscience – That’s where you’re going if you keep this arbitrary behavior up!

Conscience – I need help! I don’t know how to do problem 2! Help!

(Steven nearly screams, but holds back)

Conscience – On this one…

(Steven writes) – Just let me take this dang test! If you insist on badgering me, save it until I’m done!

Conscience – Would you like a glass of lemonade?

(Steven writes) – Yes I would! If you would provide this for me now, I will warmly welcome this nonsense!

Conscience – Don’t be so sarcastic Peter! Here I am, making a kind gesture, and you write sarcastically in return!

(Steven works on problem 4)

Conscience – You forgot to carry the Y!

(Steven ignores)

Conscience – Carry the Y! Carry the Y! Carry the Y!

(Steven goes back, and carries the Y, making an awfully painful face, and gritting his teeth)

Conscience – If you would have just carried the Y, you wouldn’t have to be in so much pain!

Conscience – Perhaps a song will cheer you up!

(Steven ignores)

Conscience – “There must be some mistake I didn’t mean to let them take away my soul, am I too old, is it too late?”

(Steven writes) – I can’t concentrate! Please! Stop!

Conscience – “Where’s the feeling gone?”

(Steven writes) – Now I know this is a nightmare

Conscience – Pinch yourself!

(Steven ignores)

Conscience – Pinch yourself! Pinch yourself! Pinch yourself! Pinch yourself!

(Steven pinches himself, being so irritated by the childish screaming beg)

Conscience – Now you know you aren’t dreaming!

(Steven draws a middle finger)

Conscience – That is exactly why you need me! You keep talking filth and drawing dirty pictures!

(Steven looks at the clock, and sees it has only been a quarter of the class)

Conscience – I am going to tell Amber Thompson that you have a crush on her!

(Steven makes a “what?!” face)

Conscience – I know you have a crush on her!

(Steven almost cries)

Conscience – You look terrible! Perhaps a glass of lemonade would make you feel better!

(Steven continues to work on his math test, angrily)

Conscience – Why haven’t you asked her out on a date yet?

(Steven rolls eyes, and feels tears coming close again)

Conscience – Do you really think she’ll say no? She probably will if you keep sinning!

- End of Part 2 -