The Terror before Christmas

            There was a man named Mitch Thomas, who lived in Minnesota. He despised Christmas, and held a grudge against Santa Clause. He cannot forget how Santa Claus never brought him the Super Nintendo he desperately wanted a few years ago, and how he ended up having to buy it himself. The Christmas spirit was expunged from his life forever, since then.

            One day, a year ago, Mitch decided that since he didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas eight years ago, nobody deserves to get anything for Christmas. He spent this whole year planning how he would prevent Santa Claus from delivering presents to children. He also made plans to deliver 8 tracks to every child in the world, as children loathed 8 tracks, due to the fact that they are so old, and the quality is excruciatingly poor. Every time Mitch thought about this, he smiled very evil, much like the Grinch, in the timeless story, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, by the eminent Dr. Seuss.

            It was the morning of Christmas Eve, the day of Mitch’s sinister duties. Since Mitch spent all year dwelling on the trauma he faced eight years ago, he planned on feeling no tinge of guilt, whatsoever. Barely any time had to elapse before Mitch’s fun begins.

            That morning, Mitch decided to go “Christmas shopping”, to pass the time. Part of his late minute plans included nettling many ubiquitous men posing as Santa Claus in front of the plethora of children with beams of innocence in their eyes. Later, he would raze all snowmen in sight, with or without children nearby. And lastly, the ultimate plan to raise much havoc, he would kidnap Santa Claus, and take over the North Pole. It was all too perfect for Mitch.

            Later that morning, Mitch arrived at the Mall of America, where phase one of his day would begin. Mitch could see an abundance of Christmas lights, which made him feel unusually squeamish. As Mitch stalked the mall, he took notice at a man posing as Santa Clause just outside a candle store.

            When Mitch arrived at the Christmas tree, where many parents of children were waiting for them as they sat on Santa’s lap. Mitch incongruously yelled, “Hey Santa! Guess what? You are ugly! Hey kids! Guess what?! That isn’t Santa! He is pretending to be Santa! Wait! There’s more! There will be no Christmas this year! Why? I am going to kidnap Santa, and take over the North Pole!”

            One of the children’s parents walked up to Mitch, looking unusually irate, and slapped Mitch right in the face. They firmly said to him, “Don’t you EVER talk that way to these children! I refuse to let a bugger like YOU jeopardize my child’s Christmas spirit. Either you apologize to Santa and the children, or I will notify the police!”

            Mitch could not allow the slap to destroy his evil smile, so he walked away, in search of another Santa Claus victim. Thirty minutes later, Mitch found another Santa Claus, with an even longer line of children, with a distasteful look of hope in their eyes. Mitch repeated the same words he yelled before, but this time, nobody slapped him. A man approached him and said, “Hey! Beat it! NOW!” Mitch looked at the clock, and headed out for snowmen.

            As Mitch started leaving the mall, he notices a series of snowmen outside the mall. Mitch began to boil up with temptation to destroy them, but the idea of ending up in prison on account of violating public property didn’t appeal to him, as he would not be able to destroy the spirit of Christmas.

            Mitch approached a neighborhood, not more than two miles down the road, and saw a snowman that looked like the builder was either 4 years old, or the person doing it was under the influence of a strong substance. Mitch walked up to the snowman with a baseball bat in his hand. It only took one swing to completely destroy the snowman, and Mitch took great pleasure in the fact. It was time for more.

            Two snowmen later, Mitch saw a little girl in the process of making a snowman. Mitch became overwhelmed with excitement, as he planned to demolish the snowman right in front of the girls.

            Mitch walked up to the girls and said, “Hey there! Do you know how to play baseball?”

            One of the girls replied, “Why yes! My brother is on our High School’s softball team!”

            Mitch smiled and said, “I see. Well, stand back, and observe the quality of this baseball bat!”

            Mitch took a violent swing at the snowman, and took great pleasure in witnessing the shatter. Right when Mitch looked at the girls again, they ran as fast as they could to their house while crying. Mitch ran as fast as he could before any parent or guardian caught sight of him. Mitch spent ten minutes laughing hysterically about what he had done. Suddenly the hour on his watch chimed. It was time.

            Mitch turned on the teleporting machine that he spent one year constructing, and walked inside. He pushed the button that read, “The North Pole”, and off he went.

            Mitch was transported right outside of the building, where Santa was. So far, everything was going according to plan. He walked inside the building.

            When one of the guards saw Mitch, he jumped in front of him. Mitch said, “You don’t need to do that”, and zapped the guard with the “Teleport Gun” he constructed as well. Whoever he zapped with this gun, would appear in the large prison cell he built, which was secure in a way that no man could possibly consider escaping. Mitch observed the battery life of the gun, and was pleased to see that there was more battery life than he had planned on. Mitch continued searching for Santa.

            After zapping about twenty five guards, Mitch entered the realm of Santa Claus, and noticed five body guards standing in front of him. Mitch yawned, set his zapper to five, and blasted away. He started feeling that this was going to be a lot easier than he had planned for. Right after he zapped the guards, he saw a door in the distance with words that read, “Santa’s Office”. Mitch smiled, and carried on.

            When Mitch got to the door, a code box appeared in front of him, and a computerized voice said, “Please enter your code”. Mitch took out his code generator, scanned the code box, and entered his generated code. Two green lights went on, and the door opened.

            Mitch saw Santa sitting at a large desk right in front of him. Santa looked very garbled, and said. “I beg your pardon, but who are you? I don’t believe I remember seeing you around here”.

            Mitch smiled and said, “No pal, you wouldn’t remember me. I don’t exactly work here either. I do have a question for you though. Do you remember reading a Christmas letter saying, Dear Santa. All I want for Christmas this year is a Super Nintendo. I have been very good this year, and have treated others with respect. Sincerely, Mitch Thomas. Does that ring a bell at all?

            Santa replied, “No, I’m afraid not.”

            Mitch smiled in an evil way and said, “To lie to Mitch Thomas is to pay. I hope you enjoy prison Santa, and guess what, I built it myself!”

            Santa was immediately zapped, and sent to prison. Mitch was not expecting the zapper to work on Santa, but since it did, the task was simpler. Mitch saw a Christmas letter that he was reading when he walked in. It reads, Dear Santa. Please give me an XBOX. That is the only thing I ask of you. Sincerely, Robert Thompson. Mitch made sure he remembered to deliver plenty of 8 tracks to this boy’s house, since he would not be receiving an XBOX at all.

            Mitch pulled out his Mimic Zapper, which would temporarily transform him into anybody, or anything he desired. He teleported into the prison cell where Santa was, zapped him with the Mimic Zapper, teleported himself back to the North Pole, and then zapped himself with the Mimic Zapper. He was now in the entire form of the real Santa Claus, and there were no flaws in appearance, including tone of voice. Mitch’s next task was to deliver 8 tracks.

            Suddenly he was struck with an idea, and that was to deliver the 8 tracks an hour before the children go to bed, so their “surprise” will be ruined, and the sight of sad children would come sooner.

            Mitch found Santa’s Sleigh, which had a computer in front of it. Mitch did not expect to see this, and as he looked closer, he saw that the computer was programmed to deliver presents to Children all at once, by temporarily cloning Santa a few billion times. Mitch then said to himself, “Santa is so lazy!”

            He then scanned himself for cloning. The computer asked him how many 8 tracks to deliver. Mitch typed in, “100 per child, and 200 for anybody who wants only one thing for Christmas”. It was now time for the moment he had been waiting eight years for. All he had to do was push the “OK” button on the computer. Before Mitch could think, the Millennium Falcon, a ship from Star Wars, landed next to Santa’s sleigh.

            Mitch yelled, “What in the devil is going on?”

            A man who looked like a Jedi master came out of the ship, and walked towards Mitch. Mitch yelled, “Who are you, and what are you doing here?”

            The Jedi replied, “I am Mark Wedge, and I cannot allow you to follow through with this inane act!”

            Mitch laughed, “Well Master Mark, I am afraid you cannot stop me. I will give you two choices. Leave now, and I will not zap you into prison, OR, you can try what you say you will do, and I will zap you.”

            Mark laughed, “I hate to tell you this, but that zapper has no affect on me. See for yourself!”

            Mitch pointed the zapper at Mark, and pushed the button, but nothing happened. Mitch couldn’t believe it. He said, “I guess Jedi are resistant to these types of things huh?”

            Mark replied, “Indeed they are. If you come with me, I can show you something that might be in your best interest. In fact, I will leave you alone after you have come with me, and seen what I need to show you, and you can continue what I understand you have waited a few years to do.”

            Mitch appreciated his understanding. “Yes, I have waited eight years for this, and I have nothing but the fullest intentions of terminating the spirit of Christmas permanently!”

            Mitch followed Mark on to the Millennium Falcon, and took a seat. Mark flew him to Tatooine, where whatever Mark felt Mitch needed to see was. They got out, and approached a large building.

            After entering the building, they walked towards a door that was numbered 321. Mark said, “Come in here, you must see this.”

            They entered a dark room, with a white envelope sitting on the table. The envelope was addressed to Mitch. Mitch didn’t know what to say, so he just opened it. When he opened, he read,

Dear Mitch,

            Over the past eight years, I have meticulously thought about my efforts as a parent. I regret to let you know that when Santa Claus delivered your Super Nintendo, I hid it, and sold it away. I was angry, and held a grudge against the way you treated our guests the night before. I realize I never talked with you about your behavior, and I apologize for letting you know about this so late. A week ago, I was arrested, and taken to Naboo, where I made my decision to let you know about this. I was arrested because fifteen years ago, I gave the location of a rebel base to the Emperor, and betrayed the Jedi. They have been hunting me down for a long time, and persistence is what led them to Earth. A Jedi Master named Mark Wedge foresaw the termination of Christmas for good, which is why he brought you here. I hope you think what you are about to do, and I advise you to reconsider.

            Sincerely,

    Anthony Thomas

            When Mitch was done reading the letter, he said, “Will you take me back to the North Pole?”

            Mark replied, “Absolutely. I am glad to hear that you have reconsidered.”

            The whole way back to the North Pole, Mitch described in great detail how bad he felt, and how wrong he was to feel so irate over something that was partially insignificant.

            When they arrived at the North Pole, Mitch thanked Mark for helping him realize what he was about to cause, and parted.

            When he got to Santa’s sleigh, he pushed the “cancel” button, instead of the “OK” button. After that, he zapped himself into the prison cell, and freed all of the guards as well as Santa Claus.

            After Mitch explained in great detail what he was about to do and why, Santa agreed to let this incident pass by, since the guilt Mitch felt was quite extreme.

            The next morning, Mitch woke up and found a large present sitting under the Christmas tree he put up the night before. He read the label, which read, “Dear Mitch. No hard feelings, alright? Your pal – Santa Claus.” When Mitch opened the present, he smiled when he saw a Super Nintendo with a note that said, “Better late then never, right?”

            To this day, Mitch is very grateful for his change of heart, and always savors the Christmas season, as the Christmas spirit is very strong with him.