The Bread Baker That Went Insane With Cutco Slicers

There was a kid named Jonathan Butler, who lived in Provo Utah. He worked at Vector Marketing as a Sales Rep, selling Cutco Knives.

            One time, while he was showing Cutco to an old lady named Beatrice Carlson, he recited the recommendation approach. She said, "Oh! Recommendations! Oh okay! I think I'll call John Thompson first! He is a bread baker at Great Harvest Bread!"

            Suddenly Jonathan saw the image of a bread baker running frantically around the kitchen, while screaming and laughing. He shook his head, and said to himself, 'That was at another bread factory! Silly me!"

            Beatrice was on the phone with John now, she said. "Hey John, this is Beatrice how are you? Hey, I have a boy named Charles…"

            "Jonathan" he interrupted.

            "Jonathan", she said, "and he is giving presentations on Cutco! He goes to UVSC, and I was actually referred to him. Anyway, I was wondering if he could give you a call to set up an appointment for a presentation, he gets paid just to show it….uh huh… okay, I'll tell him. Bye!

            "John said yes."

            Jonathan smiled, and said, "Thank you very much!"

            The next day, during phone jam, Jonathan saw John Thompson on one of his referral sheets. He dialed the number, and said, "Hi is John there?"

            John said, "Yes! This is John! Let's just cut to the chase, like my favorite bread baker on TV does. Come to the Great Harvest Bread company in Provo any time tomorrow."

            Jonathan said, "Okay, does 3:00 work? Or would 4:30 be better?"

            John said, "I said any time, but just to cut to the chase, let's say 3:00"

            Jonathan said, "Sweet! Hey could you get a pen and write down that I'll be there at 3?"

            John said, "My favorite bread baker on TV writes everything down, why wouldn't I?"

            Jonathan tried not to laugh, and said, "Okay thank you! See you at 3 tomorrow!"

            As soon as Jonathan hung up, the thought of the bread baker sliding around in the back kitchen while screaming and laughing entered his mind again.

            'Don't be ridiculous!' he thought to himself, as he sighed, and called his next customers.

            At 3 o'clock the next day, Jonathan arrived at Great Harvest Bread with his demo kit. The bread baker greeted him, and said, "I probably won't buy anything just to let you know".

            Jonathan replied, "No problem! Like Beatrice said, I get paid just to show it!"

            They sat down at the customer eating table.

            Jonathan cut the penny, showed bad knives, and got the feeling the bread baker wasn't interested. He kept looking out the window, and twiddling his thumbs, while looking at the clock. Jonathan was now explaining the French Chef / Petite Chef, and the bread baker looked tired, and was staring at the clock.

            Jonathan thought to himself, 'This is going to be a long demo'.

            Suddenly Jonathan said, "Have you ever sliced warm bread while trying to cut it?"

            The bread baker's attention was full. "Bread! Yeah I've smashed it while trying to cut it!"

            Then Jonathan proceeded, "With the slicer, you'll get large even slices instead of the doorstop effect."

            Suddenly the bread baker made a weird face, while making a funny sound, while staring at Jonathan at the same time. "What did you say? It is a bread knife? And it is guaranteed forever? I want it! I'll get it!"

            Jonathan said, "Okay great! Can I finish my presentation?"

            The bread baker was so happy, he said, "Sure!"

            Finally Jonathan asked for the homemaker + 8 order, and the bread baker said, "Let's just cut to the chase like my favorite bread baker on TV. I only want the slicer, I have no use for the other ones. I promise you, that is all I'm interested in."

            Jonathan thought to himself, 'At least he's buying something'.

            He started writing up the order, then got to "Would you like regular ground shipping?"

            The bread baker slammed his fists on the table, and said, "Shipping? You mean I have to wait for it?"

            Jonathan said, "Well yeah! They are made in Olean New York! What are you going to do, drive there and get it?"

            The bread baker said, "I want it now! I want it now! I'm not buying from you unless I can have it now! And yes! I'll fly there! Good day!"

            The bread baker stood up, grabbed a cake, slammed it in Jonathan's face, and ran out of the store.

            Jonathan stood up angrily, called his manager, and explained what happened, and said, "I'm taking the rest of today off!"

            (Jonathan no longer appears in the story)

            The bread baker jumped into his car, and drove as fast as he could to the airport.

            When he got to the airport, he cut in line and said, "I'd like to go to Olean New York as soon as possible please!"

            The lady said, "Okay, but it leaves in 15 minutes!"

            The bread baker bought the ticket, and ran for the plane as fast as he could. When he got on the plane, and sat down, he kept complaining that they were taking too long. The people behind him told him to be quiet, but when they did, he turned around and stared at them making a weird face, and a weird sound. When they were landing, the bread baker started screaming while laughing.

As soon as the airplane landed, everyone in the plane got off as soon as they could, because the bread baker was being so annoying. He was too fast for them all though, he zipped off the plane faster than anyone in history had. He saw a boy with crutches that was in his way. He made his "bread baker" face, and pushed him, stealing one of his crutches. He then started running as fast as he could while limping on the crutch.

He caught a Taxi, and said, "Take me to the Cutco factory! I'll give you 300 bucks if you can get there in less than 5 minutes! I haven't got all day!"

The taxi man was annoyed with the bread baker's impatience, so he got to the factory in 2 minutes. The bread baker threw 3 one hundred dollar bills at his head while running with his crutch.

As soon as the bread baker entered the factory, he started panicking. He found the nearest employee, and said, "I want a slicer!"

The employee named Josh replied, "Easy there, I'll take you to Tyler, he's the one in charge of this situation."

The bread baker said, "Situation? I just want to buy a simple slicer! Is it so hard? I flew all the way from Utah to come here! I don't have all day! Now!"

Josh sighed and said, "Okay! Follow me!"

As soon as the bread baker saw Tyler, he said, "I want a slicer! And I haven't got all day!"

Tyler said, "Okay fine, who told you about Cutco, so I can give them credit for your purchase?"

The bread baker grumbled, and said, "I think his name was Jonathan Butler."

Tyler said, "From what office?"

The bread baker said, "The Provo Utah office! For crying out loud, I just want a slicer! Is it so hard?!"

Tyler said, "Okay, relax, I'll give you your slicer, and then I'll just figure this out later."

The bread baker said, "Well get on with it!"

Tyler handed him a slicer.

The bread baker made his "bread baker" face, with more passion than he ever had done before. He had never seen anything like it before. He said, "I want more slicers! What if this one breaks?"

Tyler shook his head and said, "Then send it in and get it replaced for free!"

The bread baker exclaimed, "What, and not have it for 3 weeks? NEVER!"

The bread baker took out his checkbook, stood there for a minute, and wrote a check for $30,000. "I want you to give me 30 thousand dollars worth of slicers, and NO cheating! I will do the math when I get home, and if you cheat me on this, I'll sue you!"

Tyler started laughing, saying, "Are you serious?"

The bread baker stomped his foot and said, "JUST DO IT! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!"

Tyler said, "Okay! Boys! Bring me 30 thousand dollars worth of slicers!

"Okay, they are getting it. I must ask you one question though, why are you spending 30 thousand dollars on slicers? Why 30 thousand?"

The bread baker said, "Because I accidentally backed into a red mini-van with a large semi-truck. I didn't have all day, so instead of going through all the stupid paper-work, I wrote a check for 30 thousand dollars and gave it to the owners of the red van! I don't have all day now, and I don't want to figure out how many slicers I'll need, so I am just going to buy 30 thousand worth of slicers, to save time!"

Tyler laughed and said, "Okay suit yourself!"

Josh came back and said, "Sir, how are you going to take all of this home?"

The bread baker said, "Hmmm… I saw some Cutco trucks outside! How much are they?"

Josh replied, "They aren't for sale"

The bread baker yelled, "Just let me buy one I haven't got all day! Here, I'll take it for 200 thousand dollars! Is it so hard? Good grief!"

Josh demanded that the employees load the truck with 30 thousand dollars worth of slicers, as fast as they could, to avoid the wrath of the bread baker.

Finally, the truck was loaded, and the keys were handed to the bread baker. He then replied, "Is it so hard? You guys acted like this was an act of congress! Good grief! Good day!"

When Jonathan Butler found out how much the Bread Baker bought in his name, he shook really hard while laughing. Soon he was spinning in circles screaming, because he was now at F.S.M

He peeled out, and headed out of the parking lot. He saw a parking officer at a booth, charging for parking. The bread baker screamed in frustration, took a 100 dollar bill out of his wallet, and said to the officer, "Look I haven't got all day, just take this and let me pass!"

The officer said, "As you wish".

The bread baker was really upset, and knew he needed to go to sleep. He reached into his carry-on for his wallet, and found pills he was supposed to take this morning for his mood, but forgot. Since he was feeling angry, and agitated, he decided he'd take some pills now.

He checked into his room at the Motel 6, and brought in 5 packages of slicers. He took his pills, and went to bed.

When he woke up, the sun was out, and he was in a really good mood. He thought to himself, 'that's strange, I'm always cranky in the morning'. He shook his head and proceeded to take a shower.

As soon as he was dressed and ready for the day, he saw 5 packages sitting on the table. He made the "bread baker" face, sat down, and opened one. He ripped the bubble-wrap off of a slicer, threw it aside, and scrutinized the slicer he had bought. He couldn't speak at all. Then he started laughing. Pretty soon he was laughing so hard, he started screaming.

He slapped himself in the face and said to himself, 'Okay, stay calm. I'll leave the motel. Drive home, and then put three fourths of the packages in my basement at home, and the other fourth in the back room at Great Harvest."

He took his five packages to his truck, and then walked back to the lobby.

"How was your stay?" said the lady.

"It was excellent thank you!" Said the bread baker happily.

The lady thought to herself, 'This is NOT how he was last night'.

"I'm glad! Have a good day!" she then said.

"You too!" The bread baker replied.

The bread baker jumped into his truck, and proceeded to drive home. About fifteen minutes of being on the freeway, the bread baker started laughing. He looked in his rear-view mirror, and saw a car behind him. This made him laugh harder, and he started screaming. He was really hyper.

He couldn't take it any more! He found the nearest Great Harvest Bread company, and ran to the back with his slicer. He took a piece of bread, and attempted to slice it. It didn't smash! It cut straight through without any bread complaints! He was amazed!

A heavy metal song was on the radio, and the bread baker was unbearably hyper now. He sliced bread as fast as he could while making the "bread baker" face. Eventually, he was slicing bread to the beat of the heavy metal song. Suddenly a woman walked in, and said, "Excuse me! Could I have a slice of bread with butter?"

The bread baker looked around for another employee, couldn't fine one, and said, "Coming right up!" He decided to use his slicer for the butter to. When he did, he was so amazed, he was even more hyper. He gave her the bread for free, and buttered every single slice of bread he cut. He was kind of hungry, so he decided to eat one. He started crying because it was the best tasting bread he had ever eaten. He screamed, "The bread! I'm the bread baker! The bread tastes good!"

Suddenly a man dressed in white with a chef's had walked in. He saw the bread baker, and said, "Who in the name of great Scott are you?"

The bread baker said, "I'm the bread baker! Who are you?"

The man said, "I'm the bread baker of this store!"

The bread baker hissed, and ran towards the man yelling, "I'm the bread baker! I'm the bread baker!"

The man found the Cutco slicer, and picked it up.

The bread baker hissed again, grabbed the slicer, and yelled, "Stay away from my slicer! It is mine! You can't have it!" He then ran to his truck, peeled out, and drove away.

The bread baker stopped at a grocery store, brought in one of his slicers, and headed for the bakery.

He found a loaf of French bread. His eyes lit up,  and he made the "bread baker" face again. He took out the slicer, and started slicing the French bread. An employee saw this and said, "What are you doing?! You have to pay for that!"

The bread baker said, "Erm…Duh! I'm slicing bread what does it look like I'm doing!"

He then crumbled a hundred dollar bill, threw it at the employee's face, and yelled, "Here's your money!"

The bread baker continued driving home.

Finally, he was in Provo. He drove to Great Harvest as fast as he could. When he got there, he saw that there was only one parking space left. His heart was beating really fast. He was worried that someone would beat him to it, so he slammed on the gas, and headed towards the parking spot. When he was in the parking spot, he took was breathing really heavily, almost as heavy as if he had survived an unbearably close call to death.

He took a package of slicers into the store, went in the back, and started slicing bread like he did earlier. It was just as fun as it was earlier, if not funner, and he was really hyper.

As soon as one of his employees walked in, he screamed, "Look at this! It doesn't smash the bread! It is amazing! AAAHHH!!!"

The employee said, "Okay? That's cool I guess! I can take over now!"

The bread baker stopped, and realized that her job was slicing bread. Tears nearly came to his eyes. Then he had an idea. It was brilliant! He started laughing evilly. "Oh Janet, how much do you get paid per hour?"

Janet said, "Ten dollars, why?"

The bread baker said, "How many hours were you planning on working today?"

Janet replied, "Five, why?"

The bread baker pulled out 100 dollars, gave it to her, and said, "Tell you what, you can take the day off."

Janet said, "But…"

The bread baker fell to his knees, and said, "Please! Please! I'm begging you! Take the day off! PLEASE!"

Janet said, "Okay! Whatever you say!"

The bread baker smiled evilly, and proceeded to slice and butter bread. He had never had so much fun in his life.

That night, the bread baker had a hard time sleeping, because he was so excited to slice and butter more bread the next day. He couldn't think about anything besides the slicer. He even had a dream about the slicer.

The next day, when he walked into the store, he saw one of his employees slicing bread. He ran as fast as he could to her, and said, "Wait! Stop! Stop! Please Stop!"

Michelle said, "Why? What is it?"

The bread baker said, "I'll tell you what. I'll pay you 20 bucks per hour if you cook bread the rest of the day!"

Michelle could not resist the smile, so she said, "Okay! Are you sure?"

The bread baker said, "Of course! I haven't sliced bread for a long time, you know how it is?"

Michelle said, "I guess".

The bread baker was even more excited about slicing bread today than he was yesterday.

The rest of the day, the bread baker sliced and buttered bread, while Michelle baked bread.

That evening, at closing, Michelle said, "Alright, I'm heading out".

The bread baker said, "Okay, bye!"

He said to himself, 'One more loaf, then I'll go home'.

He sliced that loaf of bread, and buttered it. 'Oh! One more loaf! Just one more loaf! Then I'll go home!'

After that, he was still unbearably unsatisfied. "JUST ONE MORE LOAF OF BREAD! I'LL JUST PAY FOR THE WASTED BREAD!"

Without thinking, he sliced and buttered three more loaves of bread.

"ONE MORE! ONE MORE!"

Suddenly the door opened. The bread baker heard a scream.

"I thought you went home for the night!"

Michelle said, "What in the world is going on in here?!"

The bread baker looked around, and saw thousands and thousands of bread slices on the floor, piled on top of each other. He said, "Oops!", realizing he was up all night slicing bread, and it was now time for the store to open".

Michelle said, "Do you realize how much this is going to cost?"

The bread baker said, "Oh don't worry, I'll pay for it!"

Michelle looked at the available loaves of bread. She screamed again. "There is only 2 loaves of bread left! 2 loaves! How are you going to explain this to the customers?!"

The bread baker popped a pill in his mouth, smiled evilly, and said, "I won't! I'm going to run away with my slicers! HAHAHAHA!!!"

That night the bread baker watched the movie Batman, that starred Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. He saw a scene that he thought was unbearably funny. He was laughing really hard. Turning red even. Then an idea entered his mind. He knew it would cost him his slicers, but he had plenty of money, and he would just drive back to the factory and buy more, so he wasn't at all worried.

For the next week, he handed out flyers to meet him outside the store, where he would be giving away free merchandise.

Since a lot of people like free merchandise, a lot of people showed up. There was a stand with a chocolate shake, and two large barrels near it. They were wondering what this was all about.

The bread baker was dressed up like the joker on Batman, with white make up and everything. He had a microphone set up.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! It is my privilege to be here with you tonight. Ha ha ha…Excuse me". (He was trying as hard as he could not to laugh).

"Now why are we all meeting here tonight? Well, I'm giving out free merchandise! As a token of my appreciation, one lucky winner will win this chocolate shake".

Suddenly a car going down University Parkway slammed on their brakes, and drove as fast as they could into the parking lot. They slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car, and ran as fast as they could towards the table. It was a man with a black mustache and a black leather jacket. He sprinted as fast as he could towards the table, grabbed the chocolate shake, and ran away.

The bread baker ignored this, and proceeded to move on with his speech. "Now what is the merchandise I am giving away for free? Well, many of you may have already heard of it! I had the privilege of sitting down with a young man who explained to me what this product is. I was really excited, so excited, I drove to the factory in New York, and ordered 30 thousand dollars worth of it! The product is a Cutco slicer, and I am giving them away for free! Turn on the music Jack!"

Suddenly disco music turned on. The bread baker reached into the barrels, took two handfuls of slicers, and threw them in the air for the people to catch.

A look of horror approached everyone's faces. They all tried to run away as fast as they could, knowing that knives were being thrown into the air.

The bread baker was laughing so hard, and screaming so hard, he could barely see, or speak or do anything. He saw some police cars coming towards the parking lot. He knew that this was the end. He was going to jail. It was inevitable.

He thought it would be funny to take advantage of the time he had left, so he grabbed a slicer, and chased a woman with it.

She was crying, and screaming, "Stop! Get away from me!"

The bread baker was screaming, "Keep running! Keep running!"

He was laughing really hard.

Suddenly a cop jumped on him, and arrested him.

The bread baker was sent to a psychiatric ward, where he would be kept under extreme supervision. He was not allowed to be anywhere near sharp objects.

Every night the bread baker would think about that night, and each time he did, it became funnier and funnier to him. He kept himself amused by memories of this event for the rest of his life.