Alone. As always, there I sit alone. No one beside me, nobody to tell me things will get better and maybe my life will turn around. Just me and my thoughts. Thoughts of fear and love and hatred of my situation. Wishing and praying that I wasn't alone, that I was with her.
Suddenly my heart stops. For, out of nowhere, I see her. How did I never notice her before? ... she is alone.
She is alone. Of all the situations in my mind that I had set up for her, this would never have been one. I am put to awe with a sudden realization that is beyond words. All of my inner turmoil over who I am and who everyone wants me to be doesn't matter. She is me, and I am her. We are one for each other. And then it happens. Something changes, something intangible occurs, and I stand up.
What is this? I ask myself. I have risen above my former position. No longer is my neck bent forward in order to place my head below the eyes of the others. Instead, I stand upright, for all to know who I am. To become aware of my presence. For so long this was an impossibility. But something sparked. Something inside this head of mine was set off by the common bond I had never realized. She and I are no longer separate entities. We understand one another, and finally I understand what I need to do.
I start to walk towards her, still unsure of what is going on. Somehow I don't need to know what I am doing. My legs are moving on their own, as if my body has been expecting this moment to happen and has planned the exact movements. Each step is done with the greatest of care. My body knows this my only chance, and if I screw this up, there is never going to be another try. A force of unreal strength was needed to move me, and yet the slightest setback will cause whatever is happening to suddenly die, never to live again.
I take another step in her direction. I look around, wondering why every person is staring directly at me. Maybe they know. Maybe they all realize that I don't belong on the path for which I am guided, and that I should never have even gotten up. However, she looks up for a brief moment and looks beyond me and I know that I am safe. All others fade out, while her image stays as clear as ever in my eyes. She is the only one that is important, she is the only one I care about and desire and need like nothing else in this world. And my only problem is that she doesn't realize it yet.
My God, I am almost there. I gasp for air after realizing my body has forgotten to breath. I look at her still, hoping she doesn't look up yet, so that maybe I can regain control of the rest of my body before it's too late. I try to remind myself that this will never happen again, but the part of me that wants to fight doesn't subside. However, I continue.
And now here I stand. Five feet from her. I see her delicate skin and her perfect hair that is currently hiding a face that would otherwise stop me and bring me to my knees. For the first time in my entire life, I start to realize what fear means. Fear that reaches far down into my soul and fights against the love that has been burning for so long, waiting and praying to be recieved by the one person I am about to encouter. And the realization that it may never exist nearly stops me, but it is too late. With my last step, I am now standing directly in front of her.
I have arrived. Years of hoping and dreaming and searching to find the hidden place inside of me that'd allow me to move my body towards my ultimate goal. Nights spent staring at my alarm clock, afraid to go to sleep because I wasn't sure if I'd get to dream about her. And now here she is, right before me, with her face starting to look up at me after noticing my presence. Everything has led to this one moment, this one tiny stitch of time in the course of the universe, that belongs only to me.
And yet now all I can really wonder is, which did I enjoy more.. the journey or the destination?