...what we said about it. It’s not much bother really, is it, when you think about it- ‘cause I’m sure Dot and Lil’ and Bennji, Tommy, wee Jodey etc can understand something as simple as us wanting to be alone for a day.—I don’t mean Julian tho’—I mean don’t pack him off to Dot’s or anywhere—I really miss him as a person now—do you know what I mean?—He’s not so much ‘The Baby’ or ‘my baby’ anymore. He’s a real living part of me now, you know, he’s Julian and everything and I can’t wait to see him. I miss him more than I’ve ever done before—I think it’s been a slow process, my feeling like a real father! I hope all this is clear and understandable. I spend hours in dressing rooms and things, thinking about the times I’ve wasted not being with him—and playing with him—you know? I keep thinking of those stupid bastard times when I keep reading bloody newspapers and other shit whilst he’s in the room with me and I’ve decided it’s ALL WRONG! He doesn’t see enough of me as it is and I really want him to know and love me, and miss me like I seem to be missing both of you so much.
I’ll go now ‘cause I’m bringing myself down thinking what a thoughtless bastard I seem to be—and it’s only sort of three o’clock in the afternoon and it seems the wrong time of day to feel so emotional—I really feel like crying, it’s stupid—and I’m choking up now as I’m writing—I don’t know what’s the matter with me—It’s not this tour that’s so different from other tours—I mean I’m having lots of laughs (you know the type he! he!) but in between the laughter there is such a drop—I mean there seems no in-between feelings.
Anyway I’m going now so that this letter doesn’t get too draggy.
I love you very much.
To Cyn
From
John xxxxxxx
xxxxxxx
xxxxxxx
P.S. Say hello to Charles
etc. for me.
P.P.S. I think you can ring
me if you have a phone there
try—if not I’ll see you in about a week
271-6565
Los Angeles
California
P.P.S.
It’s Monday the 23rd today
and I leave this time next Monday
the 30th of August—so try to phone.