In His Own Write
ABOUT THE AWFUL
I was bored on the 9th of Octover 1940 when, I believe, the Nasties were still booming us led by Madalf Heatlump (Who only had one). Anyway they didn't get me. I attended to varicous schools in Liddypol. And still didn't pass--much to my Aunties supplies. As a member of the most publified Beatles my and (P, G, and R's) records might seem funnier to some of you than this book, but as far as I'm conceived this correction of short writty is the most wonderfoul larf I've ever ready.
God help and breed you all.
~*~
PARTLY DAVE
There once upon a time was a man who was partly Dave--he had a mission in life. 'I'm partly Dave' he would growm in the morning which was half the battle. Over breakfast he would again say 'I'm partly Dave' which always unnerved Betty. 'Your in a rut, Dave' a voice would say on his way to work, which turned out to be a coloured conductor! 'It's alright for you.' Dave used to think, little realising the colored problem.
Partly Dave was a raving salesman with the gift of the gob, which always unnerved Mary. 'I seem to have forgotten my bus fare, Cobber,' said Dave not realising it. 'Gerroff the bus then' said Basubooo in a voice that bode not boot, not realising the coloured problem himself really. 'O.K.' said partly Dave, humbly not wishing to offend. 'But would you like your daughter to marry one?' a voice seem to say as Dave lept off the bus like a burning spastic.
~*~
NO FLIES ON FRANK
There were no flies on Frank that morning--after all why not? He was a responsible citizen with a wife and child, wasn't he? It was a typical Frank morning and with an agility that defies description he leapt into the barthroom onto the scales. To his great harold he discovered he was twelve inches more tall heavy! He couldn't believe it and his blood raised to his head causing a mighty red colouring.
'I carn't not believe this incredible fact of truth about my very body which has not gained fat since mother begat me at childburn. Yea, though I wart through the valet of thy shadowy hut I will feed no norman. What grate qualmsy hath taken me thus into such a fatty hardbuckle.'
Again Frank looked down at the awful vision which clouded his eyes with fearful weight. 'Twelve inches more heavy, Lo!, but am I not more fatty than my brother Geoffery whose father Alec came from Kenneth--through Leslies, who begat Arthur, son of Eric, by the house of Ronald and April--keepers of James of Newcastle who ran Madeline at 2-1 by Silver Flower, (10-2) past Wot-ro-Wot at 4/3d a pound?'
He journeyed downstairs crestfalled and defective--a great wait on his boulders--not even his wife's battered face could raise a smile on poor Frank's head--who as you know had no flies on him. His wife, a former beauty queer, regarded him with a strange but burly look.
'What ails thee, Frank?', she asked stretching her prune. 'You look dejected if not informal,' she addled.
'Tis nothing but wart I have gained but twelve inches more tall heavy than at the very clock of yesterday at this time--am I not the most miserable of men? Suffer ye not to spake to me or I might thrust you a mortal injury; I must traddle this trial alone.'
'Lo! Frank--thou hast smote me harshly with such grave talk--am I to blame for this vast burton?'
Frank looked sadly at his wife--forgetting for a moment the cause of his misery. Walking slowly but slowly toward her, he took his head in his hands and with a few swift blows had clubbed her mercifully to the ground dead.
'She shouldn't see me like this,' he mubbled, 'not all fat and on her thirtysecond birthday.'
Frank had to get his own breakfast that morning and also on the following mornings.
Two, (or was it three?) weeks later Frank awake again to find that there were still no flies on him.
'No flies on this Frank boy,' he thought; but to his amazement there seemed to be a lot of flies on his wife--who was still lying about the kitchen floor.
'I carn't not partake of bread and that with her lying about the place,' he thought allowed, writing as he spoke. 'I must deliver her to her home whore she will be made welcome.'
He gathered her in a small sack (for she was only four foot three) and headed for her rightful home. Frank knocked on the door of his wife's mothers house. She opened the door.
'I've brought Marian home, Mrs. Sutherskill' (he could never call her Mum). He opened the sack and placed Marian on the doorstep.
'I'm not havimng all those flies in my home,' shouted Mrs. Sutherskill (who was very houseproud), shutting the door. 'She could have at least offered me a cup of tea,' thought Frank lifting the problem back on his boulders.
~*~
GOOD DOG NIGEL
Arf, Arf, he goes, a merry sight,
Our little hairy friend,
Arf, Arf, upon the lampost bright
Arfing round the bend.
Nice dog! Goo boy,
Waggie tail and beg,
Clever Nigel, jump for joy
Because we're putting you to sleep at three of the clock, Nigel.
~*~
~*~
THE FAT GROWTH ON ERIC HEARBLE
One fat morning Eric Hearble wake up with an abnorman fat growth a bombly on his head. 'Oh crumb,' said Eric Hearble, who was a very very, surprised. Anyway, he carried on as Norman for why should he worried? All of a suddy he heard a small little voice calling him by name, 'Eric...Eric Hearble' it seemed to say though I couldn't say for sure.
That night the very same voice spoke saying 'Eric, I am a growth on your very head, help me, Eric.'
Soon Eric became very attached to his fat growth friend.
'Call me Scab,' the voice said and he was.
'Call me Eric,' Eric said naturly as he could. From then on you never saw Eric without the big fat scab growth on his head. And that's why Eric Hearble lost his job teaching spastics to dance.
'Were not having a cripple teaching our lads,' said Headmaster.
~*~
THE WRESTLING DOG
Once upon a tom in a far off distant land far across the sea miles away from anyway over the hills as the crow barks 39 peoble lived miles away from anywhere on a little island on a distant land.
When harvest time came along all the people celebrated with a mighty feast and dancing and that. It was Parry's (for Perry was the Loud Mayor) job to provide (and Perry's great pleasure I might add) a new and exciting (and it usually was) thrill and spectacular performer (sometimes a dwarf was used), this year Perry had surpassed himselve by getting a Wrestling Dog! But who would fight this wonderous beast? I wouldn't for a kick off.
~*~
RANDOLF'S PARTY
It was Chrisbus time but Randolph was alone. Where were all his old pals. Bernie, Dave, Nicky, Alice, Beddy, Freba, Viggy, Nigel, Alfred, Clive, Stan, Frenk, Tom, Harry, George, Harold? Where were they on this day? Randolf looged saggly at his only Chrispbut cart from his dad who did not live there.
'I can't understan this being so aloneley on the one day of the year when one would surely spect a pal or two?' thought Rangolf. Hanyway he carried on putting ub the desicrations and muzzle toe. All of a surgeon there was amerry timble on the door. Who but who could be knocking on my door? He opend it and there standing there who? but only his pals. Bernie, Dave, Nicky, Alice, Beddy, Freba, Viggy, Nigel, Alfred, Clive, Stan, Frenk, Tom, Harry, George, Harolb weren't they?
Come on in old pals buddys and mates. With a big griff on his face Randoff welcombed then. In they came jorking and labbing shoubing 'Haddy Grimmble, Randoob.' and other hearty, and then they all jumbed on him and did smite him with mighty blows about his head crying, 'We never liked you all the years we've known you. You were never raelly one of us you know, soft head.'
They killed him you know, at least he didn't die alone did he? Merry Chrustchove, Randolf old pal buddy.
~*~
I SAT BELONELY
I sat belonely down a tree
humbled fat and small.
A little lady sing to me
I couldn't see at all.
I'm am looking up and at the sky
to find such wonderous voice.
Puzzly puzzle, wonder why
I hear but have no choice.
'Speak up, come forth! You ravel me!'
I potty menthol shout.
I know you hidey by this tree
but still she won't come out.
Such softly singing lull me sleep
and hour or two or so.
I wakeny slow and took a peep
but still no lady show.
Then suddy on a little twig
I thought I see a sight.
A tiny little tiny pig
that sing with all its might.
'I thought you were a lady,'
I giggle, while I may.
To my surprise the lady
got up and flew away.
~*~
THE MOLDY, MOLDY MAN
I'm a moldy moldy man
I'm moldy thru and thru
I'm a moldy moldy man
You would not think it true
I'm moldy til my eyeballs
I'm moldy til my toe
I will not dance I shyballs
I'm such a humble Joe.
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