Disclaimer: I did not write this. A friend wrote this about me. Any person, except Jerry Springer, is purely "fake" and "accidently" managed to seem like people you know. -Jenn.
Note from the author: This is just a fictional story. Everything said in this fictional story is truly fictional, and absolutely does not intentionally reflect the personality of anyone stated here. If you are mentioned here and you feel that you have been offended, then please follow this piece of advice: get bent. Thank you.
JERRY SPRINGER: THE LOST EPISODE.
TODAY'S EPISODE: "I'VE LEFT YOU…AND I'M SLEEPING WITH YOUR LAWYER!"
Audience: Chants: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the king of trash tv,
Jerry Springer!
Audience: Chants: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry"
Jerry: Hello! and welcome to the show, we have an exiting episode for you today.
Today, we are going to meet a couple that fell in love, got married, and was
torn apart when he cheated on her…with their lawyer!
Audience: Boos; chants: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Jerry: Well, let's go ahead and get started. Here is Jennifer. Her marriage
was torn apart by their lawyer!
Audience: Screams.
Jerry: Okay, let's find out what's going on. Hello, Jennifer.
Jenn: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Jennifer, tell us how you met your ex-husband Brian.
Jenn: Well, Jerry, it all started when I was working as a cocktail waitress in
high school, which was right around the time I met that lawyer slut!
Audience: "Ooohs;" chants: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Jerry: Shh… Go ahead, Jennifer.
Jenn: Well, I was working at the bar one night, and there he was. I mean, I
took one look at that man and I was like 'Oh god, I wanna {bleep} that {bleep}
so {bleep}ing…'
Jerry: Easy, Jennifer…remember that this is a family show.
Audience: Laughs.
Jenn: So anyways, we got to walkin' an' talkin' and he was like, "Hey baby, 'ya
wanna hook up? I got a {bleep}ing blue van, down by 'da reva!" (Note: if you go to BH, you will get this, if not, smile and nod)
Jerry: Gee, sounds like a winner.
Audience: Laughs.
Jerry: So Jennifer, when did you start to sense that tension was building up in
the relationship?
Jenn: Well, before we were going to get hitched, I had hired a lawyer so we can
get a prenup goin' on because I ain't gonna marry no damn freeloader. OK, so we
go out and hire us a lawyer to throw together the papers so we can go hop on the
goodfoot and do the bad 'thang.
Audience: Chants "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Jerry: Shh! Go on.
Jenn: So we go to the lawyer's office down in downtown, and I thought that he
was acting strange and checkin' out the lawyer and stuff, but I didn't think
twice of it.
Jerry: Well, if you thought that your fiancé was "checking out" the lawyer,
wouldn't that have been a red flag for the relationship?
Jenn: Well, not really because he's acted like that to everyone.
Audience: Laughs, chants: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Jerry: Well, from what I've learned, sounds like he's a big fan of monogamy.
Well, we're going to take a quick commercial break, and we come back, we are
going to meet Jennifer's ex-husband. Don't go away, we'll be right back.
{Commercial break.}
Audience: Applause, chants: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry"
Jerry: We're back! Here's a quick recap of what we've learned so far in case
you're just now joining us, Jennifer is on our show today, and her husband had
ran off with the prenup lawyer.
Audience: Boos.
Jerry: Well, let's jump right back in and meet the cheating van-owner, here is
Brian, Jennifer's ex-husband!
Audience: Boos. A lot. Audience member screams an obscenity or two.
Jerry: Have a seat right there.
{Jennifer is seated on the left side of the stage, Brian is on the right. An
empty chair is in the middle.}
Brian: {Bleep} you all!
Jerry: Audience! Shh! Good audience.
Audience: Slight laughter.
Jerry: Brian, Jennifer is your ex-wife, right.
Brian: Yup.
Jerry: Okay, Jennifer tells us that you have cheated on her two days after the
wedding. What were you thinking, man? Right after your own wedding?
Brian: Yeah, I guess so. But hey, you can't blame me. I mean, when an ass like
that comes around, you just gotta go for it!
Audience: Boos and chants: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Brian: {Turns to Jennifer} Baby, you know you've got a nice ass too.
Jenn: Shut up, you {bleep}ing man whore! Don't talk to me.
Brian: But, but, but…
Jenn: SHUT UP! You cheated on me. With our lawyer, damn it!
Brian: What the hell does that mean? You are a damn cocktail waitress. I mean,
I'm sure that you haven't slept around…
Jenn: That's it, you mother {bleep}, son of a {bleep}!
{Chairs are knocked over while Jenn and Brian go at it. Lo and behold, Steve the security man
saves the day!}
Audience: Chants: "Steve! Steve! Steve!"
Jerry: Hmm. Looks like it's going to be a slow day today.
Audience: Laughs.
Jerry: Okay, I think it's time for a commercial break. Don't go away!
{Commercial break.}
Audience: Applause
{Jennifer's on the left, empty chair in the middle, Brian on the right. Same
as before, kids.}
Jerry: Were back! We are going to go ahead and bring out the lawyer. Here is
David!
Audience: Gasps, really chants: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
{As David enters the stage, Brian walks towards him and starts toching
provocatively. Jenn runs over the two, jumps on Brian's back, and starts
repeatedly whacking him on the head with her purse.}
Jenn: Your ass-kicking is coming next, you slutty homewrecker!
Audience: Chants…and do I really have to do the "Jerry!" thing?
{Steve jumps up on stage, observes the situation, and hesitates for a second to
observe the hysteria on stage. A few moments later, Steve, along with the help
of the other guys, saves the day, once again.}
Audience: Chants: "Steve!…" …blah, blah, blah.
Jerry: Let's see. David, we haven't heard from you yet. Tell us what's going
on.
David: Well, first of all Jerry, I just wanna tell things about how they are.
Brian is hot, he was there, and I had my own van. Bodda bing, bodda bang, bodda
boom, here we are, there we were, and it happened.
Jerry: Well obviously you know that Brian was getting married when you met him.
What was going on?
David: Well, I know something that Jennifer doesn't know.
Jerry: What was that?
David: Okay, so like, me and Brian have kinda had a fling before they met. And
we kinda had a fling after he proposed, too.
Jerry: You mean Brian and I.
David: Whatever.
Jenn: Brian, is this true!
Brian: Baby, he's gone. I don't want to be with him anymore. I {bleep}ed up,
and what's past is past. I love you, Jennifer.
Jenn: Aww…
David: What the hell??? You told me you loved me, Brian. We had a thing goin'
on between us! What the hell are you talking about that you're going to throw
it all away???
Brian: But I still…
Jenn: You still what?!?
Audience: Chants. Need I say more?
Jerry: Kids! Stop fighting! I tell you what we're going to do. I'm going to
give each of you a card and a marker, and each of you write down who you want to
be with. After the commercial break, we will reveal everything and this will be
your final answer. Stay with us everyone!
{Camera goes around to everyone doing that close-up thing to everyone on stage
while the theme song plays.}
{Commercial break.}
Audience: Applauds. Chants.
Jerry: Okay, we're going to reveal who each of you chose. Jennifer, we will
start with you.
Jenn: {Shows card.> I chose to stay }with Brian.
Jerry: David, how about you?
David: Well, Brian screwed me over, so I said {showing card} that I'm going to
go with Jennifer.
Audience: Hoots and hollers during the whole thing.
Jerry: Well Brian, whadaya say? What was your final answer?
Brian: {Without hesitation, shows audience the card} I wanna sleep with STEVE!
Audience: Chants: "Steve! Steve! Steve!"
Jerry: {Walks over to Steve.} Now Steve, just out of curiosity, who would you
choose.
Steve: Um… {Audience chants.} I'd go with that David guy in the middle.
Audience: Roars; confused not knowing whether to chant "Steve!" or "Jerry!"
{BZZZZZZZT!}
The studio goes completely quiet. The lights finally come back on and absent
from the studio is Jennifer, Brian, David, AND Steve! Klanking noises is heard
in the central air vents, as the audience chants "Jerry!"
Jerry: Well, since our guests seem to have disappeared, I guess we can't take
questions from the audience. So I'm going to go ahead and skip to my final
thoughts. Well, what we have is obviously some sort of deformed love triangle. Um…well…this has certainly been an interesting episode. As I was saying,
my final thoughts are this: If a light is green, does one not go? And if the
light is yellow, does one not go faster? And if the light is red, does one not
stop? Therefore, if we eliminated the green light and only have go faster and
stop traffic, would we get to the house of pancakes sooner? And if it really is
the house of pancakes, then why are the walls made of cinder blocks? These are
my final thoughts, so go out there and take care of yourselves, and each other. OK, this is enough. Roll credits.
Audience: Cheers, chants, makes out with each other, chants some more, etc…
{Credits roll.}
Later that day, the executive producer tells Jerry that the episode can't run.
The footage has never again seen the light of day. Some say that the tape is
locked up in a vault somewhere in Cleveland. Others say that its locked up in a
vault somewhere in Des Mones. One person said that the episode got taped over
by a bad porno movie. No one knows for sure. But the transcript…survived.
* * * * *
No one has confirmed this, but it has been rumored that Jenn may have changed
her name and became the most downloaded cocktail waitress on the net. Brian
might have either went off to be a motivational speaker for a small-town high
school football team or a regular on Saturday Night Live. David went off and
started a self-help organization called AA: Acronyms Anonymous. And Steve may
have went off and became a CNN corespondent. And that's the way it went.