86 Ways to say "masturbating male"

Applying the hand brake
Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Auditioning the finger puppets
Beats his meat
Blowing the barn
Bludgeoning the beefsteak
Bobbing your boloney
Bopping Richard
Bopping the bishop
Bopping the Bonzo
Boxing the bald champ
Buffing the banana
Burping the worm
Buttering the corn
Charms the python
Checking for testicular cancer
Choking Kojak
Choking the chicken
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Churning your butter
Clobbering the Kleenex
Clubbing the clam
Cooking the cream of cock
Corralling the tadpoles
Cranking the shank
Defrosting the fridge
Doin' The Solitary Rhumba
Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
Doing the pork sword jiggle
Electing the president
Engaging in safe sex
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker
Faxing the Pope
Feeding the ducks
Firing the flesh musket
Flogging the frog
Fly fishing
Fondling the fig
Getting a date with Slick Mittens
Getting a grip on things
Grappling the gorilla
Greases his pole
Greasing the pipe
Gripping the pencil
Hacking the hog
Holding the sausage hostage
Jacking off
Jerkin' the gherkin
Jerking the turkey
Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to 'call your parents'
Kneads his knob
Lubing the Tube
Making the scene with the magazine
Massages the half-blind ostrich
Milking the moose
Molesting the mole
Mounting a corporal
One gun salute
Paddling the pickle
Palming the calm
Patting the penis
Perling the oyster
Petting the lizard
Picking the pepper
Pipping the pumpkin
Playing pocket pinball
Playing a game of Backstroke roulette
Pounding your flounder
Pounds the tube steak
Pulling your goalie
Pumping the gas at the self-service island
Pumping the stump
Punishes the one-eyed pirate
Ringing in the new year
Roughing the suspect
Sail captain happy
Saps the schlong
Shooting the pocket rocket launcher
Spanks the monkey
Spouting old faithful
Strokes his boy
Tutoring the pupil
Tweaking the tucan
Wacks his willy