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ARTIST: Ernie Marrs

TITLE: Plastic Jesus





I don't care if it rains of freezes

'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car.

Through my trials and tribulations

And my travels through the nations

With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far.



  Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,

  Riding on the dashboard of my car ...

  I'm afraid He'll have to go.

  His magnets ruin my radio

  And if I have a wreck He'll leave a scar.



Riding down a thoroughfare

With His nose up in the air,

A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind.

Trouble coming He don't see,

He just keeps His eye on me

And any other thing that lies behind.



  Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,

  Riding on the dashboard of my car ...

  Though the sunshine on His back

  Make Him peel, chip and crack,

  A little patching keeps Him up to par.



When I'm in a traffic jam

He don't care if I say "damn"

I can let all my curses roll

Plastic Jesus doesn't hear

'Cause he has a plastic ear

The man who invented plastic saved my soul.



  Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,

  Riding on the dashboard of my car ...

  Once His robe was snowy white,

  Now it isn't quite so bright -

  Stained by the smoke of my cigar.



If I weave around at night,

And policemen think I'm tight,

They never find my bottle - though they ask.

Plastic Jesus shelters me,

For His head comes off, you see

He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask.



  Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,

  Riding on the dashboard of my car ...

  Ride with me and have a dram

  Of the blood of the Lamb -

  Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.





[Plastic Jesus has become quite entrenched in the folk tradition, so there

are considerably more folk verses than there were original ones.  Following

are folk additions and emendations, as well as additions from recording 

artists who have covered this song.]



Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,

Long as I have my plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car

I could go a hundred miles an hour

Long as I got the Almighty Power

Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice



{Refrain - repeat between every verse}

Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car

Through all trials and tribulations,

We will travel every nation,

With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.



I don't care if it rains or freezes

As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus

Glued to the dashboard of my car,

You can buy Him phosphorescent

Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,

Take Him with you when you're travelling far



I don't care if it's dark or scary

Long as I have magnetic Mary

Ridin' on the dashboard of my car

I feel I'm protected amply

I've got the whole damn Holy Family

Riding on the dashboard of my car



You can buy a Sweet Madonna

Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a

Pedestal of abalone shell

Goin' ninety, I'm not wary

'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary

Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell



I don't care what they say,  I'm gonna

Keep on prayin' to that pink madonna

Melted to the dashboard of my car.

Goin' ninety, I'm not wary

'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary

Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell



I don't care if it bumps or jostles

Long as I got the Twelve Apostles

Bolted to the dashboard of my car

Don't I have a pious mess

Such a crowd of holiness

Strung across the dashboard of my car



No, I don't care if it rains or freezes

Long as I have my plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car

But I think he'll have to go

His magnet ruins my radio

And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar



Riding through the thoroughfare

With his nose up in the air

A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind

Trouble coming, he don't see

He just keeps his eyes on me

And any other thing that lies behind



{as refrain}

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car

Though the sun shines on his back

Makes him peel, chip, and crack

A little patching keeps him up to par



When pedestrians try to cross

I let them know who's boss

I never blow my horn or give them warning

I ride all over town

Trying to run them down

And it's seldom that they live to see the morning



{as refrain}

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car

His halo fits just right

And I use it as a sight

And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far



When I'm in a traffic jam

He don't care if I say Damn

I can let all sorts of curses roll

Plastic Jesus doesn't hear

For he has a plastic ear

The man who invented plastic saved my soul



{as refrain}

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car

Once his robe was snowy white

Now it isn't quite so bright

Stained by the smoke of my cigar



God made Christ a Holy Jew

God made Him a Christian too

Paradoxes populate my car

Joseph beams with a feigned elan

From the shaggy dash of my furlined van

Famous cuckold in the master plan



Naughty Mary, smug and smiling

Jesus dainty and beguiling

Knee-deep in the piling of my van

His message clear by night or day

My phosphorescent plastic Gay

Simpering from the dashboard of my van



When I'm goin' fornicatin

I got my ceramic Satan

Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home

The women know I'm on the level

Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil

Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home

      Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home

      Leering from the dashboard of my van



If I weave around at night

And the police think I'm tight

They'll never find my bottle, though they ask

Plastic Jesus shelters me

For His head comes off, you see

He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask



{as refrain}

Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car

Ride with me and have a dram

Of the blood of the Lamb

Plastic Jesus is a holy bar



I don't care if I'm broke or starvin'

As long as I've got a fish named Darwin

Glued to the trunklid of my car

God, I'm feeling so evolved

Drivin' with my problems solved

Proclaiming what I think of what we are



Riding home one foggy night,

With my honey cuddled tight,

I missed a curve and off the road we veered.

My windshield got smashed-up good,

And my darling graced the hood.

Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared.



{As refrain}

Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,

No longer chides me with His holy grin.

Doctors in the X-ray room

Found Him in my darling's womb.

Someday, He'll be born again!



I don't care if it rains or freezes

Long as I got my plastic Jesus

Riding on the dashboard of my car

He's the dude with the rusty nails,

Walks on water, don't need no sails

Riding on the dashboard of me car



I don't care if the night is scary

As long as I got the Virgin Mary

Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

She don't slip and she don't slide

Cuz her ass is magnetized

Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

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