Just Plain Morons

"And so it begins."

[Well, this is peculiar. No silly characters. No oddball settings. No getting screwed by a man in a virtual body (shudder...).]

[It's just Savage, and he's just sitting.]

[Sitting in his apartment, sipping on a margarita. Better than an ugly beer swill, certainly. Savage obviously loves being the center of attention. Hell, he thrives on it.]

Savage: So why? Why have I painted a target on my head? I could have just devoted myself to training, being quiet and waiting for a go ahead to return to competition here in the ICW. I could have done it that way. I could have just played it safe, and tried to weasel my way into the caompany before any of you dull little slack monkeys even noticed I was around. I could have done that. But I'm the man in the white suit, and I've just got to stand on my white box and wave my white hands around. And again, the question is why? And the answer is right in front of you, in the words of Big Al Stud and anyone else that I face. Because I want them, and all of the rest of my opponents, lined like shooting gallery targets that I can pick off one at a time. I didn't want anyone forgetting that I am the "Beast of ICW" and the favorite to win matches I get put in, even with my hands tied behind my back. I am the center of ICW. Nobody has been predicted to walk away the winner of the Savage VS Big Al Stud match at Cross Fire more than me. And the sooner all of you realize that, the quicker you can start understanding that no matter who you think your main target is, they are ALL secondary to ME! You know what, you have alot to prove in this match Stud, you've got quite a bit to lose, why would you pay so little attention to me? You'd think you'd cover all your basis and have everything accounted for... But, you're not only over looking me, you're not even trying. Honestly, how can I take a guy serious who cant get over the fact that he lost the U.S Title to Schizo I don't want to hear all that crap how he is a spectacular wrestler and he's so vicious... In the end, isn't he just a lucky rookie? I mean, I would've already bent him over my knee, given him a good spanking and sent him on his way... The law of physics says a guy like Schizo has no chance against a guy like me in a sport where I'm taller, stronger, faster, and any other adjective you want to throw out. Law of physics. You're going soft Stud, real soft. I'm not afraid to "take on the entire planet," as some dufus once said. When I beat Stud, when I beat the World Champion sooner or later, I don't want to be holding that title because I played it smart, and only concentrated on the guys who I thought would be likely to actually come up against as number one contenders. I want it to be because every other person made it their personal mission to prove they could beat ME, and that they all FAILED!

[Savage lets out a single, loud bark of a laugh.]

Savage: And there's another method to my madness, too. Stud, you can insult my me or my promos all you want. You can do it until the cows come home. But the simple truth is you KNOW you have to do something big to counteract that. You'll have to speak for much longer than you normally would. And the more you talk, the more chance there is you'll f*ck up. And the moment you do... I'll be there. Let's get this straight: there will be no more humor this week. Except the humor I get from laughing at the pitiful excuses for promos Big Al Stud may consider to be worthy counterattacks. Honestly Stud, you were'nt worth my words then, and are'nt much worth my words now. All I can say is that a guy getting inspiration from Pantera lyrics and quoting songs to his friends in his spare time is not the sort of person I like to hear lectures from as far as having a life goes. See, I do have a life, Stud. And that life is called "professional wrestling." And in professional wrestling, we do a little something called "cutting promos." If you want to give me shit because I have more time to do that than you, then do me the smallest little favor and kindly eat a f*cking dick. And another thing...Johnny Jacobsen. Let me get this perfectly clear. You counted the number of words that came out of Max Powers and Crazzy Gerard's promos. JayJay, you COUNTED the number of times your opponents spoke. If these are the "tricks of the trade" that I'm supposed to know, then what the hell, I must be in the wrong business, then. Because the concept of correcting people's grammar never occurred to me in the slightest. Instinct would have told me that something like that was stupid, a waste of breath, and the kind of thing people with nothing better to talk about make into an issue. But apparently, I only thought that because I'm not well versed in the "tricks of the trade." I only hope that one day, in some small way, I can have mastered the "tricks of the trade" as well as you have, Mr. JayJay. These magical "tricks of the trade" that say, "Correct your opponent's grammar. If they dare to respond to that, and call you on it for coming up with such a lame-brained argument, then BAM! You've got them right where you want them!" Can you teach me, JayJay? Can you? I'm desperate to learn. While I study at your wise altar of "the tricks of the trade," maybe, in your most powerful wisdom, you can explain to me how you can discuss your mighty efforts to destroy Max Powers, just weeks after I beat you... how was it you said it... I'm a cummy World Champion? Though you probably never will hold the World Title because Crazzy Gerard has a better chance of winning than you do? Teach me, wise Master JayJay, wherein lies the difference in my recollection of past glories, and your's.Teach me, for I am eager to learn your "tricks of the trade."

[Savage shakes his head in disgust.]

Savage: Pathetic...

[Savage sneers. Somewhere inside him, he's having fun with this. But outside, he shows nothing but pure contempt for a MORON like Johnny Jacobsen.]

Savage: And next, as a public service to everyone watching this at home, I'm going to do you all a favor. I'm going to save you a lot of time and boredom, and make sure you NEVER have to watch a Big A; Stud promo again.

[Savage looks shocked.]

Savage: Oh, shit, did I just say that out loud? Damn! How could I even think that Big Al Stud is just another waste of my time, like every single opponent I ever faced? How DARE I think that? Because, and people, I want you to sit down, because this is really big, what I'm about to tell you. I've just learned something about my opponent for Cross Fire that, well, throws everything I thought before about him into perspective. You see, what I just found out... is that Big Al Stud...(Long, dramatic pause)...is "F*cking Lethal!" I am so screwed, now! I am just sooooo f*cked! I mean, I've faced probably hundreds of other guys who are less impressive than stuff I've scraped off the bottom of my shoe. Punks who get a few wins under their belt and suddenly think they're "evolving" into something much better. Punks who get a few losses under their belts and start hating the world and themselves. But none of them... not a SINGLE ONE of them, has EVER said that they were "F*cking Lethal" What's next, Stud? Are you going to tell us you have the "drive" and the "determination" necessary to "beat the odds" and "prove all the naysayers wrong?" Honestly, man, do you honestly believe I've NEVER heard anything like this shit before? Sure your a big player in ICW but so am I.You're nobody special, Stud. There is no special "stuff" you have that will deter me in any way from doing to you what I've done to every other schmuck who thought they had the "will to succeed" that would surely be my downfall. Because it seems like everytime you speak, you're telling us all about the pain and the angst you're dealing with, and we're supposed to act SOOOO sorry for you. I belittled you for living in the past, and you responded by putting out a promo that was almost NOTHING but the FUCKING PAST! Jesus Ch#@st, Stud you keep telling everyone your glad that you lost the US Title so that you can concentrate on other things when in reality it's eating you up inside. If I have to watch this go on much longer, I'll take a sledgehammer to your knee and knock you out of the goddamn business myself, just to spare you the embarrassment. The man who "ran me out of ICW." The man who "took my World Title." That's cute. There's been some confusion on that account. And yet somehow, even though you've made a career, if we believe what you're saying, of destroying and running off all possible competition, then why am I still here? Either you've fallen on REALLY hard times, or you're full of shit. I honestly don't care which. The fact that the only thing you can say to me is that you're "F*cking Hostile!" pretty much paints the full picture for me right there.

[Savage takes a deep breath. You get a feeling he's saved his biggest bit for last.]

You said nothing I haven't heard a thousand times before, and won't hear a thousand times more in my future position as ICW World Champion. You can toss in as many gratuitous "f*cks" and vocal flourishes as you want, but nothing you said surprised me. In fact, more than anything, you turned out to be a tremendous letdown. There seems to be some ambiguity on this subject, so let me make my position on this perfectly clear, so we'll have no more claims of "hypocrisy" from the Plasmatic Pariah. Shut up and listen for once. Maybe it'll actually sink in this time. I take pride in winning the World Title the first time because it represented my personalized wad of phlegm, hocked up and spit into the faces of the assholes who thought that I wasn't World Title material. I PROVED that I was not at the level that Johnny jacobsen is in now. I kept and lost that belt on MY terms. Even thought I was'nt ready to give it up at Wrestle Rage. For all the people who claim that the World Title made me into somebody important, I say they're absolutely wrong. *I* made myself into something important! And, yes, I call guys like Johnny Jacobsen and Schizo worthless too. But let's face it: compared to me, just about EVERYONE is a loser. Guys like JayJay and Schizo just happened to be the kind of losers who win Title Belts on occasions. Guys like the ones Big Al Stud defended against in his oh-so-not-impressive reign... well... just lost a lot. Oh, Stud, you poor bastard! You thought you had me right where you wanted me. For a guy who took the World Title from me and "ran me out of the ICW" you're not exactly making me cringe, here. You like analogies, Stud, so let me give you one. You claiming that you were instrumental in my 3 month break is kind of like me taking a rock hammer to the corner of a condemned building, and then waiting until it blows up from within before pointing to the chip I took out of the foundation and claiming that *I* brought that skyscraper to the ground. So, in a way, I guess I might be able to go around saying that *I'm* the man who made Savage leave. Silly, you say? Doesn't make much sense? I say it makes about as much sense as you claiming that you will beat me this Sunday...Boy, Stud, you sure like to use the phrase "F*cking Lethal" a lot. Is there something about you we should know? As far as your piece de resistance, your closing remarks... let me just ask you one simple, yes or no question, Stud. Have you stopped fucking sheep yet? See, it doesn't really matter what you say. Go ahead and say yes. It'll just mean you were fucking sheep like crazy, but have decided to quit, because those crabs around your dick can get awful nasty after awhile. Or say no. Because it just confirms what we already know: that Big Al Stud just absolutely LOVES to fuck sheep, and just can't give it up! You just have to hear his name to know that!

[Savage sneers.]

Savage: So you had better hope you can bring a new set of arguments to the table the next time you open your mouth.

[A cocky smirk.]

[Savage stands up, and I guess that means the promo is over. I hope there's more jokes next time.]

[We now return to your regularly scheduled lives.]