Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let him sleep.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Forget about World Peace... Visualise Using Your Turn Signal!
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekasion
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile.You Will Be Assimilated.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
WHAT PEOPLE SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN
I need time to think things over.
(I don't want to be around when you realize I'm leaving you.)
I'm the one who's to blame.
(I should never have got involved with you in the first place.)
All I want is for you to be happy.
(Give me a break.)
I miss you.
(I haven't found anyone else yet.)
I'm fine . . . really.
(If I die, it'll be your fault.)
There'll never be anyone else like you.
(I will never make the same horrific mistake again.)
WHAT WOMEN SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN
It's your decision.
(The correct decision should be obvious by now.)
Do what you want.
(You'll pay for this later.)
(You'll be sorry.)
We need to talk.
(I need to complain.)
Sure . . . go ahead.
(I don't want you to.)
I'm not upset.
(Of course I'm upset, you moron.)
(You need a shave and you sweat a lot.)
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
(It's my period)
This kitchen is so inconvenient.
(I want a new house)
I want new curtains.
(and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper . . .)
I heard a noise.
(I noticed you were almost asleep.)
Do you love me?
(I'm going to ask for something expensive.)
How much do you love me?
(I did something today you're really not going to like . . .)
Is my butt fat?
(Tell me I'm beautiful.)
You have to learn to communicate.
(Just agree with me.)
Do you like this recipe?
(It's easy to fix, so you'd better get get used to it.)
I'm not yelling!
(Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.)
I don't want to talk about it.
(Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.)
Build Me an Ark, Noah
And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher-wood supplier hath let me down -- yea, even though the gopher-wood hath been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do, O Lord?"
And God said unto Noah: "I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights."
And Noah said: "It will be so."
And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seemeth to be the trouble this time?"
And Noah said unto the lord: "Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone."
And the Lord grew angry and said, "And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?"
And Noah said: "They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday."
And the Lord said: "How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens?"
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: "Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is."
And the Lord in His wisdom said, "Noah, my son, I knowest. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?"
--Journal of Eastern Region of the Royal Institute of British Architects.