A drunken jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two wishes, Macha.."
The Indian thought for a while and said, "OK, I want to be rich like a Chinaman! Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in hand. As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own reflection. Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion. The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained " Are you deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a Chinaman!" I don't want to be a Chinaman because they cheat, lie and con their way to become rich..."
The genie reminded him that he's entitled to one more wish "What do you want then, Muthu?" To which Muthu quickly replied " I just want to be rich and I don't want to work!" Poof! He was transformed into a Bumiputra...
Three tourists, an American, an Indonesian and a Malaysian were having a drink at a penthouse bar in downtown Tokyo.
The American ordered a bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey, took just a sip and threw the whole bottle out of the window. He explained to his astounded acquaintances "Where I come from, Jack Daniels is cheap and plentiful, so it has become a habit of ours to do that".
Not to be outdone, the Indonesian promptly lit up a Gudang Garam (clove) cigarette, took a puff and threw the whole pack out of the window. He explained " Where I come from, Gudang Garam is cheap and plentiful, so it has become a habit of ours to do that".
The Malaysian, eager to impress, threw the Indonesian out of the window, and explained "Where I come from Indonesians are…."
There's a boy who has been abused by his parents. A neighbour found out and reported to the police. The police came and arrested his parents and planned to send him to a foster home. The boy refused and told the police officer "No ! The guardian of the foster home will abuse me".
The police officer agree and asked him again "OK ! In that case you can stay with me and become my adopted son".
The boy refused and said "No! Your wife will also abuse me!" The police officer gave up and asked "Where should I send you to now. You have refused to be adopted by everybody."
The boy replied " I want to stay with the Malaysian hockey team."
The police officer was surprised and asked "Of all the places why the Malaysian hockey team? They don't even have a house!"
The boy replied "At least they have not beaten anybody in the world..."
A Kancil car stopped at the red lights. When the traffic lights turned green the driver stepped on the gas pedal and the car just won't move. So he got out of the car to investigate. He soon realised that the car was unable to move because a piece of chewing gum on the road had stuck to one of the tyres!
In a typical Malaysian company, the general staff likes to discuss or play football after work. For the middle management it is tennis. For the top management it is nothing else but golf, golf and golf. So what is the conclusion ? The higher you are in the management, the smaller your balls.
Dr M, paid a visit to the White House. After finishing formal discussions with Clinton, Dr M checks with Bill to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in the USA.
After going through the brochure Bill said: "You know, I think this Kuncheel is too small for us Americans"
Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Clinton offered: "Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America". Dr M was satisfied with the meeting and returns to Malaysia.
The next day he decides to call the number suggested by Bill. The phone rang for awhile, after which a lady on the other end answered: "TOYS R US". Can I help you?"
How does a Mamak shout your orders across the stall?
Kopi + Teh = "Ko Teh"
Milo + Kopi + Teh = "My Ko Teh"
Horlicks + Milo + Kopi + Teh = "Lick My Ko Teh"
A pimp
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Malay man driving a BMW 3 series?
Ahmad
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see an Indian man driving a BMW 3 series?
A car jockey
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Bhai driving a BMW 3 series?
A car repossesor.
This is the story of a Malay couple meeting each other for the first time on their wedding night...As her new husband came into the bridal chamber, the very, very virgin bride was shocked to see that her new husband had only one leg! She panicked and ran to her mother in the next room, crying out loud, "Mak, Mak, satu kaki!" Her mother shouted back, "Bertuah kau 'nak, dulu bapa kau cuma enam inci!"
"Wait!" cried Ah Choy. "Wat is lat ho..?"
"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng. "Wat is it?"
They approached the thing and looked at it very closely.
"Eee.. look like shit lah!" say Ah Choy
"Hmmm..smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.
Ah Choy then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!"
Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick. With confident, he said, "Confirm is shit!"
Then they smiled at each other, "Wah! lucky we didn't step on it."
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal.
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
The uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!"replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
When he was about to enter the toilet, the old lady stopped him and said forty cents in Cantonese (Say Kok), the Mat Salleh just wonder why in Malaysia, they have to "see the cock" (forty cents in Cantonese) before entering the toilet.
So he said "No", but the old lady insisted. Since he got no choice, he took out his cock and showed to her. The old lady said "no, no, no, Duit, Duit" (money in Malay) but the Mat Salleh misunderstood again because he thought she said "DO IT, DO IT"
So, he asked "NOW, HERE?"
The old lady just reply "YES, YES" because she does not understand English.
The Mat Salleh thought she agreed to have sex with him, so he strip up the old lady and make love to her, but the old lady was screaming and said "SAKIT, SAKIT" (pain in Malay) and again he thought is "suck it, suck it" so he said "OK, I will suck it for you" and take the breast and sucked.
The old lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, My God!... in Malay).
The Mat Salleh misunderstood again. "Too HARD, OK sweet heart, I will be gentle a bit, OK?" the Mat Salleh replied.
Suddenly the Security Office walked by, and the old lady was asking for help, "TOLONG, TOLONG, ENCIK." (Help, Help...in Malay). But on the other hand, the Mat Salleh replied "Not too long, just about 6 inches only."
"Excuse me," the MP said to ah Chye,"but why does that pig have a wooden leg?"
"Oh, it's like this,sir... one night a robber entered our household, tied all of us up, stole our jewellery and was about to escape when the pig came out of nowhere, attacked the robber and saved us all."
"Oh, I see," said the MP uncertainly, "but I still don't understand. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
"Oh, it's like this, sir... There was a fire when we were all out to the cinema at Chong Pang. The pig alerted our neighbours, ran around organising a water bucket system and helped the firemen put out the fire."
The MP was getting quite frustrated. "Listen, Mr Chye, That is all very interesting, but I still don't understand why the pig has a wooden leg."
"Oh, it's like this, sir..." Ah Chye said. "We used to have an old well. One day, our little daughter fell down the well. The pig jumped in, saved our girl, covered the well with planks and we never had that trouble again."
The MP shouted, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Why does that damn pig have a wooden leg?"
Ah Chye appeared absolutely unfazed. "Well, you know," he said finally, "with a pig that good, how can you eat it all at once..."
During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife." And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife.
Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!"
So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name.'
Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, "What is your new name then?"
On this, Santa Singh replied 'Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Li)
Aminah got tired of waiting, took off all her clothes one night, and lied on the bed. Ali was shocked seeing a naked Aminah. He was more shocked that Aminah had lost her penis.
Ali contacted his neighbour, a doctor. "Please fix it back for her!!! Mesti jahit betul betul!!" The doctor asked to be alone with Aminah, took advantage of the situation, and had his rounds of fun with Aminah.
After the doctor leaves, Ali enters the room again and found the penis still unattached. He touched where the penis is supposed to be affixed and felt something sticky. "Celaka punya doktor, Saya suruh dia jahit dia taruh gam!!!"
The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Ya, ALLAH," the Malay man prayed, "Ampuni dosaku kerana tidak menghadiri sembahyang berjemaah pada hari JUMAAT yang mulia ini lalu keluar memburu... TOLONG AMPUNI DOSAKU dan berikan padaku satu hajat.....Jadikanlah beruang ini yang sedang menghampiri aku, seorang MUSLIM yang penuh beriman.....TOLONG...YA ALLAH "
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, opened its paws and began to pray aloud right at the Malay man's feet. "YA ALLAH, limpahkan rahmatMu atas makanan yang bakal kuterima . . ."
Mahathir was disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt, so he decided to visit Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he manage to have such a capable, efficient cabinet.
On hearing Mahathir's woes, PM Goh said,"Simple, Mahathir, I choose capable men for my cabinet. "
Mahathir asked,"Yes, but how do you know that they are capable?"
PM Goh replied,"Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence, don't need to be too difficult. Let me show you what i mean." Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to him,"Hey Tony,come over here." Tony obediently walked over quickly. PM Goh asked,"Tell me, Tony, who is your father's son?". Tony Tan immediately replied,"Me! Of course!"
PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said," See? All my ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try."
Mahathir thanked PM Goh and left. When Mahathir got back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy, and shot the question at him,"Tell me Anwar, who is your father's son?"
Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After a while, he recovered and said,"Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow."
Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give him a good answer. Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning, he decided to call Bill Clinton for help. Surely the most powerful man in the world must know the answer. When Clinton picked up the phone, Anwar said, "Hello, Bill, can I ask you a question?" Clinton, very busy, replied,"Alright, but better be good!" Anwar quickly asked,"Tell me Bill, who is your father's son?" Cinton was fuming, "Me! Of course, you stupid!!!" and he slammed down the phone.
Satisfied that he got the answer, he confidently walked into Mahathir's office and said,"Boss, I've got the answer to your question." Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn't dumb, said,"So tell me quick, who is your father's son?" Anwar confidently replied,"it's BILL CLINTON!!" Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said,"No! You stupid!! It's TONY TAN!!!"
All of them were boasting that each of their own men have the most guts.
To prove it, Bill called one of his captain and asked him to swim around the ship in the shark infested ocean. And the Captain said "God Bless America" and jumped and swam one round and came back making Bill proud.
But then Major said that that was nothing and called his seageant to jump into the ocean and swim ten rounds. And the seageant said "God Save the Queen " and swam ten rounds of the ship and came back.
Then Goh became impatient and told them it was still nothing and called one of his Private and asked him to jump into the ocean and swim 50 rounds. And the private replied " Are u stupid? I just have bought my new condo and am getting married next month and u want me to die is it?" U must be stupid..." and then Goh turned to his counterparts and said " that is what u call guts."