A Letter From Three Months
Ago...
You could tell me everything, and you did. I could tell you anything, but
didn't; I bit my lip, never revealing the fact that I cared for you as more
than a friend, and sat silently. That's why what followed cut so deep.
Several weeks ago Laurie, you, and I had a talk about what makes life fun. At
the time I could not find the words to express it--but I knew in my heart that
it was spending time with people like you that made me feel significant. It was
Laurie who initially drew my attention to 1008, but you kept me coming back.
Mandie and Julie asked me a few times if I liked you and I always responded
"She has Wes."
You hooked me with "It's too bad I met Wes, before I met you." I
never acted on my feelings--I know the pain of being cheated on, and could
never wish that on anyone else.
"I'll be there after spring break." This was probably the most
ambiguous, vaguest, most unclear way of possibly saying "I love you"
ever construed. It made so much sense in my head--probably confused you to no
end. It was in reference to a previous conversation we had had. I doubt you
remember the hockey game--and about how I thought you (and in a smaller sense
myself) were still coming off the rebound and that we should wait for spring break.
I should have made a follow up text message with "I hope you will be there
too." Probably would have made more sense, eh? The following night with
Laurie at the women's hockey game you blushed when I told you that your heart
contained the key to deciphering my cryptic message. I thought this meant you
understood my intentions.
I always tried to be the best friend that I could be. I think you know that.
Lately, I'm not sure what to think about you. When you told me about the pushy
Perry situation my immediate reaction was to kill him for hurting you. My next
thoughts were to kill him for how he'd have hurt Laurie. And then back to
wanting to kill him for how he had obviously hurt you. At another hockey game
you cried inviting my shoulder to comfort you. I was sort of disappointed when
you did not tell Laurie what had happened. You knew this, and I think that hurt
you. I think you thought I wanted Laurie to be boyfriend-less again so I could
crash the boards for the rebound. I'm sorry I never intended for things to seem
like that.
It was nice knowing you still cared when you called at
I'm sorry I'm not "fun." I'm sorry I don't try to get on your
roommates. I'm sorry I don't try to get you drunk with me. Actually I'm not, I
have and always been myself around you. I have always been honest. I have
always been honest. I have no secrets anymore--secrets and lies lead to nothing
but pain. We both helped each other through some tough times. I'd like to thank
you for that.
"People might think we are going out." Words that
burst my eardrums and made me wheezy. They weren't your words, they were too mean, too shallow. I knew they were
Julie's words spoken through you. They hurt nonetheless.
Lately I have felt detached when around you. I try to start a conversation but
you want no part of it as you always respond simply with a one-word response or
a 'bleh'. "Whatever", whenever you say that one word it makes me hate
myself. Hopefully things can go back to the way they used to be. I miss you.