A Letter From Three Months
You could tell me everything, and you did. I could tell you anything, but didn't; I bit my lip, never revealing the fact that I cared for you as more than a friend, and sat silently. That's why what followed cut so deep.
Several weeks ago Laurie, you, and I had a talk about what makes life fun. At the time I could not find the words to express it--but I knew in my heart that it was spending time with people like you that made me feel significant. It was Laurie who initially drew my attention to 1008, but you kept me coming back. Mandie and Julie asked me a few times if I liked you and I always responded "She has Wes."
You hooked me with "It's too bad I met Wes, before I met you." I never acted on my feelings--I know the pain of being cheated on, and could never wish that on anyone else.
"I'll be there after spring break." This was probably the most ambiguous, vaguest, most unclear way of possibly saying "I love you" ever construed. It made so much sense in my head--probably confused you to no end. It was in reference to a previous conversation we had had. I doubt you remember the hockey game--and about how I thought you (and in a smaller sense myself) were still coming off the rebound and that we should wait for spring break. I should have made a follow up text message with "I hope you will be there too." Probably would have made more sense, eh? The following night with Laurie at the women's hockey game you blushed when I told you that your heart contained the key to deciphering my cryptic message. I thought this meant you understood my intentions.
I always tried to be the best friend that I could be. I think you know that. Lately, I'm not sure what to think about you. When you told me about the pushy Perry situation my immediate reaction was to kill him for hurting you. My next thoughts were to kill him for how he'd have hurt Laurie. And then back to wanting to kill him for how he had obviously hurt you. At another hockey game you cried inviting my shoulder to comfort you. I was sort of disappointed when you did not tell Laurie what had happened. You knew this, and I think that hurt you. I think you thought I wanted Laurie to be boyfriend-less again so I could crash the boards for the rebound. I'm sorry I never intended for things to seem like that.
It was nice knowing you still cared when you called at on March 9th to apologize for being mean. Sounds a little skethcy, eh? Seriously though, I remember every time my heart skips a beat. (Just messing, I was just sent my phone bill.) Lately though, it seems like a cycle of you getting mad at me followed by a semi-friend acquaintance stage. And, I'm not sure why. I play the shoulder, I play the punching bag. And I'm the needy puppy??
I'm sorry I'm not "fun." I'm sorry I don't try to get on your roommates. I'm sorry I don't try to get you drunk with me. Actually I'm not, I have and always been myself around you. I have always been honest. I have always been honest. I have no secrets anymore--secrets and lies lead to nothing but pain. We both helped each other through some tough times. I'd like to thank you for that.
"People might think we are going out." Words that burst my eardrums and made me wheezy. They weren't your words, they were too mean, too shallow. I knew they were Julie's words spoken through you. They hurt nonetheless.
Lately I have felt detached when around you. I try to start a conversation but you want no part of it as you always respond simply with a one-word response or a 'bleh'. "Whatever", whenever you say that one word it makes me hate myself. Hopefully things can go back to the way they used to be. I miss you.