~oOo~ Creator ~oOo~ Randomness ~oOo~ Photos ~oOo~ Journal ~oOo~ Quotes ~oOo~ Jokes ~oOo~ Friends ~oOo~ Funny Pix ~oOo~ Chris ~oOo~ I am a Woman ~oOo~ My U-Boot ~oOo~ Links ~oOo~ Guestbook > Entries/Sign
What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the door?
Matt.
Bigheaded = A mosquito with a hard-on floating down the river on his back shouting, "Open the drawbridge!"
What's red and black and jumps in the air?
A baby in a toaster.
How can you tell if a fence is electrified?
Throw a puppy at it and see if he gets fried.
What do you get when you screw a leper?
A piece of ass.
Taoism: Shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Ding.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Atheism: No shit.
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism: Confucius says: "Shit happens."
7th Day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock, knock, "Shit happens."
What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team? The pygmies are a pack of cunning runts.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt shroud you stout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomise
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While your undressing Venus, wrap up your penis
14. When you take of her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, wrap up your member
16. Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanise your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armour will never harm her
21. No Glove, No Love!
2. The Pillsbury Doughboy is way too happy, considering that he doesn't have a dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually.
4. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Back off, spanky. What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do ... eat someone else's piece of cake instead? Selfish prick.
5. When people say, "It's always the last place you look." No shit, Sherlock. Why the hell would you keep looking for it after you've already found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Why aren't they in treatment?
6. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
8. When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole, you're the one that pulled me over.
And here's the tenth thing that really bugs me:
10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that you will be granted a wish, or make your long-lost love fall into your arms, or have your significant other perform oral sex on demand. It's all bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me. Oh, the terror and horror. What a crock of shit.
Everyone you come in contact with seems to have an attitude problem
Q. What's the biggest contradiction
in the world?
Bill Gates says: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
You met Hillary Clinton and after 10 minutes, she asked for your autograph
You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelette
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
You wonder if "too stupid to live" is considered justifiable homicide
The Policeman who stopped you for speeding
has filed brutality charges against you
Your husband/boyfriend is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
You find yourself checking your Mace and Pepper Spray each morning
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice
You think there should be a PMS simulator for all men
You're convinced there's a God and he's male
You're ready to deck the next guy who sez,
"Oh, is this your time of the month ?"
You're counting down the days until menopause
You wonder why "male bashing" is done with words and not a baseball bat
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy
You remind the Jocksters that PMS applies to men too...
(Pretentious Macho Studs)
The Ibuprofen bottle has bitemarks and is empty when you bought it yesterday
You had to start using your industrial strength underarm deodorant again
You made "Angels in the Snow" with the kids,
but yours melted down to the grass
You requested your last steak be served raw
You put a knee in the groin of the last guy who held the door open for you
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers that
this is your "personal space."
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all
of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in
there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Nookie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call
you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear
the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new
socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion
sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and
move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
A. Microsoft Works.
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on His throne.
God asks Al: "What do you believe?" Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my left.
Bill Clinton, what do you believe?" Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Did ya ever notice how fast Windows runs? Hmmm, neither did I...
Technical support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Technical support: "Yes, you said that."