filter thoughts
Mood:
crushed out
i know when i'm not wanted, but it was already too late when i realized i am the only one who's into this. it was staring at me straight in the face from the very start but i was too dazed to recognize that i am being rejected. it hurts me real bad because you don't look at me now the way you used to. you don't smile for me anymore. it seemed that i suddenly ceased to exist in your world. i am supposed to shoot off obscenities at you right now, but somehow i can't get myself to do it. i know there's nobody to blame here but me because i was the one who made the mess that i am wallowing in anyway. i know, too, that i should start letting you go.but here i am, still waiting for something that never comes. i don't know anyone else who even comes close to being fucking stupid than i am at this moment. i used to hate myself. now i hate myself even more. i did not think it was possible for me to reach this low, but i did, so i guess i don't really know me that well. i am not sure what happens to us after this. everyday i'm getting more and more afraid that i won't be able to overcome this episode, like i did with all the others. the emptiness i'm feeling is so raw, it's almost physical. i catch myself holding my breath, like i'm anticipating an explosion that would soon blow me up in pieces and free me of this pain that is slowly eating me up. but i guess this will never stop. the constant shadow of torment will always haunt my waking hours. but what i'm most afraid of is that i will be in this alone and you won't be anywhere near to save me from my misery. the dark stillness has started to take over...the biting cold reaching inside my very soul...
