A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame.

The Events - In previous Olympics, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 Metres Hurdles

As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

As for hammer and, in addition, competitors will then use the hammer to remove cashpoint machines from a town centre and carry them unaided to their getaway van.

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within 5 minutes.

A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines.

The targets are to be as follows:

A Moving Police Van
A Post Office Clerk
A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
The next door neighbour's youngest child
The Local Vicar
NB the 4th target to be followed by the ritual cry of I thought he was a 'Bizzy',
or, He pulled a knife on me.

Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home, against the clock.

As above, however, this time the break in must occur at the Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be judged the winner.

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Q. Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A. Because if it walked, it would get mugged.

Therefore for safety reasons, this event has been cancelled.

Each of the four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

Each competitor will be given 3 needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time.

In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife-wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver's window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged two quid to look after their motor. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shellsuits converge. The Olympic Flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallys forming a circle and urinating on it. The closing speech will consist of the words everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know and no one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.